Dove Award-winning artist Clay Crosse and his wife, Renee, share their personal story of his struggle with pornography and how they rebuilt their marriage.
I Surrender All: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken by Pornography
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Editorial Reviews
From Publishers Weekly
Contemporary Christian singer Clay Crosse shares his journey as a performer whose 1994 number-one hit, "I Surrender All," captured the attention of the Christian music scene as he secretly battled a consuming addiction to pornography. Crosse tells how a mysterious throat ailment stopped him cold, causing his financial world to tip precariously, and bringing the realization that the road he was traveling was surely going to end in the demise of his marriage, crushing both his faith and his career. Telling his sobering story, Crosse takes turns with wife, Renee, as they candidly reveal the desperate condition to which their spiritual and marital lives had deteriorated before Crosse acknowledged his addiction. After he confessed that he would have had sex with any woman who offered, Crosse and his wife started a harrowing journey toward building a relationship characterized by trust and accountability. Renee had to struggle to overcome a wide range of feelings, including a sense of inadequacy as a wife, as well as hurt and anger at her husband's betrayal. Many Christian readers will appreciate the candor of the Crosses' story, which offers a fragile but persistent message of redemption. (Sept.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
From the Back Cover
Clay Crosse burst onto the contemporary Christian music scene with his 1994 hit "I Surrender All." And over the next four years, his star climbed higher and higher with more number-one hits and sold-out concerts. But beneath his success lurked a dark secret: He was addicted to pornography. No one knew he had a problem--not even Clay--until the day God took away his voice. What followed that day was a story of the power of grace and forgiveness. Now Clay and Renee tell their story with the prayer that it will help countless other marriages--perhaps even yours.
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
79 of 86 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars
An interesting memoir about overcoming issues stemming from pornography
September 30, 2005
Format:Paperback
When Clay Crosse married his high school sweetheart in 1990 he wore a white tuxedo symbolizing the fact that he and Renee (in her white gown) had remained virgins until marriage. "We saw this as a way of glorifying God in our wedding ceremony and telling other young couples that it is possible to wait for sex until marriage. As I watched my bride coming down the aisle toward me, I realized God had given me a great blessing in her. In that moment I knew more than ever before that I wanted our lives to be different. I wanted us to stand out from the world and shine for God. Unfortunately, eight years would pass before I would begin to do the work to make this desire a reality."
In those eight years Clay Crosse became Clay Crosse: Christian Star. His first single, "I Surrender All," climbed to the top of the charts and the Gospel Music Association named him New Artist of the Year in 1995. His first four albums went on to produce eight #1 singles. But the white suit came back to haunt Clay.
Even though he and Renee had remained virgins, Clay hadn't remained pure. He'd become dependant on pornography to sate his sexual desires until he was married. As his career took off, with accolades and money flowing freely, he become increasingly self-centered and his shallow faith couldn't support the weight of his success. He and Renee gradually loosened their standards --- using coarse language, laughing at crude jokes, and viewing movies regardless of sexually explicit content. He was able to justify crossing back into porn use because it didn't feel like that much of a stretch from what he viewed in mainstream media on a regular basis.
"When I watched a mainstream movie that contained graphic sexual content and nudity, something stirred inside of me. The old feelings I experienced when I watched pornography before I was married came back. I like them, and I wanted more. As I said a moment ago, the focus of my life increasingly was me and what would make me happy. Pornography fed this hunger, and I knew when I could find it," he writes.
That seemingly benign move started a spiral into lust that, two years later, left Clay perched on the edge of an affair. Thankfully, the Lord got Clay's attention and he started to do the difficult work of reorienting his life on God and others rather than himself.
It's that difficult work that fills the chapters of I SURRENDER ALL, the book Clay and Renee Crosse have written together about his struggles with pornography and lust, and her struggles to forgive and trust him again. The fact that this issue came to a head for them several years ago, in 1998, gives their advice weight. They've been in the marital trenches and have just enough distance from the dark days to offer light, but are close enough to still have compassion and a sense of urgency about the issue.
The couple offers a lot of practical tips for avoiding temptation and supporting a weak spouse. The Crosses also advocate male headship in the household, which some will have theological qualms with. But they and readers can agree that their most important move was to reaffirm their commitment to Christ and to rely on his strength to keep the marriage together when neither of them was able or willing to based on their own power.
Even though Clay and Renee's marriage faced unique opportunities to slide into danger because of his ego-driven profession, it's clear that the temptations Clay faced and the emotions Renee felt are universal. Anyone --- male or female, married or single --- who is struggling through issues stemming from pornography will find valuable information, understanding, and exhortation in I SURRENDER ALL.
