Customer Reviews

The Surrendered Wife : A Woman's Spiritual Guide to True Intimacy With a Man

5 star:		(96)
4 star:		(23)
3 star:		(17)
2 star:		(17)
1 star:		(49)

 

 

As a recovering control freak, I loved this book, and am putting into practice, with modification, many of the author's suggestions. As a professional woman with my own business, I need to tweak Laura Doyle's suggestions regarding turning over finances, so that my husband and I find a financial arrangment which works for us. What Laura Doyle is basically suggesting is giving up inappropriate control in marriage, not all control, and each reader needs to determine what that is. I understand how people without control issues would find this book to be ridiculous, but for a woman who is afraid to trust an inherently good man with even small things, this book is an eye-opener and a vehicle for healing. So for you readers who realize your need to control your husband is ruining your marriage, give this a shot. The people who wrote the highly critical reviews are coming from a different place, and probably don't have difficulty with inappropriate controlling habits. All I can say is, that as I read this book, I started to relax for the first time in six years, because it was giving me answers I was seeking. I didn't agree in all the details, but the essence was a powerful tonic for me. Much gratitude to Laura Doyle.

I have read this book twice. I am fairly strong-willed and so is my husband, but we also love each other and defer to each other if the other person is more adamant about their preference in a given situation. We have been together for 5 wonderful years.

Some of the advice given in this book is indeed correct and I have been doing it since long before I read this book. But some of it is simply wrong, or too extreme. Here are some examples of the good and bad:

-Express your desires: good
-Ask for help: good
-Don't take responsibility for everything, but allow your partner to be responsible for a lot, too: good
-Focus on the positive attributes of your partner: good
-Express appreciation for what your partner does: good
-Don't insist on making all the decisions: good
-Don't assume your partner is incompetent: good
-Don't point out mistakes that are obvious: good

-Never tell your husband your opinion on which method of doing something is better: bad
-Never ever give your husband advice--even when asked: bad
-Never criticize anything about your husband ever: bad
.....(However one should learn to give constructive criticism gently and only when necessary).....
-Force yourself to trust your husband without any evidence that he is trustworthy: bad
.....(However one should certainly give one's partner the chance to earn trust before assuming he/she is untrustworthy. A real chance, not a test rigged against him/her that he/she cannot ever pass).....
-Even if you know your husband's action will lead to inconvenience or negative consequences, do not ever tell him, but let him suffer the consequences and learn from them on his own: bad
.....(This one is especially disrespectful! By doing this, you assume that he is only capable of learning through experience, like a child or an animal, rather than having the adult ability to learn through abstract reasoning based on 2nd-hand information).....
-Responsibility for finances should always be held by the husband: bad

Well, this is a sample of some of the advice given in this book. Like I said, some of it is obviously good advice, and just common sense really. But some of it advocates dishonesty not only with your husband, but with yourself as well. Luckily I have a husband who appreciates my good judgement and is genuinely interested in my opinions (as well as my desires and tastes), just as I appreciate his judgement and opinions. We had a good laugh together over some of the silly things in this book.

To be fair, though, some of the extreme or silly advice in this book might be the only way for some women to stop nagging and criticizing. I mean, if your only choice is between a huge negative (being a mean, controlling, overcritical, unloving wife) and a smaller negative (withholding many of your good qualities, dishonesty)--if you are simply NOT CAPABLE of anything else, then I guess you have to choose the smaller negative.

Or, if your husband is incapable of receiving and utilizing any kind of advice or constructive criticism, but you decide that his positive qualities outweigh this particular immaturity, then choosing to follow all the advice in this book might be your only option.

For those women who have actually read this book (not just the back cover) and still find fault with its overwhelmingly simple premise-that of respecting your partner in life-I can only suppose that complete control is more important to them than happiness.

To be sure, reading the book and following through with Doyle's suggestions require courage. I'll admit that I bought the book on a lark, since its title and wildly differing reviews intrigued me-but, as I read through the first chapter I began to realize that I wanted what Doyle promised; I wanted happiness and fulfillment in my relationship, and I wanted my partner to adore me. Yes, the prospect of relinquishing control over my partner was uncomfortable and even frightening, but the final payoff was so much more appealing to me that I decided to follow through with the rest of the book.

