Stepfamilies: Love, Marriage and Parenting in the First Decade [Hardcover]

James H. Bray (Author), John Kelly (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: June 15, 1998

Based on a landmark longitudinal study, the nation's leading expert on stepfamilies reveals his breakthrough findings and offers the first detailed guide to easing the conflicts of stepfamily life and healing the scars of divorce.

There are more than twenty million stepfamilies in America.  For most of them, the simple, daily issues that challenge every family are even more anxiety-provoking.  After conducting a comprehensive nine-year-long study funded by the National Institutes of Health, Dr.  James H.  Bray has written an invaluable book that explains why over half of all stepfamilies fail and reveals the strategies that help the others succeed.

A stepfamily is assaulted on all sides by difficult and often divisive questions.  How much control should a stepparent have over a stepchild? How much authority should a nonresidential parent exert over a child? How should a difficult former spouse be handled? How does an "ours" baby change the emotional dynamic in a stepfamily? Why is there a lack of "honeymoon effect" during the first years of stepfamily life?

The purpose of Stepfamilies is to answer all the important questions of stepfamily life--to fill in the knowledge gaps that undermine so many stepfamilies today and, crucially, to learn the effect of stepfamily life on children.  Based on one of the largest and longest studies of stepfamily life ever conducted, Stepfamilies interweaves the stories of real families to illustrate such study findings as how:

a stepfamily has its own natural life cycle
a stepfamily takes several years to develop into a family unit
a stepfamily is at greatest risk during the first two years
a stepfamily ultimately coalesces into one of three forms
a stepfamily must solve four basic tasks in order to succeed
a stepfamily can help heal the scars of divorce

Filled with emotional, gripping stories, Bray's findings pinpoint the three major transitions in stepfamily life and identify the riskiest issues that can throw a family into crisis.  Bray is the first to identify the several distinct forms that stepfamilies take and to explore which types of stepfamilies are more vulnerable than others and why.  He also describes the natural life cycle of stepfamilies and basic tasks all stepfamilies must undertake to succeed.  With a wealth of insight into the positive effects of remarriage, Bray shows how a loving, well-functioning stepfamily can lessen the trauma of divorce and restore a child's and family's sense of security.

Most stepparents remarry with the highest hopes and new resolutions for a better life.  Never before have their unique needs been addressed in depth. Through insightful case studies and practical advice, Stepfamilies reveals how a strong, stable stepfamily is as capable as a nuclear family of nurturing healthy development, of imbuing values, of setting limits and boundaries, and of providing a structure in which rules for living a moral and productive life are transmitted, tested, rebelled against, and ultimately affirmed.  Bray's positive message and fascinating findings--many of which defy intuition--will put stepfamilies on the road to lifelong harmony.

Editorial Reviews

From Library Journal

In this fascinating report on the first major study of stepfamilies to date, Bray (family medicine, Baylor Coll. of Medicine) takes a deep look into the workings of this relatively new family unit and identifies three general types: the Neotraditional, the Matriarchal, and the Romantic. The results?formed with expertise gathered from Bray's clinical practice and through a National Institute of Health study he conducted over a nine-year period with 100 stepfamilies and 100 nuclear families as subjects?find that Neotraditional stepfamilies, which eventually look somewhat like traditional nuclear families, have the best success surviving the trials and disappointments of stepfamily life, while Romantics either fail or develop into other kinds of stepfamilies, and Matriarchals see varying degrees of success. This thorough and intelligent book, with its careful consideration of the reasons why over half of the stepfamilies don't succeed and its inspiring insight into how stepfamilies that work do it, will be very welcome in all libraries.?Rebecca Miller, "Library Journal"
Copyright 1998 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Kirkus Reviews

A handbook for blended families that offers some substantive advice, based on a 10-year longitudinal study by Bray, presented with the help of Kelly (co-author, The Secret Life of an Unborn Child, not reviewed). As a clinical psychologist, Bray (Family Medicine/Baylor Coll. of Medicine) worked frequently with stepfamilies and knew that up to 60 percent of second marriages that include stepchildren do not succeed. With funding from the National Institutes of Health, he recruited 200 families--all Texas-based, generally white and middle or working class, with a biological mother and a stepfather as the family core--in a search for information about why this is so. He found each family unique in its struggle to create a close-knit and loving home but was able to identify three general categories and three stages that predict the degree of success. The categories are the Neotraditional family, where husbands and wives emphasize the relationship rather than themselves; the Romantic family, least likely to succeed because expectations are unrealistic; and the Matriarchal family, where the mother is highly competent and dominant. All stepfamilies, whatever their type, follow a pattern of ups and downs, according to Bray. As with a first marriage, the first two years, when children and adults are sorting out their relationships and coming to terms with shadows of the first marriages, are the hardest. The next three or four years are more tranquil as compromises have been made, but the third cycle can see stress and conflict again, as children and parents endure adolescence. One major obstacle to the emerging stepfamily: stepparents who move too quickly to take over the parental role. Detailed and evocative case histories illuminate discussions of these various landmarks in stepfamilies lives, including the sometimes disruptive but vital role of former spouses. A step up for stepfamilies, who may not fit exactly into the pigeonholes described but can take comfort and guidance from Bray's findings. -- Copyright ©1998, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 288 pages
• Publisher: Broadway; 1st edition (June 15, 1998)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0767901029
• ISBN-13: 978-0767901024
• Product Dimensions: 9.5 x 6.5 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.3 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (16 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,344,071 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