--- Reviewed by Lisa Ann Cockrel
In those eight years Clay Crosse became Clay Crosse: Christian Star. His first single, "I Surrender All," climbed to the top of the charts and the Gospel Music Association named him New Artist of the Year in 1995. His first four albums went on to produce eight #1 singles. But the white suit came back to haunt Clay.
Even though he and Renee had remained virgins, Clay hadn't remained pure. He'd become dependant on pornography to sate his sexual desires until he was married. As his career took off, with accolades and money flowing freely, he become increasingly self-centered and his shallow faith couldn't support the weight of his success. He and Renee gradually loosened their standards --- using coarse language, laughing at crude jokes, and viewing movies regardless of sexually explicit content. He was able to justify crossing back into porn use because it didn't feel like that much of a stretch from what he viewed in mainstream media on a regular basis.
"When I watched a mainstream movie that contained graphic sexual content and nudity, something stirred inside of me. The old feelings I experienced when I watched pornography before I was married came back. I like them, and I wanted more. As I said a moment ago, the focus of my life increasingly was me and what would make me happy. Pornography fed this hunger, and I knew when I could find it," he writes.
That seemingly benign move started a spiral into lust that, two years later, left Clay perched on the edge of an affair. Thankfully, the Lord got Clay's attention and he started to do the difficult work of reorienting his life on God and others rather than himself.
It's that difficult work that fills the chapters of I SURRENDER ALL, the book Clay and Renee Crosse have written together about his struggles with pornography and lust, and her struggles to forgive and trust him again. The fact that this issue came to a head for them several years ago, in 1998, gives their advice weight. They've been in the marital trenches and have just enough distance from the dark days to offer light, but are close enough to still have compassion and a sense of urgency about the issue.
The couple offers a lot of practical tips for avoiding temptation and supporting a weak spouse. The Crosses also advocate male headship in the household, which some will have theological qualms with. But they and readers can agree that their most important move was to reaffirm their commitment to Christ and to rely on his strength to keep the marriage together when neither of them was able or willing to based on their own power.
Even though Clay and Renee's marriage faced unique opportunities to slide into danger because of his ego-driven profession, it's clear that the temptations Clay faced and the emotions Renee felt are universal. Anyone --- male or female, married or single --- who is struggling through issues stemming from pornography will find valuable information, understanding, and exhortation in I SURRENDER ALL.
--- Reviewed by Lisa Ann Cockrel
38 of 43 people found the following review helpful
By Amber D.
Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase
This book has a lot of value to offer, but it's not about sex addiction. There's a difference between desensitization and sex addiction, and this book addresses desensitization. True addiction involves a cycle that includes elements of compulsion, detachment, acting out, and shame. That is not remotely what Crosse describes. Instead, he writes about desensitization: how the use of pornography can desensitize a person to sex in such a way that all of the emphasis is placed on lust/the physical while the emotional experience is increasingly overshadowed, and how that use desensitizes a person to the objectification of women as well. When a person uses pornography on a regular basis, they can become focused on the selfish nature of the gratification and lose sight of sex as a way to bond emotionally. The objectification in porn can bleed over to other areas of life until the person looks around and just sees potential objects for their own enjoyment. Sex stops being a give-and-take act of love and becomes all about physical pleasure and self-gratification, which then leads to considering sexual acts involving less and less emotional connection.
This is one of the dangerous consequences of porn, particularly in a Christian marriage, and it's good to have a book addressing these dangers, particularly in a society that says, "it's just porn," and doesn't see the dangers of that desensitization. If you're looking for a book that addresses these aspects of porn use, particularly if you're in a Christian marriage, you'll find this book useful.
However, this is not the same thing as sex addiction. Crosse doesn't describe any feelings of compulsion. He wasn't acting out to escape the painful feelings of life. He wasn't consumed with shame each time he acted out. He used porn because he didn't think it was a big deal and it "felt good," and experienced a desensitization. He did feel shame once he "confessed his sin" and "repented," and he does struggle with temptation, but that's NOT the same thing as addiction. In true addiction, he would've tried to stop when he realized it was wrong and found himself completely unable to do so. He would've fought urges he couldn't control. He would've experienced the detachment of using. He would've needed to completely restructure his coping mechanisms and beliefs, work through a process such as a 12-step program, figure out and work through what was driving him to use, etc. Porn wasn't his coping mechanism: it was just a self-indulgence that took him down a bad and selfish path.
With true addiction, repenting and handing your life over to God is not enough to correct the problem. That's certainly helpful, but the above steps are still necessary. I think any sex addict who reads this book is going to feel angry with the author for calling himself an addict and frustrated by the lack of material to which they can relate.
