Customer Reviews

Thank You for Being Such a Pain: Spiritual Guidance for Dealing with Difficult People

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_The central idea of this book is that there is a spiritual reason that we encounter difficult people (and that they encounter us.) As the author states, we are not on this earth just to have fun- we are here to refine our character, develop our talents, and contribute our unique gifts toward the greater good. Often this means that we are provided with the ideal foe- one that pushes all of our buttons. Instead of automatically striking back, we need to try to find out why this is so. That is why this book is so useful, for it not only lists every known way of trying to deal with another person that you have a problem with, but also with how to try to understand their motives.

_Still, to his credit, the author recognizes that there are those that are so unreasonable that we will have no choice but to cut them off- and perhaps warn others. You just don't do this until you have exhausted all other options. Also, it is recognized that it is healthy and normal to have extreme emotional reactions to difficult people (how many authority figures have you encountered that considered your anger a worse sin than the offense that triggered it?)

_I've come to the conclusion that the author is correct in his views. There are no coincidences in this life- not if we are sensitive and introspective enough to recognize and interpret them. Plus, the purpose of this life is to learn and grow- and often that means the pressure of conflict. In and of itself, conflict is not good- it is the effort to understand both your motivations and that of others that is of value.

_This book isn't a cure-all for interpersonal conflicts by any means. However it is a good basis for a "reasonable man's standard" to use with dealing with others. Don't be too upset if you encounter people on which the approach simply will not work. Personally, over the years I've notice that there seem to be more and more people who simply cannot see that they are violating other's rights- or they simply do not care. Maybe that is why we are here- to be a thorn in their side....

And remember- some people are merely different, not difficult.

This excellent book is almost a commentary on Joseph's remark to his brothers at Genesis 50:20: "Although you intended me harm, God intended it for good." For Mark Rosen's basic outlook is that "difficult" people are sent to us in fulfillment of Divine purposes, one of which is to help us grow spiritually.

I say "almost" because Rosen is careful not to assume that "difficult" people really _do_ intend harm; on the contrary, he repeatedly contends, many apparently difficult people don't really have any idea that they're doing something wrong. For that matter, many of them _aren't_ doing anything wrong; sometimes the problem is in ourselves only, and _we_ are the ones who are being "difficult." (Everybody is difficult to somebody, says Rosen. And genuine evil, he thinks, is a rarity, although it does exist.)

But however that may be, Rosen takes the view that there is a spiritual lesson for us hidden inside every one of our dealings with other people, that we will have to keep retaking the lesson until we learn it, and that ultimately the only way to guarantee that we can deal effectively with "difficult" people is to change ourselves in accordance with such lessons. And in chapter after chapter, he sets out exercises and questions that are intended to help us do just that.

Rosen's approach is firmly grounded in Judaism (and clearly inspired by the Musar movement, especially R. Moshe Hayyim Luzzatto's _The Path of the Upright_, from which Rosen quotes on page one). But he is careful to present advice that carries over to other religions and spiritual traditions, and indeed to quote from representatives of those traditions -- or of none -- when they have something apropos to say. (I like his choices; his quotations range from Ambrose Bierce's "Devil's Dictionary" to Saint Jerome to Shakespeare to Groucho Marx to the Christian New Testament.) It is therefore suitable for readers of any religious persuasion, although for obvious reasons it will be most helpful to readers who believe in a providential God.

The exercises themselves look helpful, and although I haven't tried many of them yet, they seem to comport very well with the sorts of things I already do. And aside from the exercises themselves, the book is full of terrific advice, in particular on the subject of taking an interest in other people's well-being without turning oneself into a doormat.

If Rosen's approach were more widely adopted, it would not only grease the wheels of our relationships with those we find "difficult," but also go some way toward restoring the idea of a "common good" to the place of respect it deserves. For Rosen's most essential advice is surely that we need not sacrifice our own interests in promoting those of others -- that, on the contrary, the most effective way of dealing with "difficult" people is to realize that we are on the same side if only we could see it.

We all know them: the driver who swerves into our lane as he's going around a curve, the nosy-body who inspects every aspect of our lives with a magnifying glass, or the co-worker who criticizes our decisions. No one Gets through life without encountering difficult peole, sometimes in our own homes where we can't avoid their irritating antics.

Mark Rosen, a management consultant and workshop leader who specializes in interpersonal conflict and communication, offers a new approach to dealing with difficult people. If we can see them as teachers sent to us for a purpose, we will find ourselves looking for the lessons we're meant to learn from these gadflies rather than swatting at them or shooing them away. Rosen helps the reader to understand the many causes of difficult personalities, because: "To understand everything is to forgive everything," as stated in the French proverb he shares. Then he shows us some of the ways we can learn from difficult relationships, how frequently the negative traits we find in others are a reflection of our own flaws, and how God sends us difficult people to get our attention.

Sometimes pain and frustration are necessary to stimulate our personal and spiritual growth. Rosen guides us gently through this concept so that we can give it serious consideration without feeling defensive. He uses a variety of illustrations to make his points, including the idea that prayer and meditation - working on our inner selves - can result in the transformation of our outer relationships. On the other hand, he shares his realization that encounters with other people, whether loving or difficult, provide opportunities to interact with the divine which are more conducive to his personal growth than "transitory spiritual experiences and abstract spiritual insights." Rosen offers this insight: "As spiritual pursuits, meditation and prayer are much easier than attempting to see the divine in a difficult person."

