Customer Reviews

Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love: Relationship Repair in a Flash

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How many times have you heard yourself or someone you know mention that they would die to be in therapy IF only they had the money, their partner would agree to it, they could find someone really good or any other laundry list of excuses? Well, at the risk of sounding hyperbolic, I am going to go ahead and announce that "Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love" is the answer to your prayers.

Dr. Dreyfus offers invaluable lessons that are both insightful and applicable in this book. The premise of "relationship repair in a flash" involves asking the reader to imagine the all-too-familiar moment during a tense conversation or argument with a partner that quickly becomes an emotional downward spiral. Just when you feel as though you've successfully made it to the point of no return, or the point where each of you exhibits your chronic emotionally unhealthy pattern, Dreyfus suggests a way to pause and redirect yourselves back from "conflict to connection." How do we do this? Flashcards! By removing the emotional charge that is carried by voice intonation or body language, Dreyfus finds that the mere act of reading a written message in the midst of such tension is surprisingly powerful. Dividing these moments into nine sections, there are a total of 101 flashcard ideas (she also explains how to come up with your own), each with an incredibly evolved explanation of the psychology behind the message for both the "Sender" and "Receiver" of the card.

So, for example, let's take a look at my current favorite card. "Rather than just criticize me, can you tell me what you want in a more positive way?" This card is indexed under the "Setting Limits" section and Dreyfus explains that the power in this card comes from the fact that the Sender isn't getting defensive and disagreeing with the criticism, but rather asking for his/her partner to make communicating their desires more important than being a critic. As Dreyfus also explains, many of these cards could easily fit under different categories; to me, this card, when successfully used, could easily "shift gears" (an earlier section of cards). And, wow, finding even one card that speaks to my relationship woes feels so very precious!

In addition to the subject matter, I am impressed by the way Dreyfus articulates HOW to use this book, even addressing what to do when your partner doesn't want to use the cards. I also felt that at first glance the number of flashcards in this book might be daunting, but Dreyfus clearly explains ways to pick up on which cards are relevant to you and your partner. On page 87, she gives away a therapy secret by explaining a fantasy scenario and corresponding line of questioning she goes through with every new client. She quickly gets to the point by saying "I go down this road because I want to know one important thing -- how your early universe related to you when you were vulnerable." This gem of insight has the potential to seem like magic in gaining a new understanding of where your partner is coming from in his/her reactions to intimacy and vulnerability.

For those who are looking for a deeply intellectual book on couples' psychology, as well as those looking for a quick and easy fix for a long-term struggle, this book has it all. Dr. Dreyfus illustrates a language around relationships, both to ourselves and others, that has rarely been this profound or accessible. Bravo!

How often have you wished you said the right words in the right situation at the right time? Someday we may all be so evolved that we won't need any help communicating with the people we love the most. Until then, we are fortunate to have gifted couples psychotherapist Nancy Dreyfus, PsyD. to guide us!

The genius of what Dr. Dreyfus does in Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love, is include user-friendly flashcards. These words and sentences serve as a spoke in a wheel when an argument or misunderstanding is descending down that familiar path of no return.

I love books that provide information that I can immediately apply. Talk to Me is organized into sections: Shifting Gears, Setting Limits, Feeling Vulnerable, Taking Responsibility, Giving Information, Getting Clarification, Apologizing, Loving and Making Up. Multiple flashcards within each of these sections along with suggestions and examples of their use, give you the tools to redirect any argument from conflict to connection.

Some of my favorite flashcards are the following. Just imagine how many arguments would be nipped if you said (or heard) these words! I feel like a total and complete idiot. (from Feeling Vulnerable), I was making a bid deal out of something that just isn't that important. I want to let it go. (from Shifting Gears) and I'm sorry that I've been acting as if everything's all your fault. (from Apologizing).

No wonder Utne Reader chose an earlier version of Dreyfus' book to feature in a cover story: 24 Brainstorms for the Planet.

The author says this book is for the clued-in and for the clueless--making the excellent point that in intimate relationship even the most conscious of us become clueless when triggered by a loved one. The Flashcards give you the right words for the right situation at the right time. Now all you have to do is use them!

~Amanda Owen, author of The Power of Receiving: A Revolutionary Approach to Giving Yourself the Life You Want and Deserve

Talk To Me Like I'm Like I'm Someone You Love: Relationship Repair In A Flash
Nancy Dreyfus, Psy.D

by Edie Weinstein, MSW, LSW

What if you had at the ready, a portable tool that could succintly express in writing what you might not be able to say verbally and could have a powerful healing impact on any relationship? In the midst of a heated discussion with a loved one, there are times when we are not at our most eloquent and words slip out that in calmer moments would not escape our lips. Psychotherapist and wordsmith, Nancy Dreyfus, Psy. D has compiled such a guide to healthy interactions, brilliantly entitled: Talk To Me Like I'm Someone You Love: Relationship Repair In A Flash. Having said that, please note that by purchasing this book or giving it to someone in your life, it in no way indicates that the relationship is on the rocks. It has preventive power as well. Just knowing that it is present could have a reassuring effect. Talk To Me Like I'm Someone You Love would make a great wedding or anniversary gift as well as an everyday portable relationship tool.

