Greetings good reader! Or as they say in Europe, "hi." This book chronicles many people, but it really begins with one man. Charles Darwin. Unless you live under a rock or in certain parts of the Florida panhandle, you know that Charles Darwin came up with a newfangled theory called natural selection, aka, survival of the fittest.
But what if Darwin was wrong.
(Pause for dramatic gasp and outcries of "Oh no you di'int!")
What if evolution could take a giant side step? Well, actually a step that's sideways and a little backwards. The kind of step you'd take if you were in a long line and the person in front of you farted, so you step back and are all like, "Oh jeez that's disgusting," but you don't want to step so far away that you lose your place in line. So yeah-a step like that.
Anyway, we started noticing something strange about two years ago. People with oddly evolved abilities. Abilities that were so mundane, so uninspiring, so ironic...that they could only be described as Superuseless.
And so our mission began. Armed with only our bad instincts and a thirst for the truth, we traveled the world to uncover these quasi-superheroes. The following pages contain nearly everything we collected along our way, including a lot of made-up stuff.
So, friends...suspend your disbelief...and dive headfirst into the extremely shallow waters that are...SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWERS.
Nothing says "I have nothing to say" like the popular medium known as PowerPoint. And this superuseless ability lets you blow hot air in style. The Powerpointer is able to take any situation, from a trip to the bathroom to getting a cavity filled, and immediately turn it into a slideshow-friendly presentation. Too bad he works at a coffee shop, 'cause he could climb the corporate ladder stupid fast.
Sue Miller may look like your average lonely woman who wears heart-shaped pendants and writes in a diary. But she also has the world's only known case of Telekinnearsis-the power to move actor Greg Kinnear with her mind! Unfortunately, Kinnear is the only thing she can move. So, you know...bummer.
Imagine being able to construct a logical argument so tight, it'd make Aristotle wet his toga. Now imagine the only time you can do this is when talking to an angry girlfriend. (Cue sad trombone.) Now you know the plight of the Flawgic power. As we all know, logic has no measurable effect on significant others. Especially when talk turns to feelings. Which it always does. Dammit.