Customer Reviews

And a Sword Shall Pierce Your Heart: Moving from Despair to Meaning After the Death of a Child

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The loss of a child isn't a taboo topic, but it's certainly one that we as parents really do not enjoy talking about. After my aunt lost her 20 year old daughter, I was forced to face the topic head-on. Because of this, I've learned to look at my son in a new light. Every mundane moment turns into a Kodak moment. Every smile, every milestone, every laugh and even every cry is something I want to treasure. The thought of losing him is gut-wrenching. You think it won't happen to you, but as I've seen first hand, no parent is safer than the next because death has no age requirement.

Charlotte Mathes lost her son and as she describes in And a Sword Shall Pierce Your Heart, parents tend to reach out to every source possible to find others who have experienced the same loss. Mathes' book is an excellent resource, helping to fill the need of reading and learning about other parents and their losses, and to learn if there is any truth behind the assumption that over time, the pain from the loss of a child subsides and if it really does it gets easier to live each day without that child. The book is written from the perspective of a certified Jungian analyst whose personal knowledge of a mother's grief adds the necessary ingredient of honesty for those coping with the loss of a child.

As Mathes explains early in her book, C.G. Jung was a Swiss psychologist who theorized that mankind shares innate psychological patterns. These patterns, coined as Archetypes, repeat over cultural divides, both symbolically and literally. The Archetypes aid in the explanation of the process that takes place after the loss of the child. Not just the process of moving forward in life, but also the process of grief. Mathes' connection between these Archetypes and the people and feelings involved after a great loss provide a foundation for understanding the feelings and emotions involved. For example, Mathes explains when a child dies, the foundation of our beliefs can crack and crumble. As parents we expect to die before our children and when this seemingly structured part of life is broken, it is almost impossible to grasp on to something solid. Everything that was assumed about the common structures of life has then been turned around. The theory of Archetypes and the continuity, natural existence and flow of these patterns gives a grieving mother something to reach out and hold on to when the flood of emotions begin to become overwhelming.

And a Sword Shall Pierce Your Heart is broken down between different types of deaths, from sickness and long-term illnesses, to sudden and unexpected deaths. Each type of loss is connected to Archetypes and is then tied to examples of the various Archetypes throughout history and over many different cultures. Through personal accounts from other grieving parents and Archetype examples, Mathes provides the needed and sought after knowledge to a grieving parent. A parent's grief and mourning process is entirely their own, and rightfully so. However, they are not alone, as other belong to this exclusive "club" of those who've lost children. Others have walked the grieving path before them, and in a very familiar way.

The second part of And a Sword Shall Pierce Your Heart covers aids to help a mourning parent continue to move forward in life. Many of a grieving parent's needs are included in this portion of the book. While still using the identification of Archetypes, Mathes offers the reader a choice of activities and processes that can be used to heal and reflect. From journaling and creative writing to prayer and transformation, Mathes' aids cover the outer shell and inner layers of a grieving parent's embodiment. Another great addition to the book is an extremely useful appendix with references to various forms of historical accounts, movies and music that may also lend aid in the mourning process.

When searching for help after the death of a child, And a Sword Shall Pierce Your Heart makes an excellent choice for grieving parents. Additionally, it is also a practical resource for someone who is affected by another person's tragic loss. In my own personal experiences, it has been difficult to know what to say or what not to say to another parent grieving over the loss of their child. It may be impossible to identify with such a great loss when you haven't experienced the same kind of loss. By reading And a Sword Shall Pierce Your Heart, a better understand of the mourning process can be made for those who are not mourning the loss of their own child but want to be able to communicate with and help others who have. From the Archetypes to the actual mourning process and its aids, this book undeniably connects the Jungian theories to the mourning process and turns the darkness of a tragic loss into a pathway to brighter days.

And a sword shall pierce your heart reveals the terrible ordeal of mothers who lost their child in various circumstances and it focuses on ways to reach the light at the end of a very long tunnel. A true jungian analysis of myths, archetypes, and symbols. However and though the author shows great compassion and strong solidarity among mothers, the book overly emphasises religion and especially Christian religions as a means of recovery and consequently many unbelievers may not find the help they expect.

A kind person put this book in my hands when I suffered the sudden, traumatic loss of my 21-year-old son last year. It is written by a psychological professional who has experienced the loss of a child. It is by far the most comforting book of the dozens I have read since the death of my son. The author includes stories of many kinds of child loss, and offers insights into the grieving, mourning, and growth which follow. I am active in grief support work and have recommended the book to many.

I learned of And a Sword Shall Pierce Your Heart through an esteemed colleague and it has offered me comfort in my places of deep loss for as Dr. Mathes has, I, too, have lost a beloved child.