If you are suffering from ACTUAL sex addiction, particularly if you're in a 12-step program and identify strongly with the feelings and experiences expressed by other members in your group, I don't think you'll find much value in this book. However, if you've tried a 12-step meeting or two and didn't identify with the experiences of those there, you may well be suffering from desensitization rather than an addiction, and it might be worth reading this book to see if it resonates more with your experience. Desensitization is still damaging to individuals and relationships; it's just handled in a different way than addiction.
I think desensitization is a pervasive issue in this age of porn that is so readily available and easy to hide, but it's just not the same as addiction, and referring to it as addiction is part of why it suddenly seems like everyone has a "sex addiction," and why so many are skeptical of the existence of sex addiction. I hope that as more research is done, a better distinction will be made between these two issues so that both can be better understood. It's a shame that this book is classified as being about sex addiction, because that undermines its value in combating desensitization, and it also confuses the issue of true addiction.
This is one of the dangerous consequences of porn, particularly in a Christian marriage, and it's good to have a book addressing these dangers, particularly in a society that says, "it's just porn," and doesn't see the dangers of that desensitization. If you're looking for a book that addresses these aspects of porn use, particularly if you're in a Christian marriage, you'll find this book useful.
However, this is not the same thing as sex addiction. Crosse doesn't describe any feelings of compulsion. He wasn't acting out to escape the painful feelings of life. He wasn't consumed with shame each time he acted out. He used porn because he didn't think it was a big deal and it "felt good," and experienced a desensitization. He did feel shame once he "confessed his sin" and "repented," and he does struggle with temptation, but that's NOT the same thing as addiction. In true addiction, he would've tried to stop when he realized it was wrong and found himself completely unable to do so. He would've fought urges he couldn't control. He would've experienced the detachment of using. He would've needed to completely restructure his coping mechanisms and beliefs, work through a process such as a 12-step program, figure out and work through what was driving him to use, etc. Porn wasn't his coping mechanism: it was just a self-indulgence that took him down a bad and selfish path.
With true addiction, repenting and handing your life over to God is not enough to correct the problem. That's certainly helpful, but the above steps are still necessary. I think any sex addict who reads this book is going to feel angry with the author for calling himself an addict and frustrated by the lack of material to which they can relate.
If you are suffering from ACTUAL sex addiction, particularly if you're in a 12-step program and identify strongly with the feelings and experiences expressed by other members in your group, I don't think you'll find much value in this book. However, if you've tried a 12-step meeting or two and didn't identify with the experiences of those there, you may well be suffering from desensitization rather than an addiction, and it might be worth reading this book to see if it resonates more with your experience. Desensitization is still damaging to individuals and relationships; it's just handled in a different way than addiction.
I think desensitization is a pervasive issue in this age of porn that is so readily available and easy to hide, but it's just not the same as addiction, and referring to it as addiction is part of why it suddenly seems like everyone has a "sex addiction," and why so many are skeptical of the existence of sex addiction. I hope that as more research is done, a better distinction will be made between these two issues so that both can be better understood. It's a shame that this book is classified as being about sex addiction, because that undermines its value in combating desensitization, and it also confuses the issue of true addiction.
23 of 25 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
Singer Clay Crosse first saw pornography in the fourth grade. He was at a friend's house when they found a collection of magazines. A few years later, another friend showed him a movie. By the time he was in high school, he had a small stash of magazines hidden in his room. Clay knew that looking at this material was wrong, but he never thought about how dangerous it might be.
Even after he and his future wife made a commitment to purity, he was able to rationalize his involvement with pornography. As long as he and Renee were not having sex, he thought he was okay.
Once he married, he assumed that his battle was over. Being a fan of movies, Clay though little about the content of the films that he watched. It made it easier to once again watch pornographic videos at the height of his music success in 1996. This began a two-year descent that would affect him physically, jeopardizing his marriage and career.
This couple's journey to restoration is told clearly and concisely in their own words. It's honest without any lurid details. Through Renee's account we see the heartbreak and turmoil that family members can experience.
This story serves as a warning to all that will take it to heart. There is a common progression with predictable and devastating results. This book could help others turn their lives around.
How could someone so popular in Christian music justify this kind of behavior? Clay and Renee admit that their relationship with God was shallow. Once Clay made it big, they became enamored with all of the pleasures that they could enjoy. Looking back they realize that they were living for themselves.
The foundation for the rebuilding that took place in their marriage was a new commitment to serve the Lord. Their path to wholeness is practical without being legalistic, providing hope for those who struggle with this in their own lives.
