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The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now [Hardcover]

Meg Jay
4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (160 customer reviews)

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Book Description

April 17, 2012
Our "thirty-is-the-new-twenty" culture tells us the twentysomething years don't matter. Some say they are a second adolescence. Others call them an emerging adulthood. Dr. Meg Jay, a clinical psychologist, argues that twentysomethings have been caught in a swirl of hype and misinformation, much of which has trivialized what is actually the most defining decade of adulthood.

Drawing from a decade of work with hundreds of twentysomething clients and students, THE DEFINING DECADE weaves the latest science of the twentysomething years with behind-closed-doors stories from twentysomethings themselves. The result is a provocative read that provides the tools necessary to make the most of your twenties, and shows us how work, relationships, personality, social networks, identity, and even the brain can change more during this decade than at any other time in adulthood-if we use the time wisely.

THE DEFINING DECADE is a smart, compassionate and constructive book about the years we cannot afford to miss.

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The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now + 20-Something, 20-Everything: A Quarter-life Woman's Guide to Balance and Direction
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Editorial Reviews

Review

"Any recent college grad mired in a quarter-life crisis or merely dazed by the freedom of post-collegiate existence should consider it required reading." (Slate.com, Staff Pick )

"Meg Jay takes the specific complaints of twenty something life and puts them to diagnostic use." (New Yorker )

"The professional and personal angst of directionless twentysomethings is given a voice and some sober counsel in this engaging guide. While Jay maintains that facing difficulties in one's 20s 'is a jarring--but efficient and often necessary--way to grow,' the author is sincere and sympathetic, making this well-researched mix of generational sociology, psychotherapy, career counseling, and relationship advice a practical treatise for a much-maligned demographic." (Publishers Weekly )

"A clinical psychologist issues a four-alarm call for the 50 million 20-somethings in America.... A cogent argument for growing up and a handy guidebook on how to get there." (Kirkus Reviews )

"Excellently written, this book is sensitive to the emotional life of twentysomethings." (Library Journal )

"THE DEFINING DECADE [is] just the wake up call many twentysomethings need." (The Coffin Factory )

"I strongly recommend THE DEFINING DECADE for anyone in their 20s trying to figure out their life's direction. You'll learn how to search productively, how to avoid being indulgent, and how to turn good opportunities into great ones." (Po Bronson, author of What Should I Do With My Life?, co-author of Nurtureshock )

"Before reading THE DEFINING DECADE I didn't know enough about the importance of our twenties to be concerned that I could mess it all up. Now that I do, I could worry myself into paralysis, or, as Meg Jay suggests, grab life by the helm--even if I still have no idea in hell where I'm going. Without a doubt, The Defining Decade will leave you eager to embark on what I now see can be the most exciting odyssey of one's life." (Rachel Kauder Nalebuff, editor of My Little Red Book )

"THE DEFINING DECADE is the book twentysomethings have been waiting for. It will not tell you what you should do with your life, but it will inspire, motivate, and educate you to figure it out." (Rachel Simmons, author of The Good Girl )

"THE DEFINING DECADE is eye-opening, important, and a pleasure to read. I highly recommend it." (Wendy Mogel, author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee and The Blessing of a B Minus )

"Meg Jay brings a sharp intellect, expertise on the life cycle, and extensive clinical experience to this powerful book. Age and time, she argues, are not malleable, even if people live longer and our culture believes that everything is possible. Reading this book will benefit clinicians, cultural commentators, and twentysomethings themselves." (Nancy Chodorow, author of Individualizing Gender and Sexuality: Theory and Practice )

"This fascinating, engaging book makes a convincing case that the twenties are the most transformative period of people's lives, and even better, shows readers how to get off the couch and live that decade well. It should be read by all young adults, their friends, their parents, their grandparents, their bosses, their siblings . . . really, by just about everyone!" (Timothy D. Wilson, author of Redirect: The Surprising New Science of Psychological Change )

"Expecting to experience the joy of freedom and self-discovery, many young men and women find instead confusion, loneliness, and anomie. Jay is just the sort of guide that these twentysomethings and their parents need: sensitive, thoughtful, and wise." (Kay Hymowitz, author of Manning Up: How the Rise of Women Has Turned Men into Boys )

