Customer Reviews

Stepfamilies

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4 star:		(6)
3 star:		(3)
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I read this book -- and about 20 others -- along with going to 'professional family counselors' and our local pastor because I wanted to 'break the cycle' of disfunction and divorce in which I found myself and young son entangled. I was raised in a blended stepfamily since the age of two. My son was on his way to becoming a stepson at the age of six. I wanted for us to have a more successful family, and for my son to enjoy his childhood more than I (or my two full- and two half- siblings) did. Nearly all of my siblings, cousins, and parental figures are divorced or unhappily married; anyone can see my problem is 'where do I turn for good, useful, success-based advice!?!' During my quest, what I have found is that most 'clinical' books and 'family psychologists' are pleased and (unfortunately) overly-fascinated with judging and labelling what is wrong with people, but have absolutely no clue about real-life solutions people could use to independently solve problems and build strong families. Other books blame the problems strictly on a lack of morals and strong traditional religious foundation. I found Dr. Bray's book to be not only insightful, but also very comforting, helpful, hopeful, and inclusive. His insights about what makes various types of blended stepfamilies work well -- albiet, over time -- were the most appropriate and helpful comments I have encountered. He describes ways he observed folks successfully handle controlling and manipulative ex-spouses and children (of both genders); how the stepfamily changes as the children grow into adolescence; how to deal with such issues as sexuality and emotional intimacy; how successful extended/blended families of various types (step-mothers, step-fathers, step-grandparents, etc.)envisioned and created happy futures; and what to do when ex-spouses suddenly decline to visit their children. Again, most other work on stepfamilies and children I read focused on the 'thing' issues such as labelling behavior as 'narcissistic' or 'abhorent' and trying to convince readers they need to rush in to get expensive and extensive psychotherapy, or just shush-be-grateful and accept their lives as-is. Dr. Bray's work focus' on "okay, you're who you are, now lets provide you the tools to help you - yourself - figure out how you can help make an extended family work... plus, let's expose you to the hard lessons from families that failed to thrive so that you have a chance to correct your course of action."

If you feel you are a competent adult who wants competent expert guidance, not psychotherapy (because you're NOT mentally ill, you just want some 'family-building' advice for goodness sake) this book is for you!

I found this book to be insightful and well-written, but I did not realize when I bought it that it was based on a study of families with a natural mother and stepfather only or that the vast majority of stepfamilies described in the study were Texans.

I was particularly frustrated by two things. One was that the book focused entirely on full-time stepfathers and even part-time stepmothers, but barely mentioned full-time stepmothers. The other was that throughout the book the authors took the point of view that children have only one "real" family, which is almost always with their mother. "Visits" with their father may have benefits but are essentially disruptions for the stepfamily. Perhaps Dr. Bray could have pulled more heavily from his clinical experience and strayed more from the very focused NIH study to give us ideas on how to make true co-parenting, joint custody stepfamilies work.

Dr. Bray's conclusions about what in general can make a stepfamily work - or not work - were, however, useful. His descriptions of what can happen when a stepparent overparents too early or when parents and stepparents criticize the noncustodial parent in the presence of the children were especially telling. I used material from this book to initiate some good discussions about expectations with my fiance. It encouraged me to give more thought to stepfamily-specific issues that will affect our marriage and I do expect our marriage to be stronger for it. Also, I find the case-study approach used in this book much more reliable than the take-my-word-for-it approach many authors use. I do recommend this book, but families whose situations more closely resemble those of the families in the study will get more out of it.

This book is good for women who have custody of their children and decide to remarry. It describes issues that might be faced by the new step-father and the resulting step-family. There is just one small section about the father and his new wife. I am currently a part-time step-mother and was looking for information on how to deal with my husbands young children whom we get to see only two weekends a month. I was also looking for information on how to deal with the difficult ex-wife. This book didn't help me much. Like I said, this book is good for women with children who remarry. It just didn't fit my situation.

Bray has written a popularization of a clinical study conducted over a decade. In it he identifies three typical stepfamily types: Neotraditional, Matriarchal, and Romantic. He also presents his theory of a stepfamily life-cycle. In my opinion, anyone contemplating remarriage with children should give this book serious study and reflection.

