Customer Reviews

Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do

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Wednesday Martin could have written a moving memoir about her own experiences as a stepmother. She could have pieced together an enlightening narrative from interviews with stepmothers. Or she could have done a scholarly, rigorously researched treatise on what history and sociobiology have to say about stepmothering. Instead she has done all three, succinctly and articulately, in fewer than 300 pages.

Stepmonster dares to speak uncomfortable truths: that even the nicest stepmothers and stepchildren frequently don't like each other; that it can take years for stepfamilies to settle into something resembling a satisfactory adjustment; that stepmothers and stepchildren virtually never form bonds as close as birth parents and children; and that all of these things are completely normal.

For any woman who is a stepmother or is considering becoming one, this book is like water in the desert.

In a word: "Wow!"

This is truly a first-of-its-kind book about stepmothering as it focuses exclusively on the needs, perceptions, emotions and experiences of the stepmother. Thank you, Wednesday Martin, for finally giving stepmothers validation and a voice. Well-written and impeccably sourced, it presents an unflinching look at stepmothering. I couldn't put it down and read it in one day!

I know from personal experience, both as a stepmother and stepdaughter, that stepparenting is one of the toughest and most thankless jobs in the world; compassion fatigue is a real risk. And, unfortunately, to date, most of the books disseminated by the blended family/stepparenting industry are child-centric, advising newly-blended families to put the needs of the children from the prior marriage first. Add to that all of the messages from popular culture, media, etc. that subtly and not-so-subtly vilify stepmothers (e.g., "Cinderella") and it should come as no surpise that second marriages with stepchildren fail at such an alarming rate. "Stepmonster" brings a fresh perspective to this particular sub-genre of self-help books; I sincerely hope it is but the first of many books to fairly explore the precarious role of the stepmother in modern family life.

My personal take-away message from this book was that, as stepparents and stepchildren, we are, to each other, non-essential personnel and must strive to form our bonds based upon civility and mutual respect (picking up after oneself doesn't hurt either!). We don't have to a have a perfect relationship or one that mimics the biological parent-child relationship. Rather, the stepparent-stepchild relationship can take many forms, ranging from a close, warm, family-like interaction to an arms-length but cordial experience, depending upon each individual. Most importantly, a stepmom owes it to herself to carefully evaluate what she can and cannot give her stepchildren in order to preserve her family and avoid burn-out.

Kudos to Wednesday Martin!

Wednesday Martin lists Step-Dilemma Number One as "The Myth of the Blended Family" in this emotionally charged look into the real experiences of stepmothers: Stepmonster. She writes, "The blended family myth depends on and derives its potency from another myth, a notion just as widely embraced, just as dearly cherished, and just as fantastical-namely, that all women should love all children all the time."

Interviews with stepmothers of all ages and experiences revealed to her how common some of the feelings and contradictions are for anyone who takes on this role. Pulled between a new marriage, the ex, and children who aren't mature enough to perceive the complexities of the situation everyone is in often make for a powder keg of negative feelings that are utterly taboo to express. Unlike new mothers, who can share their burdens by commiserating about how rough it is to lose sleep, stepmothers are faced with looks of horror if they dare admit any aspect of their new lives might be less than perfect-or a complete disaster on a daily basis.

Stepmonster came about after this Yale-educated woman with a doctorate in comparative literature married a man with two teenage daughters and, (surprise!) had a rough time adjusting and overcoming the desire to make everything... blend. She uses her own nine year experience as the kindling for an in-depth study into the half-truths and sociological myths underlying-and thereby negatively effecting-women who attempt to situate themselves into the stepmother role. Fairy tales, sociobiology, and a genuine understanding and empathy all make this an essential read for anyone about to enter into, or already steeped in, the maze of the stepmother role.

As an adult stepchild, I have recently become very close with my own stepmother after years of virtual estrangement. Reading this really opened my eyes to a lot of my own behavior as an adolescent that kept her at arm's length without my having even been aware of it. The nature of a divorce and remarriage is so intricate and emotionally complex, and involves so many aspects of the both new partner's self-image and the formulation of the pre-existing children's identities, that it is daunting to unravel.

Our culture has a tendency to be overly child centered. Mothering my four year old twins, I see that my rose-colored glasses about what it is like to raise children were idealized, fantastical notions of nurture over nature. I believed if you treat a child like Buddha, Buddha they will be. Reading this book only gave me a glimpse into how difficult it might be to negotiate one's position in a dynamic already haunted by past family habits; a family that did not manage to successfully work things out.

This book is an important addition to the literature of motherhood that has been so popular in recent years. As we allow ourselves to admit that motherhood consists of messes and calamities alongside the miracles and tears of joy, we must also admit that "blended" families are not formed overnight, if ever. Some children never forgive their parents for perceived injustices of childhood, and sometimes, it is not the parents' job to fix everything for their children.

