Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder [Paperback]

Gina Pera (Author), Russell Barkley (Foreword)

Book Description

Publication Date: August 31, 2008

Winner of four national book awards, including Foreword Magazine's Psychology Book of the Year!
The science has been clear since 1994, when Adult AD/HD was declared a medical diagnosis. Still, the public harbors misconceptions, and that means millions suffer needlessly. And that includes millions of couples who can't understand why their lives together are so hard -- sometimes despite many attempts at couples therapy.

Everyone knows someone with adult AD/HD. Yet we misattribute the symptoms to anxiety, depression, or even laziness, selfishness, or moodiness. Moreover, we assume AD/HD means "little boys with ants in their pants." In fact, childhood hyperactivity goes "underground" as the person matures, resulting in a mentally restless state. (By the way, the former, and still better-known, official term is ADD, plus or minus Hyperactivity. The new term, AD/HD, uses a slash mark to indicate that hyperactivity is not central to the diagnosis.)

Meticulously researched by award-winning journalist Gina Pera, Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? is a comprehensive guide to recognizing the behaviors where you least expect them (on the road and in the bedroom, for example) and developing compassion for couples wrestling with unrecognized ADHD symptoms. It also offers the latest information from top experts, plenty of real-life details, and easy-to-understand guidelines for finding the best treatment options and practical solutions. The revolutionary message is one of hope for millions of people--and a joyous opportunity for a better life.

Insightful, helpful, witty, and very practical. This book can change your life.
--Daniel G. Amen, M.D., author of Change Your Brain, Change Your Life

... contains information that is just not available anywhere else. This book is sure to become the authoritative guide for couples dealing with ADD.
--Patricia O. Quinn, M.D., Director, The National Center for Girls and Women with ADHD

...We expect this book will be the bible for all of us dealing with adult ADD.
-- Elizabeth Weathers and Diane Hartson, moderators, ADD Spouse support group

... I can safely predict it will become as much an 'industry standard' as Driven to Distraction.
--David Edelberg, M.D., Medical Director, WholeHealth Chicago

... The book is well researched, reader friendly, and includes insights and perspectives from a Who's Who of professionals. For couples struggling with ADHD, it's the season's new must-have book and bound to become a classic.
--Michele Novotni, Ph.D. Psychologist, Coach

Confirmatory brain neuroscience answers this speculation about Adult ADHD: It s a real problem with real and painful challenges, not a belief system.
-- Charles Parker, DO, Medical Director, CorePsych, author of Deep Recovery

... Gina Pera has combined a real feel for the disorder with sound reporting skills and the spice of those who tell the story best: the couples themselves.
-- Margaret D. Weiss, M.D., Ph.D., Head, Provincial ADHD Program, British Columbia, Canada

... Gina Pera has been there and has authored a guide that offers understanding for the confused, practical strategies for the frustrated, and hope for the despondent. This book will be a lifesaver for both partners.
-- Ari Tuckman, Psy.D., M.B.A., author of Integrative Treatment for Adult ADHD

Editorial Reviews

Review

USA Weekend contributor and AD/HD researcher presents information on how to help and cope; chapters include "Psychological Denial," "Treatment Results that Last," and "Driving While Distracted," which includes Denise's story of when her husband slammed into a moose at fifty mph because he was "playing with the radio, fussing with the cell phone, adjusting the heat." --Alex Moore, Book Review Editor, Foreword Magazine, August 6, 2008

Gina Pera has written a stunning book that should be a must-read for all couples where one or both partners have Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. Combining her own experiences, a thoughtful synthesis of the clinical and research literature, and a creative study of her own design, she has grasped the complex ways in which ADHD affects relationships and has translated her comprehensive expertise into a highly readable and extraordinarily helpful guide. Her prose is extremely effective, at times funny and at other times poignant, and her ability to capture the subtle dynamics of partnerships affected by ADHD is nothing short of extraordinary. What is particularly stunning about her achievement is the way Ms. Pera has captured the intricacy of ADHD, including its far-reaching effects on executive function and emotional regulation. Equally impressive is her talent for framing the issues in comprehensible language, with answers to frequently asked questions, quotes from partners with and without ADHD, and snippets of dialogue that are completely genuine. Best of all, this book offers hope and guidance to the millions of adults whose lives have been challenged by ADHD, by providing clear and useful ideas and a richly elaborated framework for addressing the myriad stresses that ADHD imposes upon intimacy and friendship. Kudos and thanks to Ms. Pera! I will make this book required reading for all my patients. It is nothing short of a tour de force!--Anthony L. Rostain, M.D., M.A., Medical Director, University of Pennsylvania Adult ADHD Treatment and Research Program; Professor of Psychiatry and Pediatrics, University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine

