Customer Reviews

Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today's Blended Family

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In this straightforward book, the authors coin the term stepcoupling to mean the "ongoing process of forming and maintaining a marriage when children are involved." We all know that we have to pay attention to our marriages to sustain our stepfamilies, and the authors tell us that our success "hinges on the willingness and ability of the partners to grapple with personal and family issues." Then they offer help.

The entire book discusses various personal and family issues that can threaten a stepfamily marriage. Instead of a lot of hard to understand theory, you'll find accessible advice that hits home with so many common problems. Gray boxes throughout provide questions for yourself and for discussions to have with your spouse. Autonomous questions pepper the text, and the authors follow them with practical solutions. Real stepparents, too, contribute their stories and feelings. You'll probably see yourself in several places in these comforting pages.

The book discusses a stepparent's expections of herself and her family. And in the very helpful section on boundaries, the authors discuss not only physical boundaries but also boundaries on relationships, including the need to sever the ties with former spouses and how to expand your boundaries to include your stepchildren. The section on "family acrobatics" tackles the issue of finding everyone's place in the family. You'll also learn how to strike a balance when your styles and values on parenting, money or anything else differ from your spouse's.

The final chapter is one stepcouple's story in their words, how they've survived twenty-nine years to become the close family they are. You'll find encouragement, advice and compassion in this book that truly understands stepfamilies.

I am a clinical social worker in private therapy practice. I purchased this book three years ago to help a family with whom I was working in therapy. Since then, I have quoted the highlighted passages from my own copy numerous times in sessions, and have loaned the book out so many times that a client finally bought me a newer copy, as a gift for helping her family so much. The best thing about this book is how it highlights the couple relationship. Blended family couples finally have support in creating the foundation for success. Many texts about blending families and helping children deal with divorce focus on how the "children should come first", to the exclusion of what is necessary to keep the adults healthy. Children's needs are certainly paramount, but often that belief feeds a system wherein parents are almost forced to create a triangulated situation between their biological children and their new spouse. This book clearly explains how to avoid that triangulation, and to keep the power where it belongs: with the two adults in the home, as a team. As a structural family therapist, this book helps me to show parents what we mean when we talk about the "executive power system" in the family. In order to have healthy blended families, it is absolutely essential to have a strong parent couple in each family. This book helps the reader with the myths and misconceptions of "step-families", which are really better termed "blended families". It gives good suggestions on how to deal with "the exes" -- the other parents of the children in your home. It addresses the "yours, mine and ours" issues that come up when blended families add more kids to the family. It also addresses special considerations that need to be made when one parent has died. The message of hope throughout this book makes it easy to read and truly finish, especially for parents in busy families. The personal stories from parents in blended families give the reader the sense that they are not alone, and that it will get better. I highly recommend this book, for every blended family parent, and every family therapist working with blended families.

I married a man quite a lot older than me -- he had children and I did not. I had no idea the sudden imapact having four stepchildren would have on me -- and my marriage! Reading Stepcoupling was the first step to saving my marriage and my sanity. Susan Wisdom clearly understands all the complicated dynamics of the stepfamily -- from an uncooporative ex-spouse to angry stepchildren. She offers useful discussion guides, questionaires, exercises, and tried-and-true strategies to help parnters cope with the new responsibilities and challenges. Knowing that if the stepcouple remains strong and presents a unified position, then all the other challenges can be resolved made all the difference. My husband read the book too and from that point on we began the process of building a strong family.

Although there are many outstanding books on stepparenting, this is the first book that focuses exclusively on stepcouples. With the use of excellent case examples, the authors present sound advice and strategies for dealing with the innumerable, difficult issues faced by these couples. While this is clearly a "remarriage manual", it is more useful than most because it integrates theory in a quite readable, understandable way. For example, family of origin theory is used to demonstrate how unresolved, early life issues can further complicate stepcoupling relationships. I strongly recommend this book to those who are contemplating or currently in stepcoupling relationships, as well as counselors and therapists who see these couples in their practice.