At times I found this book slow going because the catalog of suggestions seems to go on and on. However, readers with a specific "difficult person" problem could skip to the sections that would be most applicable. There are so many nuggets of wisdom in this book, it would probably be best to contemplate a few at a time and apply them as needed before attempting to gather them all. When we learn to thank another person "for being such a pain," we will be a channel of blessings for them as well as for ourselves.

Emily VanLaeys, author of DREAM WEAVING: USING DREAM GUIDANCE TO CREATE LIFE'S TAPESTRY

It took me several efforts to really start digging into Thank You for Being Such a Pain. Though conversationally written, I had to adjust my scholarly mindset to be open to the author's diligent reiteration that the book is based on his own personal philosophy, which is by no means the voice of authority. Because of this, I suspect I would prefer to attend one of the author's presentations over the book alone. That said, the book is thought-provoking but requires emotional calm and maturity from the reader, and an openness to the idea that the number of difficult people in one's life might simply be all in one's head.

If you are a person in crisis, desperately searching for strategies to deal with a difficult co-worker, spouse, or friend, this might not be the first book you want to pick up; especially if your eyeballs are spinning in their sockets. If you're ready to calmly move beyond the sense frustration that grips your waking moments and you aren't opposed to having some scripture tossed into the mix, Rosen's book might prove helpful.

I am finishing an internship position working under a supervisor whose leadership style was a mix of authoritarian/ laisse faire. Metaphorically, I was in boot camp/ either sinking or teaching myself to swim. I was weak with writing paperwork and it often resulted in my supervisor ridiculing me to the whole department. I sometimes had to stand up to the supervisor without unleashing my wrangling emotions. I had to be very clear, justify my actions and not hold resentment. In other words, discipline myself. This book gives the mentholated rub needed. It is very helpful. It is very instructional, offering lots of techniques, warmth, and beautiful insight into a painful situation. Yes it is a gem of a book. It allowed me to stay in the training and learn to be more effective and efficient. The big bonus is that I grew emotionally. I learned to sit more with difficult emotions.

This book was an enormous aid to me in dealing with some uncomfortable relationships. Putting the tensions in a spiritual context helped me to get a clearer sense of the learning that was taking place. This is a major tool for understanding and compassion. A must read!

I have told several people about this book and just loaned my copy to a friend. I found the exercises helpful as well, especially the one in which you write down things others have said to you that have affected you positively or negatively in your life. It gave me a deeper understanding of the power of our words. We don't always know how they will affect others. It is a great book becuase it reels you in with its title, but then makes you realize the role you play in your own difficulties with others within its pages. A valuable read!

This book gave me insights into the challenge of dealing with difficult people that I had never had before. Mark Rosen draws on a wide range of spiritual sources to address the complex issues of facing and dealing with people who are hard for us to deal with. I got some great new ideas and approaches for some of the really tough people. He also points out that we too may be difficult, it is not a one way street. I highly recommend this book for anyone seeking true, but not easy guidance for spiritual development.

I read most of the first section with gritted teeth, since it sounded to me like the author was making excuses for bad behavior and invalidating my feelings. I highlighted sentences here and there that I felt were relevant and took the rest with a large grain of salt. But after I finished reading it the first time, was actively implementing his suggestions and seeing significant results, I started the book again and saw it in a completely different light. What formerly made me grit my teeth now made sense - it's not as much about them as it is about me and my reaction. It's also hugely about my perception.

The annoying people are still annoying and probably always will be. However, the practical suggestions in this book have helped reduce the annoying person's wear and tear on me. When I'm not all churned up over other people's behavior, I enjoy my life a lot more.

Now, I read a few pages every morning before I go to work and I'm on my fourth time through. The pages are wrinkly from highlighting and it's almost time to buy a clean copy and start over. I can't believe how different my days are and how I don't feel totally wrung out when I get home in the evening. I'm also actually starting to get along with people who used to really push my buttons.

I've purchased this book for three of my friends, who also thought it was awesome, but they'll have to write their own reviews. Thank you, Dr. Rosen!!!

Mark Rosen, in his wonderfully titled book, "Thank You for Being Such a Pain," has an interesting point of view. He believes that dealing with the difficult people in our lives (and we all have them) can help us grow spiritually and emotionally. If we step back from a troubling situation and try to be objective about difficult people, whether they are our bosses, our relatives, our friends, or our neighbors, we can deal with them more effectively. Rosen goes further. He feels that there is a reason that difficult people come into our lives. They are there to teach us such important lessons as how NOT to treat other people. In addition, as we deal with people who are "pains in the neck," we can learn empathy and we can improve our communication skills. It sounds good, but does it work? I admit that I have to deal with some difficult people and I tried to use some of Dr. Rosen's advice. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. However, his words do come back to me during the course of the day, and I think that his message is worthwhile. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain from trying a new approach with those people who make your life miserable. Dr. Rosen's sense of humor and commonsense approach are refreshing and I recommend this book highly.