The Tending Instinct: How Nurturing is Essential to Who We Are and How We Live [Hardcover]

Shelley E. Taylor (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: May 8, 2002 | ISBN-10: 0805068376 | ISBN-13: 978-0805068375 | Edition: 1st

A groundbreaking work that reveals how the instinct to "tend and befriend" is vital for human society.

In times of crisis and upheaval, our responses to stress become especially important. We have long heard about the "fight or flight" response, but renowned psychologist Shelley E. Taylor points out that hardwired in females -- both humans and those of other species -- is an instinct that can transcend "fight or flight." Their "tend and befriend" response is not only demonstrable but, as Taylor deftly explains in this eye-opening work, a key ingredient in human social life.

With great skill and insight, Taylor examines stress, relationships, and human society through the special lens of women's biology. She draws on genetics, evolutionary psychology, physiology, and neuroscience to show how this tending process begins virtually at the moment of conception and literally crafts the biology of offspring through genes that rely on caregiving for their expression. Taylor also examines what drives women to seek each other's company, and to tend to the young and the infirm -- acts that greatly benefit the group but often at great cost to the individual.

In the tradition of works such as Daniel Goleman's Emotional Intelligence and Steven Pinker's The Language Instinct, Taylor's book will forever change the way we view ourselves, and will revolutionize our understanding of the role of women and nurturing in maintaining a stable society.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Taylor, a psychology professor at UCLA, makes the claim that "we are fundamentally a nurturant species," biologically programmed to "tend and befriend" one another. As an expert in stress, she has long seen a deficiency in the dominant theory that only the "fight or flight" instinct has motivated humans and facilitated our survival and evolution. Taylor's theory is based solidly on clinical studies and observations, along with a meticulous review of the old nature-versus-nurture argument. Contending that caregiving, altruism and cooperation are helpful and even necessary for survival of the species, and in fact instinctive and biological in origin, Taylor thoroughly explores animal and human behaviors and brain functions. She presents this fascinating material in a highly readable voice and text, with nearly 80 pages of endnotes for those wishing to pursue further study of her claims and extensive documentation. Clearly demonstrating the adverse effects of lack of "tending and befriending" in terms of physical and mental health, longevity, crime and a host of other social ills, Taylor claims that "the prevailing view of self-interest as a dominant human motivation has led to a self-fulfilling prophecy." Taylor offers an alternative that recognizes and encourages what she sees as essential and instinctive social skills, bonding, and support, arguing strongly that this heretofore ignored aspect of human nature can and should be respected and cultivated for the benefit (and continued survival) of individuals, families, groups, businesses and societies.
Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

From Library Journal

Sure, there's "fight or flight," but, argues psychologist Taylor, women also have an instinct for "tend and befriend"Da deeply ingrained trait that benefits society.
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 320 pages
• Publisher: Times Books; 1st edition (May 8, 2002)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0805068376
• ISBN-13: 978-0805068375
• Product Dimensions: 9.4 x 6.3 x 1.2 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.4 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (7 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #906,558 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Discover books, learn about writers, read author blogs, and more.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

11 of 12 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Solid, scientific and eminently readable, October 27, 2003

By 

Dr Cathy Goodwin (Seattle, WA USA) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)    (TOP 500 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Tending Instinct: How Nurturing is Essential to Who We Are and How We Live (Hardcover)

Shelley Taylor has pulled off a coup, integrating scientific research with anecdotes from her own life and translating academic jargon into readable prose.

Men and women differ in the way they respond to stress. After a hard day's work, men want to be alone; women spend more time with the children. And it is this tending instinct that keeps a society together and makes individuals healthier.

Men and women differ in other ways that influence social interaction, says Taylor. Men's groups are more hierarchical, women's more informational. Married men live longer than single men, and women fare better during times of major crisis, such as the dissolution of the Communist bloc.

Another key theme: Nurturing is essential to well-being. A nurturant parent can override genes that would predispose a child toward aggression, depression or other disorders.

Much of what Taylor writes will not seem radically new, but cumulatively, chapter to chapter, she builds a case for recognizing the importance of nurturing and the style of interaction known as traditionally female.

Because Taylor is a psychologist, rather than sociologist, it's not surprising that she omits suggestions and implications. Many well-educated citizens, for instance, resent payments to welfare mothers, yet Taylor's findings emphasize that paying women to nurture their children can save millions of dollars by keeping those children out of the criminal justice system.

A sociologist could point out that in fact tending seems to be punished by society. "Nurturant" occupations, such as teaching and social work, typically pay less than more aggressive occupations, such as policing. In medicine, surgeons make the most while pediatricians and psychiatrists earn the least, on average.

Taylor also ignores outliers -- the non-nurturing female and the nurturing male. -- who occupy ambivalent roles in many societies. And while she says that friends will become the most important social relationship, as we move farther from families, I find that friendship bonds often are formed based on family status. A married but childless woman says, "People my age are having babies!" and I say, "Women my age are getting visits from the grandchildren!"

As an academic, Taylor herself anticipates comments on what's working and what's missing, and she has made an exceptionally strong contribution here. I am recommending this book to readers who want to learn more about stress as well as those who are fascinated by the eternal "how men differ from women" puzzle.

7 of 7 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Redressing the balance, February 23, 2003

By 

Tom Beakbane (Toronto, Ontario Canada) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Tending Instinct: How Nurturing is Essential to Who We Are and How We Live (Hardcover)

When Darwin wrote that man attains "a higher eminence, in whatever he takes up, than can woman - whether requiring deep thought, reason, or imagination, or merely the use of the senses and hands," he was echoing what had been known to be true since the time of Aristotle. Taylor explains clearly and with compelling authority why this traditional viewpoint is so wide of the mark.

In marketing, the discipline in which I work it is quite evident that the world of consumer commerce revolves around the tending and befriending instincts of woman. Taylor grasps the fundamental principles of marketing better than all the commonly used textbooks. The reason is they all start out from the Darwinian perspective that humans are at core selfish. If the human brain was a computer that was programmed by evolution then the dog-eat-dog perspective might be tenable. However mammals tend their young - they have to, so the urge to nurture is a necessary part of human nature. Taylor makes it abundantly clear that it is a feminine trait - not masculine.

This book is excellent at explaining the connection between befriending and stress. It makes an excellent companion book to Hrdy's book "Mother Nature," an anthropologist, also from UCLA, that explains more details about lactation and mothering.

For woman readers this book should be inspiring and validating. For men... well it is sobering and in spots embarassing.

Thank you Shelley!

4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Greatly informative & highly recommended!, June 3, 2002

By 

MyParenTime.com "myparentimesfamily" (USA) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)   

This review is from: The Tending Instinct: How Nurturing is Essential to Who We Are and How We Live (Hardcover)

Human beings are very complex individuals -- we are all driven to make a place in the world, yet we have different means to achieve this place...different behaviors that allow us to "survive."

In the book, "The Tending Instinct," the author shows how men and women differ in their responses in times of need. According to the author, women are born with a "nurturing" quality and tend to seek support from others during times of stress. During these times, women will also reach out to help others. This natural "tending instinct" that women have, is vital in a society and also beneficial to children who are exposed to this instinctive behavior at an early age.

MyParenTime.com highly recommends the book, "The Tending Instinct" -- this book is wonderful! It is clearly written and very interesting. Readers will find it greatly informative!