Customer Reviews

Surrendering to Marriage: Husbands, Wives, and Other Imperfections

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This is a book that appeared on Oprah, and to a certain extent the message of this book is similar to that of another Oprah-lyte, Dr. Phil, who says "Would you rather be right than happy?"

Krasnow is not arguing that you surrender to your husband or make yourself subserviant. Krasnow simply recognizes that people are imperfect, and that a marriage is simply a pair of two imperfect people. My take-away from from her stories is basically that people in marriages need to answer the question: What mountain do you want to die on? If your husband doesn't fold the clothes like you asked him to, is that worth making your life miserable? Is it worth letting that problem snowball into larger problems, like beliefs that he doesn't respect you or your needs? Is it worth letting unfolded laundry and uncapped toothpaste lead ultimately to divorce?

The best story in the book is Krasnow's own: she is leaving to go to the store, and asks her husband to do a few chores while she is gone. On her way back from the store, she works herself up into a fury, knowing he hasn't done the chores. When she gets home, she sees the chores were started, but stopped, and can't find her family. She finds her husband and four boys in the playroom making a tower out of ALL the Lego blocks. She notes she had two choices: Be ticked that he didn't do what she expected, or be grateful that he was such a good father. She chose the grateful option, and went and folded his clothes- a chore she hated to do because she thought she was teaching her sons that "wives fold the laundry."

The primary basis for her argument is that perfection is problematic. First, high expectations cause problems because they can never be met- and we bemoan our fate when we are dissatisfied because those expectations weren't met. Second, YOU aren't perfect, and if you leave a marriage, you will still have problems in your next marriage because you brought you with you.

There are some topics that will make your eyes widen into saucers. The discussion of people who are serial adulterers and whose spouses stick with them springs to mind. But again- it really is a question of what mountain you want to die on- and those wives decided not to die on Adultery Mountain. Krasnow even seems amazed and somewhat shocked by a woman who can stick with a man like that (I didn't really get, as another reviewer did, that it was an *endorsement* of lying and cheating- it was just an example of how some people are willing to hang in there through the worst).

The book is sort of a "one note" topic, basically arguing the same thing over and over again. It is a quick read, but the theme is constant throughout- it's probably better in the long run to stick with your husband (esp. if you have children)- and to just change your expectations and see him for who he is and what he does bring you. Stop being so bloody angry that he isn't living up to your expectations, and see the truth and benefit in him and his contribution to your marriage. It's not supposed to be marriage bible and I don't think Krasnow's intention is to get you to adopt everything in it. It's just a perspective on marriage that's worthy of consideration. I'm getting married in 6 months, and I'm very glad I read this book- and I think I'll have fewer Mountains of Death from now on.

Having counselled many individuals in turbulant relationships over the years, this book will certainly be recommended reading to those looking for self-help material. The author is quite correct in saying "being married happily-ever-after doesn't guarantee we get to be happy."

Couples need to let go of the fantasy world they have created for themselves. As children, little girls were read fairy tales of the prince who would whisk his princess off to a beautiful castle where they would live happily ever after. Little boys, too, were read stories of the strong, fearless warrior who would conquer the world and ride into the sunset astride a gallant, white horse. Alas, that is the world of fairy tales and fantasy, but it is far removed from the real modern-day world.

Too many couples live with the expectations of their childhood. They are in love with what they want love to be. The only constant in life is change. There will always be periods of joyful bliss but there will also be obstacles to overcome and times of pain and sorrow. The ups and downs, joys and sorrows, successes and failures are all part of the journey through this world; they ARE our life. Half the battle is accepting each other for who we really are; accepting the strengths and weaknesses, and realizing you cannot change the other people, you can only change yourself. This book has a way of making the reader see the importance of, rather than working against each other, working together to overcome life's challenges. Share the laughter, but also be prepared to share the pain and sorrow, and life's obstacles. I highly recommend this excellent self-help book; the author offers some very wise suggestions on how couples can let go of the fantasies and misconceptions, and strengthen their relationship in a realistic world.

Readers should know from the start that author Iris Krasnow does not use the word "surrender" to mean some meek, subservient resignation to marriage. She is writing instead of a brave, strong acceptance and commitment to marriage, which may also entail a surrendering of old myths and beliefs about romance, marriage and even personal fulfillment (if that fulfillment comes at the cost of the marriage and family). I enjoyed reading about her personal struggles as well as those of the couples she interviewed and found it refreshing that she was honest enough to admit that she once thought of marriage as a bad thing --- but no longer does. I found myself nodding my head in agreement with much of what she wrote and it certainly expanded my own view and reaffirmed my own belief that marriage, while imperfect, can also be deeply rewarding and fulfilling. Make no mistake- this isn't a book that glosses over the difficulties or the pain of marriage and it isn't a book that says staying married is easy (it often isn't, as most longtime spouses can attest). But it is a book that looks honestly at marriage and at couples from all walks of life and all levels of the commitment spectrum - from those who've hung in there to those who've left to build new lives - and at the challenges faced in those marriages. If you like books that tell it from a personal point of view and are also realistic and honest, this is a great read. If you're married, I'd say it should be at the top of your "to read" list. If you're considering divorce, read this one first. It may not change your mind but it will definitely help you to clarify your position and beliefs.

