Customer Reviews

Stuck: Why We Can't (or Won't) Move On

5 star:		(4)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(5)
1 star:		(6)

 

 

As a 24 year old currently unemployed college graduate (just writing that makes me ashamed), the title 'Stuck' jumped out at me. I'm sure many people will be able to identify with the feeling of being 'stuck', whether it's in a career, relationship or habit. That, along with the interesting visual on the cover, led me to pick up this book yesterday from B&N. I found it filled with many interesting insights, culled from the works of prominent psychologists and social commentators. The author speaks about various aspects of American culture, such as the glorification of victimhood, pathologizing habits, consumer marketing strategies, etc which promote a certain personality, which in turn, causes our 'stuckness'.

The author seems particularly fascinated by herself and anorexia, and many of her anecdotes include one or the other. She says she is stuck in a child's mind, because she lives in the present. I think the author should have offered a more honest example of being stuck. I feel this example is a little facetious and trivializes the other serious examples of 'stuck' given in the book, such as people with drug addictions. I can understand how a person can retain some childlike wonder or playfulness, but saying you are trapped in a child's mind completely seriously is dishonest. After all, childlike thought is marked by the complete absence of abstractions, and obviously this book employs a lot of them. Even though that part annoyed me, I kept on reading because the author has a really engaging writing style and I found myself agreeing with many of her other observations. However, after 300+ pages, I was getting a little impatient and at the end, the author never really did offer any clear solution on how to get 'unstuck' from our stagnant lives.

Stuck is a book of personal opinions. People who are opinionated are either interesting or a bore. Anneli Rufus's opinions (and I say opinions as actual factual data in this book is scarce) just barely hang on the side of interesting. Most of the time, however, I felt like I was trapped in the corner at a cocktail party by someone who was shooting unfounded, but intelligent sounding, opinions from the hip and would not pause long enough to let me move politely to the onion dip. An example of this cocktail party banter is no more obvious then where Rufus, in a rant against what she perceives as a 1960's Zen haze that has lastingly stuck our generation selfishly in the "present moment", entangles Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk nominated by Martin Luther King for a Nobel Peace Prize. She flippantly calls Mr. Hanh a "mindfulness broker." With apparently little to no understanding of the core of his message, Rufus goes onto state that monks and babies can afford to live stuck in the present moment as they are specially taken care of . She apparently concludes that the teaching of mindfulness has no basis in a real world where adults must remain unstuck and prepare and plan for long term goals. Please breath so that I can move out of the corner and refill my drink.

Sanctimonious is a good word to describe most of the book- but it did have its moments.

I starting out enjoying the book but she went a little overboard with her opinions on "stuckness in the present moment" It made no sense to me whatsoever. She equates being in the present moment with instant gratification and pleasure-seeking. I think she misses the whole point. No matter what you are doing, being it studying for master's degree, planting a garden, practicing the piano, training for a race, performing surgery- all noble pursuits- are we NOT in the present moment? I certainly hope so! What about those of us that enjoy our work? Maybe I would RATHER study than hang out in a bar- I'm STILL in the present moment- I hope- perhaps more so than some of the folks in the bar hoping to get laid in the near future...

She blurts out opinions without thinking things through- without any regard for other perspectives. She needs a serious dose of perspective- it becomes very unbalanced at certain points.

She knows so little about Eastern culture it's embarrassing that she even brings it up. You can be at your most zen - practicing your life's work- perfecting it- exquisitely enjoying it for the present moment... nothing more or less, see it with fresh eyes every day.. while also knowing that you are going to reap even more benefits in the future. She could have opened an entire discussion on how to be in the present moment while working/practicing/achieving mastery.. but she was so out of the present moment that she missed the opportunity entirely.

She also confuses self-esteem with self-entitlement. Funny, I thought that it was those who had low-self worth that were more likely to indulge in the bad habits she spoke of. If I have high self-esteem because I have spent time gaining mastery and competence (and enjoying every moment) why would I need to go out and have sex with everyone I meet or go on destructive eating or shopping binges? I'm confused- is she trying to tell me that these habits and behaviors are the result of too much self-esteem? I almost laughed out loud!!!

