Customer Reviews

Stand by Her: A Breast Cancer Guide for Men

5 star:		(7)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(0)
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1 star:		(1)

 

 

This is a terrific resource for any husband, father, or supportive caregiver whose loved one is facing breast cancer. John Anderson opens his heart and life to us and offers wonderful practical advice from the knowledge he gained during the time he and his wife Sharon battled breast cancer. As anyone who has been down the road of navigating a life threatening illness knows, it is not easy. John honestly looks at the toll it takes on a marriage and how you can come through together on the other side. As I read this book, it really became a testament to the power of honesty and strength of two people confronting their fears and reaffirming their love at the same time. OK but it isn't just about that - it is also practical information that can help anyone who feels helpless when their spouse is so ill. Things like how to handle that first time you look at the scars of surgery or when is it a good time to tell the kids. Anderson confronts his own guilt - tired of having a sick wife, tired of the stress and tired of being positive and that honesty will help readers who may be facing a similar situation cope. This is a tremendous resource and one that you will read cover to cover and then go back and reread particular sections.

My wife, Brenda, was diagnosed with breast cancer this past year. I felt like I was hit by a truck. There are plenty of great books out there, such as Susan Love's Breast Book to help the general population understand what is happening. I don't know of ANY books like this one, which is written from the perspective of a man trying to cope with something we always think happens to someone else - not to me.

I pre-ordered this book as soon as I found out it was available on Amazon. It has been a HUGE help.

John Anderson has dealt with this dreaded disease from every angle you can imagine: from his mother to his sister to his wife. Just knowing there are guys out there like John that have gotten through it and are able to write a book to help others navigate through it is a big help in my opinion. Guys - like me - tend to pull back and go into the cave when these things happen. It was extremely helpful to have access to a book like this and remind myself that there are a lot of guys who've worked through it with their loved ones and come out stronger on the other side.

Knowledge is power - If you are struggling to understand what you can DO (very much a guy feeling), I'd recommend educating yourself with books like this one. Find others who've been through it and gird yourself for battle. The story of John's wife Sharon is amazing proof of how far we've come to beating this thing.

I just today received my pre-ordered copy of this book. John Anderson (and his wife Sharon Rapoport) own The Farm, a creative production company with whom I have had the pleasure to work over the past several years. They are incredible people, fun and talented and kind, and the kind of people who have experiences and opportunities that seem like the stuff of dreams. But they've also experienced the other side of the spectrum. Eight years ago, Sharon was diagnosed with breast cancer, and from all the stories I've heard, John stood by her in amazing ways. John has seen this from other sides, too - his mom, sister, and his mom's best friend all had breast cancer. He wrote this book for the men who love women with breast cancer - to help them understand the process, the emotions, the realities of dealing with this disease. I am devouring the book. Not only is it a valuable resource, it is a wonderful, moving tribute to the strong, brave women who have to enter into this fight. One in eight American women will be diagnosed with breast cancer, so even if you haven't had to face this yourself, you know someone who has, or you will.

John is going to be on all sorts of national programs in October talking about this book, so keep an eye out for him. And please, please, please consider ordering this book - for yourself, your parents, your neighbors, your sons, your friends. I guarantee it will speak to their needs. I'm making a list, trying to figure out how many (more) I need to order! This is an unusual angle, not something you see anywhere else, and a very important one. And as we enter into Breast Cancer Awareness Month in October, I'm sure we'll each become aware of many others who have battled this disease, so remember this book and please tell people about it. They'll be grateful that you did.

_Stand by Her_ is more of a how-to relationship guide for Breast Cancer Husbands, Sons, Fathers, and Grandsons than a guide on breast cancer disease and treatment. It effectively informs/guides the reader as to how to communicate with and support the affected woman in his life, no matter what their kinship is. This is a VERY GOOD book, a great complementary volume for _Breast Cancer Husband_. Find the time to read them both if your wife has breast cancer. Read _Stand by Her_ first if you are not the husband or primary caregiver. God bless you all in your time of difficulty.

A friend sent me a copy of this book after he read my review of The Selfish Pig's Guide to Caring here on Amazon. He knew that I have been the primary caregiver for my wife who has had brain cancer for over 30 years, and he wondered if Stand by Her: A Breast Cancer Guide for Men would be helpful to him -- his wife has recently been diagnosed with a stomach cancer.

My answer is maybe, depending on the husband and to a certain extent on the wife -- all of us are different and all of us react to the challenges in very different ways. I don't know much about breast cancer, but my sister went through the entire process described in this book six years ago, and they both thought it range true for them in several ways.

What I do know is that coming to grips with the issues presented to a husband arising from his wife's cancer can be very difficult to deal with. The Well blog on "The New York Times" website recently reportedfor on a study of 515 patients who received diagnoses of brain tumors or multiple sclerosis from 2001 through 2006. Women in the study who were told they had a serious illness were seven times as likely to become separated or divorced as men with similar health problems. Over all, about 12 percent of the patients in the study ended up separated or divorced, but when the man became ill, only 3 percent experienced the end of a marriage. Among women, about 21 percent ended up separated or divorced.

Readers reaction ran a wide gamut, with a very large number of women and men finding the results "pathetic" and proof that men are "evil" or that "men can't cope." As a caregiver for the past thirty and more years, very little of the discussion was very helpful to me; after all 80% of the men stayed with their ill wives. Suggestions on how to increase that percentage would have been much more constructive.