43 of 43 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Finally, a compelling 'success formula' for stepfamilies!, June 16, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: Stepfamilies (Paperback)

I read this book -- and about 20 others -- along with going to 'professional family counselors' and our local pastor because I wanted to 'break the cycle' of disfunction and divorce in which I found myself and young son entangled. I was raised in a blended stepfamily since the age of two. My son was on his way to becoming a stepson at the age of six. I wanted for us to have a more successful family, and for my son to enjoy his childhood more than I (or my two full- and two half- siblings) did. Nearly all of my siblings, cousins, and parental figures are divorced or unhappily married; anyone can see my problem is 'where do I turn for good, useful, success-based advice!?!' During my quest, what I have found is that most 'clinical' books and 'family psychologists' are pleased and (unfortunately) overly-fascinated with judging and labelling what is wrong with people, but have absolutely no clue about real-life solutions people could use to independently solve problems and build strong families. Other books blame the problems strictly on a lack of morals and strong traditional religious foundation. I found Dr. Bray's book to be not only insightful, but also very comforting, helpful, hopeful, and inclusive. His insights about what makes various types of blended stepfamilies work well -- albiet, over time -- were the most appropriate and helpful comments I have encountered. He describes ways he observed folks successfully handle controlling and manipulative ex-spouses and children (of both genders); how the stepfamily changes as the children grow into adolescence; how to deal with such issues as sexuality and emotional intimacy; how successful extended/blended families of various types (step-mothers, step-fathers, step-grandparents, etc.)envisioned and created happy futures; and what to do when ex-spouses suddenly decline to visit their children. Again, most other work on stepfamilies and children I read focused on the 'thing' issues such as labelling behavior as 'narcissistic' or 'abhorent' and trying to convince readers they need to rush in to get expensive and extensive psychotherapy, or just shush-be-grateful and accept their lives as-is. Dr. Bray's work focus' on "okay, you're who you are, now lets provide you the tools to help you - yourself - figure out how you can help make an extended family work... plus, let's expose you to the hard lessons from families that failed to thrive so that you have a chance to correct your course of action."

If you feel you are a competent adult who wants competent expert guidance, not psychotherapy (because you're NOT mentally ill, you just want some 'family-building' advice for goodness sake) this book is for you!

16 of 16 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Insightful analysis of a very specific situation, March 1, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: Stepfamilies: Love, Marriage and Parenting in the First Decade (Hardcover)

I found this book to be insightful and well-written, but I did not realize when I bought it that it was based on a study of families with a natural mother and stepfather only or that the vast majority of stepfamilies described in the study were Texans.

I was particularly frustrated by two things. One was that the book focused entirely on full-time stepfathers and even part-time stepmothers, but barely mentioned full-time stepmothers. The other was that throughout the book the authors took the point of view that children have only one "real" family, which is almost always with their mother. "Visits" with their father may have benefits but are essentially disruptions for the stepfamily. Perhaps Dr. Bray could have pulled more heavily from his clinical experience and strayed more from the very focused NIH study to give us ideas on how to make true co-parenting, joint custody stepfamilies work.

Dr. Bray's conclusions about what in general can make a stepfamily work - or not work - were, however, useful. His descriptions of what can happen when a stepparent overparents too early or when parents and stepparents criticize the noncustodial parent in the presence of the children were especially telling. I used material from this book to initiate some good discussions about expectations with my fiance. It encouraged me to give more thought to stepfamily-specific issues that will affect our marriage and I do expect our marriage to be stronger for it. Also, I find the case-study approach used in this book much more reliable than the take-my-word-for-it approach many authors use. I do recommend this book, but families whose situations more closely resemble those of the families in the study will get more out of it.

20 of 21 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars good for mothers who remarry...not for fathers who remarry, March 23, 2001

By 

Snyder - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Stepfamilies: Love, Marriage and Parenting in the First Decade (Hardcover)

This book is good for women who have custody of their children and decide to remarry. It describes issues that might be faced by the new step-father and the resulting step-family. There is just one small section about the father and his new wife. I am currently a part-time step-mother and was looking for information on how to deal with my husbands young children whom we get to see only two weekends a month. I was also looking for information on how to deal with the difficult ex-wife. This book didn't help me much. Like I said, this book is good for women with children who remarry. It just didn't fit my situation.