Life is better for them now. Clay continues to perform concerts nationwide, and he and Renee speak at various marriage enrichment conferences. Clay serves as worship pastor and Renee is involved in the leadership of women's ministries at The Love of Christ Church in Memphis, pastored by Dana Key of Degarmo & Key fame.
It's hard not to be challenged about purity when you read this book. It's a reminder that we must continually "Put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desire" (Romans 13:14 ESV).
Clay and Renee have established HolyHomes Ministries to challenge Christian families to live godly lives. Their thought is that Christian homes should function in a different way than non-Christian homes. They should function in a better way, with more love and caring, and be less destructive and hurtful.
Even after he and his future wife made a commitment to purity, he was able to rationalize his involvement with pornography. As long as he and Renee were not having sex, he thought he was okay.
Once he married, he assumed that his battle was over. Being a fan of movies, Clay though little about the content of the films that he watched. It made it easier to once again watch pornographic videos at the height of his music success in 1996. This began a two-year descent that would affect him physically, jeopardizing his marriage and career.
This couple's journey to restoration is told clearly and concisely in their own words. It's honest without any lurid details. Through Renee's account we see the heartbreak and turmoil that family members can experience.
This story serves as a warning to all that will take it to heart. There is a common progression with predictable and devastating results. This book could help others turn their lives around.
How could someone so popular in Christian music justify this kind of behavior? Clay and Renee admit that their relationship with God was shallow. Once Clay made it big, they became enamored with all of the pleasures that they could enjoy. Looking back they realize that they were living for themselves.
The foundation for the rebuilding that took place in their marriage was a new commitment to serve the Lord. Their path to wholeness is practical without being legalistic, providing hope for those who struggle with this in their own lives.
Life is better for them now. Clay continues to perform concerts nationwide, and he and Renee speak at various marriage enrichment conferences. Clay serves as worship pastor and Renee is involved in the leadership of women's ministries at The Love of Christ Church in Memphis, pastored by Dana Key of Degarmo & Key fame.
It's hard not to be challenged about purity when you read this book. It's a reminder that we must continually "Put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desire" (Romans 13:14 ESV).
Clay and Renee have established HolyHomes Ministries to challenge Christian families to live godly lives. Their thought is that Christian homes should function in a different way than non-Christian homes. They should function in a better way, with more love and caring, and be less destructive and hurtful.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars
Wow...
I was able to get this book for free which was a special bonus, of course! But I couldn't believe how open and honest this couple was about the struggles they dealt with. Read more
Published 3 months ago by Beth Heiney
4.0 out of 5 stars
Brave and honest
I don't have any experience in this area myself, but appreciate the honesty with which Clay and his wife speak about the problems they had, the confessions, and how they rebuilt... Read more
Published 6 months ago by tiggrie AKA Sarah
5.0 out of 5 stars
I Surrender All
Very helpful in making me and my husband understand that what I was feeling, as a wife of someone who had gotten caught up in porn, was valid. Read more
Published 9 months ago by Strawberrygirl7
5.0 out of 5 stars
Refreshing and insightful
I Surrender All is a book by Christian recording artist Clay Crosse and his wife Renee. It is a book that describes a man in the public eye of Christian ministry who has a... Read more
Published 12 months ago by Susan M. Baganz
5.0 out of 5 stars
Super quick delivery
The delivery was super quick and the book is in condition as advertised. I haven't read it yet, but look forward to reading it. Thank you!
Published 14 months ago by Tina Salisbury
1.0 out of 5 stars
I'm very disappointed in this book
I'm very disappointed in this book. I really wanted to like this book but this is an extremely religious book and I just couldn't finish it. Read more
Published 16 months ago by The G
5.0 out of 5 stars
Wonderful Testimony!
I couldn't put this book down! From someone who knows the devastation that pornography can cause in a marriage, I thought Clay & Renee did an amazing job of sharing their story,... Read more
Published 18 months ago by CindyBeall
4.0 out of 5 stars
very sincere and humble
i d like to thank the crosse family not only for sharing about the sin that is often taking too lightely, but mainly they shared about the difference of the shallow and lukewarm... Read more
Published 18 months ago by Daniel Dostrasil
5.0 out of 5 stars
There Is Hope For A Better Life
In 1998, Clay Crosse found himself on the verge of losing his music career and his family. His voice was hoarse but the doctors could not find any physical cause for his ailments. Read more
Published 18 months ago by Janette Fuller
4.0 out of 5 stars
Great book
Glad to hear both sides of the story! Wish it had it had more what to do and how to handle dealing with porn addiction. Read more
Published 19 months ago by freedom2fly
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