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Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love: Relationship Repair in a Flash Spiral-bound – December 24, 2009

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Product Details

  • Spiral-bound: 304 pages
  • Publisher: Tarcher; Spi edition (December 24, 2009)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1585427705
  • ISBN-13: 978-1585427703
  • Product Dimensions: 7 x 1 x 7.7 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1 pounds
  • Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (34 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #493,043 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Nancy Dreyfus, Psy.D. is a seasoned psychotherapist and couples therapist. She holds a doctorate degree from Hahnemann University Medical School. She lives in the Philadelphia area.

Customer Reviews

It's a book I now recommend to all clients and friends, whether in relationship or single.
Barbara Hastings
Talk To Me Like I'm Like I'm Someone You Love: Relationship Repair In A Flash Nancy Dreyfus, Psy.
Edie Weinstein-Moser
And, wow, finding even one card that speaks to my relationship woes feels so very precious!
Marissa H. McMillin

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

35 of 35 people found the following review helpful By Marissa H. McMillin on February 1, 2010
Format: Spiral-bound Verified Purchase
How many times have you heard yourself or someone you know mention that they would die to be in therapy IF only they had the money, their partner would agree to it, they could find someone really good or any other laundry list of excuses? Well, at the risk of sounding hyperbolic, I am going to go ahead and announce that "Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love" is the answer to your prayers.

Dr. Dreyfus offers invaluable lessons that are both insightful and applicable in this book. The premise of "relationship repair in a flash" involves asking the reader to imagine the all-too-familiar moment during a tense conversation or argument with a partner that quickly becomes an emotional downward spiral. Just when you feel as though you've successfully made it to the point of no return, or the point where each of you exhibits your chronic emotionally unhealthy pattern, Dreyfus suggests a way to pause and redirect yourselves back from "conflict to connection." How do we do this? Flashcards! By removing the emotional charge that is carried by voice intonation or body language, Dreyfus finds that the mere act of reading a written message in the midst of such tension is surprisingly powerful. Dividing these moments into nine sections, there are a total of 101 flashcard ideas (she also explains how to come up with your own), each with an incredibly evolved explanation of the psychology behind the message for both the "Sender" and "Receiver" of the card.

So, for example, let's take a look at my current favorite card. "Rather than just criticize me, can you tell me what you want in a more positive way?
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22 of 23 people found the following review helpful By Amanda Owen on December 30, 2009
Format: Spiral-bound
How often have you wished you said the right words in the right situation at the right time? Someday we may all be so evolved that we won't need any help communicating with the people we love the most. Until then, we are fortunate to have gifted couples psychotherapist Nancy Dreyfus, PsyD. to guide us!

The genius of what Dr. Dreyfus does in Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love, is include user-friendly flashcards. These words and sentences serve as a spoke in a wheel when an argument or misunderstanding is descending down that familiar path of no return.

I love books that provide information that I can immediately apply. Talk to Me is organized into sections: Shifting Gears, Setting Limits, Feeling Vulnerable, Taking Responsibility, Giving Information, Getting Clarification, Apologizing, Loving and Making Up. Multiple flashcards within each of these sections along with suggestions and examples of their use, give you the tools to redirect any argument from conflict to connection.

Some of my favorite flashcards are the following. Just imagine how many arguments would be nipped if you said (or heard) these words! I feel like a total and complete idiot. (from Feeling Vulnerable), I was making a bid deal out of something that just isn't that important. I want to let it go. (from Shifting Gears) and I'm sorry that I've been acting as if everything's all your fault. (from Apologizing).

No wonder Utne Reader chose an earlier version of Dreyfus' book to feature in a cover story: 24 Brainstorms for the Planet.

The author says this book is for the clued-in and for the clueless--making the excellent point that in intimate relationship even the most conscious of us become clueless when triggered by a loved one.
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13 of 14 people found the following review helpful By Edie Weinstein-Moser on January 19, 2010
Format: Spiral-bound
Talk To Me Like I'm Like I'm Someone You Love: Relationship Repair In A Flash
Nancy Dreyfus, Psy.D

by Edie Weinstein, MSW, LSW

What if you had at the ready, a portable tool that could succintly express in writing what you might not be able to say verbally and could have a powerful healing impact on any relationship? In the midst of a heated discussion with a loved one, there are times when we are not at our most eloquent and words slip out that in calmer moments would not escape our lips. Psychotherapist and wordsmith, Nancy Dreyfus, Psy. D has compiled such a guide to healthy interactions, brilliantly entitled: Talk To Me Like I'm Someone You Love: Relationship Repair In A Flash. Having said that, please note that by purchasing this book or giving it to someone in your life, it in no way indicates that the relationship is on the rocks. It has preventive power as well. Just knowing that it is present could have a reassuring effect. Talk To Me Like I'm Someone You Love would make a great wedding or anniversary gift as well as an everyday portable relationship tool.

As a Licensed Social Worker, I have used the ideas from the book in therapeutic sessions with clients and have found them wonderfully successful in calming even the angriest couples. I also incorporate the concepts in my personal interactions and marvel at the results.

The book was born when in a session with a couple, Dreyfus found herself experiencing a sense of counter-transference. It began to feel like she was re-living the dynamics of her family of origin. In a flash, she scribbled the 8 words that became the book's primary title, handed it to the man and whispered for him to hold it up to his wife who, at that moment, was berating him.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews

More About the Author

Nancy Dreyfus, Psy.D.,

I'm a psychotherapist, former journalist and teacher and student of metaphysics who started out a self-conscious bookworm in a tense, glamour-oriented household in Metuchen, New Jersey. I used to wonder as a teenager whether there was "some book out there that told you what to say to people." I had little awareness that "relating" required a Self.

As a graduate of The Columbia School of Journalism and prize-winning reporter, I managed this sense of invisibility by crusading for the oppressed. When I was 25, I actually was offered a job expanding this niche at The New York Times...about the same time The Universe offered a competing option: An assignment to write an exposè of a spiritual group gave me an unimagined experience of simply feeling whole. When an admired editor told me I had written something incredibly mediocre, and astonishingly, I felt no familiar diminishment, I promptly left journalism and decided to spend the rest of my life exploring ways to access and sustain the identity that made that possible.

A psychotherapist now for over 25 years, I see myself as a kind of transpersonal scout, helping people let go of external structures that no longer fit and orienting them to what it means to live a life based on their own insides. A phrase I like in this regard is Trust in Being. I'd say that the whole atomic sub-structure of Talk To Me Like I'm Someone You Love is that trusting in one's own Being will automatically optimize relationality.

I believe that human beings are just beginning to learn what it means to be truly human and that we have many different parts--and the trick is to feel these parts without losing our Inner Grown-up. I believe I bring clarity and heart to the growth process,and that my openness about my flaws and limitations serves my clients, students and readers as well as my strengths.

I live, work and do my thinking in Wynnewood, Pennsylvania where I practice walking my talk with the man in my life I now love.