"THE DEFINING DECADE is a rare gem: a fresh, original contribution to the study of adult development that's also a pleasurable, almost effortless read." (Daphne de Marneffe, PhD, author of Maternal Desire: On Children, Love, and the Inner Life )

"Blending the latest social science research with real life accounts of twentysomething clients and students, Jay provides valuable and compelling insights and direction for twentysomethings, their parents, and parents of future twentysomethings." (Leslie C. Bell, PhD, author of Hard to Get: 20-Something Women and the Paradox of Sexual Freedom. )

"THE DEFINING DECADE is a must read for the twentysomething who is looking to build a meaningful, fulfilling, and rich life. Dr. Jay clearly illustrates some of the biggest mistakes we can make in our twenties. But more important she gives advice about how to make decisions that will set twentysomethings up for success in the workplace and intimate relationships in their thirties and beyond." (C. J. Pascoe, author of Dude, You're a Fag: Masculinity and Sexuality in High School )

"THE DEFINING DECADE does an excellent job of conveying the latest social science on twentysomething relationships and helping young adults to understand why these relationships can be so confusing and challenging...Young adults looking for insights about love, life, and marriage should turn to Dr. Meg Jay's engaging and insightful new book." (W. Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia )

"Meg Jay masterfully blends cutting-edge research and life stories of psychotherapy clients to make a compelling case that this age period is crucial for launching love and work. You will learn a lot from this book and it will spur you to seize control of your future now." (Avril Thorne, University of California, Santa Cruz )

"Listen to me closely. If you know someone already in or entering the third decade of life, or their parents, or their therapist, you must give them this book. Meg Jay slams a cultural corrective on our desk. Pay attention. The twenties are the defining decade of human life where the foundation of every future is laid...No one should turn thirty without having read this book." (J. Anderson Thomson Jr., MD; staff psychiatrist, University of Virginia, department of Student Health; co-author, Facing Bipolar: The Young Adult's Guide to Facing Bipolar Disorder )

About the Author

Meg Jay, PhD, is a clinical psychologist who specializes in adult development, and twentysomethings in particular. She is an assistant clinical professor at University of Virginia, and maintains a private practice in Charlottesville, Virginia. Dr. Jay earned a doctorate in clinical psychology, and in gender studies, from University of California, Berkeley.

Product Details

  • Hardcover: 272 pages
  • Publisher: Twelve; 1 edition (April 17, 2012)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0446561762
  • ISBN-13: 978-0446561761
  • Product Dimensions: 6.4 x 1.1 x 9.4 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (160 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,709 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Meg Jay, PhD, is a clinical psychologist who specializes in adult development, and twentysomethings in particular. She is an assistant clinical professor at University of Virginia, and maintains a private practice in Charlottesville, Virginia. Dr. Jay earned a doctorate in clinical psychology, and in gender studies, from University of California, Berkeley. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, USA Today, Psychology Today, and NPR.

Follow Dr. Jay on Twitter @drmegjay or find The Defining Decade on Facebook at www.facebook.com/thedefiningdecade. You can also visit Dr. Jay's website, www.drmegjay.com.

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Customer Reviews

Highly recommend this book to anyone in their 20s. Jack  |  40 reviewers made a similar statement
This is the book I wish I could have written in ten years. Peter Park  |  36 reviewers made a similar statement
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
136 of 140 people found the following review helpful
Format:Kindle Edition|Amazon Verified Purchase
I read Dr. Meg Jay's NY Times piece on co-habituation (...) which lead me to ordering her book. I received it yesterday and read it in one sitting. So, I think it's pretty good.

As a twenty something, I would recommend this book to my friends and even those still in high school. Dr. Jay teaches lessons about how to ideally approach one's twenties and why it really matters. She interweaves research, stories, and counseling sessions with her patients to make a thought provoking but easy book to read. In many of those patients, I saw my friends or myself. There was the twenty something coffee barista still waiting for the right opportunity to come by. There was the beautiful and successful, girl chronically hooking up and never dating because she's still plagued with teenager, self-image problems. There was the bicycle shop guy wanting to be original and afraid of settling down. What they all have in common is this intense desire to know, "Am I going to make it? And what the hell should I be doing in my twenties? School was so easy, but life is so hard."

