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The Bialy Pimps [Kindle Edition]

Johnny B. Truant
4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (53 customer reviews)

Digital List Price: $4.99 What's this?
Kindle Price: $4.99 includes free wireless delivery via Amazon Whispernet

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Book Description

Life is good at Bingham's Bagel Deli. The loathed customers are dealt the poor treatment they seem to deserve, bad rap music is played loudly, and The Rat is killed often enough to stem his immortality. And the insane homeless regulars -- like drunken Little Johnny Redbeard -- keep life interesting.

But when a rival tricks the crew into thinking that the deli's closure is imminent, they do the only logical thing: instead of giving up, they decide to go out in a blaze of glory, handing their customers the humiliation and abuse that the pesky social contract had previously forbidden. But as insults turn to assaults and snide remarks turn to harassment and pro wrestling moves, a strange thing happens. Business goes up -- way up -- as people come back in droves, begging for more.

But the flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long, and as pop-culture welcomes the parody musical group "The Bialy Pimps" and its frivolous merchandising machine -- and as the crew pushes to see how much bad behavior society will accept -- the violent road to fame begins to feel like a runaway train, out of control and headed for destruction…

The Bialy Pimps is a tale that could only be spun by the twisted, vaguely profane mind of outspoken blogger Johnny B. Truant. Combining hilarity with questions about conformity and whether the tail or the dog is the one doing the wagging, this story can't help but raise a question for the reader: If the rest of your friends decided to submit to the Face-Kicking Machine, would you do it too?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Johnny B. Truant is a regular contributor to premier business blogs Copyblogger and Problogger, the director and MC of the Virtual Ticket program for Blogworld, the world’s preeminent blogging and new media conference, and the creator of The Badass Project, a nonprofit organization dedicated to eliminating excuses and profiling people with disabilities who make most so-called “able-bodied” people look like total wimps.


Product Details

  • File Size: 731 KB
  • Print Length: 413 pages
  • Simultaneous Device Usage: Unlimited
  • Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B0078X2PJ6
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray: Enabled
  • Lending: Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #225,642 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

I was up until 2 in the morning finishing the book. Jessica Christie  |  7 reviewers made a similar statement
I love how the characters are being developed. A Review From Me!  |  8 reviewers made a similar statement
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
47 of 47 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Like Fight Club, but stupid March 30, 2012
Format:Kindle Edition
This book is stupid.

It's about a bunch of slackers hanging out and being slackers. The plot oscillates between ridiculous and boring. (After all, it's about a bunch of slackers hanging out and being slackers.) The humor is, for the most part, puerile and sophomoric.

So why am I giving it a 5-star review?

Because I laughed SO HARD I could barely breathe. Tears streaming down my face, laughing so loud that my wife had to get up and leave the room so she could read her own book (which was far less funny). I laughed more while reading The Bialy Pimps than while reading Terry Pratchett's Snuff, and that's a damn funny book.

Because one point in the predominantly ridiculous/boring plot gave me chills all the way up my spine, and got me thinking about the nature of reality.

Because it's important. It's meaningful. In amongst all the silly stuff, there's a deep message. A diamond in the bagel pile. A twist that actually reminded me of Fight Club, but that impacted me even more because I wasn't expecting a diamond to be in the bagel pile.

The Bialy Pimps will live forever in my heart.

That's kind of embarrassing, kind of worrisome, and kind of TOTALLY AWESOME.
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14 of 14 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars An absolute-definite must read March 17, 2012
Format:Kindle Edition|Amazon Verified Purchase
I was going to say The Bialy Pimps is like a lovely glass of wine, but I doubt the pimps would like that. Beer, maybe...but...meh. To hell with it; I'm going to say it.

The Bialy Pimps is like a glass of surprisingly fine wine. Not a cabernet sauvignon--too common. Maybe a bold, earthy pinot noir. A decadently rich gewürztraminer. At times I was sure it was a flamboyant, twenty-year port at once elegant, mysterious, and charming. Not too sweet, but rich and complex with layers and layers alternating between citrusy-spice and honey-vanilla-chocolaty-fruit spiked with suddenly shocking smoke and outbursts of indescribable hilarity that made me laugh until I cried.

Surprising because it's a first novel. Not-so-surprising coming from someone who already writes exceedingly well in another genre. But who knew there was an old vineyard behind the blog and the business?

Who knew what-all was lurking in Johnny B. Truant's portfolio? In The Bialy Pimps, we get a whiff of The Wizard of Oz as the pimps--a group of college students employed at a bagel deli in Columbus, Ohio--search for truth in a world where "people are stupid," stupid enough that they have to be warned to not eat packaging material and don't get it that Ed McMahon's sweepstakes is just a marketing machine that preys on people stupid enough to want to be preyed upon.

The pimps are restaurant workers fed up with rude customers and gone wild with a social experiment. It's ad-lib and out-of-control, but it's much like the Milgram experiment of the 60s in which the willingness of followers to obey orders of leaders--even when the orders are immoral or unethical to an extreme degree--was examined to understand human behavior, especially during times of war and particularly during the Holocaust.

How much voltage could the pimps deliver and how many shocks would the herds of deli customers not only endure, but welcome and pay for?

The irony is that the "experiment" isn't planned--the pimps just want the job without the customers, the customers who are "always right." But they can't get rid of them no matter how poorly they treat them, and the sudden success and celebrity of the run-down, rat-infested deli is brought on by the devious machinations of a sociopathic rival whose thin veneer of sanity is ready to crack at any moment.

