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Tell Me No Lies
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26 of 27 people found the following review helpful
on January 3, 2002
This is the book that I should have read years ago. Dr.s Bader and Pearson use a lively case study method. They introduce several couples and then draw you into their personal stories. You're hooked, you want to finish the book to see how each couple finally resolves their problem.
In addition, they distill years of experience into a well organized presentation about how truth and lying are seen and manipulated in marriage. Epiphanies exploded around me as I discovered how I had obstructed the truth and lied to my wife. Awareness also grew about how she had denied the truth to herself and how I had enabled her to do that.
By the time this review makes it online, my own marriage of 16 years will have ended in divorce. It's a sad thing, but in trying to make the best one can out of these kind of situations I have sent a copy of the book to my ex-wife. Hopefully, she will learn something too.
The book highlighted several ironies about truth; for example, it requires two people to tell a lie, and it requires two people to witness the truth (to say it and to hear it). One interesting and important point that the book addresses is when the truth should be shared. Generally, if the truth is going to be shared and if it will cause pain, then the person telling the truth must judge whether they are telling that truth just to hurt the other person. Or, and this is a very big IF, if they are ready to take responsibility and repair the damage. The former suggests that the truth not be shared, the latter does.
It's a lively, easy read. I found highlighting the most relevant sections to be very useful and easy to do. If you have a problem with truth in your relationship or want to prevent one, I would highly suggest this book. Buy two, one for you and your partner.
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18 of 19 people found the following review helpful
on August 5, 2002
I recommend Tell Me No Lies for every couple because it is a guide for obtaining the ideal relationship. Yet even if one's relationship with a partner is far from ideal, many insights found here are useful for directing communication away from defensiveness and towards honesty and openness. The authors cover a broad range of scenarios that may occur involving personal goals, parenting, financial issues, etc. A couple's interactions with each other also influences their relationships with friends and family members. Recognizing and addressing our own bad habits, even the little ones that we tend to justify or disregard, is one of the most helpful steps we can take. This book is also helpful in recognizing when one's partner is being dishonest and in learning steps to get through to the real problem that is being covered up. While offering practical approaches, the authors are realistic about the difficulty of this process and explain why it is important for the relationship that we face this fear. Overcoming barriers while using compassion and sensitivity ultimately promotes healing and growth within both the self and the couple. Reading Tell Me No Lies serves as a powerful reminder to be honest with ourselves in order to be honest with our partner and have a win-win relationship.
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5 of 5 people found the following review helpful
on December 19, 2011
This a great book for people that have a really hard time with lying. I wish I could have read this book years ago and maybe I could have confronted alot more issue head on instead lying my way through life which created more lies. If you are a habitual liar this book is great to read or if you have hurt someone through lying.

BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE - Ghandi
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5 of 6 people found the following review helpful
on March 2, 2014
I'm the liar in this situation reading the book trying to get a better outlook on why I have gone out of my way it seems to hide the truth from my family and friends at times. There is a lot of great views from a variety of standpoints in this book. It has made me look at me and my faults in a way that doesn't make me feel like total crap about the pain i caused my family ( i feel like crap just the read doesn't press it ). If your getting lied to or lying reading this will help you understand how both sides can help make a change. Then it's all on wisdom and courage to actually change from there. I said in title this book sucks cause it was hard to look inside myself and without being defensive just accept this s*** was all my fault.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
on April 29, 2009
If you practice professional therapy this book is a must have for your library. Marriage involves many secrets, deceptions, and lies whether blatantly practiced or not and this book is great at uncovering them. Your clients will need follow up conversations after reading these but this book serves as a great adjunct to martial therapy.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
on August 24, 2011
These guys are so helpful! Read the book you won't be disappointed! This book is helpful and gives practical and useful advice.
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on July 7, 2015
Ellyn Bader provides a wonderful and insightful look at the different ways that lies affects all relationships, with a particular focus on couples. Many different types of lies and reasons for lying allow the reader to conceptualize that there are usually two sides to this behavior and reasons behind each lie that is told. A brilliant book!
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on July 22, 2012
Excellent and thorough exploration of how people use lies in relationships and at different stages of developmental growth. I will be going back to this book frequently as a reference when working with couples.
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on June 27, 2013
My husband read this and couldn't put it down. It certainly enlightened him. It helped him understand himself and gave him courage 5o change. I would recommend this book in a heartbeat.
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on October 21, 2014
I loved reading this book ! Very interesting
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