Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love: Relationship Repair in a Flash [Spiral-bound]

Nancy Dreyfus Psy. D. (Author)

Book Description

Release date: December 24, 2009

The most crucial relationship advice book since Men Are from Mars." - Erin Meanley, Glamour.com

A groundbreaking, interactive relationship tool that literally places in the hands of couples the power to transform chronically frustrating relationship dynamics.

We've all been there. A conversation with a loved one escalates into conflict. Voices rise to a fever pitch and angry, accusative words fly through the air. At times like these, it seems impossible to find the magic words that will lead to healing. Enter Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love.

A psychotherapist with decades of experience in counseling couples, Nancy Dreyfus hit upon the revolutionary practice outlined in this book during a couples-therapy session in which a wife's unrelenting criticism of her husband was causing him to become emotionally withdrawn. In the midst of this, Dreyfus found herself scribbling on a scrap of paper, "Talk to me like I'm someone you love" and gestured to the husband that he should hold it up. He did and within seconds the familiar power differential between the two shifted, and a gentler, more genuine connection emerged. Dreyfus was startled, then intrigued, and then motivated to create a tool that could help others.

This elegantly packaged spiral-bound book features more than one hundred of Dreyfus's "flash cards for real life"-written statements that express what we wish we could communicate to the person we love, but either can't find the right words or the right tone in which to say it. The statements include:

*Taking responsibility: "I realize I'm overreacting. Can you give me a minute to get sane again?"

*Apologizing: "I know I've really hurt you. What can I do to help you trust me again?"

*Loving: "You are precious, and I get that I haven't been treating you like you are."

A one-of-a-kind, practical relationship tool, Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love will help couples to stop arguing and begin healing.

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Nancy Dreyfus, Psy.D. is a seasoned psychotherapist and couples therapist. She holds a doctorate degree from Hahnemann University Medical School. She lives in the Philadelphia area.

Product Details

• Spiral-bound: 304 pages
• Publisher: Tarcher; Spi edition (December 24, 2009)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1585427705
• ISBN-13: 978-1585427703
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 0.9 x 8.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (26 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #330,149 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Nancy Dreyfus, Psy.D.,

I'm a psychotherapist, former journalist and teacher and student of metaphysics who started out a self-conscious bookworm in a tense, glamour-oriented household in Metuchen, New Jersey. I used to wonder as a teenager whether there was "some book out there that told you what to say to people." I had little awareness that "relating" required a Self.

As a graduate of The Columbia School of Journalism and prize-winning reporter, I managed this sense of invisibility by crusading for the oppressed. When I was 25, I actually was offered a job expanding this niche at The New York Times...about the same time The Universe offered a competing option: An assignment to write an exposè of a spiritual group gave me an unimagined experience of simply feeling whole. When an admired editor told me I had written something incredibly mediocre, and astonishingly, I felt no familiar diminishment, I promptly left journalism and decided to spend the rest of my life exploring ways to access and sustain the identity that made that possible.

A psychotherapist now for over 25 years, I see myself as a kind of transpersonal scout, helping people let go of external structures that no longer fit and orienting them to what it means to live a life based on their own insides. A phrase I like in this regard is Trust in Being. I'd say that the whole atomic sub-structure of Talk To Me Like I'm Someone You Love is that trusting in one's own Being will automatically optimize relationality.

I believe that human beings are just beginning to learn what it means to be truly human and that we have many different parts--and the trick is to feel these parts without losing our Inner Grown-up. I believe I bring clarity and heart to the growth process,and that my openness about my flaws and limitations serves my clients, students and readers as well as my strengths.

I live, work and do my thinking in Wynnewood, Pennsylvania where I practice walking my talk with the man in my life I now love. http://www.nancydreyfus.com

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

31 of 31 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars From Conflict to Connection Without Years of Therapy February 1, 2010

By Marissa H. McMillin

Format:Spiral-bound|Amazon Verified Purchase

How many times have you heard yourself or someone you know mention that they would die to be in therapy IF only they had the money, their partner would agree to it, they could find someone really good or any other laundry list of excuses? Well, at the risk of sounding hyperbolic, I am going to go ahead and announce that "Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love" is the answer to your prayers.

Dr. Dreyfus offers invaluable lessons that are both insightful and applicable in this book. The premise of "relationship repair in a flash" involves asking the reader to imagine the all-too-familiar moment during a tense conversation or argument with a partner that quickly becomes an emotional downward spiral. Just when you feel as though you've successfully made it to the point of no return, or the point where each of you exhibits your chronic emotionally unhealthy pattern, Dreyfus suggests a way to pause and redirect yourselves back from "conflict to connection." How do we do this? Flashcards! By removing the emotional charge that is carried by voice intonation or body language, Dreyfus finds that the mere act of reading a written message in the midst of such tension is surprisingly powerful. Dividing these moments into nine sections, there are a total of 101 flashcard ideas (she also explains how to come up with your own), each with an incredibly evolved explanation of the psychology behind the message for both the "Sender" and "Receiver" of the card.

So, for example, let's take a look at my current favorite card. "Rather than just criticize me, can you tell me what you want in a more positive way?..." This card is indexed under the "Setting Limits" section and Dreyfus explains that the power in this card comes from the fact that the Sender isn't getting defensive and disagreeing with the criticism, but rather asking for his/her partner to make communicating their desires more important than being a critic. As Dreyfus also explains, many of these cards could easily fit under different categories; to me, this card, when successfully used, could easily "shift gears" (an earlier section of cards). And, wow, finding even one card that speaks to my relationship woes feels so very precious!

