GUIDELINES FOR THE TRUTHS
Are you ready to get stripped? It is time to let go of all of the misconceptions you have about black love and move into prosperous relationships that serve to feed your mind, body, and spirit. We are getting ready to call all of the news media, television shows, and women's magazines liars, because there are good black men out there who are still looking for great sisters to call their own. Our challenge is not with our men. The real challenge is reprogramming ourselves so that we can be contributors to our relationships, not detractors. The truths will revolutionize your approach to relationships.
WHY HAVE THE TRUTHS?
The state of relationships between brothers and sisters is on shaky ground. Everywhere you turn there are images of strong single black moms, black men with their nonblack wives, or black women hanging on to the worst possible men ever because they're afraid of being alone. If you tend to believe the media, sitcoms, and water cooler gossip, then you are probably feeling that there is little hope for finding the very best black man out there for you.
Play close attention, ladies: there are many great black men out there. Do not buy into the lies that all the good men are already married or gay. These are lies sold to our community so that we don't forge strong family or personal relationships, which have statistically proven to contribute to long, secure, and prosperous lives. Further, it is my belief that sisters clothe themselves with these lies so that we can justify our inability to select quality men or end bad relationships.
Our ability to have positive relationships is not completely shaped by insecure black men, our relationships with our fathers, socioeconomic conditions, or any other psychobabble that you have been sold in the past through the media and other relationship guides. These arguments do have some merit, but only you can decide to drop the negativity of the past and move forward into a better future. It is time to put the past away and live in the present--a present that is filled with new experiences and great love. The basic idea that I want you to open up your mind to today is that the very best black man is available to you. It is up to you to take the proactive steps to pursue and keep him.
Welcome to the best and most practical relationship advice that you will ever receive--advice that pushes you toward action and will not leave you lying in wait for the dream brother to discover you on that back pew, in the third cubicle from the left, or in the produce aisle. What I am offering is relationship truths that work not through deep psychoanalysis or childhood revelations but through identifying proactive behaviors that make you the master of your relationship destiny. Contrary to popular belief, the very best black men are not just out there somewhere waiting to discover you. You will have to be the aggressor, taking the steps to identify, pursue, and nurture a great relationship.
For all of the benefits that the truths will bring you, it is also important to note what they will not do. The truths will not:
Change a bad brother into a good one
Blame all of your bad relationship choices on Mommy or Daddy
Tell you that there are not enough good black men out there
Increase your net income, get you a Benz, or move you into a new house
If you desire any of the above, then this is not the book for you. We are digging a little deeper here and trying to undo a lot of the relationship behaviors and concepts that we black women have accepted in order to justify not having the love we deserve. In the end, the truths will provide you with ideas that will empower you to consciously decide to have the very best in your life.
A GOOD MAN?
What exactly do I mean when I say that the truths will result in you landing the very best black man? Are we talking about rich and highly educated brothers only? Let me clear this misconception up way ahead of time. We black women have fallen hard for the concept of a good man being a mucho provider and not much else. All of the other intangible characteristics that involve his ability to love and successfully partner and parent are viewed as gravy. We seem to latch on to "ballers" without giving any credence to the key attributes that contribute to successful relationships. Take inventory of those around you whose relationships you admire. I would say that the motivator in these relationships isn't money but friendship. When was the last time that you chose a best friend based on her bank account?
For my purposes the very best black man is one who is able to feed your spirit and body through compassion, understanding, dedication to goals, honesty, wit, and respect. The very best brother for you will be the one who is able to meet all of your needs--not just the superficial ones--even if you don't need him to.
WHERE DID THE TRUTHS
COME FROM?
So exactly how did I come up with the truths? Over seven years ago I made the decision to have better men in my life. My dating years up to that point were primarily filled with two types of brothers: the psychos and the bohos. Psychos are pretty self-explanatory. I have done my time with stalkers, criminals, weedheads, and mama's boys gone wild. The second group, the bohos, or misguided bohemians, includes the men who appear good on the outside but are either mind-numbingly boring or closeted sluts. To this day I don't know which group I found to be the most distasteful, but I do know that I decided I wanted and needed a change.
Late one night while doing my regular journal writing, I came up with what I considered the most critical traits for the very best black man for me. My wish list probably looked a lot like yours: loving, compassionate, good father material, goal-oriented, strong, sexy, passionate, and honest. This was my ideal man, and at the time I thought that all I had to do was keep this list in mind as I met brothers and I would automatically be able to identify the weeds and get rid of them. I did start meeting great brothers who were successful and by all accounts good men, but I was failing to forge deep connections. I was getting the first dates but not the long-term interest. Still trying to figure out the relationship game, I turned to those women in my circle who I felt had great black men in their lives. What was their secret? Where was I coming up short?
When I looked closer, it became clear to me that these relationships that I so respected were win-win arrangements. The brothers in these relationships were just as thankful and appreciative of their wives as their wives were of them. There was a balance--neither partner was responsible for the success of the relationship or burdened with its failings. I had been right in identifying what it was that I wanted in an ideal black man, but I was missing the other critical piece of the relationship equation: was I the ideal mate for the man that I was looking for? I began to look at what I could do to make myself the ideal partner for the man I was hoping to meet. What steps could I take to make my relationships work? It was after this thought process that the truths started to take form.
My discovery that night was that there were certain basic ideas governing personal interaction that, if absorbed, would lead women to identify the very best black men every time. Having identified them, sisters would be able to remain with these great men in mutually satisfying relationships. I placed these ideas into practice, and never again did I feel that I always attracted the wrong men or was not good enough to keep them. These ideas gave me the power to actively pursue great men and consistently be their top choice.
THE PLAN
Throughout this book I will share stories of how the truths have benefited sisters in identifying, pursuing, and nurturing great relationships with only the very best black men. Each chapter focuses on one particular truth and ends with the lesson behind the truth. It is my hope that you will take both the truth and the lesson and add them to your arsenal of tools for improving your life. At the end of each chapter there is a "bare necessity," a term I chose to use instead of "affirmation." Affirmations, in my opinion, are pleasant thoughts that dwell in the background, while bare necessities call on you to take action today--and it is only through action that change can occur. If a particular truth really hits home, I would suggest that you highlight the bare necessity. For your convenience, at the end of the book I have added a cheat sheet for both the truths and the bare necessities so that you can easily rip them out of the book and carry them with you to reflect on. It is only through examining and thinking about a truth that it can become integrated in your everyday behavior.
It is key that the truths be taken and absorbed as basic ideas for living, not as a check-off list for romantic behavior. These ideas work to improve you--not frazzle you into completing idiotic tasks, challenges, and lists on the road to love. The formula is simple. Use the truths to improve you. An improved sense of self will then lead to a more fulfilling love life.
So sit in your favorite chair or get wrapped up in your thickest throw, relax, and open your mind to the truths. I promise that once you have soaked up the ideas and lessons, you will see that the key to getting the very best black man is you. The truths are here to make sure that you are being the very best you can be as you pursue the very best black man.
Let's go!
TRUTH I
LET GO OF THE PAST
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