Customer Reviews

Technical Virgin: How Far is Too Far?

5 star:		(8)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(10)

 

 

In a culture where a sitting president denies sexual relations since he didn't 'participate' and MTV gives ample air time to teens in The Real World hooking up just for fun, it's no wonder that teen girls are defining virginity as one consumating act and green lighting everything else.

The book "Technical Virgin" is a book I wish was never published because I wish it wasn't needed. But it is needed. My little niece is 14 years old and wears a purity ring on her finger, but my sister caught her 'fooling around' with her 16 year old study partner. Talk about upheaval in that family. As someone familiar with Hayley DiMarco (I became impressed with her at Women of Faith a couple years back) I promptly rushed this book into my niece's hands.

The great thing about this book is that it's written for the teenage girl, not the parent. Too many books are out there supposedly for youth that appease the sensibilities of the parent but don't connect with the teen, but this book was read cover to cover by my niece in less than two days. I personally had the same experience with DiMarco's book "Marriable."

"Technical Virgin" is a needed book that hits the target audience square between the eyes. It treats the teen as a decision maker. Because as my sister found out, teens can make decisions counter to what's being taught at church and at home and this is a persuasive book written with that in mind.

. . . but I can't in good conscience recommend this book.

As a father, a teacher, and a youth minister, I'm always on the lookout for something of value on the subject of moral purity, especially with regard to teens. When I first saw this book, I hoped that it could be something I could use, or at least recommend.

I'm sad to say that I cannot do so.

Why then the three stars? Because, in all honesty, the book does have some good things to say. It presents some blunt honesty with regard to sexaul relationships that many teen girls need. (As do many teen boys!) The morality presented is traditional, Biblical, Christian morality with regard to sexual expression outside of marriage. This much is good.

HOWEVER . . .

The treatment of young male teens in this book is, in my view, totally unacceptable, and borders -- more than borders -- on demeaning stereotypes. (And I say this from having 1) been a teen for seven years!, and 2) from having teenagers of both genders). Yes, it goes without saying that males in their teens and twenties have a truly boiling sex drive. No question there. But the way the book treats young males is as essentially totally amoral sex machines, incapable of any self-control, restraint, or deeper level of feelings or emotions. And this is a blatant and unfair stereotype. (If the reverse stereotype had been suggested, I wonder if this book would have ever been published.)

Yes, I am all for upholding Biblical standards of morality. Yes, I am all for encouraging our teens to live chaste and upright lives. But this book swings too wide and paints with too broad a brush. I can't endorse it.

"Technical Virgin: How Far Is Too Far" by Hayley DiMarco is a refreshing entry into the world of Christian purity books. It offers a frank and blunt evaluation of the current trend of teens pledging abstinence from sex and protecting their virginity, but then narrowly defining what virginity is (only intercourse.) In other words, many teens that have made the pledge are participating in sexual activities that allow them to remain 'technically' a virgin. Ms. DiMarco calls teen girls out on the subject.

The interior of the book is a beautiful and well conceived design, on thick glossy paper and printed in full-color similar to her book on immodesty. Throughout the book, the publisher has placed full page images of teen girls with their boyfriends in 'almost compromising' situations. This is grandly effective in my humble opinion as the images work as visual flash cards for the female reader. Almost as if to say, if you start to find yourself in any of these situations...BEWARE. You're putting your purity at risk!

As a youth leader at a large church and a fan of Ms. DiMarco's other books, the effective visual design and straight-forward writing style did not surprise me in the least. What did shock me were some of the statistics she reported on the instances of STDs among those that have signed abstinence pledges and those that haven't. They were identical! Instead of using scripture alone to draw a line, Ms. DiMarco piles on statistics about teen depression, escalating sexual behavior, and society's propensity to tell young girls to be like "one of the guys", i.e. that oral sex and other activities are no big deal. As someone that works with youth as a ministry and profession, her methods are very effective.

In a sea of purity books waxing poetic about sex or leaving details to the imagination (and providing pledge loopholes) "Technical Virgin" offers a much needed book for teen girls at risk. And if your girls are wearing a True Love Waits ring, statistics show they're more at risk than you might think.

