Customer Reviews

Still a Dad

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If you want to get into your husbands heart and headregardinghis feelings and thoughts as a Divorced Dad, this is THE bookto get. (I personally got a lot out of this book)

As second wivesand many times custodial mothers we have encountered difficulty relating to our husbands anger and frustration as a divorced dad. As a second wife to a divorced non-custodial father, I believe this book is invaluable to not only divorced dads, but to second wives trying to understand.

Members of the Children's Rights Council already know Serge Prengel as an author: in 1996/1997 his series "Twelve Steps for Divorced Fathers" was published in this newsletter -before it came out in book form as Twelve Steps for the Divorced Dad a few months ago (New York: Mission Creative Energy, 186 pp., paper, $13.95). Now Prengel, who last December retired as president of CRC's NYC chapter after serving for more than five years, has published a new book, which hit the bookstores in February: Still a Dad: The Divorced Father's Journey (New York: Mission Creative Energy, xvi + 224 pp., paper, $13.95; ISBN: 1-892482-00-2). Contrary to many other books about divorce, Still a Dad is not a work borne of anger, resentment, and quick judgments arrived at after very painful lessons. Rather, it focuses on the healing process that must take place if the disenfranchised divorcé wants to be what he is called upon to be: a good dad. Serge knows the anger battered fathers experience when their ex-wives and judges treat them as mere sperm and money banks, the agony of losing daily contact with one's children, and the bitterness at being demeaned and exploited. But he also manages to see the horrible situation in our hostile matrimonial courts from the ex-wife's point of view. Serge makes us feel her fear, her conflicts, and her sense of the danger of being deprived of a sense of identity and power. And so Still a Dad has a powerful conciliatory effect: it teaches us to accept what has to be accepted if we want to be the best fathers we can be to our children, no matter how adverse circumstances are or even how impossible they seem to make true parenthood. At the same time it enables us to listen to our adversaries-which is the first step to the dialog that is necessary for our children's well-being, as well as our own. For this reason I hope that Still a Dad will find as many women among its readers as it finds men. Without the truce, or ideally even peace, this book propagates, our internal conflicts will not be resolved until they have transferred to our children and damaged them for life.

Review by Thomas Thornton in New York City Children's Rights Council, Newsletter Vol. VII No. 3 (March 1999)

I enjoyed reading "Still a Dad," as I'm currently going through a divorce. Although I related with almost all of the feelings and tribulations outlined in the book, I was disappointed in the perspective of surrendering described in the last few chapters.

The book communicates in no uncertain terms that divorce isn't fair, but it seems to suggest that fathers should realize that they can't change the system because of all of the biases. Therefore, the book suggests, fathers should be happy with what they've got, instead of fretting over what they don't have -- significant time with their children.

For any father who is going through a divorce and is missing his children, this advice isn't sufficient and certainly doesn't wipe away the tears. The author seems to suggest that fathers should be satisfied with mailing cookies or spending every other weekend with their children, because that's all they're going to get -- if that's what the mother wants.

Any father who thinks he is the better parent, should use the court system, no matter how biased it is, to become the primary custodian. This book did not expend a single word telling fathers -- caring fathers -- how to do this.

I honestly felt like I was reading some propaganda devised by women to keep us as sniveling wimps that shouldn't fight for their rights. This book is full of "I FEEL YOUR PAIN" and "I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH", and then tells us to accept the consequences and move on. Sorry, but I'm not buying it! The most ridiculous chapter talks about men starting a discussion group and suggests that we use "this book" as a reference. I'm not saying that therapy wouldn't be helpful ( I think it is). It just seems that the theme of this book is telling us to huddle together and cry together about a situation that can't be changed. They're wrong! Want some advise from a Father going through a divorce entering it's forth year? FIGHT! NEVER GIVE UP! AND OF COURSE, LOVE YOUR CHILDREN. Yes, I'm taking tremendous abuse from my estranged wife, but I keep a level head and each time we go to court, I'm awarded more and more time with my son. Reading this book will only make you angrier about the unfair situation we men are in. This book offers nothing. Instead, use your time researching and preparing, so that you will always be involved in your children's lives.