We get hints of Dante's Inferno, Swift's Gulliver's Travels, and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. A touch of the macabre and mentally unstable a la Stephen King. A note or two of Charlotte's Web and Mrs. Frisbee and the Rats of NIMH. Overtones of T.S. Eliot's The Wasteland and Poe's The Tell-Tale Heart.

George Orwell's 1984, in particular, is present in this existentially-angsty novel that goes far beyond teen angst. It's a mature, Zen angst, the real angst, the acknowledgement of mortality and knowing that "time can never stand still" and that "you have to appreciate things when you have them, and then let them go."

On the wrap up, one of the main characters, The Anarchist, muses, "I was following someone else's plan, too. I was stupid. I was a sheep....Now, I don't know where I'm going. That scares me, but I'll get over it. Life is too short to spend doing things that suck."

With so many diverse layers, multiple characters, and multifarious details pulled together over so many pages, it's remarkably well done, especially for a first novel. The language--vulgar to some, vernacular for Gen X-ers who spent any amount of time on college campuses or punkish scenes of the 80s or 90s--is captured perfectly. It's a coming-of-age novel, but it's more than that. It's social commentary from the unique perspective of the restaurant worker watching waves of humanity coming and going and witnessing unquestioned roles played out, roles not unlike that of ruler and servant, master and slave.

The pimps turn the roles around as they become the masters and the masters become the slaves--the light S&M scenes had me roaring until the tears rolled and my stomach ached. But even that doesn't satisfy, as The Anarchist notes:

"We thought we could wake up the world, but we ended up finding out that we were asleep, too. We didn't wake up others. But at least we woke up ourselves."

After laughing so hard, how could I possibly cry at the end? Johnny B. Truant has tapped into and drawn from the wells that all great writers draw from. The Bialy Pimps is one of those stories that just shouldn't end, so I started re-reading immediately to see what I`d missed, to savor the finer points.

Like a fine wine, you can't just have one sip. You've got to have another, but you won't forget the first. And after reading The Bialy Pimps, the only thing to do is hope there's going to be more.
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12 of 12 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Outrageous and Hilarious February 27, 2012
By hbphd
Format:Kindle Edition
This book held me in a state of suspended disbelief the whole time. Just when I thought he couldn't come up with something more absurd to throw at the reader, Johnny did. But what else could I expect from johnnybtruant?

I laughed my butt off throughout this book. I found myself checking the % read a lot - wondering HOW and WHEN it was POSSIBLY going to end, and then, while I got to the 93% mark, mourning that it would.

The fact that Johnny sat on this book for ten plus years then churned it out so quickly is a testament to his brilliance.

I think this book is worth far more than the current asking price. I got it for free during the pre-launch, but would have gladly paid $3.99 (or more) for it.

Awesome read! Can't wait for the next one!!!
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
1.0 out of 5 stars A waste of my time
I really tried to finish this book since so many reviewers seemed to find it enjoyable, but halfway through I just gave up. Read more
Published 17 days ago by Carol P
5.0 out of 5 stars What?!?
From time to time, I would find myself saying "This is garbage, I'm not listening to this book anymore. Read more
Published 25 days ago by pink_marimba
3.0 out of 5 stars Glad I got this for free
There were times I did laugh out loud when reading this book. I am an Evanovich fan so, I expect great things from a comedy. Read more
Published 1 month ago by R.Sheridan
3.0 out of 5 stars Meh
Couldn't finish it. Found it to be way too over the top, I lost interest in it and forced myself to read it to almost the end 80% when I gave up.
Published 1 month ago by Kristen L. Otankis
5.0 out of 5 stars Awesome book very entertaining read
I read this book and loved it. I have recently started reading more fiction and was familiar with Johnny B. Read more
Published 1 month ago by Robert E. Williger
5.0 out of 5 stars Bad language, good laughs
If you don't like swearing, skip this book. It's a humorous book, and one that does a fine job of describing the feeling of leaving a beloved place and people behind.
Published 1 month ago by James A Self
5.0 out of 5 stars Funny as Hell
Here's my warning to you...read this book alone. Unless you enjoy reading out loud.

I had to read 42% of this book to my partner after breaking into sudden bursts of... Read more
Published 1 month ago by Tanis Boganis
4.0 out of 5 stars Funny and poignant
The end, especially the "Author's Note", make the sometimes rambling journey worthwhile.

One of the things I like about Johnny's writing is how personal it seems, like... Read more
Published 2 months ago by R. Hernandez
4.0 out of 5 stars Fun. What how would people react inn real life
A good story about what will people put up with if considered fashionable.
What a blast would be to be able to do what they did.
Published 2 months ago by MWiczer
2.0 out of 5 stars Does't quite work
I tried, I really tried to finish this. Couldn't.

I can read a 300-page book in a day if it's compelling. I'm also one of those people who finishes each book she reads. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Gab
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More About the Author

Johnny B. Truant is an author, blogger, and podcaster who, like the Ramones, was long denied induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame despite having a large cult following. He makes his online home at JohnnyBTruant.com and is the author of the Fat Vampire series and The Bialy Pimps, as well as co-authoring the Unicorn Western series with Sean Platt.

Johnny, Sean Platt, and David Wright host two podcasts -- the Self Publishing Podcast and Better Off Undead -- both of which are available in the usual podcast places.

Johnny is also the kind of person who writes his bio in the third person.

You can connect with me on Twitter at @JohnnyBTruant and I'd totally love it if you did.

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