on January 3, 2002
This is the book that I should have read years ago. Dr.s Bader and Pearson use a lively case study method. They introduce several couples and then draw you into their personal stories. You're hooked, you want to finish the book to see how each couple finally resolves their problem.
In addition, they distill years of experience into a well organized presentation about how truth and lying are seen and manipulated in marriage. Epiphanies exploded around me as I discovered how I had obstructed the truth and lied to my wife. Awareness also grew about how she had denied the truth to herself and how I had enabled her to do that.
By the time this review makes it online, my own marriage of 16 years will have ended in divorce. It's a sad thing, but in trying to make the best one can out of these kind of situations I have sent a copy of the book to my ex-wife. Hopefully, she will learn something too.
The book highlighted several ironies about truth; for example, it requires two people to tell a lie, and it requires two people to witness the truth (to say it and to hear it). One interesting and important point that the book addresses is when the truth should be shared. Generally, if the truth is going to be shared and if it will cause pain, then the person telling the truth must judge whether they are telling that truth just to hurt the other person. Or, and this is a very big IF, if they are ready to take responsibility and repair the damage. The former suggests that the truth not be shared, the latter does.
It's a lively, easy read. I found highlighting the most relevant sections to be very useful and easy to do. If you have a problem with truth in your relationship or want to prevent one, I would highly suggest this book. Buy two, one for you and your partner.
on August 5, 2002
I recommend Tell Me No Lies for every couple because it is a guide for obtaining the ideal relationship. Yet even if one's relationship with a partner is far from ideal, many insights found here are useful for directing communication away from defensiveness and towards honesty and openness. The authors cover a broad range of scenarios that may occur involving personal goals, parenting, financial issues, etc. A couple's interactions with each other also influences their relationships with friends and family members. Recognizing and addressing our own bad habits, even the little ones that we tend to justify or disregard, is one of the most helpful steps we can take. This book is also helpful in recognizing when one's partner is being dishonest and in learning steps to get through to the real problem that is being covered up. While offering practical approaches, the authors are realistic about the difficulty of this process and explain why it is important for the relationship that we face this fear. Overcoming barriers while using compassion and sensitivity ultimately promotes healing and growth within both the self and the couple. Reading Tell Me No Lies serves as a powerful reminder to be honest with ourselves in order to be honest with our partner and have a win-win relationship.
on April 29, 2009
If you practice professional therapy this book is a must have for your library. Marriage involves many secrets, deceptions, and lies whether blatantly practiced or not and this book is great at uncovering them. Your clients will need follow up conversations after reading these but this book serves as a great adjunct to martial therapy.