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14 of 14 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
A must-read for all teachers, January 3, 2001
This review is from: Teacher Effectiveness Training (Hardcover)
Teachers, like parents, often get frustrated by children's "misbehavior" and lack of self-discipline. How can children be controlled? Is there a magic pill that'll make kids attentive, cooperative, well-behaved, eager to learn and self-controlled? Nope! And this book ain't it, either. That panacea just doesn't exist. But if you want to influence children positively, get them to listen to you (because you've learned to listen to them first), get them to cooperate (because you've learned how to involve them in decision-making processes) and spend less time playing the "evil dictator" or "helpless doormat" roles, then this is the best resource for you. The book covers essentially the same material as Dr. Gordon's landmark book Parent Effectiveness Training. Its core is a belief in some basic principles: A) Democratic environments are health-giving (every one feels better when they aren't coerced into obeying orders) B) Participation; people who are involved in rule-making are more enthusiastic about complying with rules that are set C) When resolving conflicts, if all parties can agree on a solution to a problem, then the problem is no more D) All human beings have needs and behave in ways to meet those needs. If someone's behavior interferes with your ability to meet your needs, you have the right to tell them about it so they may change their behavior. If your behavior conflicts with someone else's needs, they then have the right to confront you and try and influence you to change your behavior. Fair's fair. The book teaches the skills necessary to confront others when their behavior is unacceptable in a non-accusatory manner so as to reduce resistance (I-Messages). Then it covers Active Listening (listening without interrupting, preaching, advicing, arguing, ordering, etc. -- just listening -- then feeding back your understanding of the sender's message) so you can fully understand the other person's position. Tends to reduce resistance to your message when people feel listened to. Finally, it covers a 6-step problem-solving process that ensures that ALL parties get their needs met. Is it perfect? No. But that's because we as people are not perfect. We slip up. I've been practicing these skills for a couple years now (since '98) and the results are FANTASTIC, a drastic and immediately noticeable improvement. But I still forget how to listen from time to time and I have to go back and rectify mishandled situations. I'm human, I get annoyed. If I had to think of the best reason to recommend this book, it is this: I get annoyed A LOT LESS OFTEN.
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3 of 5 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
I'd give it more stars if I could, July 5, 2003
This review is from: Teacher Effectiveness Training (Hardcover)
As an eighth year home schooler, I am pleased to say that this book is the single most helpful book I've *ever* read on how to relate to children. I just finished it a couple days ago and immediately started employing the strategies. I've seen a change in my children already. My 12 year old daughter even held my hand today as we walked around the county fair--something she hasn't done for a long time. I don't think it's any coincidence that she feels safer and more secure around me now that I'm actually listening to her and trusting her. If you are familiar with and like the concept of empathic listening (called active listening in the book), you will be pleased to see that this book gives very specific instructions for not only *how* to do it, but *when*. Since it's a skill not required for every situation, knowing when to use it is just as important as knowing how. As detailed in the book, this method will only work if you are willing to abandon using power and authority in your relationships. The book clearly states that the use of power and authority damages relationships: I can verify this from my own experience. This method assumes children already know the right choices, in many instances, but that they need help to uncover them; it assumes that trusted kids will act in a trustworthy manner, and that untrusted kids will act in an untrustworthy manner. Warning: this method is not a quick fix. I have been extensively trained in empathic listening, so this skill is not new to me. If it is new to you, you will need to reprogram yourself to do it right, because it is difficult to unlearn old and harmful habits, and we are *so* tempted to resort to power and authority that it takes time to see their destructiveness and give them up. Be patient with yourself and I'm certain you will be pleased with the results of your efforts.
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16 of 26 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Authentic---NOT, April 27, 2002
This review is from: Teacher Effectiveness Training (Hardcover)
I certainly hope this book has become obsolete as it represents a way for teachers to convince their students they're from outer space and often, afraid. I have many objections to this "how to communicate" completely impractical and annoying approach to kids. Here are some: It doesn't factor cultural attitudes and related behavioral norms- it's yuppie dogma. It will absolutely send the message to the kids that you're uncomfortable with setting limits.
It implies that language is some kind of magic bullet-( a simplistic no-brain approach in mental health as well).) Say you're teaching and a child is tapping his pencil like a rock musician- trust me, if you say something like "I'm having a hard time concentrating with your pencil tapping." Puh-leeze! How about, "Excuse me, do you mind?" or "Hey, put that pencil down or write with it." When you get really good, you could move in time with it- then dance to the blackboard and say, "It's time for my act." Humor, self- assurance is worth a ton of these kinds of books. The book has a section on "being authentic." then he procedes to advise you to deny your emotions, (Ha!- like the kids don't know,) avoid asserting yourself as "the last word" and this is a good one- having the class be a democracy- how unnatural, and a time waster.
As soon as the kids get a whiff of this expressing how you feel and speaking up for your feelings, you might as well kiss your curriculum goodbye. Kids will figure this out so fast- they like nothing better than articulating injustice ad nauseum. Oh, this will also get you a rotten evaluation and a reputation as being 'green.' I have been a special education principal for 12 years and before that I successfully taught "at risk" kids. I also taught "normal" kids for a period. If I sound like some anachronism, I can only say that as far as 'effectiveness' with students, (inner city, drug users, violent and learning disabled), at the risk of sounding immodest- I can get kids in line and doing what they ought to do- and, they LOVE it.
Kids crave clarity, predictability and- especially with regard to the those inevitable teacher's nightmares- a sense of stability and control. We operate often times with the false perception that if we TALK about issues, we will somehow enlighten, problem solve and prepare great future citizens. Sorry.
Listen to parents in stores with their brood running around like maniacs which they ignore too long so that the kids are over stimulated, then they say something like one of those 'I' statements, "I need you to stop running so that I can buy what we need for dinner." How often have you seen the kids stop? This book is a set up. If you follow these suggestions you may as well put a sign on you that says, I'm scared and clueless.'
It is developmentally an El Nino of chaos. Children (read your Erickson and Piaget) need hierarchy, affiliation and absolute certainty that significant figures have their feet on the ground and their heads out of the clouds. Think realistically- if you vote on an issue, like we shouldn't have to raise our hands if we want to go to the bathroom- do you think you have just made one giant step towards a world filled with the democratically correct? This is not to say that there isn't a place for voting, but if you give the kids the idea that everything should go to the polls, you'll be voting your brains out and their brains will be the losers. Last- "active listening' is an insult and a peculiar way to treat another human being. The book gives an example like this-
"I came to talk to you about what I should write my term paper on."
"You're having difficulty finding a topic."
That's not slick- that's enraging. They'll look at you like you're 'challenged.' Is that supposed to have positive impact?
My own personal rule of thumb is that if anybody active listens me I call them on it and tell them to knock it off.
New teachers- take it from a principal with experience in many different 'cultures' I think Gordon calls it. Find a mentor, someone you admire, someone whom the children 'don't even go there.' If you have a trustworthy supervisor- be (authentic?) and ask for some help. but for God's sake- don't elevate the kids into a position they're not ready for and make it crystal clear what you will and will not tolerate. I know I sound like an old meanie, but they WANT it that way, and for the most part, so do their parents. As I've already stated, if you react to conflict or acting out in the style of this book, you're telling them you are overwhelmed and they WILL push it until they come right up to the limit. I sincerely believe that it is unquestionably more pro-social and enriching to assert yourself (with humor, if possible when the time is right) than to utter some awkward edubabble- (made that up) that will diminish purpose and impact.This has been a profitable book, but IT DOESN'T WORK!
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