Customer Reviews

Since Strangling Isn't An Option... Dealing with Difficult People -- Common Problems and Uncommon Solutions

5 star:		(10)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

In a market flooded with advice on interpersonal relationships and the conflicts inherent in relationships, Crowe's book is refreshing in its common-sense approach.
Part I, "Fundamentals of Understanding", focuses on understanding what makes difficult people so hard to deal with. The key is to recognize the difficult person's behavior and our reaction to it. The most thought-provoking question in this segment is "Do we attempt to change difficult people, or do we change our expectations of them. `Difficult' is an opinion. We base our assessment of a person on our observations and expectations, and what we see as difficult, another may see as straightforward or decisive. Sometimes we have to step away from a problem, take a break to get some perspective.
Part II deals with "Personality Types and Patterns of Behavior." It categorizes different personalities by relating them to animals. The concept may be overused, but the content still has validity. There are nine types of difficult personalities. On the aggressive side, we have the lizard, who complains about everything. Crowe's advice is to steer them away from problems and into solutions. It may be impossible to completely stop complainers, but you can certainly stop them from taking up your valuable time. In the passive group, we have the donkey, who stays rooted in one place until forcibly led away - frozen, afraid to make a move. The challenge is to empower them to take some action on their own. Crowe's suggestion is to offer a set of choices, outlining the likely outcome, then let them choose. If their decision is unwise, hopefully they will learn from it. If their decision is a winner, they will gain confidence and hopefully break out of their passive mold.
In Part III, "Tools and Recipes" Crowe offers ways to deal with the difficult personalities that she has outlined. One technique mentioned is "Verbal Aikido." Aikido is a martial art in which the momentum of the attacker is used against them. Verbal aikido is the technique of redirecting a conversation with a difficult person in the direction you want it to go. Sample verbiage includes "Here are your options.." and "You make the choice." The advice is sound, although it may be hard to put into practice initially. Difficult people generally won't be boxed into making a choice, because then who would take the blame? That's exactly Crowe's point - let them decide, and then learn from the outcome.
This book offers simple understandable explanations of some common problems, ands some innovative ways to deal with them. I would recommend it to anyone needing a fresh perspective on interpersonal problems, especially in the workplace.

a review from the author of DREAMING YOUR REAL SELF: A PERSONAL APPROACH TO DREAM INTERPRETATION; and DREAM BACK YOUR LIFE: A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO DREAMS, DAYDREAMS, AND FANTASIES.

SINCE STRANGLING ISN'T AND OPTION is a down-to-earth, practical guide for dealing with frustrations we all experience. The simple suggestions for how to change our approach to others and the way we evaluate events can help us all to change our circumstances and improve our interactions with others. Her specific explanations for how to calm ourselves, shift our negative focus, and "brake for difficult people" are sensible and effective. Sandra Crowe's writing is clear and personable, with examples readers can relate to. A realistic and painless exploration of self-help strategies, without promising instant happiness, this book is for anyone ready to improve themselves and their ways of dealing with the normal struggles of everyday living.

You should really read this no matter what your disposition. Everyone gets to a point when they want to strangle someone, the title in itself tells how light hearted this book is about a very oppressive subject. Controlling your anger is something most would like to avoid. I advocate this book during my workshops. Take the time to get this one and read it.

This book has a user friendly approach and avoids concentrating on defining the "difficult people" by style, type or category. There are several interesting approaches offered for changing your behavior when dealing with difficult people because, as the author points out, the only behavior you can really control is your own.

The author includes a number of scenarios, some carrying over from chapter to chapter, which aid in understanding the process for dealing with difficult behavior and the predicted, or actual, outcome. While the process suggested by the author may not work for you, and may not work in every instance where you are dealing with a difficult person, there is certainly enough wisdom and information to justify the time spent reading the book.

I was very excited about this book given its overview and some of its very good reviews. I was having a very difficult situation at work with an experienced bully and I was looking for some ideas to help. I was ready to look at myself to change too, as the author does suggest.

So far, I don't find the book all that useful. I haven't finished it though so I made come back and change or add to my review. As one reviewer mentioned, there's an underlying premise of 'can't we just all get along.' Actually, that has been part of my strategy in life that just doesn't always cut it in the workplace. There have been a lot of suggestions that rely on turning the other cheek and expecting the person you are having problems with to be rational. For example, the book suggests that when you have a difficult person, to let them know they are upsetting you and that you may need to return to the issue/their criticisms later when you feel better. The book suggests that you may not have realized that the person attacking you is having a bad day, and they will feel empathy and want to work things out with you and change the way they treat you. This is a great overall lesson in humanity, and definitely a thought to have if you've never considered that option, but I thought it was sort of a beginner strategy. It doesn't open the possibility that the person attacking you just wants to stick it to you, has no empathy, and will probably go in for the kill if you show them that they have gotten to you. For the longest time I didn't believe that people were like that. I thought the solution was always "they are just having a bad day" and I would try to work things out. Nope. Some people just love to take others down and they aren't going to be rational or have empathy. If they know they are upsetting you, it encourages them. Additionally, sometimes consistently turning the other cheek can result in no advancement at work or even the loss of a job.