This book isn't a step by step guide. It won't go into how to systematically meet guys/girls, get over depression, or how to do well on an interview. There are plenty of books on getting into the details. Instead, this is a thought provoking book aimed against the popular twenty something zeitgeist today that, "we can do anything", "there's always time", and "I have until 30 to get my life together." Not to mention the million other stories we tell ourselves like, "I'm never going to get good at this", "It's better to wait rather than choose", or "Everyone on Facebook is doing better than me." In a sense, this book is like "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" to personal finance. They are paradigm shifting books that sweep away the false assumptions and beliefs we acquired from our childhood and culture and replace them with solid, real principles on how reality works. This book isn't going to do the heavy lifting for you, only you can do that. This book is the starting point to begin living one's twenties with drive, clarity, and purpose.

The book itself is divided into three sections: Work, Love, and The Brain and the Body.
Work talks about increasing your identity capital, the value of "weak ties", that you know what you want even though you think you don't, the unhelpful prevalence of Facebook comparisons, and seeing a career as the first step in a unique, customized life versus settling down.
Love goes into the importance of taking dating seriously in your 20s, compatibility with possible in-laws, how to make sure "living together" isn't harmful, and choosing the right partner.
The Brain and Body is sort of a misc. collection of pieces centered on how your brain, body, and mind works.

The Brain and Body section also covered a lot of neuroscience research I wasn't aware of. For example, your brain undergoes a radical period of reconfiguration in your 20s which means now is the best opportunity for learning skills. Or, the frontal cortex that controls a lot of our mature responses such as regulating emotions is still developing for most people in their 20s. Besides the physical brain, Dr. Jay also talks about the mind such as learning how to calm yourself down, how to develop confidence (rather than believing it's fixed), and that you can radically alter how you feel by changing parts of your life.

It also has a very frank chapter on fertility and that ladies don't have as much time as they think to have children. The final chapter before the epilogue talks about mapping your years to see how limited your time truly is. It seems common for many young people to talk about getting their career in order or going to graduate school eventually, getting married, and having kids but not all at the same time. Except, when you're 25 or 27 saying this, you're quickly running out of time.

It's hard to convey in a review how good the book is. This is the book I wish I could have written in ten years. Not just because of the advice, but because of the patient interviews. I found myself agreeing and sharing the same POV as the patient many times but through the counseling session, it was almost like I was sitting there and seeing my own assumptions fall apart and seeing the truth for what it really is. This book doesn't knock you over the head with what Dr. Jay thinks is right but begins from where you already are and lets you see for yourself the problems in your logic. Just as any good psychologist does.

This isn't your run of the mill advice book. There's a lot of popular myths and assumptions that this book dispels with cold, hard truth. I'm a self-help addict, and there was plenty of new information I never heard or thought of before.

The underlying message in all the stories and chapters is start living your life now. Take responsibility. Don't believe the lies that your twenties don't matter or that confidence is only innate. For most people, the late night parties, pointless jobs, and random hookups won't be what build your identity, what you care about or remember in the future. If anything, as Billy in the book says, you will probably feel betrayed that you wasted the best years of your life doing all the meaningless things that culture and others mislead you to believe most important. So, start preparing now because the investments (or lack thereof) that you do in your twenties will have the greatest impact in your career, marriage, and overall happiness. As she ends the book, "The future isn't written in the stars. There are no guarantees. So claim your adulthood. Be intentional. Get to work. Pick your family. Do the math. Make your own certainty. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do. You are deciding your life right now."
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40 of 43 people found the following review helpful
Format:Hardcover
After I read this, I was surprised no one had discussed making the most of the twenties decade before. With the job market slow for college grads, and a seeming extension of the teen years into the entire twenties decade, this book is a huge wake up call and an excellent roadmap out of youth and into what should be the most exciting time of your life. This book covers two basic and profound aspects of life; choosing a mate and having children and choosing a path that leads, step by step, to a career that is fulfilling and rewarding.

The author makes a point about dating: are you goofing around or really trying to sort out whom you want to spend time with? After all that is sorted out and you eventually find the right person, you could be a lot older and suffering from infertility. That's a great point; we spend a leisurely youth and then when we get serious, it may be difficult or impossible to conceive (I didn't get married seriously until I was forty, so I can totally support this advice. I have no children.) Here is a case for being serious about whom you choose and deciding to have children before the mid-thirties, when it starts getting a lot more problematical. (And you are at the peak of strength, less likely to be fatigued by the task.)