The authors identify the many issues that stand in the way of a couple's happiness in blended families--intrusive ex-spouses, difficult stepchildren, a parent's close relationship to his or her biological children, to name just a few. Wisdom and Green constantly encourage readers to nurture the "stepcouple" relationship in the face of these challenges, and provide practical advice about how to do it. The tone is authoritative and hopeful, and the book includes interesting anecdotes from anonymous stepfamily members. "Stepcoupling" is a very useful and well-organized book that will help stepparents and their spouses grapple with many stepfamily challenges. As a parent in a family with "his," "hers" and "ours" kids, I personally found the book both inspiring and overwhelming. It's an important reminder about how hard we must all work in blended families to balance everyone's interests and needs.

Here is the encouragement and advice many of us need to move forward in our lives along with the techniques and instructions to successfully deal with what faces us on a daily basis. There are so many factors that can complicate the life of a stepparent and 'Stepcoupling' addresses many of these problems head-on with real life stories and straightforward advice by ultimately proving that your marriage, as the foundation of your stepfamily, is the most important relationship you have.

The book labels itself as a "manual" and if ever there was a stepfamily 'How-To', this is it! After you follow several couples' experiences throughout the book, you will find a great surprise in the last chapter that rounds out this book perfectly. The 'How-To' flows through 'Stepcoupling' not only through the authors' life experiences and stories from stepcouples, but also by letting you fill in the blanks with your own life by allowing you to share honesty about your feelings between the pages of the book and yourself.

I read this book in 48 hours and now use it to refer to whenever a crisis hits our stepcoupling relationship. Susan Wisdom dares to tell the straight facts about being a stepcouple while affirming that you can feel all the difficulties and still be considered normal. My children are all grown and at 50 I never expected to raise small children again but here I am in a love relationship that includes five year old twins and I need help. This book clarified the feelings that are associated with forming a stepcouple and allowed me to understand how it all takes time. An excellent book that I highly reccomend!

After many years wondering what in the world I am doing in such a difficult situation (step couple/step family), or if I am doing it right, I found this book so refreshing. The personal accounts made me feel like I was not in this alone! After reading this book, I can manage smaller bites and handle things day by day. I appreciate the book's focus on the Stepcouple and the experience and knowledge that the writers obviously bring to the table. This was a much needed book on a topic that has been sorely overlooked.

This book is a soothing and practical guide for those of us in stepcouples, yet it faces head on some of the more difficult challenges faced by stepcouples, in a caring and constructive way. I would love to have had this book when we first started out more than 10 years ago! I can't think of any situation covered in this book that we haven't experienced at some point or in some form or another in our remarriage. It is a comfort to see that a lot of what we learned the hard way is right there in "Stepcoupling." I would recommend it very highly to anyone in a remarriage, contemplating remarriage or supporting remarried couples. Maybe even older stepchildren and children born into blended families should read this for some insights as to what their parents and stepparents are struggling with. Marriage takes effort no matter what, but stepcouples face so many surprising issues that usually have no pat answers. This book is a tremendous help to anyone navigating "step" territory.

I recently previewed a series of books as a potential texts to use with step families in crisis. The least informative of these books was "Happily Remarried" by David and Lisa Frisbie. Although the book was inherently readable and certainly got a few good points across--it was completely inadequate to deal with the complexities many step families face.

If your step family is dealing with serious issues I recommend "Smart Step Family" by Ron Deal or "Step Coupling" by Susan Wisdom and Jennifer Green. You will find either of these books to be far more comprehensive and useful, although each one has its own strengths. The "Smart Step Family" is a book written from a strong Christian perspective and as such provides significant spiritual and biblical background for people of faith. "Step Coupling" approaches the step family more from a secular counseling context and therefore does not delve much into the moral or ethical aspects of the various issues facing step families. Indeed, when discussing a foundational issue like honesty or dishonesty, the "Step Coupling" book explicitly states that neither value is right or wrong. This was almost a deal-breaker for me. I suspect that even most non-religious people would struggle with the idea that all behavior is value neutral. Nevertheless, the book largely arrives at the same conclusions as its Christian counterpart--albeit from a different perspective.

All in all, I think that any step family going through internal or external struggles would be well served to read both books. Both bring unique and significant insights into the challenges that step families face. The "Step Coupling" book is somewhat more earthy and easy to read, being filled with concrete examples from actual step families. The "Smart Step Family" book feels a little more detached, but still does a very good job of communicating the key issues that step families need to address, while acknowledging the spiritual needs of those involved and how to address them. In this sense, it is perhaps the deeper of the two. Either book will do a good job in helping the step family better understand itself and move toward a more fulfilling future together.