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The Accidental Assassin: An Island, A Poole, A Body... [Kindle Edition]

Jan Toms
4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (3 customer reviews)

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Book Description

Victor Green is 37, unmarried and works at the tax office. He lives alone and is the sort of man who irons his underpants. When Victor receives a letter from the council telling him to prune a lime tree in his front garden, he is anxious to oblige, although he is not much of a gardener and does not like heights. A disgruntled pigeon startles him and he falls from the tree, landing on a passer by. It takes a while for the police to discover that the victim is Tommy Hewson, a gangster generally known as Gruesome. The local paper misprints Victor's name, calling him Vincent Green, the name used by international hit-man Vincenzo Verdi. Expecting a turf war, two local gangs, the Pretty Boys and the Blues Brothers, embark on a campaign of destruction - both calling on the helpless Victor/Vincent to help. Inheriting Grusome's poodle, Fluffy, dubbed the Angle of Death, and pursued by a policeman's daughter, Victor's life is turned upside down. Making friends and enemies along the way, as well as leaving a trail of bodies in his wake, Victor's thrilling adventure will appeal to all crime fiction fans and leave you laughing out loud.

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Jan Toms has written articles for Island Life magazine, and is the author of The Little Book of the Isle of Wight.

Product Details

  • File Size: 380 KB
  • Print Length: 228 pages
  • Page Numbers Source ISBN: 0752462709
  • Publisher: The History Press (July 31, 2011)
  • Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B0078XH8F2
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Word Wise: Not Enabled
  • Lending: Not Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,320,109 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

4.3 out of 5 stars
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Amusing April 7, 2012
A simple job of pruning a lime tree in his garden leads Victor Green into a life of adventure that he hadn't envisaged in his wildest dreams. During the pruning he is startled by a pigeon and falls onto Tommy `Gruesome' Hewson and kills him.

What Victor doesn't know is that Gruesome is a notorious criminal and a member of a gang. This accident leads to a series of strange killings but it also leads Victor into getting a dog - Fluffy the poodle; and acquiring a girlfriend - Charity the daughter of a local policeman.

Featuring two rival gangs conducting a turf war on the Isle of Wight this is a quirky and entertaining story. If you have ever thought that life on the island must be quiet and peaceful then read this book because after reading it you will never look at the Isle of Wight in quite the same way again. The characters are amusing and the plot - while totally outrageous - is believable in the context of the characters. These particular characters would end up in these situations.

Victor himself is marvellously well done. He is a mild inoffensive individual getting on with his life working at the tax office and following his everyday domestic routines when he suddenly finds himself in the middle of a situation which he cannot control and doesn't understand. I enjoyed reading this book and it is well written. It provides an interesting portrait of the Isle of Wight as well. If you enjoy books such as Major Pettigrew's Last Stand or Mr. Rosenblum's List: Or Friendly Guidance for the Aspiring Englishman then you may enjoy this book.
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5.0 out of 5 stars Laughter IS the Best Medicine. November 19, 2014
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
First, thanks for the two great reviews by Danaskcat and Karen Hancock. There is no need for me to cover what they have done so well. So, I will risk talking about the delightful sex scenes. The title is a clear hint that this is to be a comedy/satire: and by the way, that word is "Poodle" not "Poole". Anyway the sex scenes, both "real" and imagined, are a hoot--literally. I have not had such sustained laughter while reading in a very long time. Our hero is a Walter-Middy-type-milquetoast who lives much of his time in his fantasies, wishes, and imagination. [He's not the only character who does so--as fantasy is a too-human escape.] However, such dare-to-be-imagined events become realized in the presence of the much-bored, much-bossy, and very handy character of a local policeman's daughter who far exceeds anything our hero has dared to imagine. As the blurb and reviews indicate, the adventures begin by our hero falling on (from a tree) and killing a (unbeknownst to him) gangster who represents one of the two island gangs. From thereon accidental assassinations abound as do sexual adventures as our hero comes to realize that real--and varied--women are really out there. He gains confidence as do 2 gay guys--ok--I'll stop there and just say more "romance." Indeed, Romeo and Juliet. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did and as did a distant friend when I read that first sex scene to her on the phone. I was relieved to find that she, too, was equally delighted and ordered the Kindle version for herself. One more thing: Jan Toms--more, more, more, please! PS--I reserve 5-stars for works with writing that excels--usually for figurative language and description--here for the beautiful handling of gentle (Horatian) satire and irony.
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4.0 out of 5 stars Great British Humor December 10, 2013
In The Accidental Assassin, a spoof of the suspense/thriller novel, Victor Green, a prim 37-year old tax examiner and poet, who is so particular with the details of his life that he irons his underwear, climbs a tree to prune the branches as ordered in a letter to him from the city. As he is pruning branches, a pigeon flies near him and causes him to fall from the tree. He isn’t injured, since he falls on a man walking under the tree, but is mortified because the fall has killed the man, whose name is Tommy Hewson. Constable Alan Grimes informs Victor that Hewson is known in mob circles as Gruesome, and that he is/was a vicious killer. Hewson’s dog, a white French poodle, is taken to the Dog’s Home (pound), but Victor rescues her and names her Fluffy.

Victor is very surprised, of course, when he receives a letter containing a check for £20,000, so he puts it in the bank assuming it is an error. Unbeknownst to him, the newspaper reporting the accident reported his name as Vincent Green, which is an alias of the powerful and much sought after assassin who works for the mob, Vincenzo Verdi. Victor receives other checks and messages for meetings.

As the story unfolds, Victor just happens to be in the vicinity of several other mobster and gangland killings and becomes well known by two local gangs who think the other has had their men killed. He meets the constable’s pushy and overbearing daughter, Charity, and she becomes his first girlfriend; he is relieved since several of his acquaintances think he’s gay. Charity suspects Victor is involved in something to do with the gang murders, and does her own investigation.
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