It was fun to read a self-help book written by someone whose wisdom I think I have long ago surpassed.

Anneli Rufus is a terrific writer; her style is sharp and engaging. To a point, "Stuck" was an engrossing read, serving up just about every scenario of "stuckness" and how one might have gotten there. But ultimately, it seemed that again and again she was making the same point: if you're stuck, it's your own fault. And I agree with her stance that we all need to take responsibility for ourselves. But the book is one-sided. Rufus seems to be down on therapy, 12-step programs, the self-esteem movement, and mindfulness, insisting that they are all about not taking responsibility for oneself and either handing one's power over to God, being too full of oneself, blaming others, or living so much in the moment that there is no preparation for the future. This is a massive generalization, and she doesn't mention that actually, therapy and 12-step programs and the practice of mindfulness have helped people to get "unstuck" as well (she doesn't mention that there are people whose lives have been saved through the use of therapy and 12-step programs). Rufus says that she is hard on herself and therefore hard on the reader because that's the only way to get unstuck, but in my experience people often get "stuck" in the first place because of being too hard on themselves and relying only on their own will, not taking the complexities of life into account. I find that when I ease up on myself a little, that's when I move forward. But of course, that's my personal experience, and I do agree with her point that in some ways the "self-esteem movement" has created little narcissists. But I don't think the solution is to swing to the other extreme and never cut ourselves any slack. I didn't expect this to be a self-help book at all, but it offers no solutions, and really is not inspiring because it is so mired in Rufus's version of reality, which seems to involve little compassion for oneself (she says she's "stuck" herself but seems critical of those whose stuckness she describes). Still, she's a very talented writer and provides some new angles on the theme of being stuck, so I think it's a worthwhile read.

I completely agree with the other reviews including PW. When I heard this author on a Baltimore Radio Station (I believe the program was titled 'Prime Time Radio') the topic truly grabbed me. I shared a few of her opinions, so I wanted to learn more. I wanted to see something that would back up what she was saying that, at the time, sounded right. I downloaded the book. Now, I am very sorry that I wasted my hard earned cash on it. (Yes, Ms. Rufus--I did spend actual cash not credit.)

Imagine that someone very well read, and very smart, is very angry at you personally. That is what it is like reading this book. The person screaming at you might be right, you might need to hear it, but you can't. The screamer is not offering a well reasoned argument for change. The screamer just screams.

The author would probably scold me for being "stuck in the present" and having given into "the culture of immediacy" by downloading her book. I would be accused of being lazy for not waiting to read the reviews here on Amazon that would have warned me off of the book. For her, I would have been mired in a technological wasteland. Taking time to write this bad review makes me stuck in the present, unable to shake the sense of injury that I feel from having read her scolding. She may be right about that, but I spent my own cash from a debit card on it, cash that I earned from working too hard for too little pay.

From the first few pages, I could see that this was a bit of a "rant." For me a rant is when someone pretty intelligent is ticked off about something, and offers witty observations linked with serious arguments in the course of blowing off steam. I enjoy creating my own rants every now and then. To sustain a book with a rant requires some hard work on details. She makes random connections and jumps in logic that rival the spew of cable TV pundits. Someone bemoaning the lack of self-discipline in today's society owes the reader enough self-discipline to stay on a topic and back up an argument. The rant had better not just touch on something important, it better dig at the foundation. Instead, she allows her rant to go into so many circles that you grow tired of her constant contradictions.

I would like to see some scholarship or some journalism regarding some of her topics, especially the overuse of the "addiction" concept. Any one of them would make for an important book. Shouting about all of them at once and then blaming the reader who spent the money on the book for the ills of the world--not really helpful.

I'm glad I didn't pay full price for this book. I LOVE non-fiction, and psychology/science specifically. I had hope to learn something new. There is VERY little information here. Just a lot of rambling opinion.