Another suggestion I found surprising was that if a person is constantly harassing you about where you are and what you are doing (trying to have constant control), you should just release your emotions and start giving them the information they are asking for instead of fighting it. In some cases I would agree. I have a family member who is a worry wort and they are asking out of love and to constantly ease their own mind that all the family is OK. But in other cases, like the case of a bully, any little scrap of information you give them will be collected and used against you. If that seems like an overstatement, check out some of the current research on workplace bullying. The overall suggestion is to not give them any information at all if you can possibly avoid it, and constantly answering to the controlling of another human being can be detrimental to your health.

That said, there have been some useful pieces of advice in the book. Some of the quotes from other sources are interesting and helpful. I'll keep reading for a bit to see if I grab anything else. I would say that this book is more for beginners. For example, it's for someone who has not stopped to consider that maybe the person screaming at you is just having a bad day. It's also true that bullying is its own situation (and some self help books will even tell you 'this does not work for a bully.') and this book is not the right one to address those types of issues.

There are a couple of great books out there that I would recommend: The Bully at Work (Naime). It has an accompanying website with lots of helpful info. Also, if you are a woman who was raised to always be sweet and turn the other cheek - The Curse of the Good Girl. It's somewhat advanced but gives great insight into how women were raised to not make waves and be sweet, and while those are often good traits, how they can be detrimental to success in the workplace because women didn't learn the basic 'butt heads and then play golf' strategies that many guys just learned on the playground as kids. Both books offer solutions in addition to in depth explanations of the issues.

I was facing problems at work where my review would be entirely different from my feedback. I felt like I was being cheated and had absolutely no credibility. I thought this book may help, but it covers different situations.

The book talks about people that misbehave and how to deal with them. It also talks about overcoming communication problems, but the situations mentioned were too extreme to be able to relate to. I wonder if people like those (as portrayed in the book) even exist.

People this book will help:
1) Want to control anger
2) Someone at work hates you or you hate him/her i.e. if *a* person is making your life at work miserable
3) Learn about different types of people and why they behave the way they do (psychology)

People for who this book is useless:
1) Do not know the stem or root of your problems at work
2) Problem lies in the work environment and not a person

In cases where this book may not prove useful, you may want to try a book on street smartness, communication skills and reading body language.

Very Helpful to me.
Helps me relate/understand why I get annoyed with people because of my already-always-thinking process from my past. I have begun to hear other in a more understanding way...when I am in a good mood that is..some days, if I am not thinking I revert back to my other thinking and lose my patience..!

This book is extremely helpful in suggesting some pretty powerful and effective ways to communicate with difficult people. It has helped me through several difficult situations with my husband and friends.

Unfortunately, some books of this genre have been written by people who have never studied Psychology, which is not the case here; the author has a degree in Applied Psychology, has worked with numerous major corporations and knows what she is talking about (I have also studied Psychology.) She writes with perceptiveness, humor and compassion for us and all of those "difficult" others we are bound sooner or later to meet up with at work.

Who hasn't worked and found such button-pushers as the "unresponsive snail," "complaining lizard," "prickly porcupine" or many others like this?

The author does a great job of teaching us not to take any of this personally. We see that people use coping strategies which have worked for them before. The author shows in a nutshell (no pun intended) the major reasons why people become difficult. For example, he may be re-enacting past trauma; she may have had old rifts which set her on a path to automatic distrust; he may have been over-rewarded in the past for the manipulative use of anger and it has become a habit. The person is receiving some sort of reward in the present for their behavior, and being effective with them involves learning what the reward is.

The advice offered here is not dismissive or manipulative of others and it will defuse and not escalate situations. Part of the strategy is observing our own habits and expectations more closely for self-defeating qualities.

There are 15 chapters total and included are topics as:

How to handle negative situations
The art of encouraging productive behavior
Inviting others to change
Determining your expectations
Why me and why them?
How much power do we really have to change others?
Are we in control of situations?
Moods - yours and theirs
How to deal with a very angry person

That last topic is handled better than in any other similar book I have read. I only disagree with one point, the advice to hit things, break dishes, etc., which the latest research in Psychology recommends against. (If interested in this, please see the books by Matthew MacKay and Carol Tavris.)

Chapter 7, "Animals in Your Kingdom," reviews nine types of difficult personalities and how to best deal with each type.

Chapter 8 discusses internal locus of control and being assertive.

Chapter 10 includes effective expression. Handling complaints and reinforcing others to follow through on commitments are covered.

In sum, trustworthy, knowledgeable, technically-correct advice in down-to-earth style that is a pleasure to read.

Recommended further reading:
How to Solve Your People Problems by Alan Godwin
"Tongue Fu!" by Sam Horn
"Dinosaur Brains" by Bernstein and Rozen
"Difficult Conversations" by Stone, Patton, Heen
"Messages - the Communications Skills Book" by McKay, Davis and Fanning
"Working Anger" by Potter-Efron
"Working with the Self-Absorbed" by Nina Brown

This book was not what I thought it was. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that it not only defines the types of difficult people and how to deal with them, but it had the reader take a look at how he/she reacts to the difficult person's behavior. I was under the misconception that the problem was inherently theirs, but Sandra Crowe points out that there are things I may be doing to provoke or instigate the situation. This book is surely an excellent resource for those dealing with difficult people - especially when you must maintain relationships with them and cannot avoid them.