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The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to HighSchool--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle (Updated Edition) [Paperback]

by Barbara Coloroso
4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (41 customer reviews)

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Book Description

May 12, 2009 0061744603 978-0061744600 Updated

It's the deadliest combination going: bullies who terrorize, bullied kids who are afraid to tell, bystanders who watch, and adults who see the incidents as a normal part of childhood. All it takes to understand that this is a recipe for tragedy is a glance at headlines across the country. In this updated edition of The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander, which includes a new section on cyberbullying, one of the world's most trusted parenting educators gives parents, caregivers, educators—and most of all, kids—the tools to break the cycle of violence.

Drawing on her decades of work with troubled youth, and her wide experience in the areas of conflict resolution and reconciliatory justice, Barbara Coloroso explains:

  • The three kinds of bullying, and the differences between boy and girl bullies
  • Four abilities that protect your child from succumbing to bullying
  • Seven steps to take if your child is a bully
  • How to help the bullied child heal and how to effectively discipline the bully
  • How to evaluate a school's antibullying policy
  • And much more

This compassionate and practical guide has become the groundbreaking reference on the subject of bullying.


Frequently Bought Together

The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to HighSchool--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle (Updated Edition) + Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World
Price for both: $20.16

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

This is an extremely helpful book that both parents and teachers can use to deal with bullying, an aspect of school that the author feels "is a life-and-death issue that we ignore at our children's peril." Staring with a bottom-line assumption that "bullying is a learned behavior," Coloroso (Parenting Through Crisis) wonderfully explains not only the ways that the bully, the bullied and the bystander are "three characters in a tragic play" but also how "the scripts can be rewritten, new roles created, the plot changed." For each of the three "characters," she breaks down the behavior that defines each role, analyzes the specific ways that each character can have their behaviors changed for the better, and suggests a range of methods that parents and educators can use to identify bullying behavior and deal with it effectively. The book also provides excellent insights into behaviors related to but not always recognized as bullying, such as cliques, hazing, taunting and sexual bullying. And while there have been numerous books about bullies, this volume is perhaps best for its sections on the "bystander," the person whose behavior is too often overlooked or excused. Coloroso's emphasis on aikido-related defensive skills do not sufficiently address the issue of what a child is to do when physical force is necessary to stop a bully, but overall this is an important look at the ways that bullied children can affirm their dignity and self-worth.
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review

“An extremely helpful book that both parents and teachers can use to deal with bullying.” (Publishers Weekly)

An important look at the ways that bullied children can affirm their dignity and self-worth (Publishers Weekly)

“If you are a parent or teacher, you should read this book. (Education Today)

Product Details

  • Paperback: 272 pages
  • Publisher: William Morrow Paperbacks; Updated edition (May 12, 2009)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0061744603
  • ISBN-13: 978-0061744600
  • Product Dimensions: 8 x 5.4 x 0.7 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (41 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #35,718 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Barbara Coloroso is an international bestselling author and for the past 38 years an internationally recognized speaker and consultant on parenting, teaching, school discipline, positive school climate, bullying, grieving, nonviolent conflict resolution and restorative justice. She has appeared on Oprah, CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN and NPR and has been featured in the New York Times, Time, U.S. News & World Report, Newsweek, and other national and international publications. Her uniquely effective parenting and teaching strategies were developed through her years of training in sociology, special education, and philosophy, as well as field-tested through her experiences as a classroom teacher, laboratory school instructor, university instructor, seminar leader, volunteer in Rwanda, and mother of three grown children. She is the author of four international bestsellers: kids are worth it! Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline; Parenting Through Crisis--Helping Kids in Times of Loss, Grief and Change; The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander--From Pre-School to High School, How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence; and Just Because It's Not Wrong Doesn't Make It Right--From Toddlers to Teens, Teaching Kids to Think and Act Ethically. Barbara's latest book is Extraordinary Evil: A Brief History of Genocide...and Why it Matters. She also has two critically acclaimed video programs Winning at Parenting...without beating your kids and Winning at Teaching...without beating your kids.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
57 of 60 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Good - needs more concrete exercises November 6, 2007
By Cathy W
Format:Paperback
I was bullied as a child, and learned quickly that my parents' admonitions to "ignore" didn't work very well. So when my 5-year-old was the target of some mean-spirited verbal taunting, I decided to find out what WOULD work. The theory behind this book is excellent. Lots of good information. It was also very well-written, and easy to read. But what I didn't find, was a lot of solid, easy-to-follow exercises. It talks about role-playing ethical situations, but doesn't provide scenarios. The more concrete ideas that it does have are much more suited to older kids. So, I definitely recommend this book as a starting point, perhaps even THE starting point if you've got a bullying situation on your hands (either your child is being bullied, or is bullying, or is a bystander). But it's likely to not be the only book you'll need to read.
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47 of 53 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars By far the best book on bullying today August 7, 2005
Format:Paperback
Barabara Coloroso thoroughly investigates all aspects of the bullying process in this book. Making bystanders just as accountable as the bully themselves, Ms. Coloroso sharply criticizes how today's society seems to focus only on the bully's ACT instead of the underlying feelings which cause such behavior.

She encourages parents and "responsible adults" to get involved in the hallways, playgrounds, and streets of our children's world. Not at all defeatist, Ms. Coloroso's attitude is one of seeking to break the cycle of violence through love, communication, and consequence.