The second very important point of this book is that frittering time away in jobs that don't lead to a career will cause you to be "damaged and different." In other words, one really doesn't have the time to take any old job and the more time you spend on what you think you want to do for the majority of your work life, the better off you will be. According the author, the string of random, low paying and dull work can lead to depression and drinking. So finding what you love, whether it's taking internships or whatever it takes to get a foot in the door, is a good plan compared to goofing around thinking "there is time" because the gap for earning becomes unbridgeable if you wait too long to get onto your chosen path.

This is strong, and even possibly unpopular advice for a time when choices seem limited, actions seem to be disconnected from future consequences, and there is little direction for people in their twenties. Yet, the advice is good and can be the difference between a great, productive life and waking up at 39 and wondering why it all seems to have gone pear-shaped. If you are just finishing university, or if you have a college-aged child, I'd hand him or her a copy of this book and really discuss it with friends and family. Everything from partying to dating to working is covered here, not in a judgmental fashion but with careful thought, backed up by psychological references. This could be a defining moment, reading this book. I can tell you from watching the children of friends of mine, that choosing carefully in the twenties IS vital to happiness and choosing unwisely can lead to huge misfortune in your forties.

This book should be on everyone's list, from high school through college and it's about time someone wrote it.
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24 of 28 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars One of the best books I've read all year April 21, 2012
By DMary48
Format:Hardcover
I admit I was skeptical at first. One look at that title and I thought it was going to be another hokey self-help book. Wrong. This book investigates the stereotype that the twenties are the "throwaway years" of one's life and proves that they are actually a foundation-- that the decisions you make in this time will affect the course your life will take in your thirties and forties (in life, love, and your career). The author is a psychologist who offers real-life conversations she's had with her twentysomething clients. She also has a great tone; she is never condescending while tackling the stigmas and misconceptions that are damaging this generation. I found it to be incredibly relevant and helpful. Plus, It's a quick read. Excellent book.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Invaluable Resource For All Twentysomethings Struggling to Find...
To start let me say that I never thought I would ever find myself using the word "twentysomething" as much as I am about to use it in this review, but I suppose life is full of... Read more
Published 1 day ago by Jacob Secrest
5.0 out of 5 stars great read
This book brings reality to people in their twenties who haven't yet made moves about life. I recommend it to anyone who's hesitant about life in their twenties or if you can't see... Read more
Published 2 days ago by Finn
5.0 out of 5 stars Very Insightful
I love how she tells it as it is and doesn't skirt around the issues. Very helpful and encouraging. Hoping 28 is not too late :S
Published 2 days ago by desertpigeon
5.0 out of 5 stars Must Read for any 20-something or their parents
This book is well organized into 3 sections: Work, Love, Body & Mind. Meg Jay has described many concepts that translate common sense intuitions into articulated strategies. Read more
Published 4 days ago by Christopher Krause
5.0 out of 5 stars Best Book I've Ever Read
A must not only for anyone in their 20s, but anyone who interacts in a professional or personal way with 20 somethings. Read more
Published 9 days ago by Caroline Gould
5.0 out of 5 stars For twenty something people
I got this for my grandchildren. It's such a different world than I grew up in. There were jobs and we were happy to have them
Published 10 days ago by J J
4.0 out of 5 stars I Learned Something New in Each Chapter
This book does a wonderful job of conveying new and relevant research. Unlike other books, it doesn't read like a self help book and degrade your intelligence by pointing out the... Read more
Published 10 days ago by CollegeDormLife
5.0 out of 5 stars very insightful
Very good book insightful and put a lot of things in perspective while in my twenties. Definitely have some work to do
Published 14 days ago by BG
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent! Would recommend to any recent college grade.
I found this book to be very comforting and motivating. So much so that I bought two copies for my friends who are graduating.
Published 15 days ago by E. Johnston
5.0 out of 5 stars Thought Provoking
As a 25 year old working male, I can confidently say this book has helped me truly understand my mindset as well as my peers. Read more
Published 16 days ago by Doc Holiday
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