5 of 5 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Dog Overboard!, December 21, 2006
This review is from: Terror Storm (DVD)
I have certainly seen more than my share of bad movies, but this one rests in the hallowed pantheon of movies so wretched that they are almost impossible to watch. In fact, "Terror Storm" probably is so bad that nobody but grizzled B-movie veterans can possibly survive it. The story starts with a tourist boat (the "Moby Dick," no kidding) taking people on a Gilliganesque three hour tour in the Caribbean. Note that the occupants include a whiny child, a pregnant woman, and a rich woman and her dog, Christmas, so we know they have trouble ahead. Meanwhile a flight on an old propeller driven airliner crosses overhead with an Ernest Borgnine doppelgänger onboard. To top it off with there is a fishing boat placidly cruising around trolling for cod. You may suspect that something bad is about to happen.
Well, something bad did happen: the movie continued to play in my DVD player. We learn that a huge cyclone (in the Atlantic?) is heading for this fictional island central to the plot. The storm hits the boats, though they only seem to rock slightly under the "enormous waves," here simulated with a fire hose (really.) For no well defined reason, the tourist boat gets lost and drifts to uncharted waters, the fishing boat sinks with no explanation, and the plane has to shut an engine down which means (for some reason) that they have to ditch in the cyclone. Please understand that this all happens within about a square acre. (What are the chances?)
The second half quickly morphs into a blatant "Jaws" ripoff (there is even a guy in the boat who appears to be a Robert Shaw impersonator,) only with no scariness or special effects. We see stock footage of sharks. We see footage of people. What we don't see is footage of people and sharks in the same scene. Don't worry though, as when we do see closeups of the sharks they appear to be Nurse Sharks to me, as they have no teeth. (I'm not joking.)
Among all the commotion the director shows endless cutaways of clouds accompanied by extremely droning electronic music. Eventually the plane people find the fishing boat people, and they then join forces with the tourist boat people. This creates friction due to severe water rationing, which is why I have to pose this question: if you haven't had water in days and it suddenly starts to downpour (albeit on a cloudless day with a pattern that appears suspiciously hose-like) wouldn't you try to collect it in containers to keep for drinking rather than take a shower? Eventually Christmas annoys the wrong guy, who throws her overboard. This creates havoc and Christmas is rescued by another guy only to be eaten.
Yes. They ate the dog.
I should explain that through the film the cast spends roughly 75 percent of the time whimpering and whining to emphasize their plight, in the process winning the prize for most thoroughly disagreeable cast in film history. After the dog is served for brunch, we quickly move on to the next plotpoint, the baby delivery. I didn't get why the entire cast passed the baby around after it was born like a show and tell exhibit, but I would (seriously) have not been surprised if it was next up on the menu.
After the poodle meat is all gone, they invoke the soccer team plane crash in the Andes as justification to cut a hunk out of a dead guy to use as bait to catch a fish to eat. After this thumb size morsel is hacked out of the guy's back, they throw him overboard. Unfortunately their cunning plan involves tying the meat to a string and fishing for sharks while standing precariously on the prow of the boat. I bet none of you can see a problem with this tactic, either. After they cut their hands on the string and one guy comes dangerously close to being gummed to death by a Nurse Shark, they settle on a new plan: eat the dead guys. This prompts a hugely long and enormously pretentious theological debate on cannibalism, but eventually they set pieces of dead guy on the roof of the boat to dry like jerky. All are invited to treat him as a smorgasbord. (I swear, I am really not kidding.)
Finally the brain trust gets an idea to put a sail on the smaller boat (that originally belonging to the fishing trawler party) and seek rescue. They locate a passing tugboat in about ten minutes. Simultaneously the "Moby Dick" passengers accidentally dump all the potable water overboard in a huge brawl. When we catch back up after the tugboat rescue, the "Moby Dick" is gone and the passengers are floating holding on to lumber. I have no idea what happened to the boat, but must surmise that it exploded for no good reason or the brawl tore it apart. It's subtle nuance like that that makes this movie what it is.
Ultimately two small amphibious planes buzz over the survivors about fifty times before landing in the middle of a shark feeding frenzy and taking the few remaining survivors onboard. Mercifully there are no closing credits as the planes fly off (as an aside, the opening credits appear to have been made with a camcorder.)
This movie is excrement. It is painful to watch, plodding, and has characters which you can't help but loathe. I can only recommend this to extremely battle hardened grade-Z movie lovers who want to test their mettle. I can't believe that I lost 98 minutes of my life watching this thing.
Help other customers find the most helpful reviews
Was this review helpful to you? Yes
No
6 of 7 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
A TRUE DISASTER FLICK, June 3, 2006
This review is from: Terror Storm (DVD)
Released way back in 1978 as CYCLONE, this is one rotten movie. Filmed on a shoestring budget with mainly a Mexican cast, this howler focuses on the devastation wrought by a powerful and unexpected cyclone (I thought they were called cyclones in the Pacific, not the Atlantic?). The movie focuses on a tourist boat beset with stock characters and a dog named Christmas; a sailing vessel with scraggly fishermen; and the survivors of a downed aircraft. Meanwhile a band of vicious sharks (with no teeth?) attack and kill a majority of the actors. Carroll Baker (the sex symbol from BABY DOLL) plays the dog owner and veteran character actor Arthur Kennedy is the priest who objects to the prospects of cannibalism to stay alive. Extremely dated and dull.
Help other customers find the most helpful reviews
Was this review helpful to you? Yes
No