A few posts focused on a suggestion by the authors of the studies; they felt men had more trouble coping with the demands of caregiving because they lacked competence and training to do so. In particular, studies by the Well Spouse organization indicate that "spousal caregivers require a different kind of support than other family caregivers, due to the involvement of intimacy in the relationship. [we] know that studies have found that of all family caregivers, spousal caregivers take the longest to self-identify; and of these, men take longer than women." The group agrees with the sponsors of the study that more support for spousal caregivers, especially at the time of diagnosis, might reduce the divorce and separation rate.

There are more sources of support now than there were 30 years ago when my wife's tumor became a part of our lives, but every care giver is well advised to find some sort of approach to (and if possible support in) the new role they choose to accept.

Anderson uses his own experience to help men become supportive care givers while dealing with their own fears and emotions about a loved one with breast cancer. He tries to describe the physical and emotional challenges women face during treatment. He also discusses the strains on marriage and intimacy. Altogether, I believe Anderson has written a very helpful book for any husband facing the challenges standing by a wife with cancer.

At the same time, I hope people will read the one star review here on Amazon written by cindyinthewind . She makes a valid point about remission rates, but makes a very much more important point about how people differ in their approaches to the challenges. She writes:

"Men who are supporting a woman with breast cancer need to remember first that she's still an individual and an adult, and will remain so. She doesn't automatically transform into a helpless child who needs comforting from little pink teddy bears. Show her first that you don't think of her as infantile just because of her disease, and that it's not her breasts you value as much as you value HER, and you won't go wrong."

I've tried to follow cindyinthewind's advice for 30 plus years -- as a frail human being with sometimes mixed results. I agree completely that patients are individuals and have very different needs.

Each husband and each wife need to come to their own personal conclusions on how to deal with the challenges. Anderson's book can be very helpful to a husband trying to be as helpful as he is able to be.

Robert C. Ross 2009

Here's a guy who's had almost every woman in his life in a breast cancer fight. He decided to do something amazing with that experience, tell the men of the world who have a woman in their life (any woman - a sister, a mother, a wife, a daughter) how to cope and be the best kind of support for their loved one. The first few pages will knock your socks off.

Reading a book on breast cancer almost felt like tempting fate, but I was so intrigued by the idea of a breast cancer book, by a man, for men, that I took the plunge. I'm glad I did. Anderson speaks honestly, sensitively, and informatively to his audience. Any reader picking up this book will learn the in's and out's of the breast cancer process: from the history of breast cancer, to diagnosis, surgery, treatment, and survival after treatment. You see, as Anderson informs us, breast cancer does not have to be a death sentence. By the same token, how a man handles the illness, his own feelings, and the care of his loved one can have lasting effects on his relationships.

If you think that this book is a treatise to men on how to be the perfect spouse, think again, Anderson reveals his own story warts and all. The help is in the honesty, research and experience. The brilliance of the book is the author's ability to lay it out for men in a way only men can understand - down and dirty without the sugar coating. I also loved that in each section of the book, Anderson spells out how a brother, father, and husband can help, instead of simply detailing a husband's role. This book is a very compelling read and I believe, a precious gift and powerful weapon in the fight against breast cancer. Well done, Mr Anderson!

I got the book with a friend in mind to give to her husband. I started reading it and flew through. I found Anderson's play by play guide very helpful. The world of cancer is like a dark cave to most people. He walks you through in laymans terms and points out what to expect.

I actually was reading this book at a gas station while waiting for my car to be fixed. An older gentleman sitting next to me built up the nerve and asked if i had cancer. His wife was a 3 year survivor of breast cancer. We immediately launched into a deep discussion about the book and about life, death and cancer in general. At one point he started to weep. It was a very moving moment there at the Shell station. After my car was finished i gave him the book. He was very grateful. I definitely think there is a great need for this type of book for men. I drove straight to the Barnes and Noble and bought a new one. Even the sales clerk commented on the relevance of the book - I just heard that it has been picked by Laura Landro of the Wall Street Journal as one of the best health books for the year 2009

STAND BY HER: A BREAST CANCER GUIDE FOR MEN stands nearly alone in the wealth of breast cancer guides directed for women. This focuses on how men can support their families and friends diagnosed with breast cancer, offering chapters based on the author's personal experience and research. From the hardest part of waiting during surgery to helping a loved one's recovery and understanding her feelings, STAND BY HER is an invaluable guide to support. A must for both health collections and personal consultation.

As a woman who has had breast cancer, I have glanced through this book to see what kind of advice it offers men for helping women through it. One thing that really stuck out to me is that the author is apparently under the misimpression that if a woman goes five years without a recurrence of breast cancer, she is "officially cured" and it's time to celebrate. This is a really dangerous belief to perpetuate, and may devastate women who have recurrences after they thought they were "out of the woods." The sad fact is that there is no such thing as a breast cancer "cure," and that unlike many other cancers for which five years is the "all clear" point, there is never such a point for breast cancer. It can recur at any time, but based on the particular type, it may be more or less likely to recur. This book shouldn't be spreading the myth of "five years out and you're cured"; it's very irresponsible.

Less importantly but still significant, there's also no acknowledgment in this book that women with breast cancer each feel differently about the "pinkapalooza" that is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Men should see how the woman in their lives feels about it before bombarding her with pink-ribbon junk, because some of us just HATE it--the pink products, the tchotchkes, the charity races, the whole thing. In fact, for some of us, just getting through the month of October, faced with reminders of our ordeal at every turn, is painful.

Men who are supporting a woman with breast cancer need to remember first that she's still an individual and an adult, and will remain so. She doesn't automatically transform into a helpless child who needs comforting from little pink teddy bears. Show her first that you don't think of her as infantile just because of her disease, and that it's not her breasts you value as much as you value HER, and you won't go wrong.