Customer Reviews

Stressed-out Girls: Helping Them Thrive in the Age of Pressure

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Many girls worry their way through adolescence--whether they are socially insecure, high-achieving perfectionists, or just too scheduled. Stressed-Out Girls can help parents as well as educators know when to step in, when to step back, and how to help girls feel less overwhelmed and more in control. As an advice columnist for girls, I've read lots of parenting guides, and believe me, I don't give all of them a thumbs-up. But this book can help. And while an Amazon reviewer on this page pointed out, correctly, that in some ways girls have it easier than they used to, it's equally true that girls' lives are fuller--and more stressed--than ever before. Example: Years ago, we all took the SATs and that was that. Now students take SAT prep courses simply because everyone else is doing it. Suddenly weekends are full of tutoring and practice tests. It's more stressful (and expensive) for all. If your daughter is anxious, get this book for yourself and get GIRLTALK: All the Stuff Your Sister Never Told You for her. And start carving out some more downtime for everyone. Knowing how to ENJOY is as important as knowing how to EXCEL. --Carol at carolweston.com

I received a copy of this book as a gift; now I am giving copies of it to other parents of teen-aged daughters. Until I read "Stressed-Out Girls," I never really understood the intense pressure that my daughters - and their friends - felt to succeed. While I enjoyed the book's first-hand stories and quotes, I especially appreciated the practical strategies that the author gives for reducing stress and bolstering confidence in teenaged girls.

As a psychologist, I have used this book as a resource. I have recommended it to parents of teenage girls and I have also referred to parts of the book during therapy sessions. Cohen-Sandler's description of the pressure girls feel to excel on all fronts has been especially helpful. In reponse to my sharing an excerpt with her, a thirteen year old recently exclaimed, "That's exactly how I feel" with a look of surprise on her face and tears in her eyes.

Excellent book to challenge a parent to think outside of their expectations and try to understand the adolescent's point of view. I have a pre-teen who is very open with me and we have already talked about many of these situations presented in this book. Sadly, kids seem to be exposed to "adult" issues much earlier now than when I was a child and many are not emotionally mature enough to fully cope. If anything, this book makes you think more about underlying reasons for actions, instead of taking everything for face value. Only complaint is some information seems to be wordier than necessary, but overall a worthwhile read.

The pressure to excel is a national phenomenon. It seems like stress during the formative years is considered the norm instead of the exception these days. As they mature, girls feel even more stressed when the "expectations of their peers and adults conflict." Teens who believe their parents and teachers have hopes for them that are realistic, and in line with their actual talents and passions, feel most equipped to succeed.

If only things could be so simple as in Garrison Keillor's imaginary town, Lake Wobegon, 'where every child is above average,' many parents believe their daughters are "extremely bright and therefore should be excelling." Families today are intent "upon raising accomplished children find themselves in pertetual states of nervous energy. I often have to remind parents that native intelligence is not the most critical factor in determining whether people are successful." Traditional cognitive tests do not measure "motivation, curiosity, creativity, work habits, perseverance, or study skills." Blessed with these success factors (or taught to develop them) "girls better manage life's challenges and use their talents to the fullest."

Expecting or demanding too much leaves the overachiever as feeling "totally stressed out." overwhelmed and completely exhausted. Adolescent girls feel stressed by pressures to excel. "Every parent and teacher should be aware of these basic truths about the insidious, sometimes devastating, effects of stress on girls throughout the school years." All stressed-out girls, no matter their specific issues, "are prone to becoming estranged from their inner lives. They barely know who they are or who they want to become. More troubling, when accomplishments lose meaning, teens begin to feel bored and empty, states that I believe are related to the prevalence of serious problems such as depression, self-cutting, and eating disorders among young women today."

The crucial question for educators and parents is to what extent pressured girls are adversely affected "or even incapacitated by stress." Traumatic experiences, keeping secrets, family changes and problems together can cause more than stress; then emotional difficulties such as anxiety disorders set in. Chronic conflict stresses a teen's coping abilities, "provoking a crises and setting in motion a rapid downward spiral."

"There is also a distinct subset of teens whose pressures in extracurricular areas progressively detach them from their inner lives. If they pay attention to the inner voices alerting them to their real desires, they risk disappointing or angering adults. The trouble is, if girls continue to ignore these powerful assertions of their real selves, over time they fade away." They lose touch with their inner lives and therefore with what really gratifies them. They need to be content with themselves. When girls "express detachment from their inner motivation, they become estranged from what truly excites them and lose their joy in achievement. "It is not that they need more stimulation or challenge; they have to reconnect with their feelings about what they like and dislike."

Every teen girl needs to know "in what way she shines, in what areas she needs extra effort or help, and the specifics of her personal style. Such self-awareness feeds her confidence and guides her best decision making. To learn about herself, your daughter need [diplomatic, yet truthful] feedback. College students who base their self-worth on external sources including academic performance and appearance report more stress, academic problems, substance abuse and symptoms of eating disorders. Focusing on inner qualities builds a stronger foundation for success. "Self-knowledge, confidence, a balanced life, and a positive outlook effectively remove the barriers to your daughter's success." Know when to let her work things out on her own. "With this freedom, you will enable her to stay connected to her inner life. You'll be able to sit back and watch with wonder while your daughter evolves into the interesting and accomplished young woman she is destined to become."

Dr. Roni Cohen-Sandler is a clinical psychologist and bases this book on a survey she offered for public response concerning one of her articles in 'Girl's Life.' She is co-author of I'M NOT MAD, I JUST HATE YOU and wrote TRUST ME, MOM -- EVERYONE ELSE IS GOING: THE NEW RULES FOR MOTHERING ADOLESCENT GIRLS.

Guiding daughters through the middle school/high school years is a challenge, to say the least. I feel fortunate that we have been able, so far, to keep the lines of communication open with our daughter, and that we have developed a very respectful relationship. Yet once 13 hit we were faced with a level of determination and need for autonomy we had not seen before. It takes adjusting and re-thinking how you approach conflicts. I found Roni Cohen-Sandler's book, Stressed-Out Girls, incredibly informative and insightful! I thought I was aware of most of the stresses my daughter was facing on a daily basis, but this book made me realize the depth and scope of what she must be dealing with moment by moment. I found the book well written and succinct with excellent guidelines. I highly recommend this book for any parent raising daughters. Our world is changing rapidly, and the pressures society is placing on our children to be perfect in so many ways has become unattainable. This book helps us understand there are ways we can guide children towards happiness and independence, without undue anxiety.