Customer Reviews

Tarzeena

5 star:		(0)
4 star:		(0)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

When I viewed this film I was reminded of a cheap shot at trying
to make a porn film. Two-thirds of it had sex scenes that were as
boring as a two-bob watch.

The funniest part was when they showed two lions trying to make a
cub, then a kitten that roared like a lion (get real).

The way they dressed for a hike in the jungle (what jungle) was
more like a stroll to the supermarket, also the jungle looked like
someone's backyard. When I was young I used to hike in lantana near
home, and it was more dense then this so-called jungle.

Then there is the mad-hatter scientist who called his assistant an
ignorant savage, then asked for a scapel (my god!). An operation to
implant a microchip into the skull of a gorilla took only 15 seconds.

For a girl who was reared in the jungle, Tarzeena sure knew how to
please a guy the adult way, and somehow got breast implants and the
use of a razor also.

When Mandy got a visit from Syren one night, Mandy said we had to
be quite, and ten seconds later they were making more noise than a
pack of hyenas at the dinner table.

Despite all the negitives with this film I enjoyed it in my funny
sort of way. I recommend it to anyone who is experiencing a boring
rainy day, and is not too worried what they watch.

I award this movie 1/2 a star for effort and not much more.

Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle (Fred Olen Ray, 2008)

The name Fred Olen Ray, in some circles, is synonymous with the worst movies ever made. And yet somehow I have managed to avoid seeing a Fred Olen Ray movie until now. I haven't seen The Brain Leeches, not Biohazard, not even his most infamous production, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. And yet somehow, during a free premium-channel preview weekend, without even realizing it, I managed to hook a Fred Olen Ray movie made under a pseudonym. What else could I do but watch it? It turns out that was probably not the best idea, as I have lost far more brain cells than I would have, say, huffing cyanide gas for seventy-five minutes, but I guess I can't regret having finally seen one of his movies. (I do now have a self-destructive urge to watch The Brain Leeches.)

Trying to piece together this paper-thin plot requires more brain power than it's worth, but I'll try: buxom blonde (Nicole Sheridan, not to be confused with Nicolette Sheridan) and layabout boyfriend (Voodoo) stand to inherit a fortune as long as they and their shifty lawyer (Ed Polgardy) can ensure that the guy who they stand to inherit from is actually dead. In order to do that, they have to go to Kong Island (yes, really), where his plane crash-landed twenty years ago carrying him and his daughter, who may still be alive. In fact, she is, and she's the title character (Christine Nguyen). They get there, and, well, there's all kinds of simulated sex.

And, yes, simulated, as in in a few cases the people involved still obviously have clothing over the parts that are supposed to be stuck in/impaled on the other people involved. I would have hoped that softcore had made some strides since 1975 (still, the only softcore movie I can watch all the way through and not want to beat myself in the head is Black Emmanuelle, made that year), but instead it seems we've jumped three steps back and a few off to some very odd side. The actors and actresses are not attractive (with the exception of Nguyen), the plot is a joke, the script is horrendous (Tarzeena is referred to as the "white queen" of the island; way to revise the script after casting Nguyen!). The actual movie is so thin that Ray padded the length by including random nature shots. Interestingly, the best scene in the movie is a shot of a kitten in a window with a lion's roar dubbed over its meow. At least someone involved with the movie had a sense of humor. ½