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More About the Author
When Aletha's first child was born in 1977 (following a traumatic birth) she did not find any parenting books that advocated attachment-style parenting and non-punitive discipline while taking into account the impact of stress and trauma on children's development.
The first book she wrote, The Aware Baby (revised in 2001), is the one that she wished she had had as a new mother. The Aware Baby has been translated into ten languages and sold over 130,000 copies worldwide. Her other three books have also been translated into several languages.
Aletha has led workshops for parents and professionals in 14 countries, and is recognized internationally as an expert on attachment, trauma, and non-punitive discipline. She has appeared on TV in the U.S., Europe, South Africa, and Asia. She lives in Southern California, and is the mother of two grown children. She is also a proud grandmother.
For more information about Aletha's work and the Aware Parenting approach, please visit the Aware Parenting Institute website at www.awareparenting.com.
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
37 of 39 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Crying cures infants of early trauma,
By A Customer
This review is from: Tears and Tantrums: What to Do When Babies and Children Cry (Paperback)
<dd><b><i><font size="+3" color="#990000">T</font>ears and Tantrums</i></b> is Dr. Solter's third book. Subtitled: <b><i>What To Do When Babies and Children Cry,</i></b> it could just as well have been subtitled, Preventing Neurosis in Children and Resolving Birth Trauma. The Swiss-American developmental psychologist has written what may well be her finest work and which should be widely read and more importantly put into practice by all parents. Her advice about what to do with crying and rageful children is clearly explained and could easily be applied but unfortunately most mothers and fathers raise their children the way they were raised. But don't necessarily look to primitive cultures for guidance to learn how to raise a child. According to Dr. Solter, some of these primitives have their own cultural taboos which are as detrimental to their children as some our own misunderstandings are to our children. One theme runs through <b><i>Tears and Tantrums</i></b>. and that is that preventing babies and young children from crying is not something which should be done automatically. If you find out that your infant is not hungry or thirsty, his diapers don't need changing and he is not in physical pain --- then let your baby cry and rage while you lovingly hold him or be attentive to him. Do not be deceived. It is difficult to not nurse, to not allow use of a pacifier, to not give in to excessive demands for attention, but to lovingly hold your child for as long as it takes for your child to relive and release early repressed feelings and current hurts through crying jags. Common sense and perhaps your need for peace of mind tells you to try to stop the crying! Common sense also tells you when driving a careening car on an ice slick highway, not to steer in the direction the car is traveling. In both cases, following common sense is neither correct nor helpful and may be detrimental. The author believes that the child must go with and through the pain instead of avoiding it. Too frequent nursing to prevent crying is called a "control pattern" by the author. It is a defense; a way of containing feelings, even traumatic birth feelings which are pressing for release. Besides unneeded nursing and thumb and pacifier sucking, other control patterns are hyperactivity, head banging, and excessive clinging. Some infants and young children constantly demand attention and entertainment. When this happens, a child is using still another control pattern, Solter believes, and is another way the infant or child keeps his feelings and crying at bay. What the child really needs is to connect to his feelings and not to defend against them. The parent should remove the pacifier, discontinue giving in to the child's demands for continual entertainment and attention and let the child feel its sadness and misery as completely as possible. But never ignore your baby by leaving him to cry alone. Support the infant's or child's raging grief occasionally with holding but always with loving attention. Later in life crying is strictly used as a release of tension, but infants and young children use crying in a two-fold manner. It is up to the observant parent to know whether the child has a real physical need or using a defense to keep from feeling earlier hurts. Since babies have only one method of communication, sometimes the message is not that clear. If you can't resolve or remove the hurt without resort to a control mechanism then allow your infant to cry, but always in your attentive presence. When very minor hurts trigger crying one should remember that the child is not being manipulative, but that its repressed feelings were very close to the surface. Sometimes it only takes a very small stimulus to trigger crying. This is what happens, for example, when someone else's eating of the last cookie provokes a disproportionately responsive crying reaction. Sometimes parents give in to their child's whims to stop the crying. But if this continually happens, the "attentive good parent" may cause their young child to become a demanding older child, adolescent and adult as their defense of choice continues over the years. The result will not be that your child will still be using a pacifier during high school graduation exercises, but its years of using its defense of choice will help to prevent resolution of earlier hurts which would otherwise have been resolved or lessened by the withdrawal of his control mechanism. Remember, children are not demanding because they have been spoiled, but "because <b><i>they never have had an opportunity to release pent-up feelings by crying and