If you want a self-help book on how to get un-stuck, buy something else. This book is virtually worthless for that purpose. If you want to read a bunch if two page stories about people stuck in the past, or stuck on other people, or stuck in the present, or stuck here or there, then buy it. The book is subtitled "why we can't or won't move on", but there really is no discussion on this, just a conglomeration of very short stories on how people get stuck, but really nothing on how to get un-stuck, other than to just say don't do that anymore. Her multipage rant on "stuck in the 60's", zen, and on progressives got old also. The author would take something like people who enjoy doing reenactments, like of the Civil War, and say they were stuck in the past, rather than recognize that perhaps they had an interest in the history of the most important war in this nations history. I'll suggest that you don't get stuck--so don't purchase this book.

As an incurable optimist, I did not find this book to be as positively informative and inspiring as I was hoping. Halfway through the book I wondered when we would get to the good parts. She tends to limit the book by only seeing the world through her own eyes, sometimes throwing in the expertise of someone else, but never really making a strong, steady theme. She talks about how our culture is obsessed with struggle and the victim protagonist, but fails to mention that there is a virtue in these story tellings, that many people benefit from the inspiring stories of people who have overcome struggles in their life.
She claims she lives in a childlike world and I agree with her. I feel like her opinion can be somewhat childish. It seems this book is revenge against her feeling left out for never going through anything substantially difficult. That is the impression she gives, anyway, only she knows the reason for that. I too, feel like I live in a child like world. But our childish worldviews are different. Whereas I think this world is beautiful, brilliant, full of possibilities and discoveries(yes even with those days I discover life hurts sometimes), she seems to be the child who frowns when she isn't getting her way and goes and hides in her room. Not all people who feel like children (me) live the way that she does. Some children fall off their bikes and get right back on! They also get excited about rainbows and bubbles, but that does not mean they do not know how to live or function in an adult world.
That is not to say that I did not find her book interesting in some aspects. I do not believe people should dwell in the past, but rather move on and heal. She makes some valid points about our cultures habit of going to extremes. For example, She makes excellent observations about our cultures view of what a strong woman should be. According to her, only the sexually ambitious woman are recognized. Our society praises this extreme and she does a great job explaining this, you don't have to be a sexually provacative woman to be strong. I am thankful for her observations of relationships that coincide with the promiscuity obsession. Also, our need to want more more more more in all aspects of our life and how it will never be enough in a hyper competitive world if we don't stop and ask ourselves, is this really me, do I want all the excess or am I just doing it because it can be done? I do believe this can drive people mad if they don't pay close attention.
I do believe in personal responsibility as the sole ingredient to a good life. I appreciate that she pointed out some things I may not have thought of but if you are really looking for ways to get unstuck, this book may not be so helpful. It is more of a soft questioning rather than a life changing book. It is worth it if you want it to be. If you are an optimist you can deal with her pessimism, but if you aren't I would be careful!

Rufus is, as she tells the reader endlessly, stuck. Stuck in a childhood mindset, stuck in an unorthodox manner of dressing, stuck in a career limited by refusal to travel or learn to drive, and stuck presenting diagnoses of herself and her friends.

This book is overly heavy on diagnosis and virtually devoid of remedy. She does describe the solution as an equation of pro vs. con, but only in a roundabout way. She may not be a psychologist, but she could have described anecdotes of people who got "unstuck" even if she didn't divulge their methods of doing so.

Ultimately this book is a futile exercise, and not worth anyone's time. I say that as a fan of "Party of One," another book that was a sociological descriptor without conveying any real substance. I also say this as a reader of many of her local articles, which I always felt were worth my time.

Or as the late Bill Hicks would have asked his "four fundamental philosophical questions": Yeah? And? So? What?

This book is skin(cover) deep. No real discussion of how to get unstuck. Also the description of being stuck in her childhood is so trivial. A lot of people would die to get stuck in their childhood and never grow up !!