Customer Reviews

Surviving Ben's Suicide: A Woman's Journey of Self-Discovery

5 star:		(6)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

When she was in college, Comfort Shields met another student named Ben, a man who'd been in the navy and only returned to school at age 24. They began a relationship and fell in love. Eighteen months later, Ben killed himself. This memoir details their relationship alongside Comfort's struggle to survive herself, to grow and learn from the experience, and forgive herself, with which she still struggles.

I wasn't sure I was going to like this book when I heard about it. My brother passed away when I was nineteen, and I avoid the subject of death far more than the average person my age. It's still too close to me. I took a chance, and I'm glad I did. Comfort's struggle is oddly empowering for her and for the reader, whom she has chosen to allow into her world. This beautiful memoir succeeds as both a story of her grief and her recovery and as a tribute to Ben, who struggled so much himself. Shields writes well and clearly, telling us her story in a way that makes her sympathetic while making it clear that she doesn't expect any. Despite the difficult subject, the book isn't hard at all to read and is in fact engrossing. Her struggle and the situation is clearly sad, but it is focused on the positive, not the negative. It is a book full of hope and memories.

The reader watches as the relationship between Ben and Comfort is strained by his mental illness, even though they so obviously love each other and she tries so hard to keep them together. The parts when they were falling in love were extremely touching, knowing the outcome of the relationship, experiencing this dual journey.

I found the most poignant and important lesson that Comfort learned is that she could not control the life of anyone else. She could not have saved Ben; it was out of her hands and she did the best she could. She discovers this over and over again throughout the course of her life, and not only is it true for her, it's true for us all. Her journey is inspiring and I can imagine it giving hope and help to not only people whose loved ones have killed themselves, but to anyone who has lost someone and does not know where to go next.

I have spent the last five years looking for a memoir written by someone who had survived his or her partner's suicide, and when I found SURVIVING BEN'S SUICIDE by C. Comfort Shields I felt a huge relief. At last, someone had broken through the silence and shared a highly intelligent, intellectual, sobering, eloquent, and at times even witty reflection on what it feels like to survive a lover's suicide.

Comfort Shields writes with honesty and raw feeling about her passionate love affair with Ben, a fellow college student at Sarah Lawrence College. Their relationship became complex, as she became more and more aware of Ben's mental illness (he was diagnosed as bi-polar at one stage and borderline later), which culminated in his taking his own life by driving from Washington D.C. to Maine and shooting himself in the head. This act devastated the author, and it took her fifteen years to fully tell the story of the remarkable journey of learning to love and trust herself and others again. She went on to get a graduate degree from Oxford University. She married and had children. Surviving her college love's suicide permeated all of the milestones in here life and who she became. For her, the past and the present were inseparable. Part of the strength of the book is the interweaving of past and present, which Shields pulls off beautifully. I read SURVIVING BEN'S SUICIDE in the course of one day, because it was impossible to put down. By the end of the story, I felt as though I had actually taken the author's journey with her and I am wiser after that experience.

Comfort Shields shares her painful feelings connected with her boyfriend's death in Surviving Ben's Suicide. The book does not give general information and statistics about suicide or depression. Rather, it is a compilation of memores pondered over with the hope of gaining understanding. Much of the book details pleasent memories of a college romance, which most of us can relate to. At first, Ben seemed so wonderful, however, hints of a dark side became apparent after Comfort looked at events from the perspective of years. As is typical when someone close to us commits suicide, the author wrestles with heavy questions: Why did it happen? Could I have prevented the act? What made me be attracted to such a person? Is there something wrong with me? Comfort recalls and sometimes agonizes over conversations, interactions, and other observations from the past. Writing this memoir enabled the author to grow past the experience. In the end, she concludes that she will never know the real answers to her questions, but that she has to just move on with life. The book is well written; once one begins reading it, one can't put it down.

The book can be particulary useful to several groups of people. Of course all people who have been through a similar experience will realize that they are not alone with their questions and preoocupations. But another group who might benefit greatly are those who have mood swings--those with clinical depression or bipolar disorder. Often these people contemplate suicide, but fail to realize how deeply their death will affect others. This book shows that a person is affected for a long time when a friend takes his/her own life. Maybe by reading this book, people will think twice about the option of suicide. Suicide is common, but it is not easily understood. Ben was treated by a number of doctors and with a variety of medications. Our medical profession was unable to save Comfort's boyfriend.