Most books on marriage offer insights and help to common marital problems such as the traditional conflicts around sex, money, children, time, and in-laws. They offer credible solutions such as conflict management, improved communication, and problem solving skills. This book is different. For some couples these problems are exacerbated by the often unnoticed presence of a particular neural wiring in the brain, called Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, that makes traditional solutions ineffective. This book describes ADHD in detail and with empathy and helps couples with this added challenge find hope and solutions. I recommend it highly to all couples whose troubles seem incomprehensible, and for all couples therapists it should be required reading to help them distinguish between ordinary conflict and the roller coaster of this syndrome.-- --Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples and codeveloper of Imago Relationship Therapy

Gina Pera has written a stunning book that should be a must-read for all couples where one or both partners have Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. Combining her own experiences, a thoughtful synthesis of the clinical and research literature, and a creative study of her own design, she has grasped the complex ways in which ADHD affects relationships and has translated her comprehensive expertise into a highly readable and extraordinarily helpful guide.
Her prose is extremely effective, at times funny and at other times poignant, and her ability to capture the subtle dynamics of partnerships affected by ADHD is nothing short of extraordinary.
What is particularly stunning about her achievement is the way Ms. Pera has captured the intricacy of ADHD, including its far-reaching effects on executive function and emotional regulation. Equally impressive is her talent for framing the issues in comprehensible language, with answers to frequently asked questions, quotes from partners with and without ADHD, and snippets of dialogues that are completely genuine. Best of all, this book offers hope and guidance to the millions of adults whose lives have been challenged by ADHD, by providing clear and useful ideas and a richly elaborated framework for addressing the myriad stresses that ADHD imposes upon intimacy and friendship.

Kudos and thanks to Ms. Pera! I will make this book required reading for all my patients. It is nothing short of a tour de force! --Anthony L. Rostain, M.D., M.A., Medical Director, University of Pennsylvania Adult ADHD Treatment and Research Program; Professor of Psychiatry and Pediatrics, University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine

Most books on marriage offer insights and help to common marital problems such as the traditional conflicts around sex, money, children, time, and in-laws. They offer credible solutions such as conflict management, improved communication, and problem solving skills.
This book is different. For some couples these problems are exacerbated by the often unnoticed presence of a particular neural wiring in the brain, called Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, that makes traditional solutions ineffective. This book describes ADHD in detail and with empathy and helps couples with this added challenge find hope and solutions.
I recommend it highly to all couples whose troubles seem incomprehensible, and for all couples therapists it should be required reading to help them distinguish between ordinary conflict and the roller coaster of this syndrome. --Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples and codeveloper of Imago Relationship Therapy

About the Author

Gina Pera, a San Francisco-based freelance journalist, is nationally known as a powerful advocate for AD/HD awareness and effective treatment standards. Her work producing special issues for USA Weekend won the prestigious Best Magazine Edition award from The Association for Women in Communications and a Unity Award in Media, recognizing accurate exposure of issues affecting minorities and disabled persons. GinaPera.com She writes two blogs about ADHD: ADHDPartner.org and ADHDRollerCoaster.org

Product Details

• Paperback: 369 pages
• Publisher: 1201 Alarm Press; 1st edition (August 31, 2008)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0981548709
• ISBN-13: 978-0981548708
• Product Dimensions: 8.9 x 6 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.3 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (118 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #8,162 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #5 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Disorders & Diseases > Attention Deficit Disorder
  • #79 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Relationships > Marriage

More About the Author

Gina Pera is an award-winning print journalist based in the San Francisco Bay area.