As a clarification: this book is written for teen girls dating or likely to date. If you homeschool your girls and know their whereabouts constantly and don't allow them to date, some of the content of this book might be unsettling for you to talk through and wholly unnecessary. Though I might recommend it to those girls if they were going off to college. Unfortunately yet understandably, this book is not for teen boys. Hopefully a similar book will be released for teen guys as well.

I purchased this book in hopes that I would be able to lend it to some of my students who are struggling with these issues. I'm tempted now to forget the money I spent and just recycle the book...while certain parts of the book were good, on the whole it sends more negative messages than good ones, and doesn't REALLY spend enough time on "how far is too far?" (I'm sorry, Webster's dictionary definitions are not going to convince a teenager.)

My two big criticisms:

1) It reinforces the stereotypes that guys are sex-crazed addicts who are only looking to use you (the girl). Teenage girls shouldn't think that guys are perfect angels who fit the romantic stereotypes of a Mr. Darcy or Colonel Brandon, but neither should they see them as sex-hungry animals. What is that setting them up for in the future, when they're older and perhaps looking for healthy relationships?

2) A direct quote about how girls SHOULD use their bodies as bargaining chips...for marriage:

"Whether you realize it or not, girls have something that guys crave. Guys are continually thinking about us and how to get more of us. We are in demand. So what happens when you make a casual agreement with a guy to be just friends with benefits? Does your power increase? Do you suddenly have more of what he's looking for, or have you just given up the part of you that was the most valuable to him? The truth is that if guys are so hot for our bods and craving intimate attention, that's where our power lies. And it's not in giving ourselves away casually but in USING WHAT WE HAVE, OUR BODIES, AS BARGAINING CHIPS. In the old days, a guy knew that if he wanted sex or sex play from a girl, he had to marry her. THAT WAS HER BARGAINING CHIP. That's how she got her Prince Charming. But as girls started to crave some kind of false power, they started to give away the very bargaining chip that could GET THEM WHAT THEY ULTIMATELY WANTED."

I completely and fervently disagree with the "sex is power" mentality as co-opted by certain brands of feminism that say that for women to be equal, we need to wield sex as a weapon. This is just as bad...now we're teaching girls to MANIPULATE men with their bodies so they can get...a marriage?

True power is about self-sacrifice. The same would go for marriage. Manipulating a guy in any way with one's body seems to be the opposite of what a healthy view of sexuality/relationships should be about. Manipulation is wrong--no matter what the end. Bodies are not bargaining chips. Period.

How do you keep from engaging in sexual immorality? Where exactly is the line that delineates the wrong from the right? And what about those who have already fallen into destructive relationships and behaviors? Can they yet reclaim an element of virginity...technically speaking? These are a few of the questions Hayley DiMarco confronts and tries to respond to in her latest attempt at a purity book, "Technical Virgin: How Far is Too Far?" However, for the most part, she misses the mark.

Instead of getting to the root of the problem, Technical Virgin provides only obvious, superficial answers. Instead of advising young women to guard their hearts and pursue Christ and offering specific lessons from the Bible, DiMarco merely identifies the consequences of sexual immorality and, of course, where to draw the line.

Though she tries to relate to her teenage audience, her book comes off sounding more like a research project because it is filled with dictionary definitions, sociological and psychological terms, and endless statistics. While she does give solid evidence that non-marital sexual activity has negative results and is not condoned by Scripture, she loses her credibility through sweeping generalizations and statements whose only proof is either her own personal opinion or because "that's just the way it is."

The main problem of Technical Virgin can be found in the subtitle. The question "how far is too far?" focuses too much on following a list of do's and don'ts than on changing the heart. The Bible has much to say about premarital purity, personal discipline, sexual fulfillment, and genuine love. None of those lessons are examined or shared in this book. In trying so hard to speak to younger women on a level DiMarco assumes we are locked in at, she underestimates our desire to learn more about God's perfect plan for our lives. This book offers some starting points for discussion in regard to this topic, but it does not provide the solid foundation of godly edification we young women of faith are seeking to obtain.

This book taught nothing about holiness. Holiness doesn't ask "how far can I go?" but rather, "how close can I get?" Holiness doesn't seek the most pleasure; it seeks the most perfection. I found this book very immature and weak. I don't want to live a mediocre life of rules and regulations, but a powerful spirit-filled life where I don't have to doubt my actions.