On page 243 Dr. Charlotte Mathes writes, "When we reflect upon what we value, we may begin championing a cause that can change our outer world." This particular nugget of wisdom - in this intelligent and beautifully written book - prompted me to form a group of mothers who have lost children. It was the single spark that ignited my eternal flame to gather up other mothers whose strength to continue on can only be imagined unless one is there personally. Together we will hold one another's sorrow and encourage one another's joy to begin anew. I am naming our group "Mother's Finding Meaning Again." Dr. Mathes has inspired me to take the next step in my journey.

Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S.,CGP, Author
When Every Day Matters: A Mother's Memoir on Love, Loss and Life
(Simple Abundance Press, Oct. 2008)

My dear Charlotte,

Your book is so thorough, so intelligently written, so thoroughly researched (yet so profoundly personal), and so valuable in so many ways, that as I struggle to tell you what I think of it, I scarcely know where to begin!

I must confess that it was not a quick read for me, which I hope will serve to explain what's taken me so long to get back to you. (As I began reading your book, I found the content is so important that I felt compelled to read and digest every word, so speed reading or skimming it was simply out of the question for me. So relevant were your observations and suggestions that I ended up with a dozen pages of notes -- I kept finding certain passages that I wanted to share with so many of my clients!)

Frankly, I wish every bereaved mother would take the time to sit and read your book. Your explanation of the Jungian concept of Archetypes and how some of them define the themes and phases of mourning is both brilliant and, I believe, understandable to the average reader. Your discussion of the different patterns of grief within a family and how we need to cope with them is important and helpful, and your examination of the different causes of child death and the challenges resulting for mothers, fathers and siblings is one of the most thorough I've ever read.

While I found Part One of your book absolutely fascinating, I especially appreciated Part Two, in which you offer so many practical suggestions for coping with conflicting emotions ("cleansing shadow elements"), along with specific, often very creative, ideas to foster healing and transformation.

Your emphasis on so many different ways for mothers to foster continuing bonds with their deceased children is particularly helpful, and certainly in keeping with the post-modern understanding of bereavement intervention that allows for continuing a relationship with the person who died rather than relinquishing those ties. Throughout your book, I am most impressed by your deep appreciation for and careful attention to the spiritual, soul-based nature of the grief journey.

You are an extraordinarily gifted writer, Charlotte, and this is indeed "a very important document that should be taken into the world and shown to the people." I'm glad this Magna Carta was entrusted to you, and I wish you every success in bringing all the comfort, freedom, and feminine wisdom it contains to other grieving mothers.

I am deeply grateful for the opportunity to review your book, and I assure you that I will do everything in my power to let my own clients, colleagues and visitors to my Grief Healing Web site and online Grief Healing Discussion Groups site know about it.

With warmest regards,

Marty Tousley, APRN, BC, FT
Bereavement Counselor

Dr. Mathes wrote straight to my heart. My beautiful son, Ben, died suddenly on June 28, 2009 while on a business trip to England. After substantial sobriety, he relapsed and died of a lethal dose of heroin. I am still reeling inside as is his wife (with their baby), brother, family and friends.

What Charlotte Mathes managed to do with her honest story, told from a Jungian Mother's perspective, was allow me to begin the process of making meaning of the insensible. I am not in the habit of living my life as a victim. Relatedly, I have a strong connection to God. With this, I was able, through her book, to begin to see myself within the company of other mothers who have moved through the same deeply painful passage as myself (mothers like Mary, Isis etc.) and in doing so, honored the truth of the lives of their sons and honored the power of the act of giving birth to indestructable life. Reading this book when I did helped me avoid the terrible trap of self-pity by enlarging my perspective on the very nature of my suffering. Some familiarity with Jungian philosophy would be helpful, I think, in order to surrender to the larger message of Charlotte Mathes' own passage through her awful grief. On the other hand, this book - through the power of sympathetic and honest story (and so without debilitating maudlin sentiment) could empower any soul reading it with peace and then hope.

Jung sad that living with paradox is our greatest challenge. Dr. Mathes demonstrates this well. She has provided a living example of the power of feeling one's own pain as a passage to connection with all suffering and as a way to continue to deepen our loving relationship to our beloved children who have died, and in my case to God. I am grateful to her.

I was searching for a book to give to very good friends of ours who recently lost their son and based on the reviews, I thought this book might be good. Boy was I WRONG. Fortunately I read it (or tried to read it) before giving it to them. I only made it through the first few chapters before I had to throw it away. I guess I'm just not a believer in that jungian psychotherapy psychobabble. Save your money and join them in prayer.