As a Licensed Social Worker, I have used the ideas from the book in therapeutic sessions with clients and have found them wonderfully successful in calming even the angriest couples. I also incorporate the concepts in my personal interactions and marvel at the results.

The book was born when in a session with a couple, Dreyfus found herself experiencing a sense of counter-transference. It began to feel like she was re-living the dynamics of her family of origin. In a flash, she scribbled the 8 words that became the book's primary title, handed it to the man and whispered for him to hold it up to his wife who, at that moment, was berating him. It was as if time stood still and their interaction shifted to one that was more healing. Over the course of the next two decades, this book took shape and Dreyfus' accumulated wisdom, gleaned from work with other couples, is now in the 285 pages of text with a few pages in the back on which to write messages in addition to what she offers. There are more than 100 'flashcard' messages that can move through the heart of the matter in nearly every potential conflict, as well as Dreyfus' commentary on each subject. These include:

"When you go on and on like that, I feel invisible to you."

"Even though I've been arguing my position like a crazy person, I can see where your point of view makes sense."

"What can I say that would make you feel understood?"

"I'm sorry if I acted like mine was the only reality."

"I treasure you."

The value in the book goes beyond the words themselves to the way in which it is to be used. In her practice, Dreyfus has discovered that vocalizing words can carry an emotional charge that simply reading them does not. There is no voice intonation, no chance to misinterpret when words are read and not said. Couples are encouraged to have the book handy to use as needed. Granted, it is not the same as sitting in the presence of this gifted therapist, but it is the next best thing to having her in your home.

I love the attitude Dreyfus speaks about with regard to the value of an open heart vs. a closed heart. Dreyfus writes, "the only difference between an open heart and a closed one is that an open heart has opened only one more time than it's closed.....only one more time." This poignant and powerful book will ensure that hearts in your house will open much more quickly

For more information on Nancy Dreyfus, go to [...]

This book is amazing.
It's filled with such great information for couples to take and use immediately -- over a 100 flashcards, with an explanation for every card. The title Talk to Me Like Someone You Love, is actually one of the flashcards, in fact the original.

I love that the author has organized them in such a way that you can go to the category you need for a specific issue or misunderstanding, such as: Apologizing, Getting Clarification, Making Up, etc.

I'm normally not a fan of someone telling me what to say in a situation, but the author is so dead on with her phrasing, that I'd be hard pressed to find a better way of saying what Dr. Dreyfus has presented in her book. The flashcards are brilliant and so relevant to real life situations.

It's a book I now recommend to all clients and friends, whether in relationship or single.

A book I'm sure I will go back to time and time again, for the wealth of wisdom and clarity it provides.

Nancy Dreyfus has done what others in the counseling arena would love to accomplish...she's created a resource that both clinicians and families (not just couples) can use at home. As a couples therapist, Dreyfus has sat painfully before many men and women who struggle to communicate effectively (with respect, kindness, and grace) with each other. So she developed a powerful tool for helping people understand what they're feeling and say it in a manner that another will receive it. Dreyfus takes the "negative charge" out of tense situations and replaces it with thoroughly positive words and sentiments that will bring healing, restoration, understanding, and peace to otherwise volatile conversations. And good relationships always begin with quality conversations. Even the format is simple/fast/easy to use...the binding allows individuals to quickly flip from one topic to another without wear and tear on the book. Nifty!!! The only caution is this..."Don't limit this book's use to couples alone!" Use it with everyone (and in every relationship you care about).

Michele Howe author, Burdens Do a Body Good: Meeting Life's Challenges with Strength (and Soul)

I truly wish I had this book growing up and certainly during my marriage; so many auguments would have been nipped at the bud by speaking in a positive manner or something as simple as "I'm Sorry." I purchased this book for all my sister-in-laws so they can communicate effectively with my brothers. This book is a must for any man who is challenged in the relating department...or to the women who love them.

Whenever I'm in the bookstore I seek out this book. I love reading the flashcards aloud with my friends. It's the most fun relationship book on the shelves. If you can't work it out, have a laugh! Highly recommended!

Every couple should read this amazing book. We could all learn how to treat each other with respect and resolve conflict.

I bought this book for two couples that are friends. Both called to tell me the book was great and very helpful for their relationships.

My partner got these cards for us last week, and we've used them about 6 times already. The messages are great and communicate a lot of care. I often find it hard to communicate intimate feelings without feeling really awkward, and I've gotten a bunch of new language ideas from the book. Receiving a card is great, but mostly I've gotten a bunch of new ways to phrase emotional statements.

Some of the reviews mention the construction of the thing. This book would be better in hardback, but it's still a beautiful book for couples to have.