Careful reading through this book reveals no mention of "submitting," and Doyle is careful to mention that no woman should ever surrender to an abusive husband or one who is in the grip of an addiction. But, this aside, the chances are that your husband is a worthwhile and loving man who deserves to be treated the way you want to be treated-with trust and respect. I accepted this premise by reasoning that it didn't reflect well on me and my own judgment if I had chosen to be with a man who was untrustworthy and incapable of making his own decisions-and so much so that I had to take over the management of his life.

What Doyle means when she says to "surrender" is to let go of unnecessary control over your husband's life. It does not mean to relinquish control of your own life to your husband. In fact, by giving up the day-to-day hassle of micro-managing your husband's life, you should find that you have abundant time and energy to devote to your own decision-making, self-care, and happiness.

This is what I discovered when I began to surrender in my own relationship. I am fortunate-as many women in this country are-to be with a wonderful and loving man who is also imperfect and frequently makes decisions I consider to be ridiculous. In surrendering I decided I would no longer criticize his choices, but instead trust his ability to make his own decisions and learn from whatever mistakes he might make. This is why Doyle advocates telling your husband, "Whatever you think" instead of imposing your own opinion on him. You are not accepting his decisions about his own life and his opinions simply because he is a man, but because he is a human being and the person with whom you have chosen to spend the rest of your life.

I have read the entire book three times, and as a result of putting its principles into practice, I have found that my partner has become the dream-man that always wanted-attentive, loving, thoughtful. As for the excess time and energy I now have since I've given up the full-time job of managing my partner, I can now put that into more important activities, like my work (I am currently working toward a Ph.D. in astrophysics-who says smart, independent women don't surrender?) I find that I am no longer chronically dismal and anxious, and the result of this is that the time my partner and I spend together is now relaxed, spontaneous, and lots of fun. He has also started doing all the little things I always wanted him to do-notice my appearance, leave me little love-notes, and give me precedence over his friends and other activities. If my choice is between "equality" and being treated like a goddess, I'll take the latter.

I'm surprised at one of the common complaints about this book-its simplicity. No book can hope to be all things to all people. Doyle understands this principle of successful writing, focuses her argument, and allows others to extrapolate. Further, her simplistic style of writing (which I find a Godsend compared to the type of stuff I'm forced to read in my profession) makes it a joy to read-and far more accessible to a wide audience of busy women than an academic treatise on traditional gender roles. It is sheer intellectual snobbery to suppose that the insight and life experience of a woman are diminished by the fact that she writes clearly and doesn't hold an advanced degree.

Another complaint regards the inapplicability of Doyle's principles to problems one encounters in life, like the death of a family member or disabilities. Principles are something to guide us through difficulties. That aside, I'm not even sure why the death of a family member or a disability would excuse a woman for regularly mistreating her husband anyway.

As for the financial power-base of a relationship, Doyle is not advocating that all financial decisions be made by the husband. She merely suggests to wives that they let their husbands manage the monthly headache of paying the bills and balancing the checkbook. If handing over money hassles to another person means transferring the power-base of the relationship, then somebody had better warn all those CEOs who rely on accountants to manage their finances for them.

I've yet to hear one plausible reason for why this book or the ideas in it are dangerous to women in any way-the hostility and resentment are generated by fear and fear alone. Those with the courage to look beyond the feminist manifesto (which does not speak for all women) and simply give up the notion that you can have complete control AND happiness will find that they have the latter in abundance.

I suspect that the angry, sometimes fearfilled reactions to this book come from those who have not read it. A thorough read of the book deals with the misconceptions that riddle posting on this page. The title is extremely misleading and does not mean submitting to husbands. The book takes a wife's perspective, but could easily be applied to anyone who is in a relationship that is defined by a power struggle. The premise is that to end the struggle, stop trying to control your parter. If your partner is a decent and good person (which they probably are), they will react in kind and exceed your expectations. (If they are not decent and continue with abuse or infidelity, she recommends getting the heck out. Fair enough.)

It is too easy to read the title and skim the idea and come to the conclusion that the book is telling women to let their husbands dominate them, that conclusion is wrong. The book is a non-academic study of how women take part in this "cold war" like power stuggle and how to go about turning the relationship around by ceasing hostilities. This is not submitting, this is taking a higher stand in good faith.

