Customer Reviews

Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

5 star:		(44)
4 star:		(9)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(3)

 

 

As a 37-year old woman who has lived with a borderline mother since birth -- but who did not know it until recently -- this book is outstanding. When I read this book I kept saying to myself "how do they know that?", because what the authors write is exactly what happens - taking onboard all the negative self-misperceptions that result from a BPD mother's twisted idea of acceptable child raising, living with a mother who is incapable of emotional warmth and the subsequent fallout for children in terms of insecurity and the "am I going crazy?" dilemma, and the "jekyl and hyde" nature of BPD in terms of outsiders never knowing or accepting how crazy and chaotic life inside the home really is. This was a difficult book to read, yet compelling reading. For the first time in my own life I felt understood for what I suffered as a child of a BPD mother -- and that's AFTER a couple of years of therapy (which was very helpful). This book, however, is even better than therapy. It achieved in one week what therapy did not achieve in two years -- it validated my experience as real, and I realised I am not alone. There are many, many other adults who have suffered the same fate -- and survived.

If you have, or suspect you have, a BPD mother, read this book. Read it now. I'm not saying it will be easy to read, but you will not regret it.

Excellent book! After 50 years and a graduate education in psychology, I couldn't see the reality of my own (step) mother. Once I suspected, I ordered this book and couldn't put it down. My copy is full of underlining, side comments and sticky-notes. Chapters are easy to follow and include information, respect for one's own experience, and tools for making changes when you're ready.
The book helped me to deal with my sense of guilt and over-responsibility, especially now that my parent is terminally ill. There's a fabulous quote in the book: "I feel sad that my mom is suffering, but I also know that she is the only person that can do anything about it, and she chooses not to . . . I won't allow her to inflict her suffering on me anymore, either."
The book includes a realistic, not syrupy, discussion of forgiveness, as well as tools for "grief, acceptance, and overcoming guilt." This book contributed significantly to my ability to take my life back and conduct this difficult relationship on my own terms. Sort of a midlife rite-of-passage.

I gave up on highlighting the pertinent passages in this book - every word of it applied perfectly to my realtionship with my mother. This book gives you the validation you probably never had, and gives solid, practical ways to overcome the effects of growing up with a BPD parent. The examples sited in the book could have been lifted from my journal. It was tremendously healing and empowering to finally learn that the behavior I endured as a child is actually part of a mental illness, and that I/we are not alone anymore. I cannot express effectively how much peace this book brought to me. You will not be disappointed.

Wonderful & Practical!!!!!

Kimberlee and Freda's book draws on the insights of previous books concerning people in relationship with those who have borderline personality disorder. Having read this wonderful and very practical book, I can see why Randi Kreger wrote the forward.

As I read this book, I saw a very good but non-technical theme throughout the book. The term is never used, but the issue of co-dependency is addressed. Also, the way out is clearly outlined.

While written for adult children of parents with bpd, I see two more audiences to benefit from this book.

First, the children of those with this personality disorder who still live at home can benefit from this book. If used wisely by the non-bpd parent and/or the therapist of the family's children, it could help them greatly.

Second, those whose mother-in-law or father-in-law have this disorder will find practical help here in dealing with very challenging 'toxic in-laws.' Thank you very much for writing this book.

Sincerely,

John

As the grown child of a woman with BPD, I am forever grateful
to the authors of this book for shining a spotlight on this
mystifying, tragic, devastating disorder....

Like many of the case studies cited in this book, my own mother
behaved quite normally (and acted quite lovingly) toward me from
my birth until about the age of four....


Then -- only intermittently at first -- her paranoia and rages
began.



She started telling me that I hated her(???!)

....She told me that she could "see it in my face"....

....And that and that she wished she could "throw me back"
(like a dud fish that's been caught, I guess.)

....Or that she could "lock me in a cage," (like the
despicable creature I was to her, I suppose.)



She began looking for signs that I was "betraying" her, or
"sneering" at her behind her back.... She would study my
facial expressions and vocal inflections INTENSELY, looking
for any excuse to explode....

