Customer Reviews

Stepwives: Ten Steps to Help Ex-Wives and Step-Mothers End the Struggle and Put the Kids First

5 star:		(8)
4 star:		(5)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

Some of the insights in this book are good, but one size does not fit all, and some of the advice seems unrealistic ("When your stepwife is verbally and emotionally abusive...(use) 'I' statements: 'When I hear you scream at me, I don't feel comfortable continuing the discussion. I want to be able to listen and understand what you are feeling.'"). This advice seems simplistic and even misguided, ignoring the very real impact of such behavior on its target, who may be too depleted and traumatized to assume a therapeutic stance toward the initiator of verbal abuse.

It sometimes seemed as though the authors were talking very much from their own experiences and perspectives (younger stepmother, father remarrying first, etc.). These were interesting, but not authoritative or entirely generalizable. It also sometimes seemed that the fundamental issue with which the authors were dealing was the mother's feelings of being threatened by the logical consequence of having left her husband--his remarriage and formation of a new family which includes his child.

On that issue,I found it interesting that the authors implied that a mother's intensely possessive feelings, and inability to control the resultant difficult (controlling, rude, threatened) behaviors, were natural, an entitlement of motherhood. Examples the authors give are: the mother's worrying, from the birth of her child, that "another woman" would someday take him away (does he belong to her?); being unable to tolerate any demonstrations of affection between her son and his stepmother (the authors counsel stepmothers not to greet or part from their stepchildren affectionately in front of their mother); a mother's likely anger at seeing the stepmother attend school functions with the child's father, and believing that the stepmother should not take part in any school activities without the mother's permission (even when both the father and child want her to). It is difficult to see how these suggestions "put the kids first," as the authors repeatedly counsel, and whether they are realistic and fair to all.

Finally, there was little attribution of parallel types of feelings and behaviors to fathers who must watch their children interact with stepfathers, and indeed the father/stepfather dyad seems a less troubled one than mother/stepmother--with BEING a stepmother credited as the most difficult "step" role. One wonders whether an underlying societal attitude that the mother is somehow the more dominant parent gives implicit permission to mothers to act out their feelings, and whether this truly serves the needs of children--particularly those who grow up, loved by all parents, in two separate families.

I bought this book very shortly after it was published when I saw the authors on some morning talk show, and voraciously read every page in search of the magic solution to the problems between me and my husband's ex.

Some background: Like Louise, I became a stepmom at a tender young age with none of the proverbial "baggage" to speak of - no ex-husband, no kids. And thus, no parenting experience. To say I was unaware of the issues surrounding divorce, however, would be untrue: My parents divorced when I was 10, and I was one of the truly lucky kids whose parents both remarried wonderful people, each with one child of their own, who provided very stable, happy homes for me and all of my siblings (in fact, my two sets of parents are going on 23 and 16 years of marriage now!). My husband, on the other hand, is eight years older than me, and his daughter was just 2 when we met, a year after his divorce. His ex-wife is 2 years older than him, and despite her hastily initiating and persuing their divorce and remarrying just a year later, she has a long and troubling history of trying to insert herself in our business and control everything about their joint-custody situation. To make things more interesting, she behaves like she has multiple personality disorder in her dealings with us - and we never knew which one we were going to get! One minute she goes on ad nauseum about how lucky she and her daughter are that I'm her "other mom," and the next she's calling to complain (to my husband) that I wouldn't let their daughter go outside, in the dead of winter in 30 degree weather, wearing just her nightgown so she could ask her father the same question I'd just answered for her (which she wanted to do because my answer was "no"). Believe me - I was desperately searching for something that would help me in this situation!

So, I read the book, and felt like I had finally found some tools I could work with. Honestly, I felt so energized and optimistic in the aftermath of reading this book, that I immediately bought a second copy, which I inscribed with a very nice message to my "comama," telling her that I hoped we, too, could find the strength and grace to move past our issues with each other and raise the little girl we both cared about in the best way possible. I gave it to my comama after one of my stepdaughter's school functions, and she was all appreciative of this gesture and promised to read it and get in touch so we could talk about it, blah, blah, blah. Needless to say, I never heard a word from her about it after that, and absolutely nothing changed. Did she ever read the book? I can't say for sure. My best guess is that she DID read it but saw none of herself in Lynn, and so the whole message was lost on her!