All teachers, school administrators and parents of children all ages should grab a copy, pencil in hand to underline the nuggets of wisdom Ms. Coloroso offers us. She hands us the solution to a prevalent problem for kids. It is our job to relax our fists long enough to receive what she has to say and to implement it through the doable exercises she puts forth. Buy a copy. You'll be glad you did.

Reviewed by Christine Louise Hohlbaum, parenting humorist, author of DIARY OF A MOTHER: PARENTING STORIES AND OTHER STUFF, and SAHM I AM: TALES OF A STAY-AT-HOME MOM IN EUROPE. [...]
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50 of 59 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars The Bully, the bullied and the Bystander March 22, 2006
By Janhavi
Format:Paperback
It is a book that should be owned definitely by every parent, and also by everyone. It helps with understanding of how and why we came here, why we are who we are, and how to make it better for our kids and actually for every one around us. It describes how a family should treat our kids with respect and freedom. It is one book which I think is a must read. It gives insight into how we can change despite of bad experiences while we grew up. I would recommend it to be bought before buying a crib when you expect a baby! It is like a bible for a christan, Geeta for an Indian, Koran for a Muslim. It tells the three kinds of families, two dysfucntional and how they make long lasting deficiencies in kid's psyche. Then it explains how a backbone family gives freedom and respect to a child and makes him independent and loving. It takes a while to read as it has painful stories of kids who killed themselves because of bullying. This book should be talked about in parent teacher's organizations, at churches, temples , Sunday schools and so on. It is one book that will make a difference in our society. It describes the importance of difference between teasing and taunting and how taunting can lead to suicides, hurts not only the bullied but also instills fear in the bystanders. It weaves the relation of parental upbringing into making a kid a passive bystander as opposed to helper for the bullied. It tells signs to be seen in your child to detect if he is bullied, questions to be asked. It tells the life destroying long lasting effects on his own life if a bully is not stopped! It gives non humiliating strategies how to stop a bully and how to empower a bullied and the critical role of bystander and how to make him help the bullied. A fantastically written book. A life changing book!
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20 of 22 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars The BEST book on bullying September 30, 2006
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
This is a must have book for anyone that deals with kids. Our schools have a problem with bullying that the district is presently denying. I hope to start a support group soon - and this will be the one book I highly recommend reading.

I've already purchased multiple copies and have given them to staff at my child's school.
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15 of 16 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars An excellent treatment of a timeless topic. December 31, 2007
Format:Paperback
This book is very useful in dealing with the bully in the school. This is truly a life and death issue. It's application however goes beyond the the schools.It is always applies to the work place,business,the church,the internet, the funeral arrangement conference, national politics,and international relations. Chapter seven "Is there a bullied kid in the house applies" to all these environments.

She points out that the roots of bullying are in the home. Chapter Five is excellent in revealing three types of families and how it relates to bullying.She is particularly bold in describing sexual bullying and it's
relationship to sexual harassment. Her treatment of telling and tattling can be applied not just to the schoolyard, but to any type of whistle blowing. Five stars! Excellent job on a timeless subject.
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13 of 14 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Bullies Times Three November 9, 2006
Format:Paperback
This is a wonderfully written book. It presents parents, teachers and proffessionals with all three sides of the triangle created by the ever growing epidemic of "bullying". It calls for social change in it's remedy to this deadly disruption of the lives of so many. The format is easy to read and insightful. It is well worth the time it takes to read and then some. Bravo Barbara Coloroso, the information in this book is informative and inspiring.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent!
An excellent resource for parents, teachers, or anyone who works with kids. It really helps to explain the dynamics behind bullying without stereotyping anyone for a lifetime. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Nancy
5.0 out of 5 stars Another for the Teacher's VP Library.
Once you understand who you are and what your response is to certain situations you will understand who you act certain ways. This is a must read for parents and children. Read more
Published 4 months ago by mizzeliz
4.0 out of 5 stars Good resourse
I checked out the book and soon realized the value of having it on the self so chose to purchase it. Sad...but...true
Published 4 months ago by CC
1.0 out of 5 stars What a piece of trash.
I cannot believe the utter junk spewed in the first 20 pages of this book, because that's all I could stomach. Read more
Published 9 months ago by Raisuli the Magnificent
5.0 out of 5 stars Bullying
Bullying is such a great problem in schools today. Finding a publication that addresses the matter was worth investing in.
Published 10 months ago by Linda Stevens
5.0 out of 5 stars A must read for parents and educators
This is a very comprehensive guide to the bullying problems that our children face . It is full of excellent practical advice for parents about ways to raise strong confident... Read more
Published 11 months ago by Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Best book on bullying I've read
I don't normally read an adult nonfiction book all in one sitting, but I picked this one up and found myself doing just that. Things I love about this book:

1. Read more
Published 12 months ago by Rose Green
5.0 out of 5 stars Great read for administrators
This is a great book that gives a lot of information about bullies and everyone else involved. This can be used to help write policies on the topic, or to talk to your community... Read more
Published 12 months ago by James M. Weber
5.0 out of 5 stars Best Book about Bullying Bar None
Barbara Coloroso's book, The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander, is simply the best book I've ever read about the epidemic of bullying and what we can do about it. Read more
Published 12 months ago by Story Circle Book Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars The BUlly, the Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso
This book was required reading for my organization. My son (15) read this book from cover to cover and learned strategies on how to deal with bullying. Read more
Published 13 months ago by Elizabeth58
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