Let me start off by saying that nothing has liberated me from my internal struggles with step-motherhood like this book has. It has allowed me to feel ok about how I feel. Before my marriage I had the foresight to know that I was going to need some good advice about step-mothering so I bought a book on it. (and many others since) Regrettably, it was not this book as it was not yet published. THIS is the book you need.

Since I know most people won't read this review in its entity, I must get this out right now...If you are contemplating marriage to a man with children then let me share a secret that no one shared with me...There isn't anything fun about a step family, and to elaborate, there is nothing fun about being a stepmom. I thought that step-motherhood was a mission I could undertake and I thought my gain was going to be far greater than my loss. I assure you... I was wrong!! No one warned me AT ALL of what I was facing and I am straight up pissed off about that. Being a step-mother makes for a difficult, lonely life and it doesn't ever feel like a real family. So I hate to sound bitter here, but the fact is, I am bitter. Save yourself the heartache. This is not what marriage (or family) was intended to be. Read this book and take heed! If you are not moved to seriously reevaluate your decision to marry this man, then you are a hopeless optimist. You will, throughout your marriage, be able to relate to damn near every sentence in this book.

Stepmonster-Even the title might scare you from reading it. Who would want to admit that they might be a Stepmonster? And you could certainly never let anyone see you reading this book. I bought this book instead of getting it from the library as I normally would to avoid the embarrassment and shame I would feel if the librarian might wonder if I were really a Stepmonster. I bought a book cover so I could read it in public places. And this book encompasses that reality in and of itself. I am of the fortunate step mothers who have 'good' step kids. And rarer yet: 'good, teenage, step-daughters'. Yet I still find myself feeling these step-monsterish feelings, which has lead me to feel horrible about myself and doubt the heart of what I know to be true...I am a good person.

My best friend is a step mom also,(Thank God)and I told her 2 things about this book before I was even 3 chapters into it.
1) Wednesday has been reading my journal. She has pegged my sentiments down to the quotation marks when I write about my 'family'.
2) Outside of our honest communication with each other, reading this book is the most therapeutic thing I have experienced since becoming a step-mom. It is important to have other stepmothers to talk to because no one except another Stepmom can truly understand and surely never show sympathy or compassion for an evil (or not so evil) Stepmom.

Stepmothers don't get permission to feel anything less than never-ending love and understanding toward their step-kids. Yet those very step-kids are almost expected to dislike and reject their stepmothers, and understood if they do. All the while our husbands and the rest of society expect the adult (us) to take the high road in the face of the steady pain that is inflicted upon us. Our step children are never expected to love us like they love their mothers (or even like us) but we stepmothers are not offered any clemency if we do not love our step children like we would (or do) love our own, and God forbid we don't even like them. Why?!?! If it weren't for the fact that I am the older of the 2 of us I would never be expected to accept such an injustice or demonstrate such pure sacrifice. Absurd! But there is no doubt that this is our reality.

Wednesday also touches on the fact that our husbands contribute to our pain as much and sometimes more than the kids themselves. Either by excusing or defending his child's actions, disregarding our feelings, not acknowledging our hurt, blaming us for not possessing the ability to bond or for not trying hard enough, regularly placing their children's needs before ours, or taking their side in a disagreement. This makes for a lonely, sad and unfulfilling marriage at the very least. But more likely adds to that, anger, regret, resentment, hopelessness & misery that you may have otherwise never had to experience if you had married a man who loved you first and foremost.

I still have genuine moments of admiration for his children. They really are good kids, with good hearts. The truth is that if they were not my step-kids I could be free to love them for the wonderful spirits they are. But their mere position in my life and mine in their's creates a barrier to that flow and serves as a daily reminder that I did not come first and there is nothing that can change that reality...Ever!

I felt validated at every turn of the page. By the end of the book I felt more human than monsterish, and that, my friend, hasn't been the case in over 5 years. Thank you, Wednesday, for that invaluable gift. Your book has allowed me to love me again!

If you are a stepmother, this book should occupy a permanent position on your nightstand!

Ladies, do yourself a favor and go pick up a copy of Stepmonster today. It's cheaper than therapy and it just might preserve your sanity and save your marriage. I've been carrying it around for weeks now, sneaking five minutes here and there to commit the more significant points to memory. The challenge is that there's just so many. A few of my favorites:

Nobody wants a stepmother and nobody wants to be a stepmother either. Just as our stepchildren do not choose us, we do not choose them.

We need to learn as soon as possible- to experience firsthand- that being disliked is an occupational hazard for stepmothers, not a referendum on our worth.

There is no single way to be a stepmother. Nor, it turns out, is there a "right" one.