So, while she has continued to be bizarre, meddling and controlling, we've set our boundaries and enforced them, and we try to minimize the damage she does as much as possible, both for ourselves and our little boy, and for my husband's now 10-year old daughter.

My point is as much as I had hoped that the tips in this book would be the answer to our problems, you really DO need both comamas to be on board to make the concepts work. Both women have to be mature and willing enough to put their differences aside if this is to work. I am living proof that one woman alone cannot change the actions of another, no matter how much she may wish it so.

To all the other stepmoms out there, I wish you the very best of luck! I know it's not easy and that the road can be very, very long (and full of some serious potholes) at times, but you've got to have faith that it's all worthwhile in the end. Good luck!

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "what does a guy know about being a wife or an ex-wife?". And that's a valid question. Before I read this book I can honestly say that I didn't know much. Now, well, now I'd say I have a little more insight, and what's most surprising is that the insight was painless to achieve. The book is written in a simple style that is as touching as it is accessible. These women take situations that are rife with conflict, from the wedding day that seals their fates to a simple matter of two women wearing the same shoes. Each delivers her side of the story so directly that you can't help but feel that in every situation they are both absolutely right. This is the center of drama, the baseline of comedy, and simply often a fact of life. And this truth is the heart of the book, and only possible because both of these authors believe that in any situation they both can be right. One person being right does not make the other person automatically wrong. This knowledge has infused these women with the power to work together to bring their story to the rest of us, but they don't leave it at that. The book offers exercises, quizzes, and a practical approach to making the "step-wife" relationship less volatile. I enjoyed reading this book, and I would recommend it not only to those who find themselves in a step-wife relationship, but also to those who wish to understand one of them. Because, guys, if you're like me, you can go from zero to fifty with one book and understanding what's going on around you will help you make life easier on yourself. And ladies, even if only one step-wife does these exercises, Oxhorn and Oxhorn-Ringwood promise that results will come, maybe not as quickly as if both step-wives participated, but they will come. After what I've read of these women, I, for one, believe them.

I won this book in a radio contest and read it in two days, as it was pretty light reading and very scanable. The central theme is that "Stepwives," the term they coined to describe the relationship between women who have been married to the same guy (not at the same time), can get along better if they don't resort to petty, self-involved territorial wars.

The authors, two stepwives and a therapist, are good at laying out areas that are common pitfalls for the worst part of one's character when dealing with a husband's ex- or new wife. They spell out well why SHE might not be receptive to you, and the book, I think would help build empathy between women who have consistent and regular contact that is necessitated by caring for the same child.

But, while the jacket says that both of you don't have to take part in the program to improve the situation, the improvements would be pretty limited on one's own. Yes, you can make your child more comfortable in your home by not bashing the other woman, being cooperative, setting limits, etc., but really, if the other woman won't participate or be open to your needs and issues, it seems doomed.

This book also focuses on stepwives with children at home and wouldn't be helpful to women who deal with adult children.

I did think some of the writing was simplistic. For example, the authors give you "feeling words" so you can accurately describe your feelings to yourself or identify issues. Also, I found the authors' PRESCRPTON for successful "comamas" to be a little gimmicky. (It's a "prescription" without the "I" because selfishness has no place in this method.)

There is, of course, always something to be said for anything that encourages people to rise above their petty and jealous feelings for the sake of others. That's where this book makes the most impact.

I can't even tell you how much my life has been a huge, huge struggle since my marriage to a man with an ex-wife and children. This book has become my refuge, my support. I take comfort in the fact that I'm going through the same thing others have gone through. Not only am I not alone, I am working the program and I can honestly say it works. And you can work it alone. In changing my behavior I have changed the way my stepwife respondes to me, my husband and me co-parenting her children.

