Tell Me No Lies [Paperback]

Ellyn Bader Ph.D. (Author), Peter T. Pearson Ph.D. (Author), Judith D. Schwartz (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: December 14, 2001

Lying-For Better or Worse

Everybody lies. Friends lie to friends. Children lie to their parents. Politicians lie to constituents. And, inevitably, husbands and wives lie to each other. Lies between lovers have tremendous potential to both nurture and destroy a relationship. It is easy to underestimate the power that lies-even seemingly harmless lies-can wield in your marriage. Tell Me No Lies explores the complexity of honesty versus deception in marriage and reveals the many reasons behind the lies we tell our partners (and ourselves).

Learn the four marital stages:
* The Honeymoon
* Emerging Differences
* Freedom
* Together as Two

Discover how to recognize how lying can lead to serious trouble at each stage. The signs include:
* The Dark Side of the Honeymoon, when couples refuse to acknowledge any problems
* The Stalemate, when couples fight and brutalize each other with exaggerated truths
* Freedom Unhinged, when independence outweighs togetherness and marital anarchy ensues.

Offering a new way of thinking about truth and deception, this book will help you understand the dynamics of your marriage in the context of the marital stages. If you can identify your marital stage, you can overcome the barriers to honesty and move on to a happier and more fulfilling marriage!

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson are internationally recognized experts on couples therapy and cofounders and directors of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California. They maintain an active lecture and workshop schedule for couples and professionals, and they have appeared on a variety of radio talk shows. Bader served as President of the International Transactional Analysis Association; Pearson is a Consulting Associate Professor at Stanford University. They are also the authors of In Quest of the Mythical Mate, which received the Clark Vincent Award for its outstanding contribution to the field of marital therapy from The California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. They live in Menlo Park and have three daughters.

Judith D. Schwartz is a widely published writer with a specialty in psychology. The author of The Mother Puzzle, she lives in Bennington, Vermont with her husband, Tony Eprile, and their son, Brendan.

Product Details

• Paperback: 256 pages
• Publisher: Golden Guides from St. Martin's Press; Reprint edition (December 14, 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0312280629
• ISBN-13: 978-0312280628
• Product Dimensions: 8.9 x 6 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 10.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (6 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #50,478 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Judith D. Schwartz is a longtime freelance writer whose work has appeared in venues from Glamour and Redbook to The Christian Science Monitor and The New York Times. She is the author of several books, including Tell Me No Lies: How to Face the Truth and Build a Loving Marriage (coauthored) and The Therapist's New Clothes. She has an MA in counseling psychology and an MS from the Columbia Graduate School of Journalism. She lives with her family in Southern Vermont. Visit her website at www.judithdschwartz.com

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

24 of 25 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars a primer for sharing the truth January 3, 2002

By Elliott I. Alvarado

Format:Paperback

This is the book that I should have read years ago. Dr.s Bader and Pearson use a lively case study method. They introduce several couples and then draw you into their personal stories. You're hooked, you want to finish the book to see how each couple finally resolves their problem.

In addition, they distill years of experience into a well organized presentation about how truth and lying are seen and manipulated in marriage. Epiphanies exploded around me as I discovered how I had obstructed the truth and lied to my wife. Awareness also grew about how she had denied the truth to herself and how I had enabled her to do that.

By the time this review makes it online, my own marriage of 16 years will have ended in divorce. It's a sad thing, but in trying to make the best one can out of these kind of situations I have sent a copy of the book to my ex-wife. Hopefully, she will learn something too.

The book highlighted several ironies about truth; for example, it requires two people to tell a lie, and it requires two people to witness the truth (to say it and to hear it). One interesting and important point that the book addresses is when the truth should be shared. Generally, if the truth is going to be shared and if it will cause pain, then the person telling the truth must judge whether they are telling that truth just to hurt the other person. Or, and this is a very big IF, if they are ready to take responsibility and repair the damage. The former suggests that the truth not be shared, the latter does.

It's a lively, easy read. I found highlighting the most relevant sections to be very useful and easy to do. If you have a problem with truth in your relationship or want to prevent one, I would highly suggest this book. Buy two, one for you and your partner.

18 of 19 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars The key to healthy relationships August 5, 2002

By Christa Laririt

Format:Paperback

I recommend Tell Me No Lies for every couple because it is a guide for obtaining the ideal relationship. Yet even if one's relationship with a partner is far from ideal, many insights found here are useful for directing communication away from defensiveness and towards honesty and openness. The authors cover a broad range of scenarios that may occur involving personal goals, parenting, financial issues, etc. A couple's interactions with each other also influences their relationships with friends and family members. Recognizing and addressing our own bad habits, even the little ones that we tend to justify or disregard, is one of the most helpful steps we can take. This book is also helpful in recognizing when one's partner is being dishonest and in learning steps to get through to the real problem that is being covered up. While offering practical approaches, the authors are realistic about the difficulty of this process and explain why it is important for the relationship that we face this fear. Overcoming barriers while using compassion and sensitivity ultimately promotes healing and growth within both the self and the couple. Reading Tell Me No Lies serves as a powerful reminder to be honest with ourselves in order to be honest with our partner and have a win-win relationship.

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars A must for marital clients April 29, 2009

By FreeToBeMe

Format:Paperback

If you practice professional therapy this book is a must have for your library. Marriage involves many secrets, deceptions, and lies whether blatantly practiced or not and this book is great at uncovering them. Your clients will need follow up conversations after reading these but this book serves as a great adjunct to martial therapy.

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Great Book December 19, 2011

By JUAN

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

This a great book for people that have a really hard time with lying. I wish I could have read this book years ago and maybe I could have confronted alot more issue head on instead lying my way through life which created more lies. If you are a habitual liar this book is great to read or if you have hurt someone through lying.

BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE - Ghandi

5.0 out of 5 stars Lies in relationships July 22, 2012

By Colleen58

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

Excellent and thorough exploration of how people use lies in relationships and at different stages of developmental growth. I will be going back to this book frequently as a reference when working with couples.

5.0 out of 5 stars Everyone lies - here is why August 24, 2011

By Qylie

Format:Paperback

These guys are so helpful! Read the book you won't be disappointed! This book is helpful and gives practical and useful advice.