The title is unfortunate, but then again, if it was given a less controversial title, I may never have stumbled across this wonderful book. I have no doubt that books that speak to husbands and couples will follow as a natural evolution of these ideas.

I was desperate for intimacy in my marriage. I thought I had married the wrong man. I was depressed. After reading this book, I realized that my husband was not the problem - I was the problem, and that the reason our marriage was at an all-time low was because I was really a controlling person in every way - I barked orders at my husband all the time, controlled household improvement projects, told him how to drive, how to dress, when to send his mom a birthday card, what our social schedule was... I controlled all the conversations, finished his sentences, talked to him like a child! This is just the tip of the iceberg of the control I had over the marriage. Bottom line is that I believed that I was the smarter one, the better one, the more mature one... no wonder he began spending most of his time in the garage, far away from me!

What this book taught me is that, to create greater intimacy in a marriage, you need to surrender control of things and give some of that back to your husband.

It doesn't mean that you lose control altogether... in actuality, you really gain freedom, because you are not responsible for everything and anything. The book teaches you how to take care of yourself FIRST, to allow your husband to manage things such as the finances (this is hard to reliquish control of, but the freedom you get in return is priceless!), to allow him to have greater responsibility of the children, to take more control of household duties, etc., etc. - basically all the things you're always nagging him about! Surrendering these things lets your husband know you trust him, lets him know that you have confidence in him. Because he knows this, he is secure with himself, and more likely to take more responsibility... More than that, his happiness leads to your happiness... which leads to greater intimacy!

I can honestly say that the $10 I spent on this book has helped me to recognize areas in my life where I need to surrender control. In just a few weeks, I can see a difference. Believe me, I was just as skeptical as you may be while reading this... but give it a try! If I can commit to this, YOU can too! The book is easy to read, and I got through it in just a few days.

In a nutshell, giving up control of everything gives you the freedom to enjoy life more fully, as an individual, and as a wife!

Ordered this after seeing author on Dateline. Very skeptical because I am a feminist and a psychologist--surrender is a loaded term. Reading it helps me understand what my husband meant when he said he was afraid of me--me, a small, demure and calm person! Have just started to apply her suggestions,the tension in our home is dropping and I'm getting affection that has been missing for a long time.And best of all--I do not feel diminished in any way--treating my husband with the same kind of respect I expect makes me feel better about myself. I feel more optimism than I have in the last 15 years with 5 different marriage counselors.

I really enjoyed reading this book. It is well written and a must read for every wife who wants more from her husband. Being surrendered might sound offensive to some women but it's really about trusting and allowing your husband to give you what you want. If you can't trust and respect your husband, why did you marry him? I think Mrs. Doyle's ideas are very insightful and worth checking out. Most men want to please their wives. If your husband is not doing all that you want him to do maybe it's because you're trying to change him. Why not change yourself and let go. "The Surrendered Wife" gives you lots of helpful suggestions. Give it a try. Your husband might just surprise you at how loving and giving he can be. It's already working for me.

Read this book, and 10 pages into it, you will feel as if you have been sitting around all afternoon watching 50's sitcoms. Boyfriend's ego bruised by your ability , girls? Just pretend you aren't nearly as good at math, baseball, woodworking, bullying, etc... whatever male domain you have dared to tackle, and that boy's ego will be so gratified, he'll want YOU to be his special girl.

Ugh.

Ms. Doyle's adult version of help for the love-lorn reads something like this: Scene one: That wonderful man you married not grown-up enough to realize that marriage is a partnership, not a mother-son realationship? Pretend you are unable to fulfil any given task. Why, 2 or 3 weeks later, he will finally realize that that mysterious filthy stinking pile of graying material sitting in the bedroom chair is his UNDERWEAR, not the cat. He asks you plaintively why it isn't laundered. You say calmly, "I 'can't' (a Doyle "magic word") wash it." Hubby looks shocked, dashes over to the chair (wearing only his t-shirt 'cause he has no clean underpants) and immediately sets off to the basement to cheerfully wash, dry and fold his foul undies. An hour or two later, having regained his feeling of masculinity that you previously shrewishly stripped from him by ASKING instead of MANIPULATING him, he eagerly chases you down to share an intimate memory with you , thereby saving your marriage.