Unlike most self-help literature regarding stepfamilies, Bray presents serious clinical support for his assertions, although these conclusions are generally presented in apocryphal case studies to increase lay acceptance and understanding.

But he makes it clear that stepfamilies are tough. In fact, my personal review of additional clinical research indicates that Bray could be accused of soft-peddaling the difficulties a bit. The families participating in his study did not include a significant number of teenage stepchildren, and in my opinion, his conclusions regarding eventual acceptance of the stepparent is not applicable to the stepfamily with teenage children. I believe the Matriarchal stepfamily may be a significant improvement over the Neotraditional when teenagers are present.

A special note to anyone considering remarriage: I have three teenage stepchildren in my six month old remarriage. It is quite difficult, I cannot deny that, but knowing this going into the marriage has made all the difference. Bray was a major part of halping me prepare for this new life. I think he can help you, too.

When I became engaged to a man with two children, we read every stepfamily book we could find in order to increase our knowledge of how to make the changes as smooth as possible for the children, and for us. Both of us found this book to be the most useful. The only downside is that most of the situations are presented for stepfathers, rather than stepmothers. Also, most of the situtations assume the mother has primary custody. (We have joint custody.) This problem is true of most books, though.

After having two children, I divorced my husband, and a short while later married a very loving and caring man. Instinctively I knew that he should hold back until the children were able to blend him into their lives, and so within two years, and after the birth of another child, our family did indeed fall into one of the family structures of the book. In hindsight it was good to know that I handled it the right way, though I wish I had this information beforehand to guide me.

My second husband passed away 10 years later and this time when I remarried the family dynamics were totally different. I was frustrated that I could not duplicate the previous family and fortunately after reading the book and seeing that there were other legitimate family structures, I was able to enjoy this new one.

I think the book is a definate read for anyone that is marrying into a blended family and needs to understand its dynamics. Because the book spans many years, it creates an long term understanding from the children's point of view, so that the marriage is not a source of constant conflict.

All parents embarking on this complicated and constantly changing blended family dynamics should read the book. It may make life just a bit more tolerable.

This book very clearly details the specific issues that my step family has been dealing with over the past three years. This is not a how-to book. However, it does offer much reassurance for stepfamilies who are struggling to define the roles within their familiy. The book states that the first two years are the hardest. That was wonderful to read. I thought our family was going break up because we weren't operating smoothly immediately. But just as the book describes, after two horrifically emotionally painful years, we turned a corner and the rewards are tremendous. This book is an invaluable resource for stepfamilies and easy to read to boot. My husband will tell anyone that I am the original tightwad, yet I am buying two copies to pass on to friends. Read it.

This book is fantastic. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist and am in a blended family. Dr. Bray, through his research, hit on every troublesome topic known to stepfather families, discussed them thoroughly and then made accurate, wise suggestions for conquering them. His writing style is great for laypersons and refreshing for professionals. So many self-help books are like eating sand but I read this book in less than one day. If you are considering DATING AFTER DIVORCE, read this book. If you are engaged to remarry, you and your future spouse need to read this book. It will save you GREAT heatache. Do NOT enter into a remarriage without educating yourself as to what you are getting yourself and your children into!

I am the child of parents who have been married almost 40 years, but my spouse endured several divorces as a child. I have learned that I am in the minority by having my parents together for so long and that there are some things I just do not understand about the dynamics of divorce. With this book I was able to gain some insight as to the experiences my husband has had. What I learned has given me a greater understanding of him and a greater sensitivity in dealing with his background. This book is not just for stepfamilies.

I am a single mother of a 4 year old son. I am in a serious relationship with a potential stepparent. This book helped immensly with my questions about remarriage. It explains the phenomenon of the difficult first few years, and how it differs from the honeymoon period of the first marriage. Dr. Bray gave examples of three archtypal families and let me decide which one mine most resembled. Best of all, this is based on a case study longitudinal research project. It is not a summary of the author's opinions, but a grouping of facts! It defuncts some of the rumors about discipline and family structure that are currently floating around and are supported by well-meaning professionals. I suggest that anyone remotely involved with step families read this fantastic book. My parents are divorced and even as a adult child of stepparents it has helped me!