The Surrendered Wife : A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace with Your Man [Paperback]

Laura Doyle (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: January 8, 2001

This controversial approach to marriage has transformed thousands of relationships, bringing women romance, harmony, and the intimacy they crave.

Like millions of women, Laura Doyle wanted her marriage to be better. But when she tried to get her husband to be more romantic, helpful, and ambitious, he withdrew -- and she was lonely and exhausted from controlling everything. Desperate to be in love with her man again, she decided to stop telling him what to do and how to do it.

When Doyle surrendered control, something magical happened. The union she had always dreamed of appeared. The man who had wooed her was back.

The underlying principle of The Surrendered Wife is simple: The control women wield at work and with children must be left at the front door of any marriage. Laura Doyle's model for matrimony shows women how they can both express their needs and have them met while also respecting their husband's choices. When they do, they revitalize intimacy.

Compassionate and practical, The Surrendered Wife is a step-by-step guide that teaches women how to:

• Give up unnecessary control and responsibility
• Resist the temptation to criticize, belittle, or dismiss their husbands
• Trust their husbands in every aspect of marriage -- from sexual to financial

And more.

The Surrendered Wife will show you how to transform a lonely marriage into a passionate union.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Self-proclaimed "feminist and former shrew" Laura Doyle sets forth a whopper of a game plan for establishing profound intimacy in one's marriage. Building on the gender stereotypes defined by bestselling author John Gray (Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus), Doyle seeks to heal the overworked, underappreciated wife who snarls at her mate's every thought or action. Her message to these smart, self-sufficient types: check the nitpicking, the unsolicited opinions, and--egads!--the finances at the marital door (although she says it's still okay to wield control at work). Many women will find such advice archaic and offensive; some will simply laugh off this credential-free anachronism when they receive the book as a bridal-shower gag gift. Still others, identifying with Doyle's profile of a controlling wife, will be curious enough to dabble in her proposed art of "surrendering."

According to Doyle, the wife who chooses to surrender must learn to take care of herself first, overcome the desire to have more power, and abandon the myth of equality. Delving into the personal tales and sisterly advice shared within each chapter's pages, surrendering wives will further note the need to master unsavory phrases like "I can't," and "Whatever you think"--tough to swallow for a generation of women who value their own opinions. While she fully acknowledges that a few bills will go unpaid and a few deadlines or freeway exits will occasionally be missed, she also insists that surrendered wives will encounter less worry and fear, more money, and better sex. Hey, "Whatever you think...." --Liane Thomas

From Publishers Weekly

A natural for audio, Doyle is perky, enthusiastic, friendly and confiding as she shares her secrets for a happy marriage. Her main point is that when she criticized, nagged and tried to control her husband, the marriage suffered; but when she "surrendered," letting him do things his way and make decisions for the family, he rose to the occasion, becoming a responsible and loving husband and making her feel protected and cared for. Doyle's "one size fits all" approach is not likely to fit everyone; indeed, it's hard to imagine any wife (or husband, for that matter) feeling emotionally satisfied in a marriage where every one of the husband's suggestions is met with a demure "Whatever you think best, dear." Doyle's insistence that the husband should control all aspects of the family's finances is also likely to raise a few eyebrows. But such extremism aside, Doyle makes some worthwhile points. Nagging and criticizing are not conducive to marital harmony, and treating a man like an incompetent child turns the wife into his mother which isn't likely to make either party happy. Doyle also points out that wives need to take time to care for themselves (going to lunch with friends, getting facials or whatever activities they enjoy), instead of constantly martyring themselves to the needs of others. Based on the Fireside paperback.

Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 285 pages
• Publisher: Touchstone; Original edition (January 8, 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0743204441
• ISBN-13: 978-0743204446
• Product Dimensions: 8.6 x 5.5 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 9.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (202 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #52,293 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Laura Doyle lectures and leads workshops about the principles of The Surrendered Wife. She lives in Costa Mesa, California, with her husband.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

86 of 93 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Recovering control freak loves this book, February 22, 2001

By A Customer

This review is from: The Surrendered Wife : A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace with Your Man (Paperback)

As a recovering control freak, I loved this book, and am putting into practice, with modification, many of the author's suggestions. As a professional woman with my own business, I need to tweak Laura Doyle's suggestions regarding turning over finances, so that my husband and I find a financial arrangment which works for us. What Laura Doyle is basically suggesting is giving up inappropriate control in marriage, not all control, and each reader needs to determine what that is. I understand how people without control issues would find this book to be ridiculous, but for a woman who is afraid to trust an inherently good man with even small things, this book is an eye-opener and a vehicle for healing. So for you readers who realize your need to control your husband is ruining your marriage, give this a shot. The people who wrote the highly critical reviews are coming from a different place, and probably don't have difficulty with inappropriate controlling habits. All I can say is, that as I read this book, I started to relax for the first time in six years, because it was giving me answers I was seeking. I didn't agree in all the details, but the essence was a powerful tonic for me. Much gratitude to Laura Doyle.

51 of 57 people found the following review helpful:

2.0 out of 5 stars Some Right, Some Wrong, October 26, 2004

By 

amorphys (Michigan) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Surrendered Wife : A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace with Your Man (Paperback)

I have read this book twice. I am fairly strong-willed and so is my husband, but we also love each other and defer to each other if the other person is more adamant about their preference in a given situation. We have been together for 5 wonderful years.

Some of the advice given in this book is indeed correct and I have been doing it since long before I read this book. But some of it is simply wrong, or too extreme. Here are some examples of the good and bad:

-Express your desires: good
-Ask for help: good
-Don't take responsibility for everything, but allow your partner to be responsible for a lot, too: good
-Focus on the positive attributes of your partner: good
-Express appreciation for what your partner does: good
-Don't insist on making all the decisions: good
-Don't assume your partner is incompetent: good
-Don't point out mistakes that are obvious: good

-Never tell your husband your opinion on which method of doing something is better: bad
-Never ever give your husband advice--even when asked: bad
-Never criticize anything about your husband ever: bad
.....(However one should learn to give constructive criticism gently and only when necessary).....
-Force yourself to trust your husband without any evidence that he is trustworthy: bad
.....(However one should certainly give one's partner the chance to earn trust before assuming he/she is untrustworthy. A real chance, not a test rigged against him/her that he/she cannot ever pass).....
-Even if you know your husband's action will lead to inconvenience or negative consequences, do not ever tell him, but let him suffer the consequences and learn from them on his own: bad
.....(This one is especially disrespectful! By doing this, you assume that he is only capable of learning through experience, like a child or an animal, rather than having the adult ability to learn through abstract reasoning based on 2nd-hand information).....
-Responsibility for finances should always be held by the husband: bad

Well, this is a sample of some of the advice given in this book. Like I said, some of it is obviously good advice, and just common sense really. But some of it advocates dishonesty not only with your husband, but with yourself as well. Luckily I have a husband who appreciates my good judgement and is genuinely interested in my opinions (as well as my desires and tastes), just as I appreciate his judgement and opinions. We had a good laugh together over some of the silly things in this book.

To be fair, though, some of the extreme or silly advice in this book might be the only way for some women to stop nagging and criticizing. I mean, if your only choice is between a huge negative (being a mean, controlling, overcritical, unloving wife) and a smaller negative (withholding many of your good qualities, dishonesty)--if you are simply NOT CAPABLE of anything else, then I guess you have to choose the smaller negative.

Or, if your husband is incapable of receiving and utilizing any kind of advice or constructive criticism, but you decide that his positive qualities outweigh this particular immaturity, then choosing to follow all the advice in this book might be your only option.

228 of 270 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Look Beyond the Feminist Manifesto and Choose Happiness, October 18, 2001

By 

Sarah (Texas, USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Surrendered Wife : A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace with Your Man (Paperback)

For those women who have actually read this book (not just the back cover) and still find fault with its overwhelmingly simple premise-that of respecting your partner in life-I can only suppose that complete control is more important to them than happiness.

