Customer Reviews

The Story of My Father

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Perhaps I am a bit jaded; my father-in-law is in the late stages of dementia, and over the years I have read many books written by relatives who watch over a loved one's decline into this disease.

What Sue Miller adds to this "genre" is the general excellence of her writing. (Miller is well-known as the author of novels such as "The Good Mother.") Thus, "The Story of My Father" rises above the sad story of her father's decline (a story whose outlines will be familiar to many of us) and gives us more, a touching portrait of the man her father was throughout his life.

I did not learn anything new about Alzheimer's from reading this book. But I think most of us read books like this not for the medical facts, but for the sense that we are not alone, that other people have been there, too. If that describes you well, you will find "The Story of My Father" a very sympathetic choice.

I pre-ordered this book after reading a review of its subject matter. Although I'm not sure it will reach a reading audience wider than those who know a family member or friend who has Alzheimer's, but it could educate others willing to read Miller's book.

My father is a retired Episcopal priest who is afflicted with Alzheimer's-like dementia and is currently in a nursing home Alzeheimer's unit after the death of my mother in 2001. Such nursing care was evidentally, sadly, unavailable to Miller's father. My mother was my father's primary caregiver as he descended further into dementia, with its cruel behaviors expressed erratically, resulting in confusion for the afflicted person as well as emotional and physical abuses to those who knew him before this hideous disease destroyed his brain and much of his memory. My mother also tried to do those monumental caregiving tasks with very minimal outside assistance. Not a good idea. It was her choice, despite my brother and myself trying to convince her otherwise. I know she saw it as an act of devotion to him, but with her own health problems ignored, she began to fail, both physically and mentally. Those who have dealt with Alzheimer's directly or indirectly, know that it is not uncommon for "devoted" caregivers to be the first to die almost literally from self-neglect.

Miller's memoir of her father reminded me at times of my own relationships with my parents growing up, so I could relate to much of what she has written here. Like Miller, my academic background was in English and writing, including receiving a graduate degree in English. Unlike Miller, I became a licensed clinical social worker in recent years as a result of returning to graduate school for a second time to pursue a professional degree in that field. Unlike Miller, as my father has descended into Alzheimer's dementia, I could at times "enter the world" of my father to understand some of the delusions, which my mother fought against--his delusions often (understandably) frustrated her. Like Miller tells about her own father, the father I knew is "gone" now. Though his physical being is still in this world.

Miller may agree with one wish my mother and I discussed several years ago. If we could have one thing back about my father/her husband--it would be his marvelous intelligence. I also miss his humor. Miller's humor as revealed in "Thirty Dirty Purple Birds" made me smile through the journey she told in her book.

Besides possibly appealing only to a limited audience, I was somewhat mystified why Miller would not reveal her father's religious denomination. Had I not recognized the seminary her father attended when she mentioned it and its Presbyterian affiliation, that information would have remained a mystery to me, another "clergy brat." Not that such information is that crucial, but I wondered why she left it out. All I could think was she approached it as she did to make her story a more universal view of having a parent afflicted with Alzheimer's, and by putting more religious-related parameters on her father's story than she did, might lose potential readers. Alzheimer's as a subject matter will lose some readers, anyway (unfortunately.) This disease will continue to affect others if a cure is not found, and as life expectancy continues to lengthen. This disease is a "curse" I would not wish on anyone.

I have not been so moved by a book since the death of my own father 10 years ago. Sue Miller's memoir of her father's last years with Alzheimer's Disease tells the reader more about her than about her father. Her ability to stay connected to the complexity of feelings she experienced, even when they overwhelmed her and she couldn't articulate them, is astounding. Most moving of all is her father's final gift to her - a much deeper understanding of herself, of him. and of their relationship.

Ms. Miller did a wonderful job putting together the story of her father's illness and how it became intertwined with her life. I used to work with Alzheimer's and dementia patients and saw how difficult it was for families, not to mention the person suffering. Many families fall apart because they can not make sense of what is happening to their parent, but it was encouraging to see someone stick by and care for their parent. I think this memoir accurately portrays the slow loss all people involved go through. Its a great book for caretakers and anyone touched by this disease.