AHA! I can't tell you how many times I've been slumped over this book in a public place where I suddenly sit straight up and exclaim, "I knew it!" I wasn't even finished with Chapter One before I felt compelled to track Ms. Martin down and thank her for validating so many of my mixed-up stepmommy feelings. And by explaining why we feel and act they way we do, the old, familiar feelings of guilt and inadequacy suddenly had less power over me. I went from I suck to I'm totally normal!

In one of the more provocative chapters, "She's such a Witch!" Martin studies a common trap the modern-day stepmom falls into. She describes an overly-accommodating woman who contorts herself in an effort to be likable. In hopes of gaining love and approval from her new stepkids, she puts her marriage second and shoves her own needs aside. Sound familiar?

To avoid the old, witchy "stepmonster" accusation, Martin explains, many of us tip-toe around our stepkids, "overcompensating out of fear." Martin shows us how destructive this can be on our marriage and similarly bad for the kids, "giving them an uncomfortable amount of power."

I thought, Oh No. We've traded in wicked for wimpy? Say it isn't so!

Thankfully, Martin provides us with a different approach, one that is realistic, attainable and allows us to reclaim our power and stop apologizing for our appropriate behavior. Props are due, Wednesday Martin. Pretty soon we'll be talkin' bout a Stepmother Revolution!

Izzy Rose, author of The Package Deal: My(not-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom

From the perspective of a remarried dad with children from a prior marriage, this book is the real thing. Wednesday Martin tells it like it is. The descriptions of the emotional dynamics are right on target and the insights are priceless. This is a must read for all divorced fathers who are dating, engaged or already remarried. Your life will with your partner or wife will be forever changed--for the better. I particularly loved the chapter "Him."

This is one of the best books I have ever read. I wish I had read it before I married my current husband and I wish I had set ground rules before I allowed him and his children to set foot in my home much less live in it. I live in my bedroom and I live as if I am constant eggshells now. And of course, I am the bad guy no matter what I do. Had I read this book before marrying 1. I might not have done so; or 2. I would have known how to diffuse these issues early on. It's way to late in the game now. I have no say so in my own home and to attempt to make my "adult presence" known creates such conflict it just isn't worth it. My daily struggle is to determine how long I want to live as I am -- physically and for insurance reasons I stay -- and feel like a loser for doing so. But I providing a home to children that would otherwise not have one because there biomom provides NOTHING for their care -- so I figure it is a "sort of" trade off. I have disengaged from everyone and everything in my home life and this book helps you understand why you do it and helps you to understand that you are not the devil for doing so. Self-preservation is natural. I highly recommend this book if you have no children and are considering marrying into a family with teens or about to be teens and an ex who has the potential to make your life a living hell. You will feel UNDERSTOOD finally. A must read.

As a stepmother to three young boys, I own around thirty books on step-parenting.

This is unquestionably the best of them, neither dourly negative nor unrealistically rah-rah positive, with all the pressure to be perfect and quell inner conflict that such an attitude from authors can place on stepmothers. It may well have saved my relationship.

Not precisely a how-to or self-help book, this book tells you not so much what to do as why we stepmothers struggle with our roles.

Stepmothering is completely different to being a stepfather; it is so important to seek out stepmother-specific resources.

Buy this book; you'll be so glad you did. Buy it now. Buy it before you need it.

Because you will.

(For a more hands-on, practical self-help style book on stepmothering, I recommend Ron L. Deal's "The Smart Stepmom". It is very strongly Christian in outlook (I'm agnostic), but the writers really understand stepmother challenges and have some great suggestions, so if you're not looking for faith-based resources it is still worth reading.)

I have been a stepmom for four years. Over these past four years, I have gone through so many different emotions and I thought I was the only one. I got angry at myself for not being able to handle the situation better. I thought I was a terrible person. I poured all of my emotions into my artwork and it all became about my struggles of being a "second wife" and "stepmom." Then one day, a colleague of mine saw my work and said, "You need to read 'Stepmonster'". I know it sounds like a cliche - but it changed my life. After reading it, I felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders. The best part was, I realized I was not alone in my thinking and my feelings were "normal." I am so grateful for this book. I hope every stepmom reads this book...it will do wonders for you!

At first, I was a bit skeptical about this book as I have read other books that said they "knew what stepmothers were feeling and thinking". But, I have to tell you, this book nails it right on the head. It goes through every bit of the range of feelings and emotions that you go through as a stepmother in a clear, concise fashion that is easy to read, easy to understand - and even brought me to tears a few times as I identified with so many issues in the book. I would highly recommend this book to any stepmother, stepchild, husband with children from another marriage - anyone that has or is a stepmother. It is a superb book and I am enjoying reading it with my husband. I have already learned so much about areas that I thought I had handled, and I cannot believe that this book is not more recommended than it is.