raging</i></b>." (Emphasis in the original text) As in her other two books, <b><i>The Aware Baby</i></b> and <b><i>Helping Young Children Flourish,</i></b> Dr. Solter recounts interesting examples of what to do taken from interactions with other children and her own children. To be a good parent, you don't need a Ph.D. in developmental psychology like Aletha J. Solter, but you do need to be able to resist the temptation to give-in and have peace at any price and do like your parents did it to you when your child cries. Dr. Solter did not write this but I believe that the price your child may pay for your mistakes in their upbringing may well be lifelong neurosis for them which may be ultimately handed down to your grandchildren. The author's <b><i>Tears and Tantrums</i> </b>has many interesting sections. Some of them concern dealing with physical hurts, crying during separations, dealing with violence, bedtime crying, helping children heal from specific traumatic events, as well as a practical applications chapter which includes a section on questions which Dr. Solter frequently hears at her workshops given in this country and in Europe. <b><i>Tears and Tantrums </i></b>also contains extensive references, suggestions for further reading as well as letters from happy parents who have successfully used her techniques. Crying is not just for babies. The author believes that everyone can and should use that mechanism unless they are too shut down. Three books and three successes! <hr> </td></tr> </table>
22 of 22 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
A new way to understand our children's tears,
By
This review is from: Tears and Tantrums: What to Do When Babies and Children Cry (Paperback)
Our family was blessed with the loan of this book from a teacher we know. We were having a hard time determining how to correctly deal with the "tears and tantrums" of our children (3 years and 18 months at the time).Solter's book provided advice that immediately cut through our indecision and allowed us to understand what our children were trying so desperately to communicate to us and to deal with it in a the most loving way possible. In retrospect, more traditional approaches to "handling" children's crises such as distracting the child, telling/yelling the child to stop, giving into demands, or the dreaded pacifier, all seem to be incredibly short-sighted, serving only the parent's needs. This book has shifted my personal feelings when I hear my children cry. I no longer feel annoyed and martyrized by these "interruptions". Loud crying in response to some small little owwie no longer makes me feel fustrated. Instead I just open my arms, offer my shoulder and feel confident being in the moment with my children as they let it all out. I highly recommend this book.
19 of 19 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Why Children Cry,
By
This review is from: Tears and Tantrums: What to Do When Babies and Children Cry (Paperback)
Crucial to the job of parenting is the necessity to create safety for a child, both emotionally and physically. This book so compassionately-and scientifically-brings that message home. My husband and I, like many parents, have struggled to overcome decades of child-rearing conditioning that told us in a zillion ways "children are to be seen and not heard." Historically, child rearing practices have advocated punishment, including corporal punishment, humiliation and pain as a way to teach children to learn, among other things, empathy, compassion, respect and responsibility. In addition to such punitive practices, there has been a cultural aversion to children expressing strong emotions, such as sadness and anger or `tears and tantrums.' In this book, Solter lays the scientific groundwork-no doubt a product of her biology background-for the need to learn to comfort children when they cry or rage, rather than to try to stop the emotional release. Comfort, most likely, is something we would offer an adult friend who had an emotional outburst of sadness or anger, but it is not the common response given to children releasing the same emotions. In an empathetic voice, Solter explains the need to cry and rage to release stress begins at birth and never really ends. That's because all humans-including babies-have emotions and experience stress, and sometimes trauma, from the womb on. The need to cry and rage serves as a biological stress-reducing process, a necessary component of our nervous system. One profound piece of scientific research she mentions in her book to illustrate this is that researchers have discovered stress hormones, such as ACTH and cortisone, in tear drops released for emotional reasons. The stress hormones were not found in tear drops released because of an irritant, such as cut onions. That's one biological reason why we feel better after a good cry: We are eliminating the chemicals of stress from our body. Just as going to the bathroom several times a day is a necessary process of our species' waste elimination system, so is the need to cry, she contends. Just as our skin has a need to sweat so do our emotions need to be safely released. Overcoming decades of conditioning isn't easy, though. In the book, Solter also offers insights for us parents on how to deal responsibly with our own strong emotions that tend to rise up when our children cry or rage. My husband and I read this book when our son was 2 years old. He's 7 now. Putting into practice the skills outlined in this book has helped us to handle our son's emotions so much better. We see on a daily basis the amazing and wonderful results of how treating our son with respect for his emotions, his body and his `being' helps create warm, non-adversarial bonds between us. We are parenting more the way we want to parent, with compassion, understanding and respect, and we are very thankful for that. We consider this book one of the best-if not the best-books on parenting!
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