Customer Reviews

Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity

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"Stalking the Soul" will illuminate emotional abuse in a way that will shake you to the core.
Marie-France Hirigoyen has insight that is usually reserved for those who have walked the path. I was impressed with the depth of her knowledge of narcissism and the insidious and covert nature of the disorder.
Emotional abuse is a double-edged sword because it is so hard to prove. You'll go crazy just trying. The abuser is careful to reveal himself only to his victim while showing his false self, the one that hooked you, to everyone else. Manipulation is second nature to the emotional abuser, allowing him to slowly and methodically erode your sense of self and to murder your soul. The latter being their goal. You have become their prey, some'thing' to conquer.
I immensely appreciated and respected Marie-France Hirigoyen careful avoidance and rejection of blaming the victim. She shows in compassionate detail how it is your very strengths and talents that make you perfect prey to a narcissist, not your weakness, as so many other books on the subject will have you believe. Blaming the victim is just another layer of abuse and this author discredits that theory with a few strokes of her mighty pen. She appears to have an intimate understanding of the inner workings of a mental abuser and her knowledge flows freely from the pages directly to you. Where it is the abuser's goal to destabilize, Marie-France Hirigoyen is the friend who lovingly shakes your shoulders and shouts "It's not YOU," leading you back to sanity.
As a reminder, this book was originally written in French and the small translation difficulties should not deter you in any way.

Though I am an avid reader, I have never chosen to write a review before. But this book shook me to my very core. An earlier reviewer said she could only read a certain amount of this book at a time. I had that exact same experience. I felt while reading this book as if I had existed in the middle of a psychological horror movie and was only beginning to understand the real peril in which I had been unknowingly fighting for my very survival. I found out during my marriage that my exhusband had been diagnosed with sociopathic personality traits. He had set out to destroy my reality, which he almost did. I had never had psychological problems of any kind but after months, maybe years of abuse, I contemplated suicide, and I voluntarily signed myself into a hospital for psychiatric help for three days and was diagnosed with reactive depression. After leaving that relationship, within six months I was involved with another cruel, manipulative abuser for over three years. I went to counseling and my counselor told me I was being too hard on myself. I was blaming myself and literally killing myself trying to fix what could never be fixed. I had the physical symptoms: stomach and chest pain, disorientation, self-isolation, and many more. I was holding on by a thread. I never thought it could happen to me...I am fairly bright, I have an advanced degree, and I was very successful in my career. But I so greatly underestimated the capacity for deviousness, duplicity, and intentional cruelty of fellow human beings I so loved and trusted. I see their behaviors and manipulations so clearly in this book. I also learned that some of my own personality traits, so positive in a healthy setting, made me a walking magnet for narcissisitic and passive-aggressive personalities. I now know these abusers had impenetrable anger that had nothing to do with me. But I was there and I was an easy target and, in my ignorance, I allowed them to make my life almost unbearable. I am still trying to work my way back, but now I understand and I am making progress. I have two other books on emotional abuse, and, while they are good, neither comes close to the precise behavioral descriptions contained here. If you are reading this because you suspect there is something wrong in a relationship, you are probably right. I highly recommend this book. You cannot fight your enemy until you know your enemy.

Finally . . a book that TRULY understands emotional abuse. Why abusers abuse, why victims take it, how outsiders respond, how & why many psychologists deal with it incorrectly, and what victims can do etc. This book should be required reading for all people involved in abuse in any way. It could return the power to the victims and render many abusers impotent(i.e., powerless). I'm going to read it again SLOWLY.

Oh my. Oh my oh my oh my.
I could only read bits of this book at a sitting. Dr. Hirigoyen equates emotional abuse with trauma. This book is not for the timid. It is a clear-eyed, and unabashedly biased (toward the victim) look at the abusive process in varied aspects of life - the family, in business, and in the intimate relationship. Grit your teeth and read this one. It's a keeper.

to buy this book, then don't. Check it out of your local library. I can pretty much guarantee that you will read this book cover-to-cover, non-stop, as I did. And THEN you will buy it! Why? Because you will want your very own copy to highlight, mark up, to put huge exclamation points by certain lines or paragraphs even as your tears are falling on the pages. You will want to keep this volume by your bedside, so that when you wake up in the middle of the night, weeping from dreams you cannot remember, Marie-France Hirigoyen's wisdom will bring you back to a place of safekeeping, of detachment, of rationality.

This is the most healing book I have read in decades. Perhaps I was simply ready for it. Perhaps you are not. That's okay. Read it in small sections, a page, even a paragraph at a time. Astonishingly, there are even mere SENTENCES in this book, mere one-liners, that will arrest your attention, and you'll find yourself saying, "Yes, YES, that's him/her (the emotional abuser) exactly!" As other reviewers have mentioned, one beauty of this book is that it validates YOU (us). We are not crazy for having loved, and loved well. We were not wrong to have entrusted our hearts (and souls) to others, to have shown our vulnerability and expected the same in return. The author emphasizes that it was our very strengths, NOT weaknesses, that attracted the emotional abuser to us in the first place. The abusers then feed off our energy, because they are emotionally incapable of generating such a strong life force themselves. It is our inner light they find attractive and want to appropriate; yet, after finding they cannot, because each of us must generate that inner light on our own, the abuser's only wish is to destroy or discard. No reconciliation is possible, NOR SHOULD WE WANT IT TO BE. It is when we parlay with evil or madness that we begin losing our souls to the other. Parlay, if you must, Marie-France seems to say, but only to extricate yourself from an untenable, destructive relationship.