This is Sue Miller's first nonfiction book about her father, James Nichols, who started showing signs of Alzheimer's disease (AD) well before he was picked up by the police after getting lost while driving his car. That incident, however, proved to be the moment of truth for his family yet Miller explains the tendency to repeatedly deny the disease: "It came and went anyway, and so again and again I was able to argue myself out of acknowledging it." Instances of acceptance are described too as she notes, "I found out there were still things I could learn from him, still things he could teach me, things that helped bring him home in my memory from the faraway land of his disease." Miller describes her father's slow progression through the disease and the resulting transitions from home care to different levels of residential care. She has few compliments for professional caregivers, suggesting that staff and families alike did not know how to care for persons with dementia when her father was diagnosed in 1986.

Miller's sad and pleasant memories in the midst of his decline are placed within the context of her childhood and family of origin. She describes in detail many of the ways that her father's personality shaped her own way of thinking and her career as a writer. She recalls the cruel irony of watching her father, a church historian, wrestle with a disease that chipped away at his own history over a period of eight years. She does not write simply about his AD, for he had a fulfilling life before its onset. His life before and after the onset of his disease are examined as a whole. Miller does not wish to remember her father as a man rendered helpless. She tries to reclaim him as the loving parent he was for most of his long life. Isn't this what every caregiver hopes that others will also see in someone who has changed and lost so many abilities?

Miller passionately reflects on her own struggles that are universal concerns among caregivers. "[T]his is the hardest lesson... for a caregiver: you can never do enough to make a difference in the course of the disease," she writes. "We always find ourselves deficient in devotion.... Did you visit once a week? You might have visited twice. Oh, you visited daily? But perhaps he would have done better if you'd kept him at home. In the end all those judgments, those self-judgments, are pointless." Miller's desire to rescue her father from AD is impossible and in the end, she realizes that he did not need rescuing - his life of faith had prepared him for this experience. This moving memoir takes the reader on an intensely personal journey through a daughter's grief over a series of losses that are part and parcel of AD. Her observational skills and literary talent blend together into a poignant story about the special bond that is tested in the midst of caring for a parent.

Sue Miller has written a very thoughtful, loving account of her father's downward spiral with Alzheimer's disease. I found very informative her discussion of the history of the disease and the medical updates on it as described in Chapter 3.

As the title implies, there is more to this memoir than just an account of Ms. Miller's father's final days with Alzheimer's. She discusses much of her father's and her family's lives. The relationship of her parents, at least as she remembers it, was intriguing. I would like to have known either or both of her parents. Also, I bought the book from having read the first few pages in a local bookstore about James Nichols'-- the name of Ms. Miller's father-- feelings about pacificism. This is a brilliant first chapter that make you want to read more. Ms. Miller writes clear, beautiful prose.

Just as important as Mr. Nichols' story is also the story of Ms. Miller and her own frustrations, anger, love and all the other emotions that a child/caretaker feels as she watches the disintegration of a brilliant, scholarly and loving father. She attempts to be completely honest about her own feelings--it seems to be as honest as one can be in tackling such a painful and personal subject.

Mr. Nichols was lucky to have such a loving daughter. We, the readers, are likewise fortunate that she has written what had to be a very difficult book for her to write.

sue miller is one of our national treasures, and now she has given us a rich portrait of her family of origin. the fine details are all there, along with insightful medical information aboutAD and its tentacles of demise. a compelling memoir and a poignant tribute to her father; i found myself wishing he had been my father, so compassionate and alive the text.

bravo, ms. miller. this is one for the permanent collection of any daughter or son of a complex man.....

Sue Miller has given us all the most extraordinary gift in the form of this wonderful memoir. My father was an Episcopal priest and although he died at an early age from leukemia, I could certainly relate to her tender descriptions of the relationship they had. The most important thing about the book is her careful description of the evolution over many years of the loving relationship she and her father had at the end. I could not decide whether to smile or cry throughout this book, but it is simply a gem. The factual information about AD is very important for all of us, but the intimate view she gives us of her own family life is truly a gift, an extraordinary gift, for which I am grateful.

It was nice to read of Sue's experience, as I am now going down a simalar path with my mother. There were many things she said that are happening in my case and it was indeed good to know I was not alone. I have similar thoughts and feelings and to see the similarities to my mom's case was enlightening. The book will make the next steps easier as I know much more what to expect from the disease and what I can do and to asuage my guilt feelings. Thanks for writing this.

Sue Miller's excellent work tells the heart wrenching story of an incredibly gifted man who gradually disappeared into the horrible disease that is Alzheimer's. Anyone who has a loved one who is suffering from this disease should read this book. I also recommend Into the Shadows by Dr. Robert F. DeHaan, a psychologist whose wife suffers from Alzheimer's, for those who want to read more. Both books address the loss of a loved one from a spiritual perspective.