I've since come to accept Hollywood's re-cycling tendencies, whether it's schlepping out remake after stinking remake, or turning any halfway decent 1970s television series in to a big budget flops no one wants to see. I've consigned myself to the notion that originality really isn't a viable commodity in tinsletown, and hasn't been for a while. Despite this understanding, I still find myself resentful when someone takes an extremely solid past production, dissembles it, forgets how to put it back together, slaps a `hip', MTV spin on it, ultimately turning it into a barely watchable, incoherent exercise of ineptitude as was done with The Fog (2005), a remake of a John Carpenter film release some 25 years earlier. This new version, written by Cooper Layne (The Core), and directed by Rupert Wainwright (Stigmata), stars Tom Welling ("Smallville"), Maggie Grace ("Lost"), and Selma Blair (Storytelling, Legally Blonde, Hellboy). Also appearing is DeRay Davis (Barbershop, Scary Movie 4), Kenneth Welsh (The Day After Tomorrow, The Exorcism of Emily Rose), Adrian Hough (In the Land of Women), Sara Botsford (Tremors 4: The Legend Begins), and Rade Serbedzija (The Saint, Mission: Impossible II), whom I best remember as the character Boris 'The Blade', from the film Snatch (2000).
As the movie opens we're on an old timey sailing ship (a clipper), and a fire breaks out, as an lamp full of oil is dropped. Amongst the flaming mayhem, four men escape via a rowboat, but not all make it to shore...fast forward to the present (I'm pretty sure it's the present, given the lousy rock music) and we meet various inhabitants of Antonio Island, which, by the way, is gearing up for some sort of founder's day celebration. There's hunky charter boat captain Nick Castle (Welling) and his extremely annoying partner Spooner (Davis), local radio DJ Stevie Wayne (Blair), who operates out of the local lighthouse, and Elizabeth Williams (Grace), who's just recently returned to town under the guise of 19th century male street urchin, which, seems to appeal to Nick as he picks her up hitchhiking and takes her to his place for a little vertical boogie in the shower (apparently the two have a past history, or else she's just really easy). We're about thirty minutes into the movie now and I'm wondering when the actual story is going to begin...so far we've seen a series of minor events, but nothing really conclusive...we did get to see both female leads in their underwear, for what its worth, Grace sporting an attractive light blue ensemble, while Blair favors black (you know what they say about women and black underwear...I'd be all over that if she didn't have a kid almost as old she is) ...eventually the fog does come rolling in with whatever bad vibes it contains, and we learn the founding fathers, all of whom the main characters are descendants, did something really bad a long time ago, something to which now the ghosts of the past are coming up from their watery graves threatening `Blood for blood', which was odd to me because there was no blood whatsoever in the entire film...oh well.
All right, I think it's important for me to preface this by stating I'm a big fan of the original film, so I was a wary, but optimistic, when I heard a remake was in the works. I didn't think it would be as good as the original, but then also I didn't think it would suck eggs as much or thoroughly as it did...Rupert Wainwright, the director, who got his start making music videos for such artists as M.C. Hammer and N.W.A. and writer Cooper Layne, whose only other main film credit is for the insufferable science fiction disaster film (meaning it was a disaster of a film) The Core (2003), which he wrote and produced (had I known Layne was involved, I would have passed this feature by), show how to take a decent, spooky little film, made a quarter of a century ago, and wrench all the goodness out of it, leaving behind a celluloid husk of flotsam that ran eleven minutes longer than the original, but featured less, actual story. Seriously, the only thing missing from this non-frightening ghost story was Scooby Doo and the gang. It's pretty sad when the most interesting character in the movie is the special effects, in this case, the fog, as the real characters were so vacuous, transparent, and without distinction as to barely even register on the screen, much less make me concerned for their well being (I only assumed who the main characters were based on their extensive screen time, and not due to any perception of importance to the story). The direction, in general, features a lot of strong shots, but in terms of tying them all together, Wainwright didn't do so hot, as the various scenes felt slapped together with little, or no regard, for transition. As far as the plot goes, there were many holes, some small, some quite large, but none worth mentioning given the overall lack of cohesion in the story. The one aspect that really made me nuts was the character of Spooner, the homeboy fisherman, who had what I consider to be the absolute worst line in the film as he's talking to Welling's character about women and relationships...'Women have testicle telepathy, man.' What an idiotic, meaningless statement, obviously written by someone of an older generation thinking he has a handle on how the cool, hipper, younger generation speaks, but doesn't...hey, I don't either, but I don't delude myself into thinking I do...anyway, back to Spooner...why, oh why, was this character allowed to survive? If anyone warranted a gruesome, miserable, painful death, it was he. At one point he appeared to have been killed, which wasn't very satisfying as it could have been specifically because we didn't witness his demise (it was inferred), but I was partially satiated given the knowledge we wouldn't have to suffer anymore of his idiotic buffoonery. But in a cruel licorice, twist of fate the movie gods, being the fickle lot they are, saw fit to save this tool of a character (in a completely ridiculous manner), perhaps out of pure spite, I do not know, but to be cheated out of the meager satisfaction resultant of the death of this worthless, irritating and completely pointless secondary character was the supreme letdown...or, at least I thought so, until we got to the end of the movie...what in the hell was that about? I'm not going to give it away, but it just seemed to me not to make much sense, especially given the vengeful nature of the spirits. The special effects were decent (I prefer the low tech effects from the original film over the CGI work here), along with the original scoring, but neither came remotely close to making up for what was lacking, which was just about everything else.
The picture, presented here in widescreen anamorphic (2.35:1), does look sharp and clean, and the Dolby Digital 5.1 audio comes through very clearly. There are some extras included, the main being a commentary by track Rupert Wainwright, who, I got the impression, didn't care for the finished product very much (join the club). Also included are three pointless featurettes (I love the one with the cast interviews, as they all gush about each other and talk about how great the others are to work with...I guess sincerity, along with originality, are not popular traits in the movie biz). Also thrown in are seven deleted scenes, with optional director's commentary, and a whole slew of previews for unrelated films like The Da Vinci Code (2006), Underworld Evolution (2006), The Legend of Zorro (2005), Memoirs of a Geisha (2005), The Pink Panther (2006), Monster House (2006), Rent (2005), Zathura (2005), Underworld Deluxe Edition DVD, The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005), and The Cave (2005).
Cookieman108
By the way, there is a saying which has served me well over the years, one which I think applies here...if it ain't broke, don't fix it...