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The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships [Paperback]

Harriet Lerner
4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (184 customer reviews)

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Book Description

May 3, 2005

"Anger is a signal and one worth listening to," writes Dr. Harriet Lerner, in her renowned classic that has transformed the lives of millions of readers.While anger deserves our attention and respect, women still learn to silence our anger, to deny it entirely, or to vent it in a way that leaves us feeling helpless and powerless. In this engaging and eminently wise book, Dr. Lerner teaches women to identify the true sources of our anger and to use anger as a powerful vehicle for creating lasting change.


Frequently Bought Together

The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships + The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate + The Dance of Intimacy
Price for all three: $36.84

Buy the selected items together


Editorial Reviews

Review

“Of all the books that have been written about the personal relationships of women and what to do about them, this is the most sound. Like a family heirloom, it can be passed from generation to generation as it is based on profound and lasting truths.” (Peggy Papp, M.S.W., The Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy )

About the Author

Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., is one of our nation’s most loved and respected relationship experts. Renowned for her work on the psychology of women and family relationships, she served as a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic for more than two decades. A distinguished lecturer, workshop leader, and psychotherapist, she is the author of The Dance of Anger and other bestselling books. She is also, with her sister, an award-winning children's book writer. She and her husband are therapists in Lawrence, Kansas, and have two sons.


Product Details

  • Paperback: 239 pages
  • Publisher: Perennial Currents; 20th Anniversary edition (May 3, 2005)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 006074104X
  • ISBN-13: 978-0060741044
  • Product Dimensions: 8 x 5.4 x 0.6 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 6.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (184 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,530 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., is one of our nation's most loved and respected relationship experts. Renowned for her work on the psychology of women and family relationships, she served as a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic for more than two decades. A distinguished lecturer, workshop leader, and psychotherapist, she is the author of The Dance of Anger and other bestselling books. She is also, with her sister, an award-winning children's book writer. She and her husband are therapists in Lawrence, Kansas, and have two sons.

Customer Reviews

This book truly changed my life. "busyvolunteer"  |  45 reviewers made a similar statement
It deals with generational patterns of anger! Kelley Hunt  |  35 reviewers made a similar statement
I read this book in 1990 and remember it being helpful and clearly written. Deena  |  38 reviewers made a similar statement
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
350 of 357 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars What is my anger telling me? July 15, 2001
Format:Paperback
A large number of books on the topic of anger have recently come into my house -- how to recognize anger, what it means, and how to "control" it. This is the only one of these books that I liked. All the other books on this topic seem to treat anger as a loss of control, which should be repressed. In fact, they seem to be about impulse control more than about anger. (I have nothing against people learning to control their impulses, I just don't think that it's the same topic as the topic of anger.) Luckily, I did not pay for any of these books, so I can just be glad I read this one, and forget about the others.

In this book, Lerner treats anger as a signal that something is going wrong. She explains that only when we address the "something wrong" in a useful way will the anger go away. Then she explores the "dances" we engage in, in our attempts to make ourselves feel better. She suggests that most of our attempts to make ourselves feel better focus on the person(s) we think made us mad, rather than on ourselves. She compassionately and wisely shows how to disengage from the anger and the counter-productive patterns, while staying connected and acting with integrity. However, she also acknowledges the effect that this sort of change can have on other people in the dance, and she provides guidance in maintaining oneself in the face of countermoves.

Fundamentally, this is not the kind of self-help book that provides 10 easy steps to ridding oneself of anger. Instead, it describes a different way to think about anger, and discussion of the ways in wich one can respond to anger. No easy steps, just a way of thinking, which can radically change the way one engages with the world.

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137 of 140 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Use anger to make your life better July 31, 1999
By A Customer
Format:Paperback
I found this book as impossible to put down as any thriller -- it was fascinating even when it didn't directly apply to me. But most of it did.

All my life I have had a problem expressing anger. It usually comes out as tears, which does not impress anyone or improve the situation, or else I swallow it and tell myself it's not important. This book has helped me to understand that when I'm angry, it means something is wrong, and I attempt to calmly identify what that is, and take steps to make it better. I'm not expert at this yet, but the book has given me hope that small changes can lead to big improvement over time.

All in all, this is a great book for anyone whose anger has ever made them feel ashamed or powerless. Read and reread until your anger works for you, not against you.

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141 of 149 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Wow ! October 28, 2001
Format:Paperback
Many years ago someone recommended that I read this book but I didn't bother. I thought "Yeah right, another self-help book. I don't think so!" I was so wrong. This book dares to take on that ugly, taboo emotion: ANGER! If you never learned good solutions for understanding and dealing with your anger, this is a book you need to read. It is filled with insight about anger. It also offers constructive solutions for getting rid of anger, and improving relationships with people who make us angry. It deals with generational patterns of anger! This book is not just for women. Men, too, could learn a lot from reading this book and putting it's suggestions into practice. Very highly recommended.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars This book came highly recommended
I am still reading the book. It seems to be pretty good so far. Any information about how not to go back and forth with arguements has to be pretty good. Read more
Published 1 day ago by Lori-Starr Londa
5.0 out of 5 stars Useful communication tools
I thought this book contains some excellent tools for communication and getting down to conversations that really matter. Read more
Published 5 days ago by Ann M. Kauth
5.0 out of 5 stars Great self-help book
Everything I had been told and it is a very helpful book. Follow suggestions and you will find ways to help where you are in a relationship. Wonderful. Thanks.
Published 8 days ago by Canyer
4.0 out of 5 stars Anger management
If you suffer from any sort of anger issues this CD will help. I bought it to listen to it on my car rides to and from work. Read more
Published 16 days ago by Betty Prat
4.0 out of 5 stars Great read
Reading this book gave me insight I to behaviours of women and how society has had a big impact on they Wayne are today. Read more
Published 23 days ago by Karen
5.0 out of 5 stars Great learning tool.
I started therapy because I wanted to be told that I was "right" and that my marriage was in trouble because my partner was an awful person. Read more
Published 29 days ago by Carol Savournin
5.0 out of 5 stars Doctor Lerner addresses reality head on
Wonderful and realistic guide to seeing ourselves and others, and understanding intimacy, anger, and denial. Read more
Published 1 month ago by Bahia Abrams
5.0 out of 5 stars There's a reason
There's a reason why this book is still relevant after 20 years, just like there is a reason why we can get so angry. Read more
Published 1 month ago by R. Williams
5.0 out of 5 stars very helpful
This has been one of the most helpful books in changing my behavior to help myself be assertive without anger.
Published 1 month ago by Kay
4.0 out of 5 stars Life changing
I listened to this book on tape many years ago. It was one of the book on my life journey that changed and enhanced my path. Read more
Published 1 month ago by Holly
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