Her bestselling book, "Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder," is the recipient of four book awards, including two Benjamin Franklin Awards (sponsored by the Independent Book Publishers Association):

--Best Psychology Book (Silver)
--Bill Fisher Award for Best First book (non-fiction; silver)

and two ForeWord Magazine Book of the Year Awards:
--Best Psychology Book (Gold)
--Best Family and Relationships Book (Silver)

For the past ten years, Ms. Pera has researched and written about Adult ADHD while also advocating for better awareness and treatment standards. A popular speaker, she provides education and support for the ADHD community, leading workshops nationally, facilitating discussion groups in Silicon Valley and a 600- member Internet-based group for the partners of adults with ADHD around the world.

Ms Pera also writes three blogs on Adult ADHD:

1. ADHD Partner Blog details the results of the largest survey on Adult ADHD, especially how it affects relationships.
2. ADHD Roller Coaster Blog includes book excerpts, personal essays by Ms. Pera as well as guest authors, and Adult ADHD-related news and research.
3. YouMeADD covers Adult ADHD and relationship issues.

Previously, Ms. Pera's work for USA Weekend magazine won the prestigious Best Magazine Edition award from The Association for Women in Communications as well as a Unity Award in Media from Lincoln University of Missouri, recognizing accurate exposure of issues affecting minorities and disabled persons.

A native of Memphis, she enjoys gardening, exploring Bay Area hiking trails with her husband, keeping up with her farflung family members, and connecting with her favorite online communities.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

50 of 56 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Probably the best ADHD book I've read, January 10, 2009

By 

Widely Read - See all my reviews

This review is from: Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder (Paperback)

The title of my review probably sounds like hype but it's not. I've read 20+ ADHD books (Hallowell, Ratey, Amen et al) and "Is it you me or adult ADD" is the most practical and "real world" of them all.

It's the best balance of real-world anecdotes, situations, issues that ADHD'ers (and those who know ADHD'ers) face, science, and practical solutions, as well as many insights into ADHD that I've seen no where else.

Even though I have ADHD, have read so many books about it, and even regularly attend an ADHD support group, I had at least a half dozen "ah-ha" moments within the first few chapters. I learned about things that I had no idea were related to ADHD. It was really an eye-opener and has helped me live that much better now that I understand why and how it's related to my ADHD.

To me the book is also very practical and real world. It tells it like it is with no sugar coating--both the good and the bad. There's a trend in some ADHD circles to try to paint ADHD as a "gift". Take it from me, having ADHD sucks, it's not a gift. Of course we want to be rid of the stigmas and discrimination (both by people and by the insurance industry) but trying to spin ADHD as a gift just goes too far into la-la-land in my opinion. This book doesn't do that. It talks about what ADHD is, how it effects those who have it, and those who have to deal with those who have it. As I said, very real world, practical, and helpful.

Denial is one major thing this book talks about that I don't recall reading about before. Yes, many of us with ADHD deny we have it, or even if we admit we have it, we think we're doing fine without treatment. These are both unfortunate situations which can have bad if not dire consequences. (Witness the higher accident rates, drug abuse and crime rates of those with *UNTREATED* ADHD.) Amazingly enough, when you treat ADHD these things largely go away and life improves for everyone involved. Getting through the denial may be a major stumbling block though, and this book addresses dealing with that.

I can't say enough good things about this book. If you have ADHD read this book. If you are in a relationship with someone with ADHD read this book. If you're related to someone with ADHD read this book. If you know someone with ADHD read this book and get them a copy.

If you know someone who's life seems like a complete mess, is constantly late, is always losing things, seems distracted or day-dreamy, often says inappropriate things, may be moody or angry a lot, can't seem to stick to something to completion, it's likely that this person has ADHD.

Get them this book or read it yourself and see if maybe you can help them face and deal with their ADHD. You may, in no exaggerated terms, save their life.

61 of 70 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars FINALLY, a book written for the non-ADHD partner, October 22, 2008

By 

Penetralia - See all my reviews

Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder (Paperback)

Thank you Gina Pera!

Finally, a book written for non-ADHD partners. The author spent 8 years researching ADHD, and this text is clearly a masterpiece of her great efforts. The book is filled with examples, tips, and resources like no other book offers to date.