And this book seems really sexist to me. True, men tend to push for things, but there are also men that do nothing but push girls toward their Saviour. I have one such close friend and a few more that I do not know so well. I love the books by Eric and Lesley Ludy that show the holiness they had in their relationship. It is hard to find men like that, but reading their books gives me hope to find such a man someday.

I recommend instead, books by Elisabeth Elliot, Eric and Lesley Ludy, and Josh Harris (in that order), whether or not you agree with their ideas on relationships, they teach the proper principles

This is one book you must have in your personal library if you work with female youth! This book reviews what you already know & updates you on current happenings, but it also gives a new persepctive on some things I had never even considered. Like "Female Porn"!! Yes, us females find some types of movies to be "eye candy" for us. We end up having unrealistic expectations for our "guys" to be like the chic flics we so dearly enjoy watching. Get the book and read it. I had not realized all us females have fallen into this trap, not just my youth I minister to. I bought this for some of my youth, and other youth workers I know. Recommeneded it on my website too for other youth leaders to check out! This book is a must!

With respect to all who work with youth or are Pastors/Ministers with youth at a church, this book is a good book. Yes, I have bought this book not only for myself (I am a male) but shared this with two other youths, and have seen the things that are considered somewhat controversial, such as "where do YOU draw the line" instead of God. You cannot fully just give this book to someone, especially a youth, without explaining or having some sort of comment. The book in my honest opinion was written so that young ladies can come to someone more knowledgeable in the Word to better explain certain issues. Too many times I have seen ministers say that sex is wrong and this is why, but very few if any at all, explain their own struggles with sex and how it affected their own life and the lives of people around them. The generation growing up now need to know that Christianity does not equal perfection as MANY try to portray, it is only knowing that you are in NEED of a PERFTECT SAVIOUR (JESUS CHRIST)! Yes this book is quite controversial, but only in the hands of a person that is not well learned, which many of you are knowledgeable. And I would not just give this book to anyone and walk away without being there to explain from a more BIBLICAL POINT OF VIEW of what God's ultimate plan for sexual purity. I am very happy to see that many people are knowledgeable in the Word, but make no mistake, this book is not the end all be all for sexual purity, its only a conversation starter.

Technical Virgin by Hayley DiMarco is another of her outstanding books that pull no punches and have totally plain talk and facts about sex which teenage girls need to know. The statistics of STDs in young teens is appalling, and DiMarco tells the straight facts about how "just messing around but not going all the way" can also cause a person to get sexually transmitted diseases, depression, and other severe health and psychological problems, in addition to the risk of pregnancy. The book is written for Christian girls and their parents but would be beneficial to all teens, male or female, to know the facts. As unbelievable as it seems to parents and older generations, a large percentage of girls from early teens are engaged in all types of sexual activity, even when they have pledged abstinance, because to these young people nothing but intercourse is considered sex. Parents, this is a MUST READ with your daughter.

Absolutely the most offensive book I have seen in my life.
I feel incredibly sorry for any young girl who would look to this book seeking answers about how to deal with their sexuality.
This book does nothing more than condemn young women for perfectly natural thoughts, and suggest that all men are purely sex-obsessed morons who cannot think for themselves. Trying to create a sense of guilt for being human is a completely ridiculous and dangerous notion, the girls who buy into the garbage in this book are the same girls who feel like it's their own fault if they are sexually assaulted later in their lives.
The "facts" presented in this book are 100% opinion based, with little to no effort having been put into researching what she is actually writing about. Even definitions taken from the dictionary have been misunderstood, reworded, and taken out of context to make all young women appear to be moral-destroying harlots for simply wearing lipgloss. The author of this book has clearly never set foot out of her morally upstanding imagination and seen the world for what it is. Teenage sexuality is a hugely important part of growing up, and teenagers need more than a book telling them they are bound for Hell, they need an understanding network of family members and friends they can confide in if they are unsure what they should do, and admit when they have slipped up.
The only redeemable quality this book has is that it is flammable, so please do NOT give this book to any young woman in your life unless she has a difficult time lighting the campfire.
I only wish I could give it zero stars.