Splitting Up: Enmeshment and Estrangement in the Process of Divorce [Hardcover]

Alvin Pam. (Author)

Book Description

ISBN-10: 1572303670 | ISBN-13: 978-1572303676 | Publication Date: August 6, 1998 | Edition: 1

This thoroughly researched volume examines the emotional process of divorce, from the characterological struggle that leads to the breakup through the difficult adjustments that come after the marriage is over. Illustrated throughout with evocative case examples, the book explores why marriages fail, the feelings and reactions of both the rejecting and rejected partners, the psychodynamics of jealousy, the possibility of reconciliation, and the impact of divorce on children. Psychological and cultural perspectives are combined to provide valuable conceptual and clinical insights for professionals working with individuals and families in crisis. This title will be of interest to therapists in a range of clinical settings; students of couple and family therapy, psychology, psychiatry, and counseling.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"This book takes us on a passionate journey into the emotional process of break-ups and the dynamics that drive the partners into closeness-distance acrimony. Written with clarity and depth, the book embeds the individual, dyad, and family in a social context emphasizing individualism and instant gratification. The authors draw upon vast clinical experience and a solid grasp of intrapsychic phenomena, personality development, and family systems theory to provide a landmark contribution to the understanding and treatment of couples." --Jo-Ann M. Rivera, PhD, Bronx Psychiatric Center, Albert Einstein College of Medicine

"This book reveals an internally consistent 'psychic logic' behind the wildly irrational feelings and behaviors that people frequently experience when going through a divorce. The concepts presented here have benefited my clinical practice enormously in the ten years since I was first introduced to Dr. Pam's work as a psychiatric resident. Eminently relevant and practical, this book is a 'must-read' for anyone interested in the passions of interpersonal relationships." --Daniela V. Gitlin, MD, Plattsburgh, NY

"One of the most enlightening books I have read in years. Splitting Up provides a remarkably insightful and scrupulously researched portrait of divorce--its causes, its social and psychological context, and its profound effects on individuals and families. Refusing to look away from large moral questions, or to minimize the suffering caused by feelings of rage, abandonment, and betrayal, the book holds a mirror up to our times and helps us understand the painful struggles that accompany loss in family life and in love. Essential reading for therapists, counselors, and anyone who has ever gone through the breakup of a serious relationship." --Jay Neugeboren, author of Imagining Robert

"A 'must' both for counselors working with couples either contemplating or dealing with divorce, and for the individuals struggling over the issues that arise in such situations." --From the Foreword by James Masterson, MD

About the Author

Alvin Pam, PhD, is Principal Psychologist at Bronx Psychiatric Center and Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, Albert Einstein College of Medicine. He is also in private practice in Bronx, New York.

Judith Pearson, PhD, is an associate faculty member of the Masterson Institute in New York City. She has worked as a supervising psychologist at Bronx Psychiatric Center and was Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Albert Einstein College of Medicine. She is in private practice in New York City.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 448 pages
• Publisher: Guilford Press; 1 edition (August 6, 1998)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1572303670
• ISBN-13: 978-1572303676
• Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.3 x 1.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.8 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (5 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,513,648 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Pam & Pearson have really captured a phenomenon here- GREAT!, August 12, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: Splitting Up: Enmeshment and Estrangement in the Process of Divorce (Hardcover)

This is a GREAT book. I have a Ph.D. in psychology, but did not pick this book up out of academic interest. I picked it up when my husband of six years (partner of nine)decided to leave me and our 17-month old daughter for another woman and another life. As I began reading about the roles (of "symbiant" and countersymbiant")that members of a divorcing couple play, I started looking for the hidden cameras in my home- it was that accurate! As the separation between my husband and I continues, and the divorce process progresses, I find myself repeatedly reading the accounts of how the symbiant and countersymbiant each go through stages toward ultimately "letting go." This section offers invaluable understanding of what each of us is experiencing. For me, the sections on relationships ending in a love triangle are also very helpful. As someone trained to read synthesis and interpretation of psychological research findings, I find this a very accessible book. I would highly recommend this to clinicians, and to individuals who might find that taking an intellectual approach helps them cope with their own divorce experience.

8 of 8 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars This book is worth the price, September 12, 2000

By A Customer

This review is from: Splitting Up: Enmeshment and Estrangement in the Process of Divorce (Hardcover)

I really swallowed hard, paying the $$ to buy this book. But if you are a thoughtful person striving to "figure out" why you got dumped in a significant relationship, this is I think a potentially life altering book. My pile of self-help books has literally broken the bank this last few months and some of the books have been helpful -- especially just about anything by Carter and Sokol (the He's Scared, She's Scared and Men Who Can't Love people). But the real advantage of Splitting Up is that it is NOT a self-help book but rather an academic approach. As explained in one of the preceding reviews, the authors describe a standard "bad relationship" dynamic of polarization of the pair into a "distancer/countersymbiant" and a "pursuer/symbiant." The distancer develops alienation and dissatisfaction with relationship that ends up with development of a public self and a secret real self and then ultimately -- surprise!!! -- dumping the devastated symbiant to pursue the secret life (often with a new partner). It truly is like reading your own life story, if you are trying to recover from something like this yourself. Most people who would come to this book for understanding of a real life experience would be the symbiant of course. And the thing is that for me, symbiant in a recent classic reenactment of the scenario, the hardest thing has been trying to "figure out why he did it." This book has helped me understand "what happened." I can see all my behavior as "acting out according to script." And so now, though I still cry and rage a lot, I have A CHOICE to write my own script rather than acting this one out blindly. At least that is my fervent hope. If you are trying your darndest to understand what happened, this is the book for you!

6 of 7 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Splitting Up : ...Estrangement in the Process of Divorce, March 9, 2000

By 

John C. Braddock (New York City) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Splitting Up: Enmeshment and Estrangement in the Process of Divorce (Hardcover)

There's no handbook for divorce. You just have to muddle through for the most part. Just get the best lawyer money can buy, hunker down for the battle, and wait for the smoke to clear. And get a copy of "Splitting Up." It's not a book for those who need hand holding. It arms you with an awareness of the stark mental realities you face regarding yourself, your former spouse, your kids, jealousy, rage, etc. Even if your happy with your decision, walking out of the door ain't the end of things, it's just the beginning.