Customer Reviews

Swamp Zombies

5 star:		(0)
4 star:		(0)
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2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

I always want to give small-time filmmakers credit for at least trying, but after a string of lower-than-low budget zombie flicks (Quick & The Undead, Zombiez, Day Of The Dead 2: Contagium and Legion Of The Dead just to name a few), I beg the question: when will the madness end??

We all know the classic zombie formula: lifeless corpses + strange expriement gone wrong = the rampaging undead. I just wish that the directors would also pay attention to a little something called pacing. I'd much rather see 70 minutes of a tight storyline than 120 minutes of unnecessary scenes and useless dialogue. Also, the acting. How do those performances EVER make it to print??

It's snickers and giggles straight to the end. The real horror doesnt begin until the Special Features. Yes, those taped auditions? Downright cringeworthy. But despite all the doom and gloom of Swamp Zombies, I will say that the fighting sequences were clever and refreshing.

Where do I begin?

1) Acting--pretty bad, a few characters could act, but the majority of the actors were very wooden and unconvincing.

2) The movie views as if someone had a camcorder and filmed it at a nearby forest preserve.

3) Special effects were so-so.

4) A lot of the zombies were "let's wear a white t-shirt and throw fake blood on it." Also, the zombies seems to have different ways to be killed. This one is stabbed in the gut, it's dead. This one is clubbed in the head, it's dead. There was no consistency as to how the zombies died.

5) The plot was okay; it's been awhile since i've seen a "mad doctor" trying to reanimate the dead.

6) Nudity--boobs and butts were in abundance. None of it really helped the plot along or was really even necessary, but who cares?

7) The best thing about the movie was (i have two answers):
a) when it was over, and b) the artwork on the DVD case.

The movie had a good premise and that's about it. I think the producers simply did not have the necessary funds to make this movie better than it was; mediocre at best. (Maybe they wanted it to be campy, but even campy costs money) I have viewed many a zombie movie in my day and have seen some people make an excellent low budget indie movie with little or no money.

This movie was put out by Brain Damage films and brain damage is what you'll end up with if you watch this movie.

1.5 out of 5

The DVD case synopsis wherein I've take parenthesis liberties to paraphrase what could still turn out to be a fairly lengthy review about this movie:

"A chief physician, (with the smallest office in chief physician history), at a large metropolitan hospital, (that apparently only serves twenty-something males with massive, fatal facial injuries), is formulating a serum, (no science to speak of), to resurrect recently deceased, (as in twelve of them died right around the same time - must have been a bus accident), patients. When his facility comes under inspection from the Federal Government, (and the receptionist refers to the inspector as being from, "The Federal Government"), the good doctor is forced to dispose of the patients, (weakest mafia connection in mafia connection history), as quickly as possible, even though he doesn't know if the serum will be a success. Little does he know, (trite), the serum works and the test subjects begin to rise from the shallow graves of the, (random), swamplands. It will take a select few, (a cast size approaching Braveheart in numbers), to try to stop the wrath of the Swamp Zombies, but can they stay alive while doing it?"

This movie baffles me. It's a low-budget film, obviously, but the proprietors of the project actually went for big air and pulled in some minor celebrities. The result just came across as an oddly executed one to me. I found myself contemplating the reasons why the adult film star, Jasmin St. Claire, handed out the best performance in the movie. And I'm not being sarcastic. She was the only person in this film that seemed to hold any weight with her dialogue. I've never seen her previous work, but I'm assuming, now, that she must have had a few conversations with dishwasher repairmen in front of a camera before stepping on board with this director. So, for what it's worth, you're now able to gauge whereabouts the glass ceiling for this movie is concerning its acting. The woman who has sex for a living walked away with the trophy. Everyone else was horrible. Lines were walked on left and right, and it seemed to me that the director was making a lot of speeches about how long he'd rented the camera for, and that they were only getting, "one shot at this, so get it right!". Pretty rough gig, this one.

As far as the zombie element goes, it worked out okay. Like I mentioned before, 99% of the undead were rocking some pretty substantial face-rip. So, you end up with a hoard of look-a-like zombies with bluish, rotted faces, and the normal hand and arms of your standard run-of-the mill white guy. Not that you expected much to begin with, but there you go.

The violence was pretty low-key, actually. There's a review on the cover of my DVD case that boasts a movie with gore. I didn't see much of that, but the last movie I watched before this one was, "Redneck Zombies". This pales in gore-comparison. So do the special effects. The blood is pretty watered down, the flesh wobbly synthetic. One notable shrug came towards the end of the movie when one of the agents puts down a female zombie with a shot to the head. One scene she's laying down, the next is a close-up of her forehead. A weird close-up. She has a hole in her head with a sort of o-ring cone base and it's shooting what appears to be a weak laser out of it. I think it was supposed to be squirting CGI, but it failed so hard that she came out looking like a wounded cyborg.

There's also some martial arts, and by, "some", I mean everyone in this town knows the same wheel-kick. But don't laugh. This particular wheel-kick can kill a zombie. (I shouldn't make too much fun, though. The fighting was kind of fun to watch.)

There's nudity scattered throughout this film, even in the end credits. It's a weird set up, though. Jasmin St. Claire gets bare in the shower, with alarmingly fake looking breasts, and that's it for the pro. The rest of the movie is filled with some sloppy chest shots that only the truly starved will appreciate. And I don't mean to offend the actresses that exposed themselves in the name of, "art", but it just came off as tasteless and desperate. Not a fan.

The music was awful. Uneventful metal tracks written by the thick and interjected in their entirety so you're forced to listen to them. It was torture.

I think my least favorite part of this movie, however, was its length. It's two hours long, which is completely unnecessary. There are dozens of conversations in this movie that didn't need to take place because they were poorly written and contributed nothing to the cause. Nothing at all. Just irrelevant banter between people that you're waiting to see die. What else is there with a low budget film? Cut the crap and deliver the blows. Shorten it to about 70-90 minutes and this may be a good time, but I kind of doubt it.

In the end, it's just another forgettable zombie film with a couple bonus points for real fight-scene efforts.

I'd rent it first.

- t -

For an independent low budeget zombie movie, it was still better than Day of the Dead 2.