And (God help me!!) if I slipped up and allowed myself the
luxury of a NEUTRAL facial expression (instead of a continuous
smile), or did not answer her with a properly "enthusiastic"
voice, there would be HELL to pay.


By the time I reached the age of six, my life had BECOME a
living hell.... With no way out....

(My dad, by the way, was an extremely passive man (...he had
been severely abused himself, as a child, by a domineering
mother...), and he offered NO resistance to my mother when
she would target me for abuse.)


* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *


I'd like to say a word, here, if I may about the subject of
"compassion"....


While I truly DO feel sympathy for my mother (and the horrific
psychological abuse she suffered herself as a child), I do NOT
feel empathy toward her....

In my view, it is FAR too lenient to say, "well, she simply
couldn't help herself," because she COULD.


My mother could turn her rages and sadistic behavior on & off
like a light switch.... She would INSTANTLY become "normal"
the moment ANOTHER PERSON entered the room....

(....another person, other than my dad, that is....)


* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *


This element of SELF-CONTROL is THE overlooked piece
of the puzzle when studying BPD, in my opinion....


People who "suffer" from this disorder KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
THEY'RE DOING when they behave in a sadistic manner....


....And they possess the evil genius not only to HIDE it
in front of other people, but to actually CONVINCE others
that THEY, THEMSELVES are the "helpless victim" of the
person whom they are targeting for such unspeakable abuse.


* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *


If you're a grown child of a BPD parent, my love and best
wishes go out to you....


....You are a "war veteran" in EVERY sense of the word,
and your psychic landscape no doubt looks something like
downtown Fallujah!!


Take care of yourself, and stay strong.

My mother has BPD and the past six years have been the worst. She's alcoholic and IV drug abuser and her behavior has ripped my family to pieces. I have a brother and sister who are much younger than me and are still right in the middle of this family crisis. This book along with "Understanding the Borderline Mother" have helped me to gain some sort of control over my life. I've learned to look at her behavior as an illness and I now know that it's not my fault and that I have a right to live a happy life even if that means not having a relationship with my mother at all. I now know that a family is built around love, faith, kindness and genorosity and not manipulation, lies, drugs , sex and violence. I'm trying to pass all of this information on to my younger siblings in hope that they realize that they're not the problem either. This book is an absolute must read for anyone that has a parent with BPD.

Not sure what was wrong with my relationship with my mother, but suspecting BPD, I read this book in 2 days. It is the only book I've read that offers practical advice for dealing with difficult people, especially the overbearing, moody, and negative parent. This book was my saving grace and I have given it to friends who also have difficult family members. I can't say enough about the positive change this book has brought, helping me create boundaries and be able to communicate effectively and respectfully. It has also helped me, as a borderline mother myself, not make the same mistakes my mother did.

I am a 39 year old woman who has been living with confusion about my childhood all of my life. This book is exactly what I've needed, I wish I read it 20 years ago. Reading the stories of other survivors has been so healing. My feelings are normal, as far as having grown up with a mother with BPD! I can't say enough about how much this book means to me!!!

This book helped me to realize that I am not alone. I understand now exactly why I have unexplainable feelings of guilt, and also why I have trouble managing anger. My mom certainly has many borderline traits, and though she is as yet not diagnosed with BPD, this book has helped me to realize she needs help recovering from her self-compromising behavior.

This book was very helpful to me as an adult child of a borderline parent. It gave me validation, the secure sense that I was not going crazy through all this time of the tough experiences in this relationship with my mother. Reading the book was like I had told someone what I went through and they were talking to me about it. The exercises are very practical if you have the time to follow them. The only suggestion I would have for the authors would be a set of recommendations for how to connect with other family members who are not "target" of the BPD behavior. Another aspect that would be helpful is to how to help a sibling that is going through this challenge, overcome the difficulties a BPD parent can cause to them and how they see life. Despite these two things not being part of the book, it is still a great work, a quick read, and understanding of where the adult child of a borderline parent is coming from. Also helpful for spouses of the adult children, to better understand them.