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4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Deeply moving, July 4, 2008
When she was in college, Comfort Shields met another student named Ben, a man who'd been in the navy and only returned to school at age 24. They began a relationship and fell in love. Eighteen months later, Ben killed himself. This memoir details their relationship alongside Comfort's struggle to survive herself, to grow and learn from the experience, and forgive herself, with which she still struggles. I wasn't sure I was going to like this book when I heard about it. My brother passed away when I was nineteen, and I avoid the subject of death far more than the average person my age. It's still too close to me. I took a chance, and I'm glad I did. Comfort's struggle is oddly empowering for her and for the reader, whom she has chosen to allow into her world. This beautiful memoir succeeds as both a story of her grief and her recovery and as a tribute to Ben, who struggled so much himself. Shields writes well and clearly, telling us her story in a way that makes her sympathetic while making it clear that she doesn't expect any. Despite the difficult subject, the book isn't hard at all to read and is in fact engrossing. Her struggle and the situation is clearly sad, but it is focused on the positive, not the negative. It is a book full of hope and memories. The reader watches as the relationship between Ben and Comfort is strained by his mental illness, even though they so obviously love each other and she tries so hard to keep them together. The parts when they were falling in love were extremely touching, knowing the outcome of the relationship, experiencing this dual journey. I found the most poignant and important lesson that Comfort learned is that she could not control the life of anyone else. She could not have saved Ben; it was out of her hands and she did the best she could. She discovers this over and over again throughout the course of her life, and not only is it true for her, it's true for us all. Her journey is inspiring and I can imagine it giving hope and help to not only people whose loved ones have killed themselves, but to anyone who has lost someone and does not know where to go next.
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
A beautifully written, unusually honest and highly intellectual memoir, June 4, 2008
This review is from: Surviving Ben's Suicide: A Woman's Journey of Self-Discovery (Hardcover)
I have spent the last five years looking for a memoir written by someone who had survived his or her partner's suicide, and when I found SURVIVING BEN'S SUICIDE by C. Comfort Shields I felt a huge relief. At last, someone had broken through the silence and shared a highly intelligent, intellectual, sobering, eloquent, and at times even witty reflection on what it feels like to survive a lover's suicide. Comfort Shields writes with honesty and raw feeling about her passionate love affair with Ben, a fellow college student at Sarah Lawrence College. Their relationship became complex, as she became more and more aware of Ben's mental illness (he was diagnosed as bi-polar at one stage and borderline later), which culminated in his taking his own life by driving from Washington D.C. to Maine and shooting himself in the head. This act devastated the author, and it took her fifteen years to fully tell the story of the remarkable journey of learning to love and trust herself and others again. She went on to get a graduate degree from Oxford University. She married and had children. Surviving her college love's suicide permeated all of the milestones in here life and who she became. For her, the past and the present were inseparable. Part of the strength of the book is the interweaving of past and present, which Shields pulls off beautifully. I read SURVIVING BEN'S SUICIDE in the course of one day, because it was impossible to put down. By the end of the story, I felt as though I had actually taken the author's journey with her and I am wiser after that experience.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
A must read if you have mood swings, July 14, 2008
Comfort Shields shares her painful feelings connected with her boyfriend's death in Surviving Ben's Suicide. The book does not give general information and statistics about suicide or depression. Rather, it is a compilation of memores pondered over with the hope of gaining understanding. Much of the book details pleasent memories of a college romance, which most of us can relate to. At first, Ben seemed so wonderful, however, hints of a dark side became apparent after Comfort looked at events from the perspective of years. As is typical when someone close to us commits suicide, the author wrestles with heavy questions: Why did it happen? Could I have prevented the act? What made me be attracted to such a person? Is there something wrong with me? Comfort recalls and sometimes agonizes over conversations, interactions, and other observations from the past. Writing this memoir enabled the author to grow past the experience. In the end, she concludes that she will never know the real answers to her questions, but that she has to just move on with life. The book is well written; once one begins reading it, one can't put it down. The book can be particulary useful to several groups of people. Of course all people who have been through a similar experience will realize that they are not alone with their questions and preoocupations. But another group who might benefit greatly are those who have mood swings--those with clinical depression or bipolar disorder. Often these people contemplate suicide, but fail to realize how deeply their death will affect others. This book shows that a person is affected for a long time when a friend takes his/her own life. Maybe by reading this book, people will think twice about the option of suicide. Suicide is common, but it is not easily understood. Ben was treated by a number of doctors and with a variety of medications. Our medical profession was unable to save Comfort's boyfriend. In the end, Comfort discovered that we can not always solve life's mysteries. At times, we just have to let go and move on. It is painful, but remains the only alternative. Epictetus once said, "It is not things that disturb people but their judgements about things." The author with her searching and speculating has found some good in the awful event of Ben's suicide. In the end, she wrote that she came out with more strength and tenderness. At times Comfort seemed to blame herself, but on the other hand, just maybe, Ben's time with Comfort may have been the the best time of his life. We want to think that we can say magic words to save someone from depression, but maybe no such words exist. Maybe some depressions can not be helped. If the doctors with their arsenal of powerful drugs could not help Ben, what makes a person think she can do better. But we still try. Thank God we still try. Jim S
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