In addition to the subject matter, I am impressed by the way Dreyfus articulates HOW to use this book, even addressing what to do when your partner doesn't want to use the cards. I also felt that at first glance the number of flashcards in this book might be daunting, but Dreyfus clearly explains ways to pick up on which cards are relevant to you and your partner. On page 87, she gives away a therapy secret by explaining a fantasy scenario and corresponding line of questioning she goes through with every new client. She quickly gets to the point by saying "I go down this road because I want to know one important thing -- how your early universe related to you when you were vulnerable." This gem of insight has the potential to seem like magic in gaining a new understanding of where your partner is coming from in his/her reactions to intimacy and vulnerability.

For those who are looking for a deeply intellectual book on couples' psychology, as well as those looking for a quick and easy fix for a long-term struggle, this book has it all. Dr. Dreyfus illustrates a language around relationships, both to ourselves and others, that has rarely been this profound or accessible. Bravo! Read more ›

20 of 21 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Tired of the same old arguments? Read this book and learn how to turn conflict into connection! December 30, 2009

By Amanda Owen

Format:Spiral-bound

How often have you wished you said the right words in the right situation at the right time? Someday we may all be so evolved that we won't need any help communicating with the people we love the most. Until then, we are fortunate to have gifted couples psychotherapist Nancy Dreyfus, PsyD. to guide us!

The genius of what Dr. Dreyfus does in Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love, is include user-friendly flashcards. These words and sentences serve as a spoke in a wheel when an argument or misunderstanding is descending down that familiar path of no return.

I love books that provide information that I can immediately apply. Talk to Me is organized into sections: Shifting Gears, Setting Limits, Feeling Vulnerable, Taking Responsibility, Giving Information, Getting Clarification, Apologizing, Loving and Making Up. Multiple flashcards within each of these sections along with suggestions and examples of their use, give you the tools to redirect any argument from conflict to connection.

Some of my favorite flashcards are the following. Just imagine how many arguments would be nipped if you said (or heard) these words! I feel like a total and complete idiot. (from Feeling Vulnerable), I was making a bid deal out of something that just isn't that important. I want to let it go. (from Shifting Gears) and I'm sorry that I've been acting as if everything's all your fault. (from Apologizing).

No wonder Utne Reader chose an earlier version of Dreyfus' book to feature in a cover story: 24 Brainstorms for the Planet.

The author says this book is for the clued-in and for the clueless--making the excellent point that in intimate relationship even the most conscious of us become clueless when triggered by a loved one.... The Flashcards give you the right words for the right situation at the right time. Now all you have to do is use them!

~Amanda Owen, author of The Power of Receiving: A Revolutionary Approach to Giving Yourself the Life You Want and Deserve Read more ›

12 of 12 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Keeping An Open Mind and Open Heart January 19, 2010

By Edie Weinstein-Moser

Format:Spiral-bound

Talk To Me Like I'm Like I'm Someone You Love: Relationship Repair In A Flash
Nancy Dreyfus, Psy.D

by Edie Weinstein, MSW, LSW

What if you had at the ready, a portable tool that could succintly express in writing what you might not be able to say verbally and could have a powerful healing impact on any relationship? In the midst of a heated discussion with a loved one, there are times when we are not at our most eloquent and words slip out that in calmer moments would not escape our lips. Psychotherapist and wordsmith, Nancy Dreyfus, Psy. D has compiled such a guide to healthy interactions, brilliantly entitled: Talk To Me Like I'm Someone You Love: Relationship Repair In A Flash. Having said that, please note that by purchasing this book or giving it to someone in your life, it in no way indicates that the relationship is on the rocks. It has preventive power as well. Just knowing that it is present could have a reassuring effect. Talk To Me Like I'm Someone You Love would make a great wedding or anniversary gift as well as an everyday portable relationship tool.

As a Licensed Social Worker, I have used the ideas from the book in therapeutic sessions with clients and have found them wonderfully successful in calming even the angriest couples. I also incorporate the concepts in my personal interactions and marvel at the results.

The book was born when in a session with a couple, Dreyfus found herself experiencing a sense of counter-transference. It began to feel like she was re-living the dynamics of her family of origin. In a flash, she scribbled the 8 words that became the book's primary title, handed it to the man and whispered for him to hold it up to his wife who, at that moment, was berating him.... It was as if time stood still and their interaction shifted to one that was more healing. Over the course of the next two decades, this book took shape and Dreyfus' accumulated wisdom, gleaned from work with other couples, is now in the 285 pages of text with a few pages in the back on which to write messages in addition to what she offers. There are more than 100 'flashcard' messages that can move through the heart of the matter in nearly every potential conflict, as well as Dreyfus' commentary on each subject. These include:

"When you go on and on like that, I feel invisible to you."

"Even though I've been arguing my position like a crazy person, I can see where your point of view makes sense."

"What can I say that would make you feel understood?"

"I'm sorry if I acted like mine was the only reality."

"I treasure you."

The value in the book goes beyond the words themselves to the way in which it is to be used. In her practice, Dreyfus has discovered that vocalizing words can carry an emotional charge that simply reading them does not. There is no voice intonation, no chance to misinterpret when words are read and not said. Couples are encouraged to have the book handy to use as needed. Granted, it is not the same as sitting in the presence of this gifted therapist, but it is the next best thing to having her in your home.

I love the attitude Dreyfus speaks about with regard to the value of an open heart vs. a closed heart. Dreyfus writes, "the only difference between an open heart and a closed one is that an open heart has opened only one more time than it's closed.....only one more time." This poignant and powerful book will ensure that hearts in your house will open much more quickly

For more information on Nancy Dreyfus, go to [...] Read more ›