Customer Reviews

The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony

5 star:		(18)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

I found this to be a great book. I don't think the book is perfect, and, as some other reviewers have pointed out, Paul can make some big jumps in her conclusions. So don't read this as a super-controlled scientific assessment (which it isn't supposed to be anyway). I found that the book wasn't anti-marriage or pro-marriage, but rather just touched up on a lot of the realities, myths, struggles, and ideas that Gen X (and a little older and younger) face when it comes marriage -- like how so many go into marriage with the subconscious expectation that it will make life complete or fix things that marriages just can't "fix." I was especially thankful on her section about the "wedding industry" that markets absurdly expensive weddings (the perfect dress, the biggest ring, the best food... the most important day of your life!) to individuals and couples and that often contributes to a loss of perspective about what the actual marriage after the wedding might involve. One of the most helpful things I got from this book was the articulation of a feeling that I and many of my friends have -- that you are not complete until you are married and that being married will "make things okay," which until this book I hadn't recognized as so widespread/generational/cultural. Secondly, I appreciated the feeling from the book that divorce can be okay, is sometimes better, but that sometimes a marriage just takes a little more work. I was glad she made it clear that marriage has had too high of expectations hoisted upon it, that it is hard work, can be great, can be hard, and can be rewarding. She is legitimately hard on the "pro-marriage" camp that promotes marriage as the savoir of civilization and that advocates staying married at all costs. If you want an anti-divorce book, this is not it. But if you want a fair treatment of many of the struggles that the twenty and thirty somethings face in trying to make a life with a partner, in the face of work, high expectations for marriage, our parents' marriages and divorces and a culture that sends amazingly mixed and strong messages about marriage, sex, and "success" this is a great place to start. Particularly for those thinking of getting married or struggling in the early years of a marriage, this might be particularly helpful to pique your thinking.

I had no words to explain the failure of my own Gen X 2 and 1/2 year marriage this last fall. I was chilled to read this book which literally seemed to be parroting my own rationalizations and fears prior to my marriage back to me. On almost every page was an observation about Gen X marriages that mirrored my own experience - right down to the same phrases uttered by the couples interviewed. I know the author has taken some flack for this book, but it strikes me that nothing validates a book of social commentary like being able to see your own life in its pages.

This absorbing portrait of starter marriage and divorce is instructive and solution-oriented. Despite its focus on divorce, I'll be recommending it to my single, engaged and married friends.

Paul's discussion of matrimony works well as a jumping-off point for a larger project: a nuanced analysis of twenty- and thirty-somethings. She zeroes in on character traits that many emergent adults downplay, like loneliness and competitiveness.

Paul's description of our generation's sky-high expectations and pitfalls reminds me of a line from F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel "This Side of Paradise": "You're a slave, a bound helpless slave to one thing in the world, your imagination."

Without moralizing, Paul takes an intelligent look at the state of marriage among young people today, and labels the phenomenon of "starter marriage.' She makes a thorough analysis of why many young marriages are breaking up. If we want to understand where the institution of marriage is headed in our culture, and why, this book is an excellent road map with many keen insights.
Carol Mayer, New York, NY

Having seen two different nieces stay married less than a year, I've wondered about the state of marriage. I found this book helpful with issues they have told me they struggled with and have given a copy to each of them.

A loving aunt. Louisville, KY

This compelling examination of marriage combines hard data with personal stories to provide readers with a look at a trend and the real people behind it. The book is a thought-provoking analysis of the state of marriage today and what we might expect in the future. The book also contains valuable lessons for singles and newlyweds alike. A particular strength of the book is that the author resists taking sides or promoting a social or political agenda - she simply tells it like it is.

As a single, never-married girl in my twenties, I bought The Starter Marriage not because I've had marriage problems, but because I want to prevent them. As prevalent as the starter marriage (awesome phrase, btw) is in our culture, I plan to do my best not to have one. I found this book instrumental in teaching me -- in a fun, beach-read kind of way -- how to go about making sure that when I marry, it will be right. Reading about other peoples' mistakes (a guilty pleasure in itself) helped me to examine my own attitudes toward and expectations of marriage. And what do you know, I saw some things within myself that I'm now working on changing so that, when I'm ready, I can do this marriage thing right.

I am recommending this book to all my single friends so they can all take preventative measures to avoid the pain and heartache of a starter marriage.

As an ordained person, it has been my privilege to preside at many weddings. Unfortunately, it has also been my sadness to help families pick up the pieces after a marriage ends. Pamela Paul has written an insightful guide not just for those contemplating marriage, but for those who will preside over the service at which vows are made. Many of the points Ms. Pound ennumerates are areas in which many clergy--including myself--choose not to tread because we don't want to inject a shadow of doubt into what should be a hopeful and promising occasion. In her explanation of the penomenon of the "Starter Marriage", as well as what leads to them, and what results, Ms. Paul shows implicitly that there is a great deal that prepareing for a marriage is much more important, and potentially more time consuming, than preparing for a wedding.

After reading Ms. Paul's book, I have come to a better understanding of the types of questions to ask couples who come to me for pre-marital work, but more importantly, I have a new sense of urgency in asking them. Ms. Paul's book is a must for the library of any clergy, and should be on the required reading list of every seminary.

I'm a media consultant, and specialize in Talk Radio.
Too often, Talk Radio is TOO BORING...50-something white male political blowhards with the same-old-same-old blah, blah, blah.
But I'm recommending this book and its author to all the hosts I coach. Its message resonates, and its author has walked-the-walk.
And, when I read her book, I saw three years of my life.

If I had read this before I got married, maybe I wouldn't have gone ahead and tied the knot for ALL THE WRONG REASONS (and ended up divorced). Given the failure rate of marriages, I feel like people need to go in with their eyes open, not squeezed shut and just, like, hoping for the best. Tough as it is to read--I mean emotionally--this book should be required reading for engaged couples.