Tell Me No Lies: How to Face the Truth and Build a Loving Marriage [Hardcover]

Ellyn Bader (Author), Peter T. Pearson (Author), Judith Schwartz (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: August 8, 2000

Lying-For Better or Worse

Everybody lies. Friends lie to friends. Children lie to their parents. Politicians lie to constituents. And, inevitably, husbands and wives lie to each other.

Lies between lovers can be highly electric; they have tremendous potential to both nurture and destroy a relationship. It is easy to underestimate the power that lies-even seemingly harmless lies-can wield in your marriage. Tell Me No Lies explores the complexity of honesty versus deception in marriage.

Tell Me No Lies offers a riveting account of the lies we tell our partners (and ourselves) in marriage. Some people lie because they lack the nerve to tell their partners what they feel, while others are so terrified of hearing the truth that they encourage their mates to lie to them, thus falling into "Lie Invitee" behavior. This book examines the four marital stages-The Honeymoon, Emerging Differences, Freedom, and Together as Two-and how deception interferes with development in each of the stages. For example, couples in the Honeymoon stage are often under the illusion that they are perfectly content and have everything in common.

This book also illustrates how each of these stages can go awry, leading to more dangerous lies such as those in: The Dark Side of the Honeymoon, when couples refuse to acknowledge any problems; the Stalemate, when couples fight and brutalize each other with exaggerated truths; and Freedom Unhinged, when independence outweighs togetherness and marital anarchy ensues.

Offering a new way of thinking about truth and deception, this book will help you understand the dynamics of your marriage in the context of the marital stages. If you can identify your marital stage, you can overcome the barriers to honesty and move on to a happier and more fulfilling marriage!

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

After 15 years "studying marital communication" as coordinators of the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, Calif., Bader and Pearson (a married couple themselves) share the secrets to uncovering, understanding and recovering from lies between husbands and wives. Based on the presumption that "everybody lies," this highly detailed manual explains why lying happens, how it harms relationships (and those who lie) and what the underlying motivations may be. With many examples from their practice and their own marriage, Bader and Pearson guide readers through the deceptive traps common to what they cast as each of the four stages of relationships: Honeymoon, Emerging Differences, Freedom to Explore and Together as Two. Examining the "dark side" of each stage, the authors show how "lies in a marriage cause wanton destruction." In the idyllic honeymoon phase, slight imperfections can provoke secret resentments, while differences between partners can later cause a "seething stalemate" if not balanced honestly and respectfully. Freedom to grow can slip into an "anything goes" mode, involving rebellious drinking or money dealings, or sexual infidelity. Even seemingly innocuous lies, intended to spare feelings and maintain equilibrium in a marriage, can backfire or become obsolete over time. At the book's end, Bader and Pearson provide a nine-step process for revealing a difficult truth. The rest of their self-help manual may be better used in conjunction with professional counseling, as it can be dauntingly complex. At least one chapter, addressing the "Lie Invitee," may push readers too far, leaving them feeling blamed for another's deception. Perhaps Bader and Pearson can guide clients through these difficult events in person, but their advice on the printed page may not offer enough help for couples in trouble. (Aug.)
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.

About the Author

Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson are internationally recognized experts on couples therapy and cofounders and directors of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California. They maintain an active lecture and workshop schedule for couples and professionals, and they have appeared on a variety of radio talk shows. Bader served as President of the International Transactional Analysis Association; Pearson is a Consulting Associate Professor at Stanford University. They are also the authors of In Quest of the Mythical Mate, which received the Clark Vincent Award for its outstanding contribution to the field of marital therapy from The California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. They live in Menlo Park and have three daughters.

Judith D. Schwartz is a widely published writer with a specialty in psychology. The author of The Mother Puzzle, she lives in Bennington, Vermont with her husband, Tony Eprile, and their son, Brendan.

Product Details

• Hardcover: 288 pages
• Publisher: Golden Books Adult Publishing; First Edition edition (August 8, 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0312262388
• ISBN-13: 978-0312262389
• Product Dimensions: 9.6 x 6.4 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (7 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #716,645 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

11 of 11 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Spectacular, November 25, 2000

By 

James P. Hutt, Ph.D., MFT (Menlo Park, CA USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Tell Me No Lies: How to Face the Truth and Build a Loving Marriage (Hardcover)

It is difficult to imagine how lies and lying could be expounded upon in such a remarkable way! But Bader & Pearson have done it, and have done it better than one might imagine. For this is not simply a book about the impact of lying upon relationships, it is a dissertation on the essence of intimacy and the secret of how to grow close to one another.

Every couple who is truly committed to the growth of their marriage would benefit from this book. In addition, all clinicians who dare to work with couples need to all but memorize this volume. But don't be fooled by the ease of the read--there is much to be absorbed here, and the true student of human relationships, or the curious couple, will find that one pass through these deceptively deep pages is not nearly enough. Bader & Pearson's breadth of knowledge is evident throughout the entire manuscript, and no doubt, they have a scholarly understanding of philosophy as well as psychology. Somehow they are able to blend their clinical knowledge with their awareness of the vicissitudes of Silicon Valley without developing a severe case of cynicism.

Needless to say, no other author/couple has woven into their work their own marriage in such a real way, and yet has no axe to grind. All of us in the clinical field owe a debt of gratitude to these two for what they have written, and the fact they had the wisdom to write. The married and the about to be married are likewise blessed to have the material at their finger tips that can be found in Tell Me No Lies.

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Incredibly Illuminating - Worth a Read!, November 4, 2000

By A Customer

This review is from: Tell Me No Lies: How to Face the Truth and Build a Loving Marriage (Hardcover)

Reading this book was a great experience. I will never be able to look at the relationships in my life in the same way again. The authors, who are married to one another, provide such practical, useful, and totally accurate insights into the mistakes that couples make and offer realistic, implementable, sustenable solutions to unravel the mess that these mistakes create. In spite of it being a pretty slim book, I had to read it in small doses because there is a lot to take in. Every other page there comes an example that truly speaks to you and you need to put the book down to digest what you have just read before continuing further. This was one of those rare gems - a self-help book that is not "preachy" in tone and unrealistic in its solutions. Also, the whole concept of being a "Lie Invitee" is mind-boggling. I think book is definitely helpful and worth reading.

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The truth about lies, August 25, 2000

By 

Mark Brady (Los Altos, CA USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Tell Me No Lies: How to Face the Truth and Build a Loving Marriage (Hardcover)

Every once in a while, you come across a book where it's obvious that the author(s) know their subject in extraordinary depth. They know every single square centimeter of their topic, from the gross to the elegant, from the subtle to the sublime. Bader and Pearson know lies and lying. They have spent decades confronting them, in their long-time therapy practices and inside the crucible that has unmistakeably been their own marriage. They also deeply understand and respect the well-researched and documented stages of human and relationship development, stages which have certain aspects and qualities that can almost predict the kinds and frequency of the lies that will inevitably get told. The real power and strength of this book is two-fold: first, these couples therapists shine a bright light on the system that lies get told within and identify the ways and means that people in relationships "invite" lies to be told to them. This alone is an eye-opening revelation. Secondly, and most importantly, rather than telling me to "Stop lying", Bader and Pearson invite me to use the lies that are often a simple fact of life as instances to practice and expand awareness, as stepping stones for growth, learning and intimacy.

I'd be lying if I gave this book anything less than a wholehearted endorsement.