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39 of 42 people found the following review helpful:
2.0 out of 5 stars
Who's first?, September 1, 2002
By A Customer
This review is from: Stepwives: Ten Steps to Help Ex-Wives and Step-Mothers End the Struggle and Put the Kids First (Paperback)
Some of the insights in this book are good, but one size does not fit all, and some of the advice seems unrealistic ("When your stepwife is verbally and emotionally abusive...(use) 'I' statements: 'When I hear you scream at me, I don't feel comfortable continuing the discussion. I want to be able to listen and understand what you are feeling.'"). This advice seems simplistic and even misguided, ignoring the very real impact of such behavior on its target, who may be too depleted and traumatized to assume a therapeutic stance toward the initiator of verbal abuse. It sometimes seemed as though the authors were talking very much from their own experiences and perspectives (younger stepmother, father remarrying first, etc.). These were interesting, but not authoritative or entirely generalizable. It also sometimes seemed that the fundamental issue with which the authors were dealing was the mother's feelings of being threatened by the logical consequence of having left her husband--his remarriage and formation of a new family which includes his child. On that issue,I found it interesting that the authors implied that a mother's intensely possessive feelings, and inability to control the resultant difficult (controlling, rude, threatened) behaviors, were natural, an entitlement of motherhood. Examples the authors give are: the mother's worrying, from the birth of her child, that "another woman" would someday take him away (does he belong to her?); being unable to tolerate any demonstrations of affection between her son and his stepmother (the authors counsel stepmothers not to greet or part from their stepchildren affectionately in front of their mother); a mother's likely anger at seeing the stepmother attend school functions with the child's father, and believing that the stepmother should not take part in any school activities without the mother's permission (even when both the father and child want her to). It is difficult to see how these suggestions "put the kids first," as the authors repeatedly counsel, and whether they are realistic and fair to all. Finally, there was little attribution of parallel types of feelings and behaviors to fathers who must watch their children interact with stepfathers, and indeed the father/stepfather dyad seems a less troubled one than mother/stepmother--with BEING a stepmother credited as the most difficult "step" role. One wonders whether an underlying societal attitude that the mother is somehow the more dominant parent gives implicit permission to mothers to act out their feelings, and whether this truly serves the needs of children--particularly those who grow up, loved by all parents, in two separate families.
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15 of 15 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
Great ideas, but it DOES take two to tango..., August 23, 2006
This review is from: Stepwives: Ten Steps to Help Ex-Wives and Step-Mothers End the Struggle and Put the Kids First (Paperback)
I bought this book very shortly after it was published when I saw the authors on some morning talk show, and voraciously read every page in search of the magic solution to the problems between me and my husband's ex.
Some background: Like Louise, I became a stepmom at a tender young age with none of the proverbial "baggage" to speak of - no ex-husband, no kids. And thus, no parenting experience. To say I was unaware of the issues surrounding divorce, however, would be untrue: My parents divorced when I was 10, and I was one of the truly lucky kids whose parents both remarried wonderful people, each with one child of their own, who provided very stable, happy homes for me and all of my siblings (in fact, my two sets of parents are going on 23 and 16 years of marriage now!). My husband, on the other hand, is eight years older than me, and his daughter was just 2 when we met, a year after his divorce. His ex-wife is 2 years older than him, and despite her hastily initiating and persuing their divorce and remarrying just a year later, she has a long and troubling history of trying to insert herself in our business and control everything about their joint-custody situation. To make things more interesting, she behaves like she has multiple personality disorder in her dealings with us - and we never knew which one we were going to get! One minute she goes on ad nauseum about how lucky she and her daughter are that I'm her "other mom," and the next she's calling to complain (to my husband) that I wouldn't let their daughter go outside, in the dead of winter in 30 degree weather, wearing just her nightgown so she could ask her father the same question I'd just answered for her (which she wanted to do because my answer was "no"). Believe me - I was desperately searching for something that would help me in this situation!
So, I read the book, and felt like I had finally found some tools I could work with. Honestly, I felt so energized and optimistic in the aftermath of reading this book, that I immediately bought a second copy, which I inscribed with a very nice message to my "comama," telling her that I hoped we, too, could find the strength and grace to move past our issues with each other and raise the little girl we both cared about in the best way possible. I gave it to my comama after one of my stepdaughter's school functions, and she was all appreciative of this gesture and promised to read it and get in touch so we could talk about it, blah, blah, blah. Needless to say, I never heard a word from her about it after that, and absolutely nothing changed. Did she ever read the book? I can't say for sure. My best guess is that she DID read it but saw none of herself in Lynn, and so the whole message was lost on her!
So, while she has continued to be bizarre, meddling and controlling, we've set our boundaries and enforced them, and we try to minimize the damage she does as much as possible, both for ourselves and our little boy, and for my husband's now 10-year old daughter.
My point is as much as I had hoped that the tips in this book would be the answer to our problems, you really DO need both comamas to be on board to make the concepts work. Both women have to be mature and willing enough to put their differences aside if this is to work. I am living proof that one woman alone cannot change the actions of another, no matter how much she may wish it so.
To all the other stepmoms out there, I wish you the very best of luck! I know it's not easy and that the road can be very, very long (and full of some serious potholes) at times, but you've got to have faith that it's all worthwhile in the end. Good luck!
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7 of 7 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Honest and funny, June 5, 2002
This review is from: Stepwives: Ten Steps to Help Ex-Wives and Step-Mothers End the Struggle and Put the Kids First (Paperback)
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "what does a guy know about being a wife or an ex-wife?". And that's a valid question. Before I read this book I can honestly say that I didn't know much. Now, well, now I'd say I have a little more insight, and what's most surprising is that the insight was painless to achieve. The book is written in a simple style that is as touching as it is accessible. These women take situations that are rife with conflict, from the wedding day that seals their fates to a simple matter of two women wearing the same shoes. Each delivers her side of the story so directly that you can't help but feel that in every situation they are both absolutely right. This is the center of drama, the baseline of comedy, and simply often a fact of life. And this truth is the heart of the book, and only possible because both of these authors believe that in any situation they both can be right. One person being right does not make the other person automatically wrong. This knowledge has infused these women with the power to work together to bring their story to the rest of us, but they don't leave it at that. The book offers exercises, quizzes, and a practical approach to making the "step-wife" relationship less volatile. I enjoyed reading this book, and I would recommend it not only to those who find themselves in a step-wife relationship, but also to those who wish to understand one of them. Because, guys, if you're like me, you can go from zero to fifty with one book and understanding what's going on around you will help you make life easier on yourself. And ladies, even if only one step-wife does these exercises, Oxhorn and Oxhorn-Ringwood promise that results will come, maybe not as quickly as if both step-wives participated, but they will come. After what I've read of these women, I, for one, believe them.
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