This book is exactly what the modern world of mixed marriages needs! Kids from divorced families often have problems in school, life, relationships, etc., and although "put the kids first" sounds common sensical, it's really not, because I know from experience we get so wrapped up in our own issues that the kids' needs are accidentally neglected. I've already noticed a difference in my stepchildrens attitudes and I think this will really help them with their futures. Conflicts will arise, especially in my situation, but illustrating for children how to manage and be civil and get along with those who have been basic enemies for years will teach them more valuable a lesson than parents who stay together fighting.

I am so thankful for this book. If you're a stepwive or someone you know is, you will benefit from this book!

What a wonderfully insightful book! I had to laugh out loud several times at the stories and emotions I could relate to that I now know were irrational and unacceptable, though not necessarily abnormal! Sure wish I'd had this valuable resource a decade ago when it might have inspired a positive change that would have benefited my family sooner rather than later.

I found this book to be an incredible tool in helping me to understand myself and my actions within the biomom role as well as encouraging compassion for those in the role of stepmom. I think both roles are wrought with difficulty, confusion and the tendency to overstep each other's boundaries, but by using the recipe suggested in the book personal growth is inevitable...success and an end to the war between biomom and stepmom is possible.

This book was fun and easy to read. The examples given were easy to relate to. I read it cover-to-cover in just a few days, and read about half aloud to my husband while doing it. I found immediate help in these pages. While there's been no change in my "step-wife's" behavior, there has been a real change in my attitude and my behavior and in how I deal with her. I actually bought a copy and gave it to her, though I've never heard a word from her about the gift. It has helped me understand my husband's position, as well. Whether my step-wife reads it or not, I've gotten priceless peace from this book. The kids, the real point of the book, will be the ones to benefit the most.

I've been a stepmother now for over 12 years and have never been able to get along with my husband's ex-wife despite many, many attempts to make peace. I would not even call the relationship civil, it's more like nonexistent. No, this book has not made the relationship better, but it has given me a different and interesting perspective. I did send it to my "step-wife" only to have it returned with the typical nasty message on the inside front cover. I knew there was a chance that would happen, so I wasn't suprised. Regardless, this new insight will help me cope better with the day to day issues that come up because at least I am able to understand her point-of-view, and understanding, even if it's only on my end, will inevitably make things better for my stepchildren. In the end, that's all that matters.

The honesty of the book STEPWIVES really impressed me. As an exwife and stepmother, I related to almost every page.

The miraculous thing about the book is that it was written by the exwife and the second wife of the same poor guy! Their names are Lynne and Louise, and they hated each other for 10 years. They wrote the book after they figured out how to get along. When I heard them on the radio in Toledo this morning, I just had to do this review.

STEPWIVES has lots of funny, sad and touching stories that capture the feelings of stepwives and the people in their lives. I loved the advice they gave and tried some of it on my stepwife (my exhusband's wife)and it worked! We have never gotten along and of course, I always blamed her. After reading the book, I began to see how maybe some of the problems were my fault to. I sent her an email, like they suggested, and asked her to meet me in a nuetral spot. She chose a coffee shop. I apologized for not letting her ever pick up my sons from school. I told her that it hurt me to have her do "my job" for my kids and that I now understood that it must feel like I was just trying to control her life. I think she was speechless when she heard my words.

That was a month ago. Now, whenever she answers the phone when I call the house to discuss the children with my husband, she says hi to me. Its only a start, but it feels so much better. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has a stepwife.

I agree 100% with reviewer Amy G....if you have a co-mother who does not communicate, does not like children, or has major issues of her own apart from the children, this book will not have much to offer. However, if the two women in question are both mature adults, have good self-esteem, and have a genuine concern for the children's best interests, there is a lot of information in this book which can facilitate healthy coparenting experiences.

Areas covered include setting and respecting boundaries, discipline, communication, competition, respect vs. rudeness, putting the kids first, realistic expectations for a relationship which includes children, mental health problems, and the fact that ex-spouses are entitled to have a relationship: "They have children together, and as responsible parents they need to talk and communicate effectively about those children."