Surviving Ophelia: Mothers Share Their Wisdom In Navigating The Tumultuous Teenage Years [Hardcover]

Cheryl Dellasega (Author), Cheryl Dellasega Ph.D. (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: September 18, 2001

Raising a teenage girl can be frightening and overwhelming for the most important female figure in her life: her mother. From handling the often delicate situations surrounding academic performance, athletics, friendships, sexual activity, and drug and alcohol experimentation to instilling (or restoring) a healthy body image and providing a strong role model, mothers often feel alone in their struggle to find ways of coping with all that they must do for their daughters. To provide the community that these women so desperately crave-and all that comes with it: the guidance, the solace, the inspiration, and the hope -Cheryl Dellasega has written Surviving Ophelia, a book of profound wisdom and compassion. Dellasega's own story of raising her teenage daughters is punctuated by the collective experience of hundreds of other mothers, from all walks of life, who have been there or are there, in the trenches, experiencing and chronicling the daily joys and trials of raising their teenage girl. Enlightening, heartfelt, and hopeful, Surviving Ophelia is a must-read for "Ophelia's mother."To find [this book] is like an answer to a prayer. I've had a hard time finding someone who understands what I'm going through, and knows the kind of pain a mother feels when her child is hurting herself."-Jane, Reno, Nevada"This is for all the mothers who sat at coffee break with their peers passing pleasantries while trying to sedate their feelings…[of] anger, rage, disappointment (sadness)…. While they share information on Ivy League colleges their children will be attending in the fall, I just pray that my daughter stays alive."-Lori, Detroit, Michigan"The realization stung me as if I'd been slapped hard across my face: I'd been betrayed. My seventeen-year-old daughter Sara had lied to me, and, in needing to believe her, I lied to myself."-Amanda, Albany, New York"It's always assumed you want your kids to walk in your footsteps. For me, it's the last thing I wanted. I raised my girls to be everything I was not: outgoing, brave, bold, and independent."-Sandra, Marblehead, Massachusetts"As the mother of an anorexic, I have spent the past four years reliving the choices I have made in my life, searching to find the cause of my daughter's life-threatening illness."-Carolyn, Amherst, Massachusetts

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Surviving Ophelia by Cheryl Dellasega, a clinician at Penn State's College of Medicine and a mother of three, provides a community for mothers who, like she, have the often bewildering and unnerving task of raising a teenage girl (an Ophelia) in trouble. By describing her own heartbreaking experience and compiling the stories and poems of hundreds of mothers across the country, Dellasega paints a picture of lost teenage girls and their mothers' fights to save not only their relationships, but often their daughters' lives. The book succeeds because the mothers describe distressing times candidly and openly, not in hushed tones often used when relaying deep family issues.

In response to Mary Pipher's bestselling Reviving Ophelia, these mothers share their thoughts and feelings on a multitude of topics including eating disorders, fitting in, depression, institutions, rebellion and boundaries, the absence or presence of fathers, and the "crazy soup emotions" of love, anger, and frustration. Surviving Ophelia is evidence that each teenager's situation is unparalleled, and Dellasega does not offer any finite solutions to the tumultuous teen years. Instead, the author and mothers provide parenting ideas, from the practical to the radical, and measure their own success and failure. In one letter titled, "Tears from a Rose," mother Rose states, "What I do for a living, what my real name is, and where I live seem irrelevant. What defines me is the hell I've lived through, and what I've learned along the way... I'd like to help other parents avoid some of the traps I fell into and find some of the helpful things I discovered."

The end of this book provides an appendix where mothers can find help for themselves and for their troubled daughters. It also includes letters from some of the mothers' daughters. These Ophelias describe challenges from their own points of view and share how they're feeling currently. --Rhonda Langdon

From Publishers Weekly

If there were any doubt that Mary Pipher's 1994 bestseller Reviving Ophelia spawned a virtual cottage industry about teenage girls at risk, the latest Ophelia-related title by psychologist Dellasega (a clinician at Penn State's College of Medicine) lays it to rest. The book follows close on the heels of Ophelia's Mom (Forecasts, June 25), Nina Shandler's response to her daughter Sara's 2001 bestseller, Ophelia Speaks. Both Dellasega and Shandler have chosen to use Sara Shandler's approach and collect various essays, but while Nina Shandler structured each chapter of her book around specific problems, such as drugs or school, Dellasega chooses a more sprawling, conversational approach. Her chapters discuss the types of responses that out-of-control daughters elicit in their mothers, from special mother-daughter moments to explosive anger and regret. Despite the uneven quality of the selections (they range from thoughtful to clich‚d), they share a raw immediacy that may help other moms. In fact, Dellasega credits some of the pieces with giving her the courage to send her daughter, Ellen, to a "wilderness program" to overcome anorexia. Like the mother who penned the excerpt "Tears from a Rose," the contributors are women who have tried to do their best, even when that wasn't always enough. "What happens when you do everything as right as you can, and it all goes wrong?" she questions. Interwoven throughout are Dellasega's ongoing concerns about Ellen, now 17. While it's obvious that the author wrote the book to overcome her struggles with her own teenager, there are lessons here that will help every mother dealing with an adolescent daughter.

Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 256 pages
• Publisher: Da Capo Press (September 18, 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0738205087
• ISBN-13: 978-0738205083
• Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.3 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.1 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (8 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,374,388 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Last 24 years=Mom
Last 23 years=wife
Last 20 years=Professor (Humanities and Women's Studies at Penn State University)
Last 5 years=author of NF books for women
Last 4 years=founder of Club and Camp Ophelia

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

14 of 14 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Releif to Know I Am Not Alone, May 6, 2002

By A Customer

This review is from: Surviving Ophelia: Mothers Share Their Wisdom In Navigating The Tumultuous Teenage Years (Hardcover)

What an extraordinary book! I received this book in the mail when the pain over my 17 year old daughter leaving home, for no apparent reason, had just reached the "unbearable" stage. Through tears, I read the entire book within 24 hours. Before reading "Surviving Ophelia", I felt like the only (parenting professional) mom in the world who has poured 110% into my daughter only to suffer the ultimate pain. The question is always, "Why?" While my daughter is out in the world putting herself in harms way, I stand in the "gap" of, "Nothing we can do, she's 17." This book provided a blatant dose of solace, links to some tangible help and yielded some sense to a senseless situation. In essence, sometimes it's not about the child. Sometimes it is not about the way we parent. Sometimes there is no pat answer and no one to blame. I think any mother who is going through a rough time with her adolescent daughter can learn, and grow, and find strength in the words of "Surviving Ophelia." If you are looking for psycho-babble and parenting advice this is not that kind of book. If you are looking for good reading, mature insight and a bright ray of hope, this book passes many parenting books by a mile.

14 of 15 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Many Mothers share insight & their personal stories ..., September 23, 2001

By 

Bernadette A. Moyer (Lutherville, MD USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Surviving Ophelia: Mothers Share Their Wisdom In Navigating The Tumultuous Teenage Years (Hardcover)

Many mothers share their insight and their personal stories on raising teenage daughters. Cheryl Dellasega has created a book that allows mothers across the country to share their own personal challenges on raising teenage daughters.
You will read about anorexia, dishonesty, vulnerabilities, crisis intervention, boundaries, love, survival and so much more. Cheryl's book is a gift and like many gift's it was born of pain. She reveals much of herself and her own struggles with her teenage daughter Ellen. Ellen writes a piece in the end as to where they are now. Her portion brought me to tears as her relationship with her mother remains intact.
Many other mothers were not so lucky some have lost their daughters to death others to estrangement. The underlying sense from all mothers is of love and wanting to do their best even when faced with situations they find themselves ill prepared. Raising a daughter with difficulties can push an otherwise proud mother into isolation. Isolation from her peer parents. Mothers tend to take their daughters difficulties on as though they have failed. This book gives you a sense of community, a book that allows mothers to feel less isolated.
Congratulations Cheryl, you did it! My own written contribution appears in Chapter 14 titled "Ophelia: With and Without Fathers." Well researched and well written for any/every mother of a daughter.

Ten years later and the stories are still relevant. The mother-daughter relationship is said to be the most complex and complicated of all relationships and can offer the greatest rewards and the most gut wrenching of challenges.

10 of 11 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars a must read for all moms with teen daughters, October 17, 2001

By 

Kimberly Wells (Shreveport, LA USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Surviving Ophelia: Mothers Share Their Wisdom In Navigating The Tumultuous Teenage Years (Hardcover)

This collection of narratives by moms with "troubled" daughters should definitely be on the bookshelf of every mom with a girl... even if she isn't yet "in trouble." The relationship between mothers and daughters has always been complicated, and you'll find if you search the internet, what Dellasega says about there being no community for women to exchange their experiences is true. There are plenty of places for parents to ask questions and share experiences about toddlers, and pregnancy, but it's like the communities disappear as soon as the real trouble starts.

This book, as well as Dellasega's website, which you can find in the book's notes (which I found out about through an online discussion of her book) try to create a community (both online and off) of moms' and daughters' voices for those who need it, and those who might someday need it. And how will we know we need it, until it's too late? Read this book now...