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44 of 47 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
What Every Stepmother Needs to Know, June 6, 2009
This review is from: Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do (Hardcover)
Wednesday Martin could have written a moving memoir about her own experiences as a stepmother. She could have pieced together an enlightening narrative from interviews with stepmothers. Or she could have done a scholarly, rigorously researched treatise on what history and sociobiology have to say about stepmothering. Instead she has done all three, succinctly and articulately, in fewer than 300 pages.
Stepmonster dares to speak uncomfortable truths: that even the nicest stepmothers and stepchildren frequently don't like each other; that it can take years for stepfamilies to settle into something resembling a satisfactory adjustment; that stepmothers and stepchildren virtually never form bonds as close as birth parents and children; and that all of these things are completely normal.
For any woman who is a stepmother or is considering becoming one, this book is like water in the desert.
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22 of 22 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Finally a Stepmother-Centric Perspective..., April 18, 2010
This review is from: Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do (Hardcover)
In a word: "Wow!"
This is truly a first-of-its-kind book about stepmothering as it focuses exclusively on the needs, perceptions, emotions and experiences of the stepmother. Thank you, Wednesday Martin, for finally giving stepmothers validation and a voice. Well-written and impeccably sourced, it presents an unflinching look at stepmothering. I couldn't put it down and read it in one day!
I know from personal experience, both as a stepmother and stepdaughter, that stepparenting is one of the toughest and most thankless jobs in the world; compassion fatigue is a real risk. And, unfortunately, to date, most of the books disseminated by the blended family/stepparenting industry are child-centric, advising newly-blended families to put the needs of the children from the prior marriage first. Add to that all of the messages from popular culture, media, etc. that subtly and not-so-subtly vilify stepmothers (e.g., "Cinderella") and it should come as no surpise that second marriages with stepchildren fail at such an alarming rate. "Stepmonster" brings a fresh perspective to this particular sub-genre of self-help books; I sincerely hope it is but the first of many books to fairly explore the precarious role of the stepmother in modern family life.
My personal take-away message from this book was that, as stepparents and stepchildren, we are, to each other, non-essential personnel and must strive to form our bonds based upon civility and mutual respect (picking up after oneself doesn't hurt either!). We don't have to a have a perfect relationship or one that mimics the biological parent-child relationship. Rather, the stepparent-stepchild relationship can take many forms, ranging from a close, warm, family-like interaction to an arms-length but cordial experience, depending upon each individual. Most importantly, a stepmom owes it to herself to carefully evaluate what she can and cannot give her stepchildren in order to preserve her family and avoid burn-out.
Kudos to Wednesday Martin!
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21 of 21 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
Feminist [...], January 24, 2010
This review is from: Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do (Hardcover)
Wednesday Martin lists Step-Dilemma Number One as "The Myth of the Blended Family" in this emotionally charged look into the real experiences of stepmothers: Stepmonster. She writes, "The blended family myth depends on and derives its potency from another myth, a notion just as widely embraced, just as dearly cherished, and just as fantastical-namely, that all women should love all children all the time."
Interviews with stepmothers of all ages and experiences revealed to her how common some of the feelings and contradictions are for anyone who takes on this role. Pulled between a new marriage, the ex, and children who aren't mature enough to perceive the complexities of the situation everyone is in often make for a powder keg of negative feelings that are utterly taboo to express. Unlike new mothers, who can share their burdens by commiserating about how rough it is to lose sleep, stepmothers are faced with looks of horror if they dare admit any aspect of their new lives might be less than perfect-or a complete disaster on a daily basis.
Stepmonster came about after this Yale-educated woman with a doctorate in comparative literature married a man with two teenage daughters and, (surprise!) had a rough time adjusting and overcoming the desire to make everything... blend. She uses her own nine year experience as the kindling for an in-depth study into the half-truths and sociological myths underlying-and thereby negatively effecting-women who attempt to situate themselves into the stepmother role. Fairy tales, sociobiology, and a genuine understanding and empathy all make this an essential read for anyone about to enter into, or already steeped in, the maze of the stepmother role.
As an adult stepchild, I have recently become very close with my own stepmother after years of virtual estrangement. Reading this really opened my eyes to a lot of my own behavior as an adolescent that kept her at arm's length without my having even been aware of it. The nature of a divorce and remarriage is so intricate and emotionally complex, and involves so many aspects of the both new partner's self-image and the formulation of the pre-existing children's identities, that it is daunting to unravel.
Our culture has a tendency to be overly child centered. Mothering my four year old twins, I see that my rose-colored glasses about what it is like to raise children were idealized, fantastical notions of nurture over nature. I believed if you treat a child like Buddha, Buddha they will be. Reading this book only gave me a glimpse into how difficult it might be to negotiate one's position in a dynamic already haunted by past family habits; a family that did not manage to successfully work things out.
This book is an important addition to the literature of motherhood that has been so popular in recent years. As we allow ourselves to admit that motherhood consists of messes and calamities alongside the miracles and tears of joy, we must also admit that "blended" families are not formed overnight, if ever. Some children never forgive their parents for perceived injustices of childhood, and sometimes, it is not the parents' job to fix everything for their children.
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