Scene two: Your finances in lousy shape? It's your fault because you have emasculated your husband by daring to have your say in handling the household budget. Simply hand every thing you earn over to your down-trodden hubby. Tell him you "can't" do it anymore. Cuddle up to him and sexily whisper in his ear the amount of weekly allowance you will need to survive. Cheerfully, every week he'll give you that amount, (if you're lucky, and you have acted especially feminine lately, maybe more!) His testosterone levels will begin to surge instead of slush! Three weeks later, he'll get a $20,000 raise. This saves your marriage and enables you to buy that monster SUV that hubby has been craving.......... even though you hate SUV's. Just say, "Whatever you think, big, strong dear!"

Scene three: well, you get the idea. This book is insulting to both sexes. Insulting to women, because we are essentially told that we are responsible for mens' lack of willingness to do their part in the marriage. Insulting to men, because it assumes they are the willing, immature dupes of a woman's wiles. I would have taken this book much more seriously if it had dealt with both wives AND husbands learning to treat one another with the respect and dignity they both deserve. As my darling husband said, both partners in a marriage should treat one another with the same display of good manners as they would a guest in their home. I think that says it all.

Although it's easy to have a knee-jerk reaction to the title, try to be open minded, there is a lot of value in this well-written book. Doyle promotes women being the boss at work and equal pay for equal work. This book is specifically about women trying to find intimacy in marriage, based on her experience. The author clearly states that surrendered does not mean submissive or silent. A surrendered wife cleanly expresses how SHE feels and what SHE wants instead of trying to control her husband. Surrendering is coming to terms with reality--that YOU are the only one YOU can change. Doyle gives practical tips and tools for replacing critical, controlling, or nagging behavior with respect, trust and gratitude. (Criticism does have a chilling effect on intimacy.) Like the serenity prayer says, God grant me the courage to change what I can(me), to accept what I cannot change(him), and the wisdom to know the difference (between him & me). If you are interested in finding more intimacy in your marriage (remember the man who wooed you and you married?), take the challenge to read TSW, and really listen and think about these ideas. Note: If your spouse is an alcoholic, a drug/gambling addict, physically abusive or incapable of being faithful, Doyle doesn't advise surrendering.

There seems to be some confusion over the content of this book. Please note: The word "surrender" refers to surrendering CONTROL over your husband's personal views, not submerging your own views or submitting to your husband's views; and, although universal spirituality is briefly addressed, neither Christianity, nor any other religious groups, are pushed.

I was sure before I read this book that I had no control issues with regard to my husband. My husband has often complimented me on how much fun I am, how mutually compatible we are, and we both felt we had the 'perfect' marriage. Of course, we had angry discussions and uncomfortable disagreements every once in awhile...what married couple doesn't? How shocked I was when I bought this book out of curiosity to find that, through reading stories of other women's marriages, my efforts to be "right" no matter what, was rather unflatteringly exposed. To realize that most of the disagreements we had off and on were about what I saw as his 'incorrect' behavior/ideas and my 'correct' behavior/ideas.

Sound familiar?

If so, then this book will no doubt benefit you and your marriage. That's the basic premise of this book; to learn to LET GO of unconsciously trying to control aspects of your husband's life that are not your business to try and control.

I saw a couple in Costco recently that I positively cringed over. Apparently, they had missed picking something up on one of the aisles, and she was pointing and directing her husband in a loud, annoyed, abrasive manner. "Over THERE! LOOK AT ME! Don't you SEE WHERE I'M POINTING??!!" She all but added the word...."Idiot!" Her husband looked briefly at her, simply sighed in resignation, and started off toward the area she had pointed to. He looked none too happy. I felt sorry for him.

If my husband ever spoke to me, especially in public, in a manner as embarrassingly rude as this woman had just spoken to her husband, I'd be absolutely furious and hurt. Rightfully so. And if he continued to treat me that way, I would eventually end the marriage over his appalling lack of respect towards me. All my friends would agree with that he was a total jerk and all of society would support my position as the "emotional victim".

Yet, many wives treat their husbands this way frequently and nobody seems to notice or care.

My husband is certainly grateful and happy over the positive changes in our marriage relationship and so am I.

Guess what? I do have the right to run my own life, but not everyone else's too. So do you.