In the end, Comfort discovered that we can not always solve life's mysteries. At times, we just have to let go and move on. It is painful, but remains the only alternative. Epictetus once said, "It is not things that disturb people but their judgements about things." The author with her searching and speculating has found some good in the awful event of Ben's suicide. In the end, she wrote that she came out with more strength and tenderness. At times Comfort seemed to blame herself, but on the other hand, just maybe, Ben's time with Comfort may have been the the best time of his life. We want to think that we can say magic words to save someone from depression, but maybe no such words exist. Maybe some depressions can not be helped. If the doctors with their arsenal of powerful drugs could not help Ben, what makes a person think she can do better. But we still try. Thank God we still try.


Jim S

After finishing this extraordinary book, I went back and read in C. Comfort Shields' acknowledgments that she thanks several authors with whom she has studied, including the British poet, Jamie McKendrick. And I know from reading her memoir, that she did her graduate work at Oxford in social anthropology. This immediately tied everything together for me, because what sets this book apart is not only its profundity, but also the beauty of the writing, which approaches poetry in certain passages. The prose is economical, which further adds to this. As most of us know, it is far harder to write something so powerful with fewer words than with more.

What moved me most about Shields' book was the unique structure, which reminded me of A River Runs Through It. In fact, revisiting my copy of A River Runs Through It, I was struck that some of the text in that book could also speak to Shields' story:

"So it is...that we can seldom help anybody. Either we don't know what part to give or maybe we don't like to give any part of ourselves. Then, more often than not, the part that is needed is not wanted. And even more often, we do not have the part that is needed." "It is those we live with and love and should know who elude us."

The symbolism of memories through prose that interweaves through time works masterfully in Surviving Ben's Suicide. And the insights that Shields shares with us so gently, yet expertly--of being able to trust others again, only after releasing the pursuit of control over others and learning to trust and forgive oneself--are profound. These are insights that relate to us all.

Surviving loss. Comfort Shields' story about surviving and living again after the suicide of her boyfriend is deeply personal and poignantly honest. Suicide is devastating, leaving loved ones bereft and with unanswered questions. Human life is frail, but as Comfort comes to understand, we are only responsible for our own actions and decisions. As much as we love another, we can only do so much to help them on their life journey, and the final decisions are up to each individual. Her story will reach out and touch many suffering along the same path.

"A month after Ben died, days and nights were long. I tried to fill them with early morning walks on the beach and early evenings of painting in the garden. At night, when I could not sleep, my mother and I would sit on my bed for hours talking about life, death, ghosts, and Ben. But every morning I looked at the phone on my bedside table, knew that Ben would never be on the other end, and felt a deep void that I thought would never go away."
("Surviving Ben's Suicide" pg 1)


As for what this book is about, the title pretty much explains it all. It opens with a preface from the author. She explains how when Ben died she searched for books on how to deal with losing a significant other to suicide, and came up empty. And when she began to write her own story, how many encouraged her to write it as fiction. I admit that the words flow so well that they seem like they are fiction. I'm drawn into the story, and then have to shake myself as I realize, "Oh wait, all of this really did happen."

Perhaps my favorite parts of the book are the descriptions. Shields clearly has a way with words as she describes Ben. It is heartbreaking to read in the beginning, as she describes crumbling up a wildflower that Ben had picked and saved, only to moments later try to scrape the dust back into the envelope the flower was originally in.

Since I've never been in the same position as Shields, I cannot say whether or not this book would be helpful after the suicide of a loved one. But I thank her for sharing her experience, and I would hope that this book, would be a comfort to those going through the same thing. See the customer discussion for my interview with C. Comfort Shields.

(Originally reviewed for "Kathleen's Book Reviews")

Fifteen years ago Comfort's boyfriend, Ben decided to end his life. This may seem like the end but really it is just the beginning for Comfort. Read her story about life, helping people, encouragement, and empowerment in Surviving Ben's Suicide. When Comfort first met Ben, she thought he was very cute. Ben was in the Navy. As Comfort and Ben's friendship turned into a relationship, things were going good. They would spend their time together just talking about life as well as how much they liked each other. There was something about Ben that made him unique. He liked to run at night in addition to carrying on deep conversations in the middle of the night. But I think this is what made Ben so special. Even though he was ill, Ben seemed to be so much wiser beyond his years. It was a sad tragedy when Ben took his life.

Surviving Ben's Suicide was the first book I have read on this subject matter. So I didn't know what to expect or how I would feel. What I can tell you is that this was a very beautiful, well-written, and heart felt book by Mrs. C. Comfort Shields. I give Mrs. Shields so much credit for going through what she did and coming out of this situation strong. She not only tried to make sense of what happened but she also was able to write this novel so that others may cope as well as know they are not alone. I don't know what else to say about Surviving Ben's Suicide other than amazing. This book will touch you in so many ways but in a good way.