Most books on the market are written for a person with ADHD, and not chiefly for partners thereof. Perhaps there should be more support groups available, such as, ADD/ADHD Anonymous. Dr. Schwartz offers good help online at mentalhelp.net; however, there are limits. In fact, this is where the author was found [on Dr.Schwartz's article/comment page].

The book was received today, and there was so much to read AND highlight. The text offers a great "peace of mind," helps one realize the truth, without blaming one's self, and helps to comprehend the complexity of ADHD symptoms. Readers are reminded not to blame the person, but rather to understand or manage the "symptom," as Dr.Amen suggests.

There are stories from lives of others that clarify multiple topics, which also projects what non-ADHD partners are facing because others, including friends or family, may rarely understand. The best part is the included "Tip Sheets" to help manage, cope, and/or not take the termed ADHD-bait.

If your partner has ADD/ADHD, whether it is diagnosed or not, this text is highly recommended. As one reviewer noted, "Sure to become the authoritative guide..." Also, as reflected by the diagnosis, some ADHD'ers exhibit strong symptoms of denial, including remorse or blame when others [or their partner] attempts to discuss the illness.

Warning: Anger, and other unnecessary conflicts may occur as a result of having this text or others present. Therefore, if you have been a heavy sufferer, it may be best to put a book cover on this, and keep it to yourself while reading and learning more. Remember that AWARENESS alone can change everything. This book gives you the insight and wisdom to see what you may not have realized, and helps sufferers not to *react* to symptoms, but to recognize them, while offering solutions.

Those with the diagnosis may also benefit from this book if they are able to read with an open mind. Often, it can be difficult for anyone to [look in the mirror and] understand how they are affecting those around them. Indeed, this book is an excellent first step for those whom may or may not be diagnosed. It will offer unique insights into that which may be unconsidered. Finally, the roller coaster can be stopped and parked forever.

In closing, we wish the very best to everyone, and send a very special thanks to the author.

91 of 107 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The "Our Bodies, Ourselves" for Adults w/ADD, October 23, 2008

By 

Natalie Knochenhauer "Founder, ADHDAware" (Philadelphia, PA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder (Paperback)

I recalled the shock of recognition and thrill of a first encounter with the unadulterated truth that I had when I read "Our Bodies, Ourselves" as a thirteen year old girl, as I read "Is it You, Me or Adult ADD? by Gina Pera.

As a 43 year old women with ADD who was married to a man with untreated ADD, the book rang so true and touched upon so many of our struggles that it was, at times, disorienting to read them detailed in the pages of a book written by an author who did not know my story. Often, I could only read a few pages before needing to take a break and let the enormity of the suffering and needless pain that ADHD causes in adult relationships to sink in.

For too many of us, the real tragedy comes from having seen expert couple therapists for years desperately trying to make our relationships work, while the good will, intimacy and benefit of the doubt was drained out of the marriage as each new round of therapy failed, all the while, never being offered the information provided in this book that could have put us on the path to understanding.

Gina Pera lays out the necessary truth about the impact of adult ADD on relationships and provides a framework to view the issues not as insurmountable, but rather as typical for our population and, in fact, manageable with the right treatment for ADD.

I urge all couples with children who have AD/HD to read this book. Because research tells us that this disorder is genetic, you and your partner may be affected by AD/HD without knowing it and your relationship may be needlessly imperiled. You may save your marriage by discovering how ADD plays itself out in relationships and learning how to address those issues in your own home.

This book provides clear descriptions of the classic dynamics that often underlie the interactions of adults with AD/HD and concrete strategies to preserve the respect and love that you have for your partner while working to make the relationship fulfilling for both of you.

I am in awe of Gina Pera's writing and her ability to harness what looks and sometimes felt like unrelated, distressing events into a cogent, comprehensive portrait that depicts in a devastatingly accurate fashion what life and love feels like being married to an adult with ADHD.

Thanks to this book, we, adults with ADD, can understand the emotional consequences of our behavior, accept responsibility for it and work to empathize with and advocate for our children, spouses and, most importantly, ourselves with a clear mind and full heart.