The author covers an incredible amount of territory without reverting to scholarly language (an extensive bibliography is in the BACK of the book, thank you, no irritating footnotes). It is not that she writes in a condescending fashion. Rather, she is shooting from the proverbial hip. She writes to reach you, to affirm your sanity in the midst of relationship chaos, not to score points with colleagues. She writes as if she's "been there, done that," and lived to tell the tale. And perhaps most importantly, she makes you feel that you can, too.

Read the book. Take your life back. Take your SOUL back.

I wish I had read this book years ago. I went through years of therapy trying to figure out and explain my mother's hurtful behaviors towards me. The impact of these hurt felt devastating, but I was never sure if it was just me being too sensitive. This book is trememdously validating. It explains the abusive tactics, the inner psyche of the abuser and the victim, and the impact of being subject to such abuse. If you ever wonder if you were the target of emotional abuse, read this book. It'll save your life and bring you clarity.

I found this book after reading a review on another book. I started looking for something to help me to understand co-dependency which I was told I had after a hard melt down and diagnosed with PTSD and major depression. Had someone told me 5 years ago that I was a victem or co-dependant I would have laughed and thought they were crazy. From the very first page, I watched as my life unfolded, wept as I have finally come to understand that IT WAS NOT ME! There was never anything wrong that I did. That in the hands of these type of people, they prey on your very strengths, everything that should be good about yourself they twist and turn to use as there own tool to feed there never ending hunger. For me this book has been the answer to the question I have been asking for the last 45 yrs! Its the answer to how I'm going to live my life for the next 45. A must read!! For me a life raft thrown from the Titanic, I now have a chance.

STALKING THE SOUL by Dr. Marie-France Hirigoyen

Dr. Hirigoyen exposes the destructive and hidden phenomenon of emotional abuse in her book, Stalking the Soul. She contends that although emotional abuse does not leave visible bruises, lacerations, broken bones, it is equally as violent, more widespread than physical abuse and, in the end, culminates in virtual murder of the soul without the abuser ever dirtying his/her own hands.

Emotional abuse is ongoing, even in our very presence, each day within families and perhaps to a much greater extent in the workplace. Society today does not clearly define moral standards nor are absolute rules and standards defined in places of employment; therefore, society stays blind to survive and refuses to acknowledge the insidious violence of emotional abuses, thereby, tacitly condones such dangerous and perverse conduct.

A portion of the book is devoted to the ever-increasing emotional abuse so prevalent in the workplace today. Hirigoyen describes abuse in the workplace, identifies the target, and explains who attacks whom, discusses how the abused becomes disarmed, how abuse begins, describes characteristics of an organization that permits abuse, and organizations that encourage abusive methods.

Emotional abuse begins with seduction and brainwashing and culminates in open violence sweeping the victim into a vortex of destruction. Emotional abuse is as criminal as is physical abuse; however, society today acquiesces behind a guise of tolerance of the crime, and we become accomplices losing our own principles, values and sense of limits.

Marie-France Hirigoyen validates the fact that emotions shape our entire being - indeed our very soul. Her book is an eye-opener for those who wear blinders and turn deaf ears to the reality and widespread damage of emotional abuse. Stalking the Soul will help one recognize and understand emotional abuse and the devastation suffered by the vast numbers who are wounded. This book offers practical knowledge of how to break free of the vicious hold of abuse and begin a journey toward recovery.

The book is excellent.
Flora Stringer

This book "came to me" just when needed. It validated all I had experienced, was experiencing still at the time of reading, and that which continues to this day. I finally knew I was not alone nor imagining things. It gave me the understanding and strength needed for the days ahead, and helped me begin putting on the brakes to further self-doubt and blame. Hirigoyen does not, however, offer much advice in seeking help legally, psychologically, or spiritually. Due to the nature of this form of abuse, though, little help is available and readers must find initial relief in the book's pages. Hirigoyen aptly describes an abuse that feeds off of silence and fear. I, for one, would like to turn that tide and offer my email address to any and all similar "victims" who would like to start a support dialogue. The isolation associated with this kind of abuse is devasting, and perhaps Stalking The Soul can provide a venue for discussion and support among its readers. Contact me at marypurv2003@yahoo.com

Once I picked this book up, I couldn't put it down. In fact, everyone I handed it to had the same reaction, and even a close friend's therapist in Chicago ended up using it for a conference presentation when she introduced my copy to him.

The fact is, if you are a relatively strong woman, an educated woman, a fairly independant woman, a powerful woman, a woman who knows what she wants or any combination of these; then you NEED to read this book. It presents the facts of the matter, which is that when it comes to men, all women are vulnerable to abuse on some level, even the strongest and most independantly minded among us. It seems almost impossible to many of us, I am sure, since that was how I always viewed it. However, after a marriage that almost broke me, I realized I had allowed myself to become victim to something that was extraordinarily twisted. There was always a rational explanation for what had occurred, and it could always be viewed as my not taking full responsibility or control, when in fact, the only thing actually going on was the slow tearing down and deconstruction of my independace and my soul. This book addressed that very thing, the situation I could never give a name to, or put a label on. The reason why I always wished my ex-husband would just hit me in order to have some proof of the abuse that I could never point an actual finger at. It freed me from the never ending cycle of psycholgical abuse I had found myself trapped in, and it freed me from the destruction of self that was slowly occurring.

Again, I cannot urge women enough to read this book. While it may not be immediate pertinent to everyone, I believe that all of us have encountered this pattern before. While many of us may have side-stepped it, it's better to be aware than not, particularly since this is the kind of abuse that only an intelligent and articulate woman, aware of her rights as a human being, could find herself in.