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The Case for Falling in Love: Why We Can't Master the Madness of Love -- and Why That's the Best Part Hardcover – February 1, 2011


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Product Details

  • Hardcover: 304 pages
  • Publisher: Sourcebooks Casablanca (February 1, 2011)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1402250800
  • ISBN-13: 978-1402250804
  • Product Dimensions: 8.7 x 5.9 x 1 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1.1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (13 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #222,350 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Starred Review. According to Ruti, the leaky boat in the turbulent sea of romance self-help is that men and women are different; in order for women to attract men, these books suggest, women must hide their power, feelings, or desires and manipulate men into new ways of thinking. The Harvard-educated Ruti urges women to ignore this advice and redefine how they look for love, what they look for in love, and even why they look for love. Instead of using strategies based in soft science or "emotional intelligence," Ruti taps sources ranging from Lacan to "Gossip Girl"; women, she argues, have worked too hard in their careers to fall prey to 1950s gender tropes in dating. Women should outright dismiss overtly macho, insecure, or otherwise threatened men. Ruti's approach is both funny and thought-provoking, and she moves effortlessly between intellectual and popular sources to provide an extremely refreshing take on an overdone genre. The author manages to strike a superb balance between writing an excellent book for a genre that she persuasively critiques from a gender studies perspective. (Feb.)
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Review

""FINALLY! An intelligent book about patterns and issues - past present and future - and how they impact our love relationships.
Pick up this book, read it, treasure it; and leave it on your bedside."
" - The Review Broads

""We're obsessed with this new book by Mari Ruti Ph.D., in which she argues against popular relationship advice that encourages women to change and/or follow certain "rules of conduct" in order to land their man. If getting a guy to commit is that difficult, she says, you're not the problem ... he is. We like."" - Glo.com

""This is an eye-opening book that everyone can benefit from. Not just the single girl, but anyway dating in the 21st century."" - Book Obsessed

More About the Author

Mari Ruti is Professor of Critical Theory at the University of Toronto, where she teaches contemporary theory, psychoanalysis, continental philosophy, gender and sexuality studies, and popular culture.

Customer Reviews

4.4 out of 5 stars
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See all 13 customer reviews
Aimed at women, the book is also a benefit to men.
Jeff Davidson, author and speaker, Breathing Space Institute
Her sobering and liberating viewpoint carries a perfect balance of sensibility and humor, without any negative or patronizing ideas.
Cheryl A. Butler
The book is well written and author Mari Ruti has done hear research.
Naida M.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

8 of 8 people found the following review helpful By Eliza McEvoy on January 31, 2011
Format: Hardcover
This book is a total breath of fresh air for anyone who is dismayed or confused by all the unnerving self-help/relationships advice aimed at women. The author delivers a common sense message with a lively, fun tone. I was impressed by her high powered academic background, and appreciated that she could also write in a friendly, engaging manner. How refreshing it is to get straight talk about dating from someone who doesn't suggest 101 ways you need to change to make it work. Ruti is like the best friend you wish you could meet for brunch over the weekend to sort it all out. I highly recommend this one!
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7 of 7 people found the following review helpful By hestia74 on May 29, 2011
Format: Hardcover
College professor Mari Ruti invites her readers to see beyond the mirrors of popular self-help books, and into the maelstrom of what we call falling in love. Love is messy, it can't be controlled and tamed, but most self-help books that profess to help women navigate the uncertain waters of singlehood try to instill precisely the opposite message: that by acting a certain way with men a woman will eventually get to "catch" the man of her dreams. On the way they manage to perpetuate antiquated gender views, elevate dubious "scientific" research to absolute truth, and implicitly call into question the wisdom of the women's movement of the last few decades.

Instead, Ruti proposes a philosophical and humanistic approach to understanding the madness that falling in love is. She approaches her subject seriously enough, but with a light touch: besides the requisite philosophy texts on love, she also uses references to pop culture for new models of relating to men, in t.v. shows like Gossip Girl, Glee, and Smallville among others. With this book Ruti helps balance the scales on the debate, which are pointedly skewed towards the stereotyped vision of traditional gender roles.

One of the most illuminating chapters in the book concerns the "love at first sight" phenomenon (Chapter 7: It's All About the Thing). Contrary to what we usually read in many relationship guides, that first spark, that instant attraction we sometimes feel towards another person can be, Ruti argues, "an uncannily accurate gauge of romantic compatibility". Feeling incomplete, we look to another to fill the void left by the disappearance of our own personal paradise.
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6 of 6 people found the following review helpful By Betsy Jennings on February 18, 2011
Format: Hardcover
I opened this book, thinking I'd just browse through it, and ended up reading the entire thing in one night! Ruti dispels all of the gender/relationship myths that we've grown up hearing-- for example, how men and women are emotionally wired differently or how women need to be strategic in getting their men to commit to them. I especially loved the sections where she pulled quotes from popular self-help books. It was shocking to me to really think about the meaning behind popular self-help theories. I also loved how she detailed how relationships that don't last aren't all failures-- even though our society teaches us over and over again that they are. Some of my shortest relationships have taught me more about myself than my long term relationships.

This is a must read for anyone interested in romance-- whether you're single & looking for love or in a relationship-- you'll understand relationships & love better from reading this book.
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6 of 6 people found the following review helpful By Sandra Kirkland VINE VOICE on June 5, 2011
Format: Hardcover
Mari Ruti is an associate professor of critical theory at the University of Toronto where she teaches contemporary theory, psychoanalysis, gender studies and popular culture. She brings this educational background to the study of why and how we fall in love and what works and what doesn't for women.

Ruti insists that the common advise women are given; to downplay their strengths and to consciously play games to make a make feel more powerful are instead counterproductive. It is unlikely that a relationship based on fantasy will be long-lived or provide what the people involved need. She goes further and says that women should consider each relationship on its own merits and understand that all may not be long-lived. Even a failed relationship can provide benefits.

Ruti provides eleven relationship touchstones. They are:

1. Stop trying so hard. You can't force or trick someone into loving you.
2. Stop being so cautious. The benefits of love come only when one is open to them.
3. Stop analyzing your every move. This goes back to the need to not play games.
4. Stop expecting your guy to act like a caveman. Men are not genetically programmed to act this way, although some relationship mavens insist this is so. Men can be truly emotionally involved in giving and supportive relationships.
5. Stop apologizing for being strong. If a man can't handle a woman's strength and competence, the relationship is probably not going to work.
6. Stop being afraid to have needs and vulnerabilities. If a relationship doesn't give you what you need, you need to end it.
7. Stop running after guys who don't want you. You won't be able to change them.
8. Stop looking for a guy without issues.
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