I ordered "Still a Dad" while going through a divorce, thinking that it would help me learn ways of becoming a better father. This book essentially advises all fathers to just give in to the biases of society and the court system -- biases which essentially turn fathers into visitors. Rather than fighting for shared custody, which is in the best interests of children, this book suggests that fathers should acquiesce to the discriminatory attitudes that keep fathers away from their children.

For fathers who truly love their children, I would recommend "The Father's Emergency Guide to Divorce," which provides practical advice, as opposed to the advice provided in "Still a Dad," a book that from all indications was written by a feminist who wants to perpetuate the discriminatory attitudes of society and courts.

For fathers who are satisfied with the "status quo" of having custody of their children every other weekend, this book is an affirmation of their decision to become part-time parents. But to the father who wants to continue being an active, involved part of his children's lives, this book is good bathroom material -- if you don't have toilet paper.

STILL A DAD: THE DIVORCED FATHER'S JOURNEY by Serge Prengel (Mission Creative Energy, NY, 1999). "Even when there is no physical violence, the adversarial system fosters a climate of all-out war in which the end justifies the means." In the opinion of this men's advocacy group, if you don't get anything else, take this statement home with you. It is something that almost everyone familiar with divorce in America has come to know, but now it's official. You've read it from an expert and an advocate for change. But, Prengel's book is not an angry one. It makes good reading for both men and women. It focuses on one man's journey through the divorce process and into maturity as a father and human being. It is a, "must read", for those interested in the human experience.

A description of how bad it can be for a father,
depressing. Not helpful. I can see why so many women
endorse this book - I'm sure they would like their
children's fathers to give up with out a fight.

I would recommend: "Live-Away Dads: Staying a Part
of Your Children's Lives When They Aren't a Part of
Your Home" by William Klatte if you are looking for
advice on how to make the best of a bad situation.

Hang in there dad, don't walk away.

Still A Dad is an enlightened examination of a painful and misunderstood topic. In this book the reader takes the emotional journey through a divorce, examining the experience from various perspectives. The author eloquently touches on the basic challenges of loss and survival that we all face at one time or another, making this book more universal than the title would lead you to believe. Many books dealing with divorce (geared toward either gender), often incite rather than empower and heal. I recommend this book for anyone searching for a sense of peace, understanding, and closure.

I was amazed at how many analogies in this book fit exactly what I am going through. This book is a very realistic portrayal of what happens through the divorce process. Reviewers stating that those who like this book are the reasons why their court battles are ongoing are not correct. Neither are the reviewers who state that this book means fathers should just give up.
Going from being an everyday parent to a part-time, visitation parent is one of the most difficult things ever. And when the child lives with your ex-spouse, you have little control and you do have to put up with her various whims. It has nothing to do with whether you fight or not.
This book outlines how the man's desire for co-existence and co-parenting (i.e., peace) is seen as controlling whereas the woman's need for dominance over the situation and control over the man is not. I want peace but ultimately peace takes two people. Until both spouses are willing to work together towards peaceful co-existence, peace is hard to come by. My own court battle rages on, 2 years after its onset, despite my willingness to do anything my ex-spouse wants except give up parent-time with my daughter.
Buy this book. It is a realistic accounting of how the system works and how it is geared against fathers. That's it, nothing more. Keep in mind that it does paint a somewhat negative portrait of what you have to look forward to. To that extent, it is unrealistic. Despite the fact that you no longer live every day in the same house as your child (which is a sad thing), you can still keep your bond with your child, you can still enjoy being a parent, and it isn't all dark and gloomy. Keep that in mind when you read this book.

The book leans heavily towards a father's view of divorce instead of a person's view of divorce. Feelings and emotions about divorce appear to be the same no matter what gender you are. This is not a book for women. I wouldn't recommend it for noncustodial mothers because I'm sure they would take offense to it. Little information is given to help the noncustodial parent adjust. It's mainly a book advising what can be expected, but I found the information to be rather outdated as more laws now lean towards joint custody which divides the child right down the middle.