To be sure, reading the book and following through with Doyle's suggestions require courage. I'll admit that I bought the book on a lark, since its title and wildly differing reviews intrigued me-but, as I read through the first chapter I began to realize that I wanted what Doyle promised; I wanted happiness and fulfillment in my relationship, and I wanted my partner to adore me. Yes, the prospect of relinquishing control over my partner was uncomfortable and even frightening, but the final payoff was so much more appealing to me that I decided to follow through with the rest of the book.

Careful reading through this book reveals no mention of "submitting," and Doyle is careful to mention that no woman should ever surrender to an abusive husband or one who is in the grip of an addiction. But, this aside, the chances are that your husband is a worthwhile and loving man who deserves to be treated the way you want to be treated-with trust and respect. I accepted this premise by reasoning that it didn't reflect well on me and my own judgment if I had chosen to be with a man who was untrustworthy and incapable of making his own decisions-and so much so that I had to take over the management of his life.

What Doyle means when she says to "surrender" is to let go of unnecessary control over your husband's life. It does not mean to relinquish control of your own life to your husband. In fact, by giving up the day-to-day hassle of micro-managing your husband's life, you should find that you have abundant time and energy to devote to your own decision-making, self-care, and happiness.

This is what I discovered when I began to surrender in my own relationship. I am fortunate-as many women in this country are-to be with a wonderful and loving man who is also imperfect and frequently makes decisions I consider to be ridiculous. In surrendering I decided I would no longer criticize his choices, but instead trust his ability to make his own decisions and learn from whatever mistakes he might make. This is why Doyle advocates telling your husband, "Whatever you think" instead of imposing your own opinion on him. You are not accepting his decisions about his own life and his opinions simply because he is a man, but because he is a human being and the person with whom you have chosen to spend the rest of your life.

I have read the entire book three times, and as a result of putting its principles into practice, I have found that my partner has become the dream-man that always wanted-attentive, loving, thoughtful. As for the excess time and energy I now have since I've given up the full-time job of managing my partner, I can now put that into more important activities, like my work (I am currently working toward a Ph.D. in astrophysics-who says smart, independent women don't surrender?) I find that I am no longer chronically dismal and anxious, and the result of this is that the time my partner and I spend together is now relaxed, spontaneous, and lots of fun. He has also started doing all the little things I always wanted him to do-notice my appearance, leave me little love-notes, and give me precedence over his friends and other activities. If my choice is between "equality" and being treated like a goddess, I'll take the latter.

I'm surprised at one of the common complaints about this book-its simplicity. No book can hope to be all things to all people. Doyle understands this principle of successful writing, focuses her argument, and allows others to extrapolate. Further, her simplistic style of writing (which I find a Godsend compared to the type of stuff I'm forced to read in my profession) makes it a joy to read-and far more accessible to a wide audience of busy women than an academic treatise on traditional gender roles. It is sheer intellectual snobbery to suppose that the insight and life experience of a woman are diminished by the fact that she writes clearly and doesn't hold an advanced degree.

Another complaint regards the inapplicability of Doyle's principles to problems one encounters in life, like the death of a family member or disabilities. Principles are something to guide us through difficulties. That aside, I'm not even sure why the death of a family member or a disability would excuse a woman for regularly mistreating her husband anyway.

As for the financial power-base of a relationship, Doyle is not advocating that all financial decisions be made by the husband. She merely suggests to wives that they let their husbands manage the monthly headache of paying the bills and balancing the checkbook. If handing over money hassles to another person means transferring the power-base of the relationship, then somebody had better warn all those CEOs who rely on accountants to manage their finances for them.

I've yet to hear one plausible reason for why this book or the ideas in it are dangerous to women in any way-the hostility and resentment are generated by fear and fear alone. Those with the courage to look beyond the feminist manifesto (which does not speak for all women) and simply give up the notion that you can have complete control AND happiness will find that they have the latter in abundance.