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The Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-dependence - The Other Side of Co-dependency Paperback – January 28, 2008


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The Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-dependence - The Other Side of Co-dependency + Breaking Free of the Co-Dependency Trap + Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 276 pages
  • Publisher: New World Library (January 28, 2008)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1577316053
  • ISBN-13: 978-1577316053
  • Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.5 x 0.8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 15.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (16 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #322,911 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

In 1987, Melody Beattie introduced codependence to the masses with her bestseller Codependent No More. The Weinholds, husband-and-wife psychologists and cofounders of the Carolina Institute for Conflict Resolution & Creative Leadership, weighed in with 1999's Breaking Free of the Co-Dependency Trap (recently republished by NWL); here, they look at counter-dependence, the little-discussed, hard-to-pin-down yin to co-dependency's yang. Counter-dependency is characterized by controlling and self-centered behavior: where co-dependents cling to others, counter-dependents push them away; where co-dependents have low self esteem, counter-dependents have "falsely inflated self-esteem"; co-dependents are people-pleasers, whereas counter-dependents are people controllers. The results are "loneliness, alienation and a sense of 'quiet desperation.'" The Weinholds do a clear and thorough job discussing and dissecting counter-dependency as a key factor behind failed relationships, and also make a case for its role in high profile church scandals, post-traumatic stress disorder in returning soldiers and even the collapse of the housing market. Packed with information taken from the Weinholds' 23 years of research and counseling, this isn't a light read, but case studies, charts and exercises, along with practical tips, keep things moving. While the notion that unresolved childhood issues continue to play out in adult relationships is nothing new, the Weinholds' insight and emphasis on self-sufficiency should help readers break free from dysfunctional behavioral patterns.
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Review

“We need this book to fill a gap in our understanding of co-dependency. The Weinholds are experts in this field. I recommend their work as having the highest integrity. This is a crucial addition to the literature on co-dependency.”
John Bradshaw, from the foreword

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Customer Reviews

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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

18 of 18 people found the following review helpful By Anonymous on July 31, 2012
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
When I first stumbled on this book, I was so happy. In fact, I was ecstatic. I had read about co-dependency for years, but I didn't fit everything about co-dependency - I didn't have a lack of self-esteem, and I was constantly pushing people away and OUT of my life. Also, no matter how much I learned about co-dependency my issues about getting into a relationship didn't go away. No matter how much I put myself out there, I just could not get into a relationship. I could only get angry at men, over and over and over again, and push them out of my life.
Then I found this book, and finally - it all made sense! I wasn't just co-dependent, I was counter-dependent. In fact, I was MORE counter-dependent than co-dependent. I read the book with relish. I loved it. And I couldn't wait to get to the exercises.
But then...I got to the exercises. And then I was angry. Why? Because ALL the exercises are for people to work in partners. Um...hello?? I'm counter-dependent. I've pushed everybody out of my life. I don't have a partner, and haven't had one for years, because I'm COUNTER-dependent. So, I don't have a partner to do these exercises with. Nor do I have anyone I feel comfortable asking to do these exercises with, because these exercises are very close and intimate...and that freaks me out, because once again, I am COUNTER dependent.
Anyway, I am still reading it andgetting a lot out of this book, and I am working through the issues as best as I can without a partner (because I don't have one!!), but I wish the authors had thought of this when they were writing the book and designed exercises for people who are SINGLE!!
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11 of 11 people found the following review helpful By Midwest Book Review on June 20, 2008
Format: Paperback
If a person has trouble being close to others, is a perfectionist, acts self-centered and never asks for help, these are signs they may suffer from 'counter-dependency', the opposite of co-dependency. Two psychologists team up to reveal counter-dependency as the barrier to creating strong relationships, examining the foundations of counter-dependency, showing how to spot and cope with such people, and teaching how to gain and heal within committed relationships. The result is an outstanding guide which reveals some little-covered roots of relationship issues, making for a recommended pick for any library strong in self-help psychology.

Diane C. Donovan
California Bookwatch
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful By CxAgent on January 15, 2013
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A cold read as in what fortune teller does. They say somethings that will be true about almost everyone. Like 'I am not appreciated for what I do' and most people will agree with that. This book says things like 'You were born in a hospital', 'you were taken from your mother and placed in an incubator', 'you were bottle fed' - and these are the cause of your counter dependencies. Those statements are probably true for most people in western civilization but if they were the cause then most under developed countries would not have any such problems. I bet the co-dependent / counter dependent issues are just as common in under developed countries even if they don't have the 'therapist industry' to document it.

Even so, there are good concepts and ideas presented. Other people may find the presentation helpful where I found it annoying. This book is still worth reading if you think it speaks to your situation.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful By Angela S. Mcclellan on December 5, 2010
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Never even heard of "counter-dependency" until someone recommended this book. It describes me, and my childhood, perfectly. Felt as if they were writing about me! If you've ever wondered where your ideas and beliefs come from and how they've influenced your life, read it!
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3 of 4 people found the following review helpful By Beth A. on October 11, 2008
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Well-written book, even though some of the treatments methods the therapists use with the clients are strange to me. However, lots of good suggestions on how to help yourself.
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I'm so messed up about knowing how to have a healthy relationship with a woman that I feel desperate and clueless on how to do it. I am working with a woman doing the reading and exercises, discussing the activities and engaging in honest dialogue with this partner. I see that after the first 70 pages that I am making progress. I will need the rest of my life to practice and honor myself and those I'm in relationship with. This book is an opening into a part of life that I have been unsuccessful in for over 60 years.
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By richard lieberman on February 4, 2014
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The nice part of this book is that it attacks the cliches of the industrialized addiction business. Not that the 12 steppers are so off base: but that there are other methods to "recovery". The psychology here is questionable. "Co-dependence" is thrown around a lot. No we have "counter dependence". Soon we will have "non dependence" or "real dependence". Makes me dizzy
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By matt strong on January 28, 2014
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such an awesome bookwhat I understand the only book written on counter dependency there's 400 on codependencyit. It changed my life..I would recommend it to anybody who is interested in getting to know themselves and the world we live in..
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