I have been married for 14 years this september and though my husband is a wonderful man, I have questioned durring our marriage why we are still together becuase all the butterflies flew away so long ago. Though he is a good man, I felt guilty for feeling this way. A friend recommended "Surrending to Marriage", and I have found it to be so realistic and so full of trueth, that I was amazed that I was not the only woman (person) out there that has the feelings I was having. Surrendering to Marriage has really taught me that love is a choice and yes it is a lot of work. But that the butterfly's are only an emotion. There are so many divorces now becuase of the samethings I was feeling: Where are those butterfly's? This book tells true stories and since I have been reading Surrendering to Marriage I have found a new and deeper love and appreciation for him. Times change, People change, and yes even love changes, but we can fall in love all over again. I would recommend this book to anyone who is having a difficult time, or for anyone who is even thinking about leaving, or leaving there spouse for another. Let this book talk to you. It will have you embraced with trueth and logic.

If you're newly married or still in the romantic phase of your relationship, don't bother reading this book. Instead, buy it and tuck it away for the day that will inevitably come: When you feel frustrated, angry, or disillusioned.

This book changed my attitude toward marriage. We don't have a perfect relationship because we are neither of us perfect. Krasnow helped me to see that the best thing we can do for marriage is to be truly committed to remaining in it. Instead of living with one foot out the door, I'm much more willing to work through problems and accept the things that aren't likely to change. It's caused me to put more effort into making things better whenever I can because the result is worth the sacrifice.

Sure, the book may be "one-note," as other reviewers have mentioned, but that's a pretty powerful note: Once you give up the idea that your marriage is disposable or replaceable by something better, you can take comfort in the permanence of your relationship and focus instead on making it work.

This is a great book for newly engaged, newly married or those married 10 20 30 years. Have been married since 1966 and can attest to the authors wisdom, as far as giving readers a wake up call.

It would seem that what she writes is simply common sense, but sadly common sense seems terribly lacking these days. Especially in an era when couples and women in particular (in my opinion) have bought into the myth that you can have the fantasy marriage, family and perfect kids. When what the author says so well, is that we need to start to buy into the reality that marriage is much more than the Brides magazine layouts and the mythological Ozzie and Harriet.

She basically says, what I have always believed, and how we live our own marriage, that it is remembering that it is the vows of "for worse" "in sickness" "for poorer" and simply taking it one day at a time and realizing that this is a partnership between two unique people with their own needs and interests.

That when we marry we are bringing our pluses and minuses into a union but that the other person cannot rescue us from our past or cure problems we had before we married.

It is a book that I personally believe every public library should have, and that everyone can benefit from, since everyone comes from or knows someone who is married.

I am relieved that someone actually had the guts to write about their imperfect marriage. I think it helps to know that there are others that contemplate ending it all out of boredom or frustration. I was inspired by the stories of others and will work harder to make myself happier, thereby creating a more happy marriage and home. I spoke to a newlywed today who saw Mrs. Krasnow on TV and thought the book topic to be B.S. This book does not necessarily speak to the newlywed or younger marriage when they are "playing house". It speaks to those of us married 8-10-20 years or more who feel that perhaps the grass is greener. Iris has said what Irma Bombeck has said for years, the grass is always greener over the septic tank. She has said it with self deprication of her own marriage and humor and tears.

I groaned when my sister gave me this book. First of all, I don't wish to surrender. Second, what can be said that is new. I understand we're imperfect, that relationships are imperfect, that in fact, the best marriages are ones where you are at peace with how you are each imperfect. As I started reading, I thought, yes, but I already knew that. I also resent recent books that imply that if a woman just accommodates her husband everything will be fine. That makes my hair stand on end. But as I continued reading I started learning some things many of them through the choices recounted in the personal stories in the book. These are the kinds of stories your friends and family will never cop to regarding their own lives. You really get a look under the hood at the mechanics of many marriages. You get to see what decisions were made, why they were made and how the person feels about what they decided (To stay or To go, that is the question!).

I have learned the behaviors or symptoms associated with a collapsing marriage. There are markers up well before a marriage fails. There is a choice before the Stay or Go choice.
As most other people, I'm dealing with a unique complexity that isn't discussed in the book. However, I understand that if we just ignore it, hide from it, wish it away our marriage will eventually collapse under the burden of that form of neglect.

There is a more subtle choice that occurs before the big Stay or Go choice. But you must recognize that the road you are on is heading toward the Stay or Go place. Recognizing yourself even a little in some of these stories will help you get a feel for where you are headed and that you might want to take some action to change your course before you get to that destination where you never intended to be when you said I do.

I appreciate much of what Iris shares in this book, including the notion that being happily married, doesn't mean you are always happy. However, I think she does a disservice in discouraging the pursuit of a blissful relationship by simply stating they don't exist (they do -- tens of thousands of couples would attest to it). While we shouldn't see ourselves as failures if we don't consider our marriage "blissful", neither should be surrender to trying -- not by changing others but by changing ourself when needed and also being satisfied at being imperfect.

This is really a good book, in all other aspects. A few other recommendations would be The Romantic's Guide, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff in Love and The New Intimacy.

The bulk of this book is devoted to the subject of cheating on your spouse, contemplating an affair or leaving your marriage to be with a lover. So if you are thinking of two-timing your partner or divorcing to be with someone else, this book may help you avoid making either of these very bad decisions. But if you are merely struggling with the fact that your husband or wife is driving you crazy and want to find out how to improve marital relations, you may want to search elsewhere. There are several situations noted in the book that most married persons can relate to and it is good to hear that other couples have the same issues, but I